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Bush Wins Presidency On Concession Technicality

November 08, 2000

People waking up today in search for a definitive answer as to who is the new President of the United States of America are sure to be confused by the numerous reports in the newspapers and on the morning news. At approximately 2:13am ET, numerous news outlets reported that Governor George W. Bush won 271 electoral votes, and thus the presidency, by winning Florida. Unfortunately, soon after, the votes were taken away when Florida's Secretary of State invoked the state's mandatory vote re-count due to the narrow margin of victory, estimated by some to be within 1200 votes. Sadly, for Al Gore, the outcome of the re-count may not matter even if it is in his favor.
Is so confusing!
Supporters of both Gore and Bush find themselves confused and disappointed, as if having seen a 30-second long Tyson fight or Kiss "reunion" concert.

Soon after the announced victory of Bush, Gore made the obligatory and traditional concession phone call to his opponent. While the exact details of the call were not made public by either Bush or Gore, insiders at both camps agree that the phrases "can't believe you did it," "fucking coke-sniffing ass clown," "suck my protected redwood tree," "you actually beat me," "I'm fucking conceding to an addict" and the words "whore," "shit," and "motherfucker" were said by Gore. Gore's concession to Bush effectively meant he threw in the towel and accepted Bush as the election's victor. However, when it was reported that Bush's Florida win would be contested and that his Presidential win was not certain, Gore was placed in a most unusual position – he could win the election if he won Florida and could take back his concession.

"It's true, he called and conceded after he saw the report about his loss on the Fox News channel. I can't believe we fucking listened to that channel. It's full of crap; they just want ratings. Everyone knows that channel is a second rate news cable channel that panders to people with rubber dildo fetishes. It was stupid of us to base a decision to concede on a report from their channel," an anonymous Gore campaign staffer told HGNews.

Is this the model playing my wife?
George Bush places a "comfortable distance" between his wife and himself to show he's not pussy-whipped but still "cares."
Throughout the early morning, Gore made several attempts to contact Bush to rescind his concession, but to no avail. "I have attempted to contact Governor Bush to tell him that I do not in fact concede the election to him, but I have not been able to reach him or any ranking members of his campaign staff. His secretary is very nice, and so is his answering machine, but it is not going to cut it. I see the game he is playing, but it is not going to work. I know him and his staffers are standing there giggling at my messages. I will take back my concession, and he will not become the President by concessionary default," explained Gore about the current state of affairs.

Bush defended his "strategery" by saying: "Now you listen here, he conceded to me, and there's no way in hell that I'm gonna let him take it back. If he takes it back, I ain't the king of the hill. I'm a Texan, a cowboy, a cowboy, baby. I ride at night and sleep at day. I'm playing hardball, something I learned from the Texas Rangers. Sure, I was there inside that mansion, inside that big house thing, inside that estate when he called after they announced the re-count, but I don't have to take the call. I'm well within my rights to stand there with my staff, dead silent, and let the phone ring. There's no law that says I have to answer the phone. There's no law in Texas that says I can't have my secretary tell him that I'm taking a shit, banging my wife, or snorting some coke off a whore's breasts and to take a message. I don't have to talk to that asshole. So what if I screen my calls with my answering machine and use caller ID to block his number? As Governor of Flor…Texas, I know there's no law against that. He wants to take back his concession, he's gonna hafta track me down and give it to me, and I wish him luck getting through these Secret Service agents I get as the NEW PRESIDENT! YEE-HAW! WOOOOO! I RULE! Pass me that mirror with the line of coke."

HomeGame News has obtained transcripts of some of the messages left by Vice-President Gore on Governor Bush's answering machine:

BUSH: You have reached the residence of PRESIDENT George W. Bush. Please leave a message after the snort, and I'll pick up the phone if I want to talk to you, and your name isn't Al.
I have mighty sperm!
Al Gore shows off his large family and declares his manly-man potency.
GORE: President, huh? That is a low blow, Governor. You know damn well that I conceded because Fox News said you won. I was being the bigger man, but now that you did not officially win, I think you should be the bigger man and let me rescind my concession. Do you want me to get Jim Lehrer over here to moderate this little tiff? You know my number.

BUSH: You have reached the residence of PRESIDENT George W. Bush. Please leave a message after the snort, and I'll pick up the phone if I want to talk to you, and your name isn't Al. And everyone knows I'm a bigger man because this 10 inches of meat between my legs says so, asshole.
GORE: 10 inches, Governor? You're definitely not the bigger man if you can only count its size using just your fingers. Besides, you couldn't penetrate yourself just because you could with only 10 inches. I mean, Jesus, George, Tipper's is bigger than 10 inches. Who the fuck do you think you are anyway? I know what you're doing. You think I'm as stupid as you are? You better call me back and let me take back this concession, or else I'm going to roll up the Constitution really tight and cram it up your ass, which you should be used to after your gay frat days.

BUSH: You have reached the residence of STILL PRESIDENT George W. Bush. Please leave a message after the snort, and I'll pick up the phone if I want to talk to you, and your name isn't Al. And I'm more than 10 inches, but I stop counting at 10, so fuck you, prick. And I don't care if you know what I'm doing, because you can't stop me. You conceded, loser.
GORE: I know you're listening! Pick up the fucking phone, you pussy! PICK IT UP! I KNOW YOU'RE THERE! I TAKE BACK MY CONCESSION! I KNOW YOU CAN HEAR ME, BITCH! I TAKE IT BACK! YOU DON'T WIN! Hey, what's that noise? Oh yeah, it's my bed squeaking because I'm fucking your wife, because she said she wants to know what it's like to screw a winner! FUCK YOU, I DON'T CONCEDE!

Good thing I took geographicalness studies in high school.
Let's just have both candidates battle each other in giant robots or parade out their daughters - best looking wins!
Sources from within the Gore campaign have revealed to us that they are looking for ways to get around Bush's "avoidance strategy" and take back the concession by seeking the aid of several twenty-something, male consultants who have had experience with this technique. Of the few ideas proposed by their new consultants, the one most in favor seems to involve Gore driving in a circle in front of Bush's mansion, honking his horn, and yelling, "YOU WILL NOT IGNORE ME! I DON'T CONCEDE! BUUUUSH, COME OUT AND PLAY-AY-AY-AY!"

In the end, the final outcome of this election may be months away, and while it may be tempting to say George W. Bush will be the next leader of the free world barring the retraction of concessions, we at HGNews would advise against it. Instead, we recommend you continue to ask everyone you see, as loudly as possible, "WHO THE FUCK IS THE PRESIDENT?!"

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