x60 UNCOMMON VALOR (1/8/98)

MOVIE
An "All Star Cast" stars in this special Twilight Zone TRUE STORY about NAM!!! Gene "Good In Everything" Hackman stars as Colonel Cal Rhodes, leader of a rag tag team of guys with beer guts. Working for Ultra Magnus, portrayed by Bobby Stack, the group trains for an hour and a half to the repetitive score "designed" by Jimmy Horner. Their mission is to break into NAM, rescue some POW's (or prisoners of war for all you young folk), and steal back the Matrix from Galvatron. Things look dire when a customs agent confiscates their non-declared fruits and weapons, but these stubborn, or stupid, guys ask a local generic Asian guy in a shiny green suit to get them some guns, which he does. He also manages to supply his many daughters and a couple horses to our "heroes." VD's in hand, they all head into the jungles of NAM to find the buddies they callously left behind. Before starting the real action, the movie makes sure to clear out all the unimportant characters by killing the generic Asian guy along with a couple of his daughters. The real action begins when our team is joined by Snake Eyes, Scarlett, Duke, and Patrick Swayze who help to rescue the POW's. They all escape in a heelocopter and fly back to America where they discover their wives have moved on to other men, society hates NAM VETS, and a draft dodger is president. In my opinion, one of the better Twlight Zone episodes.

UNCOMMON RIFFS FROM THE HEART OF DARKNESS
BryanL> Well, after the ones Stallone and Norris brought back, all that's left for Swayze are the MIA dregs. Real losers.
Merlynn> The mustache is familiar but I can't place the face.
BryanL> That's a very comfortable prison camp. Or is that his house?
andre> Gene Hackman IS Major Dad!
mgrasso> why do we go to the movies? for gene hackman's brillo pad chest hair
andre> Ah, the Thai punk rock explosion.
BryanL> I think your son IS a louse! Ha!
andre> GIVE ME BACK MY SON!
mgrasso> james horner, no relation to jack horner
andre> Meanwhile, in an Oliver Stone film.
BryanL> So, why aren't they setting these people free? Oh, they're not white. Sorry. My mistake.
Ironf> New Thai wives, ready to order.
andre> Nice banana republic getup, gene
andre> When he thinks of satellite photos, he touches himself.
KevinL> I didn't know they let lesbian folk singers fight in Vietnam.
BryanL> I'm telling you, that's a face on Mars!
mgrasso> this reminds me of the gilligan's island when... ah skip it.
Ironf> NAM!!!
BryanL> They're the Dirty Quarter-Dozen.
mgrasso> this movie has a flatterng view of vietnam vets... you'd think they're all modern artists and BMX instructors
andre> You just don't WRITE dialogue like this.
KevinL> My son Phranc is being held prisoner on top of the Statue of Liberty. I need your help.
BryanL> Remo Williams: The Bedwetting Begins
BillDoor> I'm being held prisoner in a chinese laundry.
Ironf> I hear they have started using trancers.
andre> You can't handle the NAM!
BryanL> We got valor, yes we do, we got valor, how bout you?
mgrasso> rico, youngblood, we're goin' to NAM!
BryanL> Stacks and stacks of Stack.
KevinL> Yeah, solve some damn mysteries!
andre> Robert Stack, audioanimatronics at work.
KevinL> Bryan, two words: "Bouncing Betty blows yer balls off!!!"
andre> it's that camp from "Angel's Revenge"
Elroy-L> and i must destroy superman
mgrasso> guns + self-righteousness = a dangerous combo
Ironf> Now lets go get some Thai whores!!
cthulhu> Commando Lumberjacks!
Merlynn> They're chopping down telephone poles.
BryanL> This movie needs Janet Reno and about a ton of tear gas right about now.
mgrasso> i hope he gets bitchslapped in laos
cthulhu> Post Tramatic Stress Disorder is like a storm raging inside you.
cthulhu> I usual wake up cawling my eyeballs out.
BryanL> I wanna be a paintball ranger. I wanna live a life of (simulated) danger.
BillDoor> So what we're supposed to infer from this, is that other than Fred Ward, everyone else in the damn squad is completely incompetent.
THX-1138> In and out in 3 minutes? No problem for a couple of guys
BryanL> Wipeout. The exciting futuristic racing game from Psygnosis. Open your can today.
BillDoor> It's simple rotational physics. When a load of that radius starts to spin. Step back.
dungarees> THat was oddly Bill Murray in Caddy Shack like
andre> Bridge over the River Crap
cthulhu> This is making "Red Zone Cuba" look like the Gulf War.
KevinL> They may have darker skin than before, and be shorter, and have almond-shaped eyes.
THX-1138> And who knows, a couple of em might have gold watches up their asses.
BillDoor> They may speak only cherokee. We don't know why.
BillDoor> They may in fact be women. Just grab them and go.
Ironf> Bucked teeth a possibility.
andre> Dummies are suprisingly cunning advesaries...
dungarees> I heard that Kim Catrall staged a protest against the violence against dummies in this movie
BillDoor> This lacks the power and believability of The Care Bears Movie.
andre> this lacks the sweeping majesty of Operation Dumbo Drop, too
dungarees> Where's Swazye? I wanna see some exfoliational sex up against exposed stone walls
THX-1138> Booze, easing the pain since 1802
BillDoor> A Bangkok jail!?! Weeeee!
cthulhu> Bangkok Jail: Cells of Pleasure.
dungarees> Those dancers are ever so clearly white. You can tell by their arrhythmic affliction
BillDoor> Man, I'll never forget the gripping rifle-adjustment scene.
BryanL> They couldn't afford a whole soundtrack, so they paid Horner for eight bars and just keep looping it.
lando5> Bry...a whole James Horner soundtrack IS eight bars and looping.
BryanL> Ikari Warriors: The Motion Picture
lando5> blowing up empty jeeps...now THAT takes guts!
Q> so, was there a story before all this shooting, or...?
ProfBobo> They're behind the grassy knoll
THX-1138> Cut her head off and carry it with you for good luck.
Q> she's crying because she's so poor she has to wear a pizza hut tablecloth as a headwrap
BryanL> I think I saw Crash Bandicoot running up that river.
BillDoor> Why is the asian guy dressed like the UpperCut button from Punch Out?
Q> uh oh, looks like gramma left the bathtub on again
dungarees> This drainage pipe is ribbed for the sewage's pleasure
lando5> man...what a hallucination...I'd SWEAR I just saw Fred Ward breathing heavily outside my hut...
Q> green giant cans exploding=not as good as bridge exploding
BillDoor> Okay, it's been two hours, and Terry "Hulk" Hogan has yet to make an appearance.
dungarees> He killed Mowgli! The bastard!
BillDoor> The roof, the roof, the roof is on the floor

TAKE ME DOWN TO THE DMZ, WHERE THE GIRLS ARE BROWN AND KINDA PRETTY
"Unfortunatly, I have no sons to offer you."
"It's over, Johnny. It's over!"
"You just opened up a whole can of wipeout!"
"We don't want to be tramping into the jungle smelling like americans."
"Thank you for coming. I knew you would come."
"Damn you! Didn't enough people die in that stupid war?"
"My life is a lie!!!"
"I'm weary of this life of uselessness."

STINGER