x46 MIRACLE IN THE WILDERNESS (12/17/97)

MOVIE
One word: riding. It pretty much sums up this movie, that and Indian (I can call them that because I took a Native American Studies course and my professor said so) stereotypes. Yep, this movie starts out with Kristofferson chopping down a tree, meeting his old drinking buddy, and riding. We meet frontier wife Cattrall before there is some drunken brawling, which is of course, interrupted by some riding. Eventually, some paganistic Blackfeet kidnap Kris, Kim, and their TV baby all for the purpose of revenge. They ride to the Indian camp, but before arriving there's another confrontation which further breaks up the riding. We all know God will triumph over all evil, so when Cattrall tells their Indian captors the story of how "God" sacrificed his only son to save mankind, it's no surprise that it works and they are let go. It's not like those animal worshipping savages could begin to fathom "God." Turner hits every Indian stereotype in this movie, except for the one about drunk Indians, but the drunk brawling hicks more than make up for that. The movie ends with more riding.

HEATHENOUS REMARKS BY PAGANS
Deuce> He's singing "You're not fooling anybody, Turner."
Q> so, this is the apache-lakota branch of the cherokee-inuit tribe, then?
THX-1138> Chuck Norris is gonna come and kick his ass.
Deuce> I'm sorry, but Aaron Copland rip-off music just sounds wrong on a Casio.
Djenk1> Infidelity is funny...
Deuce> Remember that time we killed that Negro for lookin' at yer wife? Good times...
Q> what good teeth this guy has for a wild west person
Jamie> Complete indifferent boredom in under 13 minutes. More or less standard for a TNT Original, I suppose.
Q> oh, thank you movie. all my life i've wanted to see a shot of kris kristofferson blowing his nose. thank you VERY much
Jamie> Monday Nitro of the oooold West.
Djenk1> When did we go from drunken brawling to drunken ecumenical discussion?
Deuce> Next thing you know, you come home and your wife's got the pizza boy tied up with leather straps and she's playing "Cripple Mr. Onion."
Djenk1> Indian history makes me horny..
THX-1138> They better watch out or the DINGO MIGHT GET THEIR BABY!
Djenk1> What is it boy? Timmy will grow up and fall downa well?
THX-1138> Wasn't Kim's nickname in highschool Lassie?
Ironf> good god was that dog suddenly sick?
Backlash> this movie isn't bad its just really really boring =)
Q> burn, baby burn - cabin inferno
dungarees> So Kim Cattral i proud Mary?
Djenk1> Over the river and through the woods to uncertain doom we go
Jamie> That's not your husband, Kim, it's just Kris Kristofferson.
dungarees> They cover their dead with rocks! Like those godless Scots! And Peruvians! And Celts!
BillDoor> They should cover their dead like Americans! With dirt...which admitedly is lots of little rocks...
Q> so, what are the odds we'll hear kristofferson yell "give me back my son!!!" at some point in the flick?
Ironf> That ones name is Speaks like Yogi.
Jamie> We've got Indian spirit, yes we do, we got Indian spirit, how bout you?!
THX-1138> We've got American spirit, we've got class. Shove your spirit up your ass!
BillDoor> Mrxl!
Deuce> Life is tough, times are hard! Here's your *$#$in' Christmas Card!
BillDoor> One day he'll grow up to be Richard Harris.
Deuce> She's a very wooden actress. Well, she was in Mannequin...
Djenk1> So now we have Native Americans as both violent savages and heartless baby thieves!
dungarees> Mount up! Kick Ball Change!
Q> the deer is just lost; he's looking for the dances with wolves set
BillDoor> Jesus made it to 3rd level Ranger before converting to cleric, you know.
dungarees> Paws and those dirty shepards....he had weird ideas, that Jesus!
THX-1138> Then this alien named Xemu came and blew up all the volcanoes with H-bombs.
andre> I'd just like to stop and thank ted turner for this...
BillDoor> Look, I've gotta ask. Where *have* all the cowboys gone?
andre> Hi, this is god. I hate indians.
Deuce> That guy's singing Indian gangsta rap.
* dungarees is glad she had more than a half a bottle of wine before this movie
Ironf> excuse me was that a shirtless woman?
Jamie> So the Christmas miracle that spurred all this happned in the beginnning of spring time, but the deer was born and it's December, and I'm very confused.
Deuce> "And the Thing and Ghost Rider were there too!"
Q> and the little drummer boy! and rudolph! and frosty the snowman!
THX-1138> And the Beegees!
Deuce> Jack Frost! Nestor the Long Eared Donkey!
andre> and then Koko, god of pastries got involved.
THX-1138> The Village People showed up too
dungarees> And Men without Hats
THX-1138> And Devo.
Deuce> And Warren Zevon, of course.
dungarees> And then Heat Miser tried to ruin everything!
Jamie> Actually, the new Blockbuster opened, and they had rented some floodlights.
dungarees> They brought Chia Heads and Designer Impostors
andre> then they ritually sacrificied a child to improve the corn crop this year.
Jamie> And stuffed fake doggie poo in their stockings.
Jamie> Excpet back then, fake doggie poo was real buffalo poo, and everyon only had one pair of stockkings, that they wore verywhere.
BillDoor> They brought sobakawa pillows and small home-electrolysis kits!
THX-1138> And a gift certificate to Starbucks.
andre> they brought gifts of Steve Alaimo records and porcelain hobo figurines
dungarees> And Jesus was declared truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous
dungarees> And thus, the first Tickle Me Elmo was born
Q> great, give the kid a bow and arrows. mary's gonna be running after him till new year's going "careful, jesus, you'll poke your eye out!"
andre> Any second, I expect martian elder chochum to come out and deliver a halting speech about christmas
Deuce> So where does the Miracle in the Wilderness come into play?
andre> this movie can't even kill right.
Jamie> So, that deer was really Jesus?
dungarees> No! Jesus was the Union soldier with the fetching blue shawl!
Q> good, idea, give old druken uncle sleazebag the baby
Deuce> "Say, now that I got you, I ever tell you about the time ol' Jericho screwed two San Francisco whores at once?"
Deuce> I learned that the only miracle involved here was that we all got through it alive. How about you?
Q> so basically we learned that indians are godless heathens who can only learn compassion by converting to our nice perfect white christian ways. did i miss anything?
andre> I learned that Christmas is a time for knife fights.
Deuce> I learned that Kris Kristofferson should never speak. Ever.
Ironf> I learned that the only stereotype that Turner forgot was that Indians are drunks.
dungarees> I learned that Kim Cattrall is more delusional than previously believed
Jamie> I learned that Kris Kristofferson should stick to songwriting.

WILDY MIRACULOUS QUOTES FROM THE LORD
"And you expect me to believe that?"
"And now he rides the bone."
"The white man's God is good to the white man."
"Little Dear can have no more children. Your son will be my son."
"Looks like a grizzly bear and a jack-ass went at each other."
"And the other animals also talk?"
"Yeah, we've gone at it, but it was a long time ago."
"Sam's a good man."
"And the Eagle told Mary she should have a son."
"I never killed anyone I didn't have to."
"We are all his children, he loves us all."

EAT ME