Bush Wins Presidency On Concession Technicality
November 08, 2000
People waking up today in search for a definitive answer as to who is the new President of the United States of America are sure to be confused by the numerous reports in the newspapers and on the morning news. At approximately 2:13am ET, numerous news outlets reported that Governor George W. Bush won 271 electoral votes, and thus the presidency, by winning Florida. Unfortunately, soon after, the votes were taken away when Florida's Secretary of State invoked the state's mandatory vote re-count due to the narrow margin of victory, estimated by some to be within 1200 votes. Sadly, for Al Gore, the outcome of the re-count may not matter even if it is in his favor.
Soon after the announced victory of Bush, Gore made the obligatory and traditional concession phone call to his opponent. While the exact details of the call were not made public by either Bush or Gore, insiders at both camps agree that the phrases "can't believe you did it," "fucking coke-sniffing ass clown," "suck my protected redwood tree," "you actually beat me," "I'm fucking conceding to an addict" and the words "whore," "shit," and "motherfucker" were said by Gore. Gore's concession to Bush effectively meant he threw in the towel and accepted Bush as the election's victor. However, when it was reported that Bush's Florida win would be contested and that his Presidential win was not certain, Gore was placed in a most unusual position – he could win the election if he won Florida and could take back his concession.
"It's true, he called and conceded after he saw the report about his loss on the Fox News channel. I can't believe we fucking listened to that channel. It's full of crap; they just want ratings. Everyone knows that channel is a second rate news cable channel that panders to people with rubber dildo fetishes. It was stupid of us to base a decision to concede on a report from their channel," an anonymous Gore campaign staffer told HGNews.
Bush defended his "strategery" by saying: "Now you listen here, he conceded to me, and there's no way in hell that I'm gonna let him take it back. If he takes it back, I ain't the king of the hill. I'm a Texan, a cowboy, a cowboy, baby. I ride at night and sleep at day. I'm playing hardball, something I learned from the Texas Rangers. Sure, I was there inside that mansion, inside that big house thing, inside that estate when he called after they announced the re-count, but I don't have to take the call. I'm well within my rights to stand there with my staff, dead silent, and let the phone ring. There's no law that says I have to answer the phone. There's no law in Texas that says I can't have my secretary tell him that I'm taking a shit, banging my wife, or snorting some coke off a whore's breasts and to take a message. I don't have to talk to that asshole. So what if I screen my calls with my answering machine and use caller ID to block his number? As Governor of Flor…Texas, I know there's no law against that. He wants to take back his concession, he's gonna hafta track me down and give it to me, and I wish him luck getting through these Secret Service agents I get as the NEW PRESIDENT! YEE-HAW! WOOOOO! I RULE! Pass me that mirror with the line of coke."
HomeGame News has obtained transcripts of some of the messages left by Vice-President Gore on Governor Bush's answering machine:
BUSH: You have reached the residence of PRESIDENT George W. Bush. Please leave a message after the snort, and I'll pick up the phone if I want to talk to you, and your name isn't Al. And everyone knows I'm a bigger man because this 10 inches of meat between my legs says so, asshole.
BUSH: You have reached the residence of STILL PRESIDENT George W. Bush. Please leave a message after the snort, and I'll pick up the phone if I want to talk to you, and your name isn't Al. And I'm more than 10 inches, but I stop counting at 10, so fuck you, prick. And I don't care if you know what I'm doing, because you can't stop me. You conceded, loser.
In the end, the final outcome of this election may be months away, and while it may be tempting to say George W. Bush will be the next leader of the free world barring the retraction of concessions, we at HGNews would advise against it. Instead, we recommend you continue to ask everyone you see, as loudly as possible, "WHO THE FUCK IS THE PRESIDENT?!"
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