Y2K Worries Hit Ghetto

December 20, 1999
COMPTON, CALIFORNIA

"Y2K In The Ghetto" seminars have began across the country and will conclude in New York on December 24th.

With under two weeks left until the year 2000, concerns over the Y2K Bug have finally hit the projects of America. Addressing these worries, top scientists from leading universities have been dispatched across the country by the US government to quash rumors in a series of "Y2K In The Ghetto" seminars.

The first of these seminars took place last night in an auditorium at Compton Community College. Packed with over 1,500 community members, the prestigious panel, headed by MIT's Dr. Gorin Sylvestri, fielded questions and heard opinions for over three hours. Two moments of excitement occurred during the session. One had two gang members interrupting a primer on the "Y2K Bug" by expressing their feelings and placing culpability.

Shocking Stephanie Chan, the primer's presenter, Dominic "Tang Dog" Bonner stood on his folding chair and shouted, "Shit man, y'all know all dis is dat COBALT bee-yatches fault.

Dominic "Tang Dog" Bonner and Antoine "Freddie" Carr strike a "hard" pose before the seminar.

Grace Hopper can suck my dick, dat ho-cake!" Echoing Bonner's opinions was Antoine "Freddie" Carr who rushed the stage and exclaimed, "No diggety! Wha kinda cluckhead slams together a programmin' language usin' da year's last two digits? Das fucked up, muh nigga." He then broke out into a gangsta rap version of Prince's "(Gonna Party Like It's) 1999" before being taken away by several police officers. Attempting to salvage the situation, panel member, Alan Bench quipped, "Thank God we won't ever hear that song again since it's not Y2K compliant."

The second interruption occurred when several sign wielding ghetto-ites stormed into the conference. Using a megaphone, the group's leader, Malcom King demanded the truth be told about why, so late in the year, Y2K concerns were hitting the ghetto. "Tell us about how the international economic forces want to upset the ghetto's inevitable role after the world's financial markets collapse," he demanded. "We peeps have got over 59% of the world's gold supply right here in the ghetto! Look at your rings, chains, hub caps, and teeth my brothers and sisters! When established financial institutes crumble, the economic center of the world, the future, is here in the ghetto!" A stunned crowd watched as National Guardsmen entered the building and removed the group.

The seminar quickly got back on track allowing the panel to cover all the important Y2K issues relating to the Projects. The more important of these being:

Glocks and gats will still work. These devices do not rely on any materials which are Y2K dependent.

Bass booming speakers and radios will continue to drop the mad hits, as long as they were made after 1990. If they were made before 1990, there is no guarantee they will not spontaneously combust or eat your Snoop Dog tape mix.

There will not be a ho uprising signaling a new ghetto order in which prostitutes will rule over their former pimps.

The marijuana market will not collapse; there will be no need to sell all of your chronic for cheap. Such actions may lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy which will cause the price of weed to hit rock bottom.

40 oz. malt liquors will not randomly explode in your hands, thrusting shards of glass into your face and hands.

Air Jordan sneakers will still not allow you to play as good as him.

Despite his success in music, movies, and the upcoming WILL-ENNIUM, Will "Sell Out" Smith will not be successful in starting a New Will Order which will require all African-americans to become complacent, entertainers to the Man.

Ernest McLoughlin uses his hands to explain how slight modifications to a bong can make it Y2K compliant.

"I'm glad they came here and told us all this. I heard so many rumors about there being more police beatings," said Antoinette Parker, a single mother of two. "And I really like this 'You Down With Y2K?' button and beer glass," she continued.

Ernest McLoughlin, who was sent by the University of California, expressed relief. "We hope that dropping all this science on the ghettos will help them to cope and understand that they have nothing to worry about, as long as they stick to Y2K compliant 40s. Now to go and solve the real Y2K problem - what to call the upcoming decade."