|September 23rd, 2002
Welcome to another installment of SCHIZOTRICHIA and another new article delivering the most thought provoking insights you'll ever see. Schizotrichia is society's alarm clock, waking everyone and bringing them back to harsh reality! Continue on at your own risk!
THIS WEEK: Good news for everyone who enjoys dark, grainy frame captures of women's Lower Thighs; Stupid People do Stupid Things, so the rest of us can look on and say "Hell, at least I never did anything like *that*".; And we begin to wonder if PETA is actually some group hired by the Beef Council to make animal lovers look bad.
Special note to all the budding Porn Web Masters out there; The Washington State Supreme Court has ruled that "upskirting" (Taking pictures in secret with a special camera up women's skirts) while "disgusting", is perfectly legal. This, the decision in a trial of a man caught taking pictures at a fair up the skirts of women and young girls. So, we're guessing that this court's opinion on rape is that it's only naughty because the noise of the woman screaming might disturb the neighbors...
And from our Any Story Mentioning PETA Is Good Column Fodder file; Among the 6000 protests PETA is having this week, one is against the Insurance Company AFLAC, for putting ducks in "Dangerous, Unnatural and Degrading Situations" and thus encouraging people to follow suit, in their TV commercials. You know, the goofy ones where the duck wanders around, screeching the company's name to folk who are wondering what the best insurance company out there could be. And we're pretty sure any harm befalling ducks due to these commercials will have nothing to do with seeing this duck slipping across ice and hanging like a bat, but from people's fears that every duck channels the spirit of Gilbert Gottfried and thus must be Stopped For The Good Of Mankind.
The winner of the Miss Universe Pageant has been fired for "Refusing to fulfill the Obligations of her Position" (read; she didn't feel like traveling the world as a walking advertisement for the pageant). The Runner-up, and now new Miss Universe, has promised to "Work to make the Transition as easy as possible". Whew, bet that's a big load off of everyone's mind, huh? God knows how many Opening Ceremony Ribbons would go uncut without this woman's pluck.
Jesse Jackson has protested the movie Barbershop, because one black character in the movie says not-nice things about Dr. King, Rosa Parks and, worst of all, Rev. Jackson himself. Ever the Open mind, Jesse is demanding the offensive scenes (which, by the way, also feature the film's other characters deriding this guy for being disrespectful) be removed in Home Video and Cable releases, because the director is trying to "make Tragedy into Comedy". As opposed to Jesse, who turns Tragedy into Photo Ops, Donations, and Speaking Engagements.
We're none of this has anything to do with the fact that this movie has become a Sleeper Hit, and criticizing it would be an easy, travel-free way to get his name in the papers.
Note to Mrs. Toogood, the woman shown on TV about 5000 times this week beating her child in a Kohl's Parking Lot Security Camera Tape; You might want to think twice about having yourself represented by a Lawyer called "Rocket".
We also enjoyed the lengthy press release from earlier this week, where Rocket claimed his client was "Very, very sorry" for what happened. The translation being; "Oops, didn't see the video camera. Guess I can't claim the police beat her or that she walked into a door, huh?".
This sparked the old "You shouldn't Spank Your Kids" argument all over the radio and Usenet this week, as though pounding on your kid like she was a stubborn pinata is a standard Spanking. No, kiddies, this wasn't a Spanking. This was Having A Major Tantrum Because The Store Caught Onto Your Plot To Return Shoplifted Items For Cash Refunds. See, parents giving their kids a swat on the can don't usually look around, checking for possible witnesses before it begins.
This also awakened the various people pushing the "Time Out" punishment, claiming that spanking a kid taught him that, when you disagree with someone, you have the right to hit them. That being the case, don't Time Outs teach kids that, when you disagree with someone, that it's Ok to drag them off somewhere they don't want to go and hold them there against their will?
You'd think by now that Arafat would have moved his Offices to somewhere a bit less accessible to Tanks and Bulldozers.
CRAPWELL PREDICTS: In 2015, UPN and it's parent company will finally go out of business, thanks to several hundred torch-bearing mobs that end up razing their various studios to the ground after word of 2 new Series Premieres are leaked; The Odd Couple, starring Pauly Shore and Tom Green, with Wayne "Watch Me Improv A Song About Boogers!" Brady as Murray The Cop, and Starfleet Academy, which will chronicle the Early Days of James Kirk at school, and will be pushed as being like "90210...but in SPACE!".
And yes, you are the only person to make any sort of NYPD Blue joke about the casting choices in CSI:Miami, you festering gob of wit, you.
A 9/11 Ceremony in New Jersey went a bit wrong when the "Doves" released as part of the ceremony ended up tangled in onlookers' hair, falling dead into the nearby Hudson, or killed when they attempted to fly thru nearby skyscrapers. Seems the organizers wished to save a few bucks by buying birds from a Poultry Shop instead of buying Professional Homing Pigeons, which have the brain power to avoid obstacles in their path. A representative claimed that this was a Humane act, because the pigeons are "All free. They're not soup." No, they're just dying slow, painful deaths after being yanked out of people's hair, drowning in polluted rivers, and being eaten by vermin after kissing High Rise Windows. All much less painful deaths, we're sure.
Yoko Ono is suing a person who was once some sort of Personal Assistant to John Lennon, for selling personal items he seems to have lifted while performing his duties. And we can see why; Everyone knows that Yoko has a world-wide patent on Whoring John Lennon, and she doesn't need some amateur mucking up her profit margins.
Otherwise, she might have to make up the difference by putting out another album of her "singing", and God knows no one wants that.
Whoring John Lennon. Almost sounds like the title of one of those movies your Significant Other drags you to, and then yells at you because you didn't break down crying when the Mother and Daughter/Sisters/Childhood Sweethearts in the film make peace with each other. Hey, at least we didn't say it would make a good name for a band.
From our Ooh, Let's Print This Story So We Look Net-Savvy file; This week marks the 20th Anniversary of the "Emoticon". The various articles even list who supposedly invented them, and the Memos he sent out outlining their proper use. And yet we see stories all the time about the guys who invented the A-bomb, and how they bemoan the Evil they let loose on Mankind. Not a peep out of this nut, though.
So the Brother of missing NBA star Brian Williams, besides having possession of his brother's boat, attempted to buy about a Metric Ton of gold with cash, and was found in a possibly drug-induced coma in Tijuana. And if we had to serve on a Jury, we want to be on this one, because this jury probably ain't gonna even leave the courtroom before rendering their verdict.
Guide To Discussing Possible Invasion Of Iraq, Left-Winger's Version; Answer every statement with "Bush is only doing this so his rich oil buddies can get cheap oil.".
Guide To Discussing Possible Invasion Of Iraq, Right-Winger's Version; Answer every statement with "Gee, amazing how everyone was *for* an Iraq Invasion when Clinton was Prez, isn't it?".
And A Moment Of Silence for Rocko Rock, late of the Wrestling Tag Team "Public Enemy" who passed away this week due to "Unknown Circumstances". Which we're pretty sure means were due for another round of How Wrestling Is Evil Because Everyone Involved In It Is On Drugs Which Directly Causes All The Kids In The World To Take Them.
Of course, we got this news out of a couple of newsgroups, which probably means Mr. Rock is sitting in a high-school gym right now selling autographed 8 X 10's of himself after his matches so he's got gas money to get to the next High school gym...
Best Sign at RAW; "Fear The Panda". See, the Panda is the World Wildlife Fund's corporate mascot, and they lost the trademark lawsuit to...aw, never mind, it wasn't that funny to begin with.
So, these 2 Brain Trusts run out onto the baseball field during the Kansas City/Chicago game, in an attempt to do bodily harm to KC's First Base Coach. And once again we ask; How much planning went into this? Do people who do stupid things like this actually think they're somehow going to make some sort of Jackie Chanesque escape? Or that the local Authorities are going to admire their Moxie so much that they'll let them go with a pat on the back and the key to the city?
Of course, who's surprised that these two goofs are a 34-year-old Dad and his 15-year-old Son, and that the Dad don't live with the kid's Mom, and that they have a long list of Police Complaints stemming from trouble they've caused in their Section 8 housing?
These two goofs are only a car-chase away from being an entire Special Episode of COPS.
The best part about this; reporters still have to say "The Alleged Attack", despite the fact that it's on tape and took place in front of a few thousand witnesses and a live nation-wide audience. After all, it could be that there was an extremely localized earthquake that tossed these two out of the stands and bounced them into the coach..
And why are you reading this when you could be enjoying the new hit board game "Kosherland", where you and your children learn about the Jewish Faith in a fun and non-threatening way?
Quote Of The Time Period It Takes Us To Find Another Quote; "It's Jewish, as opposed to a game like 'Monopoly' that has nothing to do with being Jewish," said Lonny Rosen, an employee at a store named Little Israel, which sells Judaic products in Sunrise, Fla, discussing the abovementioned game. And the next time this guy discusses games that "aren't Jewish", maybe he should pick one that doesn't match the old "Rich Jew" bigoted stereotype so closely...
Balthayzr knows Monopoly has nothing to do with being Jewish, but that it's actually a thinly-disguised copy of an old Eskimo Fable.