George Lucas Defends E2 Title
George Lucas made a public appearance yesterday to defend his decision to name Star Wars: Episode 2 "Attack of the Clones", telling assempled press and fans that it was "a good title, a fine title, and you will all enjoy the title or be destroyed."
Lucas gave the speech from a balcony of his Skywalker Ranch estate, dressed in an Imperial officer's gray uniform, carrying a glowing swagger stick, and wearing the back half of Darth Vader's helmet on his head, leading some to believe that the filmmaker is beginning to lose touch with the audience.
"There are those, such as that turncoat Ewan McGregor, that believe that 'Attack of the Clones' is a terrible, terrible title. Well, we will show them. We will wreak a terrible, terrible vengeance upon their souls. We will fight them on the beaches. Love is a battlefield. A battlefield Earth, if you will. We will hit them with our best shot. We will fire away. We will walk 500 miles. And then we will walk 500 more. Oh, and Jar-Jar was really funny."
As he talked, he waved the glowing swagger stick around, punctuating his swipes with lightsaber noises and flying spittle.
"This movie features clones (vorp), and these clones attack, and (vwoomp) sometimes they are successful in these attacks (kssssssh). That is why I named this movie Attack of the Clones. To all you nay-sayers out there (vrowm), there will be both clones and attacking in Star Wars: Episode Two: Attack of the Clones, so shut your (vwoom freeow vwoom ptaow) yaps or I'll blow up your planet."
Despite statements such as this, the "Attack of the Clones" announcement has caused an even bigger uproar amongst the fan community than the "Phantom Menace" announcement did. On the Internet, a record-setting 5,932 fanboys thought they were being witty while making "Send In The Clones" jokes. "It's an unprecedented level of wankery," explained fanography expert James (No Relation) Doohan of Harvard. "To put it in perspective, only 1,984 fanboys went the 'Fandom Menace' route in 1999, so this represents a nearly three-fold increase in masturbatory wordplay among the fan community. This could turn violent."
Industry analysts don't expect the title, no matter how awful, or Lucas' behavior, no matter how aberrant, to affect the potential box-office grosses of "Attack of the Clones".
"I know I'm going to see it," said one Star Wars fan, wiping the Lucaspittle(TM) off his face with a Jar-Jar Binks towel. "I bet it'll have lightsaber fights. Plus that bit about clones, and them attacking, sounded pretty neat."
The clones will be attacking in May, 2002. The clone action figures with Clone Attack Action (TM) will be on clearance nationwide in August, 2002.
20/20 Hindsight: Filler From NewsBreak's Past
As I go through the archives, I will occasionally stumble across items of note. Usually embarassing things, like days where I was obviously treading water, filling space, and high on cough syrup. Or things I said which, while they made perfect sense at the time, in retrospect, end up a bit embarassing.
Such as this, from March 13, 1998:
"And yeah, I think that the American public is about to be sucker-punched again by Nintendo when the Color Game Boy is released this summer. I mean, folks had their chance to buy the Lynx, the Game Gear, the Turbo Express, and the Nomad, each of which, despite being released from 1.5 to 6 years ago, are more powerful than the Color Game Boy will be. But now it's a Game Boy, and all of a sudden Nintendo is going to have invented the color hand-held in the minds of most Americans. Don't look at me. I'm not the one who bought into the whole Game Boy thing, nor the "Game Boy With Colored Case" thing, nor the "Game Boy Pocket", nor even the "Game Boy Pocket With Colored Case" thing."
Flash forward to 2001, and I've now since, um, bought into the Game Boy Color thing, on a whim on vacation. And then I went and bought into the Game Boy Advance thing. Not that I'm not still bitter about it, it's just that being able to play Ms. Pac Man on the bus goes a long way towards assuaging my Nintendo guilt.
