HomeGame Cult Found Dead

January 01, 2000
NEW YORK (GF Press)

Crime scene personnel wheel out the body of a HomeGame Insudstries cult member in Kentucky.

Y2K prognosticators had been warning people about possible mass or cult suicides come January 1, 2000, and it looks like they were right. As others rose to a new day and a new Millennium, members of a homegrown cult composed of zealous bad movie worshippers were found dead across the United States.

The group, operating for years under the name HomeGame Industries, apparently believed that their deaths on January 1st would usher in a new sociological zeitgeist in which those people with IQs under 80 occupying Internet chat rooms would be purged from the Earth, thereby eradicating a/s/l checks and leaving the world with a minty fresh flavor of intelligence, social unrest, and disorder. They thought that by leaving their corporeal bodies and becoming beings of light, they would move on to the next stage in evolution, that of bitter and cynical giant rubber monsters that would fly amongst the stars and be ambassadors of hatred to alien civilizations.

Minutes before midnight (eastern time), a message appeared on the groups website that read: "TO ALL HOMEGAME INDUSTRIES MEMBERS: THE TIME OF PURIFICATION IS AT HAND! RELEASE YOUR SPECIAL BURST OF ENERGY BY HYDRATING AND DRINKING YOUR SPECIAL KOOL-AID PACKETS AND PREPARE FOR THE GREAT AWAKENING AT YOUR RESPECTIVE TIME ZONE'S MIDNIGHT. DON'T FORGET TO TURN OFF THE LIGHTS OR STOVE, YOU WEST COAST PEOPLE!"

Former HGI member, Shred, left because the group's attitude stank.

A former member of the group, identifying himself as Shred, commented, "The riffs were good, but the attitude stank." Another ex-member who refused to identify herself described the cult as a "really stable bunch, but I think that whole Satan thing at Exoticon drove them all over the edge." A close RATMM associate of HomeGame Industries claimed signs of their demise were present, but ignored, because "in the end, all they had were a couple of in-jokes and memes. It was a real departure from what the HomeGame started as; they lost their way." Long time detractors and imitators are pleased by the group's demise. "I had no use for them. I suspect a few of them had some sort of mental disorder, for they would spend hours crying for no reason," exclaimed an anonymous non-fan.

Found in the pockets of each member were nicely printed and laminated suicide notes which read:

"We, the members of HomeGame Industries, do solemnly swear to DEMAND SATISFACTION and to uphold the rights of bad movies, giant rubber monsters, George Kennedy, and the grand gangsta Elron Hubbard into the next stage of man's evolution. We do not ask to be martyrs, and we do not ask for Argentina to cry for us. We ask to be your gods and the supreme arbiters of good taste, because it's all about us. We ask for two turntables, a microphone, and that Cup O'Noodles be a theme food on Iron Chef. We ask that you respect the Cat and that you don't judge anyone. We're not really dead as long as you remember us. Our legacy and our hearts will go on, near, far, or where ever you are. Much love to y'all, stay sweet, don't be ray-tards, have a good summer, and buy through our Amazon link."

Authorities identified several of the expressions as being quotes and scriptures from the group's Holy Scrolls.

"Mistanetics," written by Gangsta Elron Hubbard, described the power of mind fuckery and being MEAN.

Bodies were found in Washington DC, Florida, Kentucky, California, Minnesota, Massachusetts, Illinois, Kansas, dressed in what appeared to be T-shirts with a grey, faded circular logo on the front. Police now fear that many copycat suicide pacts will start showing up all over the world. Book stores have been asked to take all copies of the group's best selling "Mistanetics" off the shelves and remove them from inventory immediately. As of this writing, only Amazon.com has had no response either way to the request. Interestingly enough, the suicide may have had little, if anything, to do with the millennium. Copies of the group's beliefs hint that the reason may have something to do with the Second Coming of a Being known as BBip'Rm. His coming is supposed to be predated by the "Falling" of Twin Icons "In the West" and is called "The Time of the Great Serving Reset".

The exact cause of death is yet to be determined, but a preliminary examination detected large amounts of Crystal Meth in the blood streams of the members.

In lieu of roses, mourners are asked to donate to the Fund To Stop AMC From Preserving Movies.