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Bruce Willis Offers Apology

September 12, 2001

Action movie star and part-time restaurateur, Bruce Willis offered his deepest sympathies to the people of New York and of America for Tuesday's World
I'm YOUR hero.
America asks: Bruce Willis, where were you to save us in our darkest hour?
Trade Center and Pentagon tragedies.

The actor, who has starred in over fifty movies and has made a career of saving lives on the big screen, said he was "deeply sorry" and "regretted" that he was not able to save all the innocent people who died. In an exclusive interview with HomeGame News, Willis said he was still distraught over his break-up with Demi Moore and the failure of "Breakfast of Champions." He also admitted he hasn't "been operating at 100%" since being faced with the reality of his super human abilities.

"I've been living a lie here in Los Angeles. I've been shackled up in my Malibu home and have lost touch with the people I was placed on Earth to protect. Why must I be cursed with the power to kill terrorists? WHY?! I should have been in New York, on board one of those planes, at least in one of the towers. I'm an American cowboy! I have an uncanny knack of being in the wrong place at the wrong time! Why did my powers fail me this time," Willis pondered before throwing a bottle of Scotch against the wall and storming out of his living room.

Yippie ki-yay, Bin Ladin.
Willis at his peak - saving people in office buildings and airplanes.
After a few minutes, Willis returned, calmer and wiping tears from his face. "When I helped form Planet Hollywood, I was hoping that some of the pressure would be taken off me. I hoped this modern Justice League of America would quash crime all over the world, but I guess I was wrong. I guess Schwarzenegger wanted to spend more time making un-official 'Total Recall' sequels and driving over dogs with his Hummer. I guess Stallone wanted to spend time getting fat for method acting roles and race around a track in some 'Days of Thunder' rip-off. Well, fuck the both of them! This is the shit that happens when they slack and leave it all up to me! I'm only unbreakable on the outside, not on the inside! I have feelings and when those are hurt, like they were when Demi and I split, it affects my ability to perform my duties, whether it be traveling back in time to save man, blowing up asteroids, preventing planes from crashing on runways, killing German terrorists, stopping big black men from being ass raped, or being dead! I'm sick of carrying their asses. Do you know who prevented more people from getting killed in that earthquake that hit here a few days ago? ME! I took time off from watching the new 'Die Hard' DVDs to pull that shit, to save lives, to save property.
Breakable... on the inside.
He claims to be unbreakable on the outside, but on the inside, he's still a fragile human.
Where were those other goons? Who the hell knows, probably jerking off to photos of James Cameron and Burgess Meredith. This is such fucking bullshit!"

When questioned about his tangle with Denzel Washington over rounding up Arab-Americans in New York and placing them in camps, Willis still maintains it was a wise decision. "Don't get me wrong. I don't think it was a politically correct thing to do, but you have to do what you have to do. If locking them up means saving more lives and preventing more acts of terrorism, then do it. Denzel should have realized that. If that plan was still in action, this all might not have happened. I mean, that is if it's true that some Arabian terrorists were behind these recent attacks that I could have stopped had I just gotten on board one of those planes to visit my ex-wife."

Willis concluded by saying he has contacted Haley Joel-Osment, Heat Vision and Jack, and Super Denk in hopes that the group can join forces and stop Samuel L. Jackson and his team of Arabian terrorists before he strikes again.

Jerry Bruckheimer, Michael Bay, and Sean Connery could not be reached for comment. However, Wesley Snipes did offer one cryptic comment on the situation: "Always bet on black."

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