1) What's your sex?
I's got a penis.
I'm a fly honey.
I'm a hermaphrodite from the Philippines.
2) Since the movement of the planets and stars can affect one's predisposition to becoming a pimp, please tell us your birthdate so we can factor it into our complicated astrological algorithms which account for dark matter, wormholes, and blackholes.
Format as: (mm/dd/yy - ex. 01/31/50)
3) Are you of African-American descent?
No, but I think I'm pretty fly for a white guy.
Assalaam alaikum, muh brutha.
Some call me a wigger, but I like to think of myself as light on the outside, dark on the inside.
4) Do you think only guys can be pimps?
No doubt. Only men have all the brains and talent it takes.
What'cha talkin' about? Women bring a certain respectability to the world of pimping and can have a special connection with their hos, which men could never achieve because all they think about is spreading some meat curtains with their Kilbasas.
5) Are you a virgin?
I refuse to answer that question.
No, I'd kill myself if I still was, but I'm certainly no nympho.
I'm definitely a virgin to
having sex. In fact I'm gettin' my swerve on right now.
6) How many crimes have you committed?
7) How many times were you caught?
8) Do you like hitting women?
Like? I love it. I often have bitch smacking contests with my friends.
No, women should be treated as Earth goddesses, to be respected and placed upon pedestals of praise.
Definitely, but only when they do something wrong, like talk back, burn my dinner, or refuse to give me oral sex.
9) Do you often strut down the street instead of just walking in a plain manner?
Never, that's ridiculous.
Always, and not just because I got shot in the leg.
Only when no one is watching or I'm not in the bad part of town.
10) If you strut, do you do so while thinking of a cool pimp-like strut song in your mind?
I wouldn't be strutting if I didn't.
No, but thanks for mentioning it.
In my mind? I actually play the song with a boom box I carry with me at all times.
11) What song is it?
The theme from "Shaft."
The theme from "Dolomite."
The theme from "Black Samson."
12) Do you own a leather jacket?
It's a necessity.
No, I lost it playing dice.
Does pleather count?
13) How about owning a flashy multi-colored jacket?
No, I'm not a deer hunter and prefer subtle or muted colors.
Call me the United Colors of Benetton, muh nigga, because it acts like a neon sign for my clients.
14) A coat with fur on it?
It keeps me warm on the cold streets.
No, fur is murder.
My coat is made completely of pubic hair I personally shaved from my hos.
15) How about a hat with a feather in it?
No, I like to show off my hair.
No, I prefer baseball caps with brims that'll hide my face and impede witness identification.
Hell yeah, it's all about following tradition and pimp legacy.
Only when I want to call it macaroni, beeyatch.
16) Do you own shoes with large heels?
Yes, because they give me more height on my hos and are better for beatings.
No, I run from the cops or competing pimps better in my Pumas.
What's your definition of large?
17) And are you prepared to use your shoes to beat down hos that don't bring in the cash or hold out on you?
Hitting women is wrong for any reason.
You best believe it. That bitch better have my money, that ho better have my dough.
No, I don't want to bloody up my nice shoes.
18) What about using those shoes on johns that hit one of your hos or doesn't pay?
You better believe it, because no sex should be free.
No, I won't beat him, I'll pop a cap in his ass.
No, I prefer creating a complex revenge plot in which I'll use a special team of ex-CIA agents to trick him into giving me all his money before he committing suicide.
No, I'll punk his ass by kidnapping him, tying him up in the basement of an abandoned building, then finding large black men to ass rape him.
19) What would be the proper way to use a shoe to beat someone?
By throwing the shoe at them.
By hitting them with the heel applying the proper wrist snap for added torque.
20) Which of the following would make for a good beating shoe?
A big ass boot.
"Fuck me" heels/stiletto.
21) Do you carry a knife?
No, those are dangerous.
Does a butter knife count?
22) Is it concealed in a cane?
No, I keep it with my gun holster.
23) How many blaxploitation films do you own?
24) How many of them have "Pimp" in the title?
25) What is your current pimp hand like?
Weak, it's full of queens.
Decent, a nice pair.
Strong, a full house.
The fuckin' best, a royal flush.
I don't have one yet, but I'm working on it.
A pimp what?
26) What person would you ideally want in your ho stable?
Sarah Jessica Parker
27) Have you ever killed a man or woman?
That's something you gotta do if you make your life on the streets.
No, killing is wrong, very wrong. Plus I don't have the constitution to deal with the guilt.
28) If so, was it because they stepped on your Pumas?
No, it was for something related to drugs and a sex tape involving a python, two goats, and midget.
29) Do you want to kill Doug Szathkey?
No, I'm very tolerant of bad neighbors.
Yeah, that bitch keeps stepping on my Balzac.
30) How many total times do you use the words “cunt,” “whore,” “slut,” “bitch,” or “ho-ma” each day?
31) How many phrases can you make that use at least two of the above words?
32) Do you speak in rhyme?
No, that requires too much brain power.
It's always a good time to bust a rhyme.
33) How much chronic do you smoke each day?
Are you kidding? I grow my own and deal it.
I prefer the more sophisticated high provided by meth or crack.
34) What is your political affiliation?
Politics is for losers who can only get dates with their hands.
What the fuck do I care about politics when I got bitches to sell…unless you're one of those politicians that wants to buy my ho.
35) If you had to, would you turn out your mother or sister?
No, I have respect for family members.
Sure, any lady can be a ho.
Bitch, I already have.
36) How many gold chains and rings do you own?
37) Do you have gold rings that spell out your name or another word, like “fuck” or “pimp”?
You can't be stylin' without them.
Why would I want that?
38) How many gold teeth do you have?
39) Do you have an afro?
No, I prefer a more streamlined hairstyle.
I have an afro pick in it right now.
Not at this moment. I had to change my hairstyle to make identification by the poh-lice harder.
40) How many silk shirts do you own?
41) Do you currently have a nick name with “Dog,” “Mack,” “Big,” or an initial in it?
Wouldn't have it any other way.
No, my nicknames don't seem to be that colorful.
My current nickname seems to be "Open wide, bitch."
42) What quality is most important in a ho-ma?
Excellent oral sex ability.
The ability to go all night long bay-bee and have sex with numerous men in one night.
An excellent sense of humor and rapier wit.
Fashion sensibility and style.
Knowing when to shut her damn mouth.
Big tits and a nice ass.
43) Is your current car bigger than your place of residence?
No, it's a nice and economical car that gets good gas milage.
The bigger the better, because it has style.
My car is my place of residence.
44) And does it have a canvas roof?
Awww yeah, you know how it goes.
Not at all.
45) Is it a different color from the rest of the car?
Can it go any other way?
No, I got one custom made from LeRoy's Body Shop that matches the car's body color.
46) What would be your beverage of choice?
Gin and juice
50-50 Crown Royal and Coke
47) Do you got a plan?
Yes, but it's a secret.
No, I live for the moment.
I ain't got no plan, bay-bee.
48) When you engage in sex, do you force the other person to take it up the ass?
Yes, it makes me feel more powerful.
No, that's only an exit, and if I did that, I might be gay.
49) Or at least force the person to do it on all fours, doggie style?
Yes, you get better leverage and can hit the G-spot.
I'm not an animal, and it's still a bit too gay for me.
50) And while on all fours, do you make sure to smack their ass and force them to bark like a poodle?
Yes, if you're doing it on all fours, you might as well go all the way.
No, that's not classy.
A tool by THE MAN to prevent pimps from breeding.
A device that prevents you from spending money on getting abortions or antibiotics for STDs.
Something that'll get a woman pregnant.
53) Are you concerned about the degrading status of the inner city and the negative influences created of the introduction of drugs to the ghetto by the CIA?
Yes, it's a tragedy.
No, it helps my bidness.
The fuck you talkin' 'bout?
54) How much should a good pimp make each year?
55) The onus of birth control:
The man's - Gotta slap on the skins.
The woman's - Bitch better be on the pill.
The doctor's - Abortion is my preferred birth control method.
My foot's - One swift kick to the gut, and you ain't got no baby problems.
56) How many forties have you poured onto the sidewalk in memory of your dead homeys?
Too many to count, muh brotha, too many to count.
57) Would you give a discount if a client wanted two of your hos?
Yes, it's important to reward the customers for buying their sex in bulk.
Hell no! I want my money, beeyatch!
Back to Fun and Games with Stephen and Albert