x152 WALKING TALL (8/3/98)

MOVIE
Integrating elements of the classic French novel The Return of Martin Guerre and critically-acclaimed American television series "The Dukes of Hazzard," Walking Tall is the tale of a brave yet profoundly stupid man, Buford Pusser, who gains enough experience points in one night's brutal beating to be immediately elevated to 9th-level "Sheriff." Joe Don Baker plays the role of a lifetime as Pusser, a former circus geek who returns to his Tennessee home town only to discover vice festering in the forms of moonshine, prostitution, gambling, and countless fried chicken and grits stands. Pusser goes on a one-man Redneck Rampage after being ambushed by Bill Clinton's cousins. Through careful manipulation of racial demographics, Pusser is elected sheriff and begins his clean-up of the town. Beat-downs commence, as every able-bodied Christian male in the town is either deputized or horribly disfigured. In a surprising meta-filmic homage to Manos: The Hands of Fate, the Pusser family dog is slain by evil forces. But, as Pusser's mentor Sean Connery said, "He sends one of yours to the pet cemetery, you send one of theirs to the morgue. That's the redneck way." Retribution follows, in the sort of endless cycle of violence that makes rural America great. Oh, and let me spoil the ending: Joe Don's wife is shot in the face. Have a nice day!

CALICO IS COOL
mgrasso> *femmy announcer* "joe don baker is the mayor of a small texas town that lets his big stick do ALL the talking"
Ironf> plot summary from IMDB
Ironf> "Hixploitation" drama, based on true events in the life of Tennessee sheriff Buford Pusser, who "removes" corruption in his county with a four-foot-long wooden club. When the criminals attack his family, Buford shoots a whorehouse manager in thehead and runs hillbilly gangsters over with his car.
MrBooze> McNary County is a living legend?
mgrasso> "bing crosby productions????"
MrBooze> Look for some good old-fashioned child beating I would think.
MrBooze> Wait. Is this "Lolita"?
BEMaven> C'mon, camera. In or out of the car.
MrBooze> They get in an accident while she gives him head and they run over a gypsy.
mgrasso> joe don's gonna have one of those cows tonight to celebrate moving in
Ironf> This place could be right up the road from me.
BEMaven> That's authentic Southern gibberish, folks.
MrBooze> "Look, Buford, look!" At least 5 times a day, Ironf?
Ironf> Well the other day at a store a woman was yelling at her kid named "Jesse James"
Ironf> and it was a GIRL
mgrasso> yep. it's schlitz, folks.
mgrasso> oh, wait, it *could* be miller high life!
MrBooze> Ah, Tennesee, where even the whores live in trailers.
BEMaven> Joe should have brought the family.
mgrasso> yeah, he could've sold the dog into prostitution
mgrasso> *i* can't understand craps, and this moron is going to?
Ironf> O/~ Everybody was Red-neck fighting O/~
mgrasso> joe don! use the patented figure four!
BEMaven> This screams for a Giant Spider Invasion.
mgrasso> joe don studied at the prestigious "rain man" school of enunciation
MrBooze> HAve you noticed how big tough men seem to always have spindly little boy childen?
mgrasso> ah yes. black belt jones, we meet again
BEMaven> Where's the octagenarian bouncer when you need him?
Ironf> Joe Don Baker IS Doughy Samson!
MrBooze> No! Booze just makes him stronger!
MrBooze> We're gonna hear the word panties today....
mgrasso> i hear burt reynolds cried over this scene as a young child.
mgrasso> why is it every joe don soliloquy sounds like a demented, rabid aardvark?
Ironf> "AND PUT ON YOUR SHIRT!"
MrBooze> I have to agree with the judge.
BEMaven> Stop it, you're arousing the Prosecutor.
Melcocha> Thank God he stopped him before he went for the pants...
Melcocha> "Some folks'll never lose a toe, but then again some folk'll!"
BEMaven> How can it be time-expanded when everyone rambles at 70 mph?
mgrasso> there's a coppertone ad daguerrotype on the wall there
Melcocha> And a bowling pin lamp.
BEMaven> he's posting bills for his jazz band.
mgrasso> you know, ska sounded SO different back then
Ironf> Even with the Jerri-curls, Joe Don still has the oiliest hair
BEMaven> CHIPS...the in-bred years.
mgrasso> i dunno, if i were a southern sheriff, maybe i would take on a big-ass pickup truck with a tiny chevy nova.
Ironf> Joe Don Baker IS Hacksaw Jin Duggan
Ironf> HOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
MrBooze> What the hell was that all about?
mgrasso> zed's dead, boozey. zed's dead.
BEMaven> The Sheriff spilled his Big Gulp.
MrBooze> The elections over? I never thought I'd survive the tension.
mgrasso> block party at buford's!
mgrasso> wooohooo! break out the piss-warm schlitz and hog jowls!
MrBooze> Man, has a movie ever captured the gritty drama of a drawn out election campaign so perfectly?
BEMaven> Not since Li'l Abner.
mgrasso> or "primary colors"
BEMaven> or "Billy Jack Goes To Washington".
Melcocha> Or the Brady Bunch ep where Greg ran for class president.
Ironf> You will respect my authoritah!
MrBooze> Booze is best when served in plastic.
mgrasso> it's aged well... it's 5 minute old whiskey.
MrBooze> He's actually carrying his stick in court. Now THAT'S authoritah.
MrBooze> And knocking down tables in a restaraunt. In a west end town.
MrBooze> Call the police, there's a madman around.
* Melcocha really hopes some chickens find their way into a scene somewhere
BEMaven> "What about the rights of that little girl? No, wait. That's Kenneth Tobey."
mgrasso> ROCKOUT!
BEMaven> Oh, great. the rock video is time-expanded.
mgrasso> hey! it's the local black panther/aryan nation mixer!
Mellie> Clumsy Pick-Ups: Volume II
Mellie> I'm sober as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore!
mgrasso> that's the joe don we know and love.
mgrasso> dropped him like a bad habit.
Mellie> Ah, nothing like a glass-jawed deputy.
mgrasso> *blank look*
mgrasso> *blank look*
mgrasso> *blank look*
mgrasso> this is called "methodless" acting i believe
BEMaven> "I got drunk and acted stupid." Run for Judge.
Ironf> I discovered your 7 secret herbs and spices, so I *suggest* you co-operate.
BEMaven> I take back what I said earlier. The Goodwill Games should close with this movie.
BEMaven> Is everybody a deputy?
Ironf> O/~ Don't mess with Mr. Booze O/~
mgrasso> amen, brother iron.
MrBooze> I mean, has moonshine really been a problem since the repeal of prohibition?
mgrasso> thrill-hungry crackers still need the risk of going blind, booze.
Mellie> Oh, it's not moonshine. Just counterfeit purified water to sell to those fancy-pants down in califor-ny-a.
BEMaven> Shot him in the gut? you'll need more ammo.
MrBooze> Ironically, the thick network of scar tissue protected him.
MrBooze> Okay, I call no way. He should no way still be alive after two point blank shots.
mgrasso> jack!!!!
mgrasso> hooray for mr. daniels!
Ironf> Ahhh good 'ole Jack Daniels paid a visit
Mellie> Oooh, dollar cee-gars.
mgrasso> "producto de.... peru?"
Mellie> hecho por new jersey
mgrasso> the logic in this movie is folding in upon itself
Mellie> Oh, God I hope that was a holster and not what it looked like at first glance...
BEMaven> Leave the safety catch off, hon.
MrBooze> Why don't you just clean that until it goes off, Joe don.
BEMaven> Actually, his stick goes off while he's cleaning it.
Mellie> "No, Buford, don't do it!"
Mellie> That's a horrible thing to scream while bent over
Ironf> I guess the Million Dollar Man just didn't pay enough anymore
mgrasso> everyone SHUT UP!
mgrasso> everyone, have a schlitz and a 'lude.
mgrasso> calm down.
MrBooze> Um...that looked an awful lot like legal whiskey.
mgrasso> wow. the school bus method of shipping convicts.
BEMaven> The hookers are going on a field trip.
mgrasso> well, the dog's dead. but think! we got stew for the next couple of months!
Ironf> O/~ Mama don't let your babies grow up to be Pussers O/~
MrBooze> They killed SHep! Bastards!
MrBooze> HEY! Joe! Bad touch!
mgrasso> there's a new dog in one of these boxes, kids!
Ironf> There WAS a dog
mgrasso> guess i called it.
BEMaven> it's not much of a movie...more of an NRA travelogue.
BEMaven> he only shows his tender side to hookers from his boyhood days.
MrBooze> Ah, the grandparents came back out of hiding.
Mellie> Grandma's in the basket?
mgrasso> well, everyone got what they deserved.
mgrasso> especially that evil dog.
Mellie> Yup. Burnt alive, de-starred, shot in the head... Buford *knows* karma because Buford *is* karma.
BEMaven> ...and the Madame was about to go caroling.
mgrasso> oh no. that is too much exposed flank of the old crank whore for me
BEMaven> Eww...and I thought oriental dresses were sexy.
Ironf> Ugly gal goes nutzo
Mellie> All she needs now is a rooftop
mgrasso> or a clock tower
MrBooze> Merry Christmas, baby, I shot a whore tonight.
Mellie> He probably raided her jewlery box for a present for Mrs Pusser.
mgrasso> and helped himself to the free chips at the bar
Mellie> And some beer nuts.
Ironf> These PRETZLES are making me THIRSTY!
BEMaven> ...oh, and she died as she lived...all splotchy.
Ironf> and with getting a shot in the face
BEMaven> Joe's stick must be feeling pretty neglected by now.
MrBooze> The love theme from Walking Tall
MrBooze> It's the traditional after-whore-shoot picnic!
Mellie> So these are the family values politicians harp so much about?
mgrasso> pretty much.
mgrasso> a gun, a dog, a picnic, and a brutal beating
Mellie> And some old-fashioned lip sucking.
Ironf> Oh hey, before I forget
Ironf> Didja get THE WHORES!
Ironf> Joe Don has a wierd Andy Richter vibe going
Mellie> It's the 1978 Car!
mgrasso> it's the heartbeat of america! covered in bacon grease and fried lard!
MrBooze> Nothing says "authoritah" like a tan sedan.
mgrasso> i smell violent denouement
mgrasso> thank you, rednecks, for making us laugh at love.... again
Mellie> Damn! Aim higher, boys!
Ironf> Thank god for all metal body panels
mgrasso> they couldn't hit the broad side of a nova.... they can, however, hit a *broad*
BEMaven> That's for Dukes of Hazzard.
MrBooze> Honey, do you think you can manage one last blow job?
mgrasso> the president's down! the president's been shot!
* Mellie cracks up
mgrasso> you got a heart of gold, mellie
MrBooze> Okay, NOW it's personal. Seriously.
Ironf> We can rebuild him, make him doughier, smellier
mgrasso> we have a quote from mrs. pusser, she says.... "i like mittens!"
MrBooze> Feel free to bring firearms into the hospital anytime, son.
mgrasso> joe don in a full body cast... think about how stank that must be
Mellie> Buford, I must know -- Do you like my new seersucker suit?
BEMaven> i hope they're not burying her next to the Madame.
Mellie> Actually, the Madame took the last plot in the town cemetary. They're going to have to bury her under the goal post in the high school football field.
mgrasso> it's a 70s coke commercial! "i'd like to teach the world to sing..."
MrBooze> "The Blues Brothers....rhythm and blues review..."
Ironf> You will respect my mortuarah
MrBooze> "Why? WHY? Why didn't I do her in the grass that day?"
mgrasso> throwing a handful of mulch is a new tradition. they're hoping it'll take off
MrBooze> It's going to take forever to bury her at this rate.
BEMaven> She's gone to a better place..out of this film.
mgrasso> do you realize the mrs. buford death cycle has taken 15 minutes already?
Ironf> I'm just glad joe Don was able to turn away from the Borg Queen and let all that coolant stuff flow out
Mellie> Weren't there three kids? Or do my glasses just have a smudge?
mgrasso> you're thinking of the dog, mellie
MrBooze> And he dies, Robby Benson-style!
Mellie> Hey, his stick spontaneously re-barked.
BEMaven> He switched sticks.
mgrasso> he's a druid, mellie
Ironf> See the real Joe Don died during the filming and they had to get his wife's chiropractor to take the job
MrBooze> Is he dowsing?
Mellie> Squatting tall.
mgrasso> wow, rednecks come a'runnin' for the great taste of free stuff!
MrBooze> Ah, it's the town mob. Always there to lift up your heart.
Ironf> Ahhh johnny Mathis
BEMaven> Thoughtful. They're having the estate sale.
Mellie> A tender moment with Joe Dob.
Mellie> And Joe Don.
mgrasso> joe dob: the bastard chhild of joe don and joe bob
Ironf> You will respect my bon-firah!
BEMaven> Shouldn't Joe throw himself on the fire out of tradition?
Mellie> Uh-oh... There was a real Buford Pusser!
MrBooze> Director: "So, Buford, how is this stick?"
MrBooze> Buford: No, no, it's got ta be much bigger!
Ironf> Mathis-For the decerning redneck
MrBooze> What they don't show is Joe Don personally shooting every townsperson in the head execution style for tresspassing
BEMaven> They encrypted the credits.
mgrasso> well folks, did we learn anything?
BEMaven> I learned that all Southern hitmen are rock stupid.
MrBooze> I learned that it takes a village to raise an idiot.
Ironf> I learned that you will respect Buford Pusser's AUTHORITAH!
mgrasso> i learned that the following things are illegal: alcohol, whores, and shooting the sheriff's wife.
Ironf> I also learned that Joe don's costume budget was round 12.50.
Mellie> And I've learned that once, long ago, Johnny Mathis was really desperate for money.
mgrasso> remember folks... "hixploitation"
Ironf> I also learned that in the end, all whores get shot in the face.
BEMaven> I learned that in-breeding among film makers really pays.
Ironf> I think Joe Don would hate us like he does the Brains after this one, whadda think?
mgrasso> i hope he was watching.
mgrasso> i'd like to shoot any fictional wives he might have.

MUMBLINGS FROM JOE DON AND OTHERS
"Mercy, mercy look at the motor on THAT!"
"I shore could use 50 dollars till we get back to town."
"Well, son, this just ain't your goddam day."
"I got a chest full of STITCHES!"
"Then he came down with a raging case of that social disease.... BLACK POWER!"
"Hey bozo, don't give me no crap."
"You're a damn fool, Buford!"
"You're out of order, sir! And put on your shirt!"
"And we'll nail his ass to the cross."
"You pay your end Hassie or you get your ass OUT!
"They've got 8 dead people all streched out DEAD...."
"Sit down, smart ass. SIDDOWN!"
"Here comes that big stick."

JOE DON, FASHION PLATE
Ironf> I see a shirt like that almost every day
Ironf> A hat like that, 3 different people a day
mgrasso> he's like john steed.... except he wears calico.
Ironf> Oh you haven't lived till you can see people walking in the local corner market with overalls stained black, but no shirt. It's fun!
Ironf> You will respect my mustard yellow shirt!
mgrasso> ok, so we know joe don owns two shirts.... the ochre and the red
Mellie> Don't forget the blue one, Mike.
Ironf> Urinal cake blue
mgrasso> ti-D-bowl blue
mgrasso> joe don "2000 flushes" baker
mgrasso> i think joe don just might need 2000 flushes each time
Mellie> So that's three shirts. And one pair of pants.
Mellie> shirt count: four.
Ironf> Well it'll be yellow soon enough
mgrasso> i think he can get them cheap at wal-mart, mel
mgrasso> i think his dad's sharing, too
Ironf> Did they invent the "beefy tee" in honor of Joe Don?
mgrasso> very convenient
mgrasso> we're back to ochre.
Ironf> Good old mustard
BEMaven> Shouldn't his body cast be black.
Mellie> Or his pants?
Mellie> Or his shirt?
mgrasso> 6th all-important shirt.
mgrasso> the mourning "sepia" shirt

THE J. DON CATALOG

Yes, it's the casual Joe Don... like a wood sprite leaning up against his favorite oak, an insouciant Joe Don blends into the foliage.	Whether spending time with the family, or cracking skulls with a big stick, Joe Don stays cool in his white button-down ensemble. Just don't wear it after Labor Day, Joe Don!	But eventually, it's time to get to work. When beating rednecks and whores to a bloody pulp, try the powder-blue shirt that we like to call.... "periwinkle."
The fiery soul of the inner Joe Don is expressed here. Is it his shotgun, or his fire-engine red throwover? Only Joe Don knows for sure.	Don't let anyone fool you... ochre is big this fall. This is Joe Don's equivalent of the "power suit," as he confers with colleagues on an important stick-beating.	You've seen this one before... but did you know that the dark brown outfit is also perfect for mourning your dead wife, and retribution on the crackers that put her in the boneyard?