X149 X: THE MAN WITH THE X-RAY EYES (7/26/98)

MOVIE
This Sci Fi Channel's Sightings made for TV movie stars Ray Milland as Dr. James Xavier, head of a school for blind and sexually deprived Nam vets. In his mad quest to create x-ray glasses that he can sell from the back of comic books, he discovers a special concoction of LSD, Propecia, and cat urine that gives him sight beyond sight when applied directly to the eyes. When his grant from Bob Guccione is cut off, he decides to test the compound on himself. The addictive drug drives him to madness, and he travels from town to town using his newly found X-ray vision to stare at the privies of crippled elderly men and women - satisfying his lust through elaborate sexual machines he creates from Legos and Connectix. Xavier eventually ends up working for Don Rickles as a sideshow freak who can guess men's penis sizes and women's true hair color. Rickles, a voyeur greedy for male companionship, ties up Dr. Xavier and teases him with an erotic dance in hopes of learning the secret of X-ray vision. Xavier, manages to escape by using a pocket vibrator and a helium filled balloon and runs to Rev. Hinn to be healed of his addiction. When he can't provide an adequate donation, he's forced to pluck out his own eyes. This sad tale of self-sodomy clearly parallels the troubled life of acclaimed director Joel Schumacher and is a reflection of man's need to attain perfect abs.

CAUTION: HOMEGAMERS X-ING
Balthayzr> Rated X for X-cruciating.
andre> The Residents present.
andre> this is back in the day when freeze frames could open a movie
Balthayzr> Is this a Visine ad?
KevinL> Hard boiled eye.
andre> Vertigo 2: This time it's bland
Ironf> that was the entire effects budget BTW
* Balthayzr hums Green Hornet theme.
KevinL> Samuel J. Erkoff.
andre> The X-Day Story
andre> Well, I can only see in sepiatone. It troubles me.
Balthayzr> I think I need glasses. I actually signed a contract to do a Corman film!!
Cthulhu> Lenscrafters were so primative in those days.
Balthayzr> Xavier, I read your report. A school for Mutant kids?
andre> Here, let me show you my projected man project.
Ironf> I'm getting the vibe that she tried out for the Cat-Woman role a few times
Balthayzr> Early sample of technobabble, kids. Study it well.
BEMaven> She can't be a doctor. Her hands aren't in her pockets.
ServoT> here, let me show you my Dr. Dredful Drink Lab
andre> These are our failed experiments to combine rabbits with people from detroit.
andre> Project X: The Monkey with X-ray Eyes
THX-1138> Meanwhile in Reston VA
Balthayzr> Now, remember this is just a working model. The actuall capachino machine will be much bigger.
ServoT> Well, your eye will get sensitive when you stick a needle in it
andre> This monkey has been trained since birth to compute ERAs in his head.
Cthulhu> Now we're going to turn this monkey into a Nazi.
THX-1138> When does Kim Basinger bust down the door and rescue the animals?
andre> Now, I'm going to pump nicotine into his bloodstream until he dies. Isn't science fun?
GersonK> Rhesus Monkey Butter Cups?
BEMaven> Think of the traffic lights he could operate.
Cthulhu> Monkey Shines II: The Organ Grinder Years.
Ironf> Much like the cyclops in Krull, the monkey can only see his own death
Balthayzr> Ah, the good old days when cartoon characters told us about the joys of smoking....
ServoT> So, they sleep together and his NEED for the x-ray project dominishes
andre> let's not talk about his untraveled paths. There are children here.
Cthulhu> They're not talking about science are they?
Cthulhu> Nothing's imposible with X-RAYS!!!
Balthayzr> Forget X-rays. Try RADAR!!!
Ironf> 'I'm sorry as a result of my freezing I can't REGULATE THE LOUDNESS OF my voice'
GersonK> Isn't that Cal's lab from TIE?
Cthulhu> Sam, I'm leaving you for the chimp in the pyschology lab... I hope you understand.
Ironf> Ocular nerves of the rich and famous
Balthayzr> So, X-rays just lay graph paper over everything.
Cthulhu> He's got RoboCop vision.
Balthayzr> I can see your underpants!
Balthayzr> He can see thru paper!
Balthayzr> I must test this outside the girls locker room....
Cthulhu> The Man With the Golden Eyeball.
BEMaven> Corman spilled beer in the film lab again.
GersonK> They're closing down his lab and turning it into a Starbucks
andre> Better get cracking on my Jesus Complex
BEMaven> She has an in-grown Beanie Baby.
ServoT> The audience won't soon forget when the thing that we didn't know what it was was in the girl we hadn't really heard of.
KevinL> Is Ray Milland dead? If he is, that would make him an Ex-Ray.
KevinL> I can see right through this martini glass and the gin inside it. AMAZING!
Balthayzr> Luckily, this is the "Turn Your Back To Ray Milland" dance.
BEMaven> More like the Man With G-Rated Eyes.
KevinL> I really dig the way you shave down there.
THX-1138> X-ray eye drops! Imagine all the money kids will save when they no longer need to buy porn mags!
Balthayzr> X-rays make your eyes dolly down halls?
andre> you should get those genital warts checked out, Bob.
Cthulhu> So x-rays don't pass through telephones or desks?
THX-1138> I practiced this operation over and over again on Life and Death
andre> One is always considered mad when one perfects something that other cannot grasp. It's true, you know.
Balthayzr> Now, watch me pull a rabbit out of her spleen....
andre> a human theremin is in the next room
GersonK> there's some idiot in the viewing area with a box of Junior mints
andre> damnit, ray! This is not your personal operation! MAVERICK!
Cthulhu> For God sake Sam, that's the third paitent you've saved this month. The review board will hear of this!
GersonK> Oh, he's going after the one armed man
Ironf> Told ya he would become a carny with his eye powers
BEMaven> Ahh, the ground is the same color as the hospital walls.
andre> CPO Sharkey in his gentlest role yet.
KevinL> Mentallo, the Fresh Maker.
Cthulhu> Err Mentallo, Johny Carson's lawyers are on the line.
Balthayzr> You also have skid marks in yer underpants.
THX-1138> He eventually learns how to shoot red beams out of his eyes.
Ironf> THERE'S A RICKLES ON THE WING OF THE PLANE!!
Ironf> ahh Rickles is the first to willfully pervert the power
BryanL> Six Flags over Stock Footage.
ServoT> Come to Stock Footage Fair
GersonK> Doctor on the run because he's wanted for murder, he's at an amusement park - I tellz ya', the one armed man is right around the corner
Balthayzr> He later gets a job in a public school as the metal detector. Next, on Dr. X-ray!!!
Ironf> And we call our new group 'Scientology'
Balthayzr> He sees right thru her into a copy of Gray's Anatomy.
andre> Ray Milland Signature Series Sunglasses: ask for them by name.
BEMaven> That's enough talk of penetration, thank you.
andre> the American Medical Association is going to be sooooo cheeesed.
BEMaven> You have an oil painting in your lungs.
ServoT> Hmmm, I should have worn my lead frock today....
KevinL> He could always gouge out his own eyes with a melon baller.
Ironf> if he puts on 3-d glasses, will his head explode?
BryanL> The Man With The Rear Projection Eyes.
THX-1138> He's gonna go steal Sammy Davis Jr's glass eye
BryanL> That's great. He's gonna take Vegas for all its worth, but he'll keep bumping into people on the way out.
ServoT> You don't have to have X-Ray vision to see the cigarette ladies underwear, just a dollar
Ironf> sad thing is, all he plays is craps
Balthayzr> Oh, wait, these are my nose drops, so I can smell thru walls.
THX-1138> Let's go watch the autistic man at the other table.
Balthayzr> "Sorry, sir, X-ray vision is illegal in this state."
BryanL> Toonces, the Cat with the X-Ray Eyes.
BryanL> Need For Speed IV: Milland Pursuit.
BryanL> Damn. Here we are at the end of the world, tons of books, and Ray forgot his reading glasses.
KevinL> So basically those eye drops let him see the opening credits from Star Trek: First Contact.
andre> Ray Milland discovers the secret of Jello Pudding pops, joins a touring company of "Cats", and has a torrid love affair with Don Rickles. That's it, Jamie.
BEMaven> Hey, the Reverend is the only loon allowed in here.
Ironf> So the oilians got him too
KevinL> We learned that it's nice when these movies are only 75 minutes long.
andre> I learned that Corman is also capable of making suprisingly entertaining movies.
BEMaven> I learned that a kaliedscope was the extent of the sfx budget.
Balthayzr> I learned that the world does look colored like that thru x-ray specs.
Ironf> I learned this movie had an ok start, an ok middle, but really no end at all.
Balthayzr> I learned tha t the ladies who do that "ooooOOOOOoooOOOO" get somw decent residuals.....
ServoT> I learned that Michael Jackson had better contacts in Thriller
BEMaven> I learned that they had some damaged stock left for the closing credits.

X-RAYTED QUOTES
"I don't lend it... I give it away"
"How do your eggs taste then?"
"Sam, I need you"
"I never think. I eat."
"My dear friend, only the Gods see everything." "My dear doctor, I'm closing in on the Gods!"

BUDAN TOUCHES US ALL
*** Joins: DuBsIdE (drflatline@pool038-max3.ds21-ca-us.dialup.earthlink.net)
Balthayzr> SO, DubSide, have you reconsidered Scientology?
DuBsIdE> are the crazy scientologists here?
andre> What's wrong with scientology? Is your father still fucked up on drugs, Mr Bigot?
andre> Are you going to be a prozac-swilling loser like him?
Plumm> earthlink is sciento-controlled, you know.
DuBsIdE> anyway I studied up on your website and I found large ideas full of crap
andre> PROZAC IS A KILLER, dubside. It's going to kill your father
DuBsIdE> How is Prozac a killer?
Plumm> I'll travolta spam you OT3-style so fast, you'll think John Woo projectile vomitted up your ass, Fair-Game-boy.
DuBsIdE> It lowers Ceratonin levels
DuBsIdE> which stops uncontollable emotions
THX-1138> The gunman in Washington DC was on Prozac
MrBooze> It might have some effect on *S*eratonin levels as well.
andre> your father is a drugged zomvie, dubside
andre> he'll never amount to anything when he's still swallowing those evil pills
DuBsIdE> ceratonin is with a C
Ironf> Please, please, please seek help for your father at a local org. i'm sure if you called, they would even provide transportation for you two.
THX-1138> It's SEROTONIN
andre> Thanks to L Ron's technology, we will clear the planet
MrBooze> Prozac is a *S*erotonin Reuptake Inhibitor, you wag.
DuBsIdE> CERATONIN YOU MORON
andre> soon there won't be any foul doubters and drug addicts like you around when we're in control
andre> stop trying to change the subject, drug addict. your "lols" won't save you from drug slavery
Plumm> you're not like this drug-addled heathen dubside, who capitalizes like a volcano is going off in his cerbral cortex?
MrBooze> Look it up, dimple. S-e-r-a-t-o-n-i-n.
Ironf> serotonin
Ironf> n : a neurotransmitter involved in e.g. sleep and depression and
Ironf> memory [syn: 5-hydroxytryptamine]
andre> The drugs have clearly turned your mind to cabbage.
DuBsIdE> I don't take drugs you generalizing prick
andre> you must be on drugs. You are FOR drug slavery, just like dubside
andre> generalizing prick? you must take your father's prozac to be such a stooge
Ironf> See you were wrong about this, so you may very well be wrong about Scientology and it's new slant on life.
andre> PROZAC! IT'S A KILLER!
Plumm> Generalizing pricks are a rapidly-dosappearing species in this era of specialization and HMOs.
andre> Booze, may Ron's teachings heal your troubled mind before you go out of control.
Ironf> Please go take the FREE test. Call you local org and tell them that you would like to take the FREE test. If need be, they will make arrangments to come to your home and administer the FREE test to you.
andre> it's all FREE, no money is involved.
MrBooze> You may also qualify for free restraints during the free test.
andre> his predatory homosexuality is disturbing. he was offering us gay pornography earlier.
andre> homosexuality is an abberation that can only be healed by Ron's spiritual technology
DuBsIdE> I wanna lick you all over over and over and over
Balthayzr> See what drugs have done to you?
MrBooze> As a gay man, I find Janet Reno an irresistable lure. All the benefits of maleness, with a bonus vagina.
Plumm> I know all about your kind from those S&M episodes of Law & Order Dick Wolf seems to love so much.
Ironf> Booze is what we refer to as a squirrel. He has been though the courses, believes in using the technology, but doesn't want to follow through in the spiritual parts of our faith
andre> Booze, your type makes me sick. You mincing, prancing, alcoholic wog.
DuBsIdE> YOU UGLY MOTHER FUCK HOMOSEXUALITY IS NO CONDITION! ITS A CHOICE OR RATHER A RACE
andre> a race?
MrBooze> Yes, it's a race. And I WON! Woo hoo!
* MrBooze does the homosexual race victory dance
DuBsIdE> They are no different merely have better taste in clothing hehe
Plumm> Have you been reading the uncut Bell Curve manuscripts or something?
andre> so not only are you a drug addict, you're also homosexual vermin, dubside?
Balthayzr> Sounds like you speak from experience, dubside. Are you a pillow biter?
Ironf> Dubside, have you clearly thought about these feelings and what they are doing to you, your family, and your friends. I seriously urge you to go to an org and take the FREE personality test. it will allow you to see the truth.
andre> I used to be a monstrous budan addict... I would take it 4 times a day
andre> not anymore... I'm free of budan and HIGH ON LIFE!
DuBsIdE> Seriously am having urges to masturbate in the public
Ironf> I used to be a celebrity stalker, but thought the work of a few Scientologists, I was able to overcome these tendencies and now I try to help others
andre> Yes, Ironf used to really stalk George Kennedy...
andre> who is incidentally now I scientologist
DuBsIdE> My dad is getting home soon and he gonna have a field day with you ssholes
THX-1138> Home from getting drunk and buying drugs?
andre> yes, bring on your drug addict father.
DuBsIdE> I see scientologists are really ex-fucked up and fucked up again pricks
THX-1138> Does your father, in his drug induced condition, beat you for not living up to the family name?
andre> you want me on drugs? wasted on budan?
DuBsIdE> Sure Andre have all the budan you want and live the most fucked up time of your life VIVA LA DRUGS
andre> you're FOR drug slavery! you're FOR drug addiction! ron have mercy on you
Plumm> Ron wouild never have mercy on such scum.
DuBsIdE> I hope you die in your own vomit and then be defribbulated only to live your life as a human vegetable
THX-1138> Dubside, did you not get enough love as a child or something? Dad not "stuff your turkey" often enough?
Ironf> Dubside, have you ever walked down the street and seen the people strung out on budan, penniless, no teeth, rags for clothes?
andre> living day to day, fucking strange men in toilets to pay for budan
DuBsIdE> Budan what the f is it? huh never heard of it and I used to live in boston projects
andre> budan is 10 times stronger than heroin
andre> i bet your dad knows what it is
andre> I bet he does it all the time, what a waste product
andre> he probably injects it and down a prozac chaser
Ironf> Prozac is a ladder drug towards budan
andre> BUDAN AND PROZAC! IT'S A KILLER!
DuBsIdE> yep he was a drug addict before I was born and found jesus and became a dedicated Episcapalian
Ironf> I bet he takes his budan anally, as a supository
DuBsIdE> no our family doesn't do drugs
Ironf> What medical school did you go to? Caffine is a drug.
DuBsIdE> no you fucking anti christ shut up you deranged mental brainwashed corporate scum
Balthayzr> Dubside, perhaps you should go. You seem to be a disruptive influence here.
andre> you're strung out on budan...
andre> and sick with AIDS
DuBsIdE> YOU SICK UGLY FUCKS YOU ARE THE SCUM OF ALL HUMAN KIND YOU ARE THE WORST EXAMPLE OF RELIGION YOU ARE A SICK CULT LIKE THE REST OF THEM
Ironf> I'm sorry I can't take much more of this abuse. It's clear that he isn't interested in the FREE personality test. I doubt even the mighty L. Ron could help this troubled soul and his drug addled father