x03 Within the Rock (8/16/97)

MOVIE
An unappealing crew of stereotypes somehow get mixed-up with a sweaty monster (who was initially "within" the "rock" of the title). Suprisingly, they die one by one. Features tepid sexual tension and a hairy gnome named "Pog". For extra credit, try to identify the films "Within the Rock" rips off of- I mean, "pays tribute" to. No matter what your background or social standing, it can safely be assumed that YOU WON'T LIKE THIS FILM. There, I said it. And I'll say it again if I have to. STAY AWAY.

A FETID CHUNK OF RANDOM QUOTES
Djenk> When did Captain Kangeroo get promoted to General?
LambertBoys> Still, they're getting some nice french horn sounds out of their DX7...
Browleg> It's neat what some color correction can do.
Merlynn> So,they've just introduced the spunky young female scientest then?
nicklby> so this guy got a job even after letting Sarah Connor escape, huh?
Q> i feel so much better knowing their fate is in the hands of skeeter
LambertBoys> We're not really learning anything except that they got big hunks of metal layin' around.
Tarzana> Increase the rythmic pounding and introduce a very repelling character
skyraider> now is not the time to make real life transformers
Merlynn> Monster-"It was an accident,I swear. We were fighting and it just went off!"
Browleg> Turn down that damned Warrant!
LambertBoys> Gee. Corporate and individual greed releases a vicious monster. What -were- the odds?
Balthasar> We, of course, only brought 8 guys to dig a 70 mile tunnel...
ndMaddog> So Pete Townsend is the foreman?
Jamie> Geez, even the women wear wife-beaters in this movie!
Q> good to see the tobacco industry has gained its lost ground in the future
LambertBoys> Battlescars? Not even Nintendo could market a game with a lame name like "Battlescars".
Tarzana> Battle Scars...B-15, C-6, D8...you sunk my battle ship!!
Merlynn> Place your bets,place your bets,Pog gets it first.
THX-1138> So the only real original thing about this original picture are the original actors.
nicklby> well at this rate we;ll be out of characters in 5 minutes. Good
Browleg> this is starting to look like a really bad *.MAP file...
LambertBoys> Further proof that SFC is living in its own fantasy world where it "creates" direct-to-video movie...
Q2> wow - a conveniently located patch of soft foamy cave rock for him to land on, how nice
Djenk> Anthrax Demo tracks, vol 12
ndMaddog> You'll need a wide angle lens to shoot me.
Balthasar> Let's all walk into the strange cave full of dead bodies, shall we?
Browleg> You've seen it done better a dozen times before, now let the SFC shove a little piece of hell down your throat
nicklby> and they have time for mother in law jokes! what a wacky crew!
Merlynn> Nothing helps move filler like a rock score.

MST HG  M O N S T E R !

WITHIN THE ROCK

"Alien Thing"

Kingdom: Alien Monster

Genus: Rubber Monster

Species: No, more like an Alien/Predator cross breed.

Special Powers: It can look like a rock.

Weakness: Fire extinguishers, pick-axes, and drills.

Notes: This monster is a carrion eater,so it's favorite diet is b-movie actors (it's the smell of their dead careers), the oilier, the better.  Also, high explosives do not harm this creature, so hit it with a pick-axe!

LambertBoys> So, they're on a mission to save humanity, and they brought along the dozen most whiny engineers on the planet. Good move.
skyraider> next thing you know it will be able to leap small mounds of dirt in a single bound
Q> i keep expecting a dalek or a tetrap or something to sneak up behind them
Jamie> Andrew Carnegie's 9xgreat grandson, ladies and gentlemen!
THX-1138> I'm sure if they just talked things over with the creature, thisng might turn out for the better. I mean if the rock hits Earth, no more monster.
Merlynn> To fight the monster,they'll be using one bazooka,2 fire extinguishers,and landscaping equipment.
Balthasar> "Peter, these are lungs". Get the T-Shirt!
nicklby> a planet where apes evolved from Stephen King novels?
Browleg> Suddenly, there was no monster. No "rock". No "within". No "pog". No movie...
LambertBoys> Yeesh. Just give me a boiler room, a pair of sweat pants, a copy of Lightwave For Dummies, and a Hi-8 camera and I'll make the next 12 SFC "Originals".

MOST REVEALING LINES FROM THE FILM
"With a renegade moon this size we MUST divert it from earth!"
"And now, the sweet smell of victory begins to drift toward me..."
"Once again your blue collar worker gets the shaft... that's just the way the world is."
"Give the oxygen cloak time to extend..."
"All by your lonesome? Want some protection? Company?"