The Week In Review (5/26/98)
So, I'm back from my NewsBreak hiatus. I know all your lives have been empty and devoid of meaning while I've been gone, so let's get right back on track with some of the stuff I didn't get to comment on last week.First, Bob Hope's honorary knighthood. Hope, who emerged from the pits of Hell four thousand and ninety six years ago, started his current identity in England.
The knighthood was given in honor of his decades of work coasting off of his wartime popularity. Experts claim that the reason Hope seemed so disoriented at the knighting ceremony was because the being that received the award was actually a crude golem, made up to resemble Hope, who was busy using his necromantic power to undergo yet another unnatural regeneration.
Meanwhile, up in space, the Galaxy 4 satellite went all whoopsie, sending millions of desperate pager signals out into deep space. Scientists predict that within 50 years, we will be visited by hordes of aliens looking to buy crack and pick up Mom at the airport.
As the pages, TV shows, and other data transmitted on Galaxy 4 vanished into the ether, we were reminded of how fragile our technological society is, and, more importantly, how incredibly frigging whiny we as a society can be when our toys break.
Finally, Charlie Sheen's not dead. He overdosed, but didn't die. Since then, he's been bouncing in and out of hospitals and rehab centers, proving once again that he hasn't been able to do a single thing right since "Hot Shots!".
Charlie, 32, is just about at that stage of his life where he should be tucking money into an IRA and wondering why all the music on the radio sounds like noise. Instead, he's hearing the tap-tap-tap of Bob Hope on his windowpane. Still, it could be worse. At least his dad's doing a Babylon 5 movie.
