Somebody, Please, Stop Him (4/20/98)
Pat Boone, the geriatric poster-boy for unsuccessful pandering, has announced he is working on a collaboration album with some of soul's greatest stars.He has already finished recording one track for the album, a duet with James Brown on "Papa's Got A Brand New Bag". Boone denied rumors that his "new bag" was of the colostomy type, saying "I keep that stuff where it belongs. On record store shelves nationwide."
Those of you who haven't blocked the intense pain from your memories may recall Boone's last desperate stunt to reposition himself as a hideous, mocking self-caricature, "In A Metal Mood", which was to music what "Batman and Robin" was to, well, pretty much everything.
If you'll allow me to break the tissue-thin barrier between "news" and "editorial" for a second, folks, think about it. First heavy metal, now soul. Which means that, a year or two from now, he's going to do a rap album. There's no avoiding it. So, Bob Hope, if you're reading this page, stop wasting your soul-sucking time with Tammy Wynette and Linda McCartney, and pay Pat Boone a visit before we're treated to his rendition of "Fight The Power". 'K? 'K.
