Cupid Arrested For Killing Rampage

February 14, 2000
CHICAGO, IL

A day many consider to be the most romantic of the year turned out to be one of the bloodiest thanks to a rampage by "The God of Love," Cupid. What a Chicago police officer described as, "the worst St. Valentine's Day massacre since the 1929 St. Valentine's Day massacre," took the lives of 42 people and injured 14 others in front of the Civic Opera House.

42 people lay dead in front of Chicago's Civic Opera House due to the alleged actions of the arrow shooting Cupid.

Stan Heisenberg, a witness to events, managed to avoid the massacre by being in the right place at the right time - a Port-O-John. "I heard lots of yelling and screaming, so I climbed onto the toilet seat and peaked out of the vents. There was this guy picking people off with a bow and arrow, left and right, and he was screaming something about Douglas and Zeta-Jones being a mistake," recounted Heisenberg.

"The horror, the humanity, it's all astounding. I can't believe [Cupid] would go around shooting people with a bow and arrow. Maybe he watched too much TNN or something, but he's snapped. These people were shot through their hearts, and Cupid's to blame," said another bystander.

Cupid's murderous massacre ended when the winged god flew off as several officers from the Chicago police department arrived on the scene. Statements from witnesses led police to Cupid's home in the Chicago suburb of Palatine where a SWAT team entered and detained the god, who was busy watching "Ricki Lake" and surfing on the Internet. Found on Cupid's person was a gold plated Glock with "Glock of Love" engraved on the handle, a high powered compound bow, a quiver made from a cat holding several titanium shafted arrows, and a copy of "Catcher in the Rye."

Cupid's newest glossy 8x10 courtesy of the Chicago Police Department.

Cupid's lawyer, Jim "The People's Lawyer" Rogers, issued a statement declaring his client's innocence, blaming a vast female conspiracy working to deliver control of love, romance, and breeding into their hands. "We don't want to make it look like we're setting the foundations for an insanity plea, nor do we want to place the onus on someone so soon after these tragic events have transpired, but we will attempt to gather evidence supporting a Byzantine conspiracy moving against my client, and we will definitely be investigating anonymous claims that Pedro Guerrero was involved in the actual killings."

This is not the first run in with the law for Cupid. Two years ago, going under the alias of Eros, Cupid was arrested by New York City police under suspicion of using gamma hydroxybutyrate (GHB), a "date rape" drug, on several women. While he was acquitted of the "date rape" drug charges, and the later charge of depraved indifference, due to a legal technicality brought about by DA Jack McCoy's insistence to make it a "personal war," some say Cupid never recovered mentally or emotionally from the incident.

DA Jack McCoy had his chance to lock-up the alleged sexual deviant, Cupid, but BLEW IT!

In an unauthorized biography by Psyche, his former wife, she claims Cupid was experimenting with "date rape" drug use in an effort to speed up the "getting together" process, and that since his run in with the law, as well as the increasing difficulty of making people find and keep true love, he has grown despondent and frustrated.

Vulcan, a close friend of Cupid, reveals the depressed god has become more distant and withdrawn. "He used to love waking up and going to work. All he would talk about was love this, love that, romance here, romance there; it was damn annoying how in love with love he was. But now, it's like a chore for him. It's like he wants to get people together as soon as possible so he can go home, get on the Internet, and get his day trading done. I think that's what the whole GHB thing was a few years ago."

Cupid, whose current problems comes on the heels of a $25-million civil suit filed against him by Mark Siefert claiming a breach of contract stemming from a break-up with his girlfriend, is currently awaiting trial and undergoing psychological testing by Dr. Claire Allen.