x167 TALES OF TERROR (9/03/98)

Produced and Directed by Roger (Try To Name One Genre I Haven't Trashed) Corman

Written by Richard (I Knew Rod Serling And You're No Rod Serling) Matheson

MOVIE
Inspired by the popular Edgar Allen Poe Drinking Game, Roger Corman presents three stories of families in crisis...

Tale One
A home counseling session intended to heal old family wounds gets off to a shaky start. Lenora, the Daughter, arrives 15 years late. Matters are scarcely helped by the fact that Morella, the Mother, has been dead for over a decade and Vincent Price, the Father, is still sloshed from her wake. The Mother, in a conscious abuse of therapeutic role-playing, assumes control of the Daughter's body and attacks the Father. However, a meaningful catharsis is achieved when everyone dies and the mansion is burned to ground.

Tale Two
Peter Lorre plays Mantrasaurus Herringboat, a squat reprobate who shuns rehab and must do community service as the Town Drunk. Vincent Price is Percy Dovetonsils, a fruity wine connoisseur and habitual scofflaw. They match tongues at the opening of a Tudor micro-brewery and share a few memory lapses. Taking Vincent home to meet the missus, Lorre tries to coax them into a plot to takeover the Liquor Control Commission. Mrs. Herringboat, a woman of upstanding breasts, opts to aardvark Vincent while Lorre battles the house cat for territory. Realizing he might as well be talking to a wall, Lorre builds one in his basement, sealing his wife and Vincent behind it. The cat turns him over to the proper authorities. Lorre is hung from a gibbet for failing to post a building permit before burying people alive. Crime Does Not Pay.

Tale Three
The House of Mal De Mer is beseiged by dark humours. The father (Vinnie) is gravely ill. Chances of recovery are slim since his doctor routinely shuns contact with living patients. The daughter, an inebriate who dresses her salads with Madeira, is wracked by symptoms of guilt and withdrawl because Father's deathbed is blocking the liquor cabinet. Bounding into this troubled circle comes Basil Rathbone as the Amazing Carbuncle, a charlatan who promises Vincent incredible savings on his long distance connection to the Hereafter. Entranced into switching services, Vinnie's first attempt to place his soul out-of-zone leaves him on permanent hold. Transfigured into a pillar of Kahlua, he corners Rathbone and snicker-snags on him. No one remembers to burn the mansion to the ground.

CASK PARTY
andre2> That hat is probably illegal.
MrBooze> I guess Mr Burns made his coat out of dalmations when he couldn't get the greyhounds
Ironf> Actually it's Crewella DeVille's half sister
MrBooze> Still, she's got a nice muff.
Ironf> Well it's got spots on it Booze, so.....
andre2> Booze, you'd look lovely in that hat. I demand you go buy one.
MrBooze> Are those leeches on her coat?
BEMaven> This can't be AIP...the set's too frigging big!
MrBooze> Only if you get me the leech-enhanced fur stole.
dungarees> Adrienne Barbeau!
andre2> Vincent really got depressed when he lost his paper airship.
Ironf> Well at least hooch is featured in it early on.
andre2> Vincent is mesmerized by that hat.
dungarees> I know you don't love me, father, but I need to talk to you about these ridiculous empire waist smoking jackets. Can you say "Hip trouble?"
andre2> An oil painting based on a West side story character. How quaint.
Ironf> Actually the painting came with the house and he doesn't know her at all, but you know how Vinny gets when he's smashed
GersonK> aaaand, inaction!
andre2> What this house needs is a screaming skull.
MrBooze> Someone shut the singing nun up!
GersonK> "you understand nothing"... Much like the audience
BEMaven> This B&B got four stars by the AAA.
dungarees> 'She billed her?'
andre2> Can we skip to the next tale of terror now?
GersonK> Booze - it brings a family together.
LaQ> amc presents: who's afraid of virginia woolf - the electra years.
BEMaven> It is Madonna...no one else could be such a lousy actress.
dungarees> She's definitely sporting conical leather pasties under that demure gown
Ironf> and he untied the black lace thing and her head fell off. The End. Next please.
LaQ> well, that explains her airheadedness - that doily around her neck is strangling her.
dungarees> I simply canNOT understand why Victoria's Secret has not picked up on my idea for a Vincent Price line.
LaQ thinks vincent has a chestburster under that fetching black dickey cloth
BEMaven> At last what? I hate it when a corpse decides to be cryptic.
LaQ> she's turning into a chimp?
MrBooze> 'Well, that's over with. Where did I leave that whiskey?'
BEMaven> If only Vince would adjust her timing belt.
dungarees> 'NEEEEEEEEIIIILLLL!'
andre2> 'I wantttt tooo leeeev in ammmerrriicaaaa! Boo!'
Bice> So which Poe story is this supposed to be?
Ironf> Three of them mixed and matched.
Bice> I mean this part
Ironf> so did I.
andre2> The Strange Case of the murders of Charles Dexter Ravenous Fey Call of the Casket of the Fey
LaQ> susan with the boing-boing curls has grown up, and she is pissed off
MrBooze> Huh? What? Why is she taking it out on him? Typical woman.
BEMaven> Actually, this is Poe's bedtime story to his little daughter.
dungarees> so when did Sherman start figuring prominently in this movie?
andre2> That wasn't very good, was it? I want Lorre, dammit.

Ironf> Eddie Allan Poe's Cat's Eye
MrBooze> There once was a man who hated a cat...
MrBooze> Oh what a beautiful MURDER, oh what a wonderful RAT!
andre2> Thank you, Smolken.
LaQ> the tomato spoke to him!
Bice> I wanna see him abuse the monkey. (There's a monkey in the book)
dungarees> Why is she wearing miniblinds?
LaQ> so, for the uninformed: all poe stories involved unappealing old men and airheaded blonde girls. according to this movie, anyway
MrBooze> You've got him now, Peter. Remember, a cat in the hand...
BEMaven> Insert lame pussy joke here.
MrBooze> "I'll tear your hair out?"
Bice> Hmmm, I don't remember a horn section going "wah wah wah" in the book...
LaQ> mave: okay. you heard the one about the cat with the pegleg?
andre2> He did all his stunt drinking, you know.
MrBooze> Yeah, Corman just followed Lorre around for a few days.
BEMaven> His weekend should stay lost.
MrBooze> Look out for the red brick wall! The place is crawling with stand-up comics!
andre2> You tell 'em, Peter. LUSH POWER!
MrBooze> Corman just goosed Vincent.
LaQ> ah, they share their forbidden love by the gentle light of a burning tampon
andre2> When do they go into the heroin-tasting contest?
Ironf> get that pinky out of Vincent!
LaQ wishes heartily for a gunslinger to come ripping in and shoot up the place, reclaiming the set for the western it was obviously stolen from
dungarees is disturbed to note that she has a dress in the same pattern as Vincent's lapels
MrBooze> I never realized Poe spent so much time on drinking contests.
LaQ> why's vincent drinking out of the ashtray?
Ironf> So, who ends up behind the new brick wall?
BEMaven> I'm really, really disturbed that Vince resembles Ernie Kovacs.
dungarees> O'Herringbone? Madame O'Herringbone?
BEMaven> They all get drunk together and brick themselves in.
dungarees> They get into strangulation and brick shoving.
BEMaven> The whirring sound you hear is Poe turning in his grave along the X and Y axis.
MrBooze> Quick! Get off his bed! Burn your clothes! Burn your selves!
Bice> Corman: "I don't *have* to read the damn story. It's about a drunk and a black cat. We'll just show the cat a couple times and focus on the drunk".
Ironf> ~o/ But the fey came back, the very next day. Oh the fey came back, they thought it was a gonner...~o/
BEMaven> What's the deal with that idiot zoom-pan effect?
Ironf> He may be fey, but he got his FREAK ON!
MrBooze> NOBODY cuckolds DRUNKEN MAN!
dungarees> She is actually in a large booze sac tied just under her breasts, isn't she?
andre2> Yeah, it's very strenuous to try and change a man's sexual orientation.
BEMaven> "How long has it been going on?" Usually, half an hour.
dungarees> someone should give the cameraman something for those DTs.
Ironf> Vincent, you get the same money even if you don't ham it up.
Bice> Vincent looks as chipper as only a fey man who's getting some from a drunk's wife can look.
BEMaven> I bet Corman screws up and has Vince bricked up in an outdoor grille.
LaQ> you know, most directors would have gone for the festive, lively, interesting atmosphere of the carnival used in the book. god bless roger corman for having the courage to focus on 2 sluggish, greasy, unappealing drunks instead.
dungarees> "I'll give you three kisses?"
andre2> I need that yell on my answering machine.
MrBooze> 'And that's the last one. Wait...where did I leave my keys? D'OH!'
andre2> he's an industrious drunk.
dungarees> Yeah, but sadly, the union is going to sue his ass and repossess those corpses.
MrBooze> Yeah, the building inspector's going to fine him for not reindorcing those bricks with solid rebar.
BEMaven> second guess...he's building a brick shithouse as a tribute to his wife.
dungarees> So. The cat has Walleye vision. That's gotta make him a mark for vicious feline gangs.
MrBooze> 'Say, Peter, have I ever sang to you about my MEMORIEEEEES?'
LaQ> the camera's woozy from peter's second-hand alcohol
andre2> uh oh. the hat squad.
LaQ> the intuition police!
BEMaven> Coming up...The Telltale Fart.
Ironf> Just don't look behind that newly constructed wall
BEMaven> Someone tell Corman this was a SHORT story.
Balthayzr> So, everyone in that last sketch bought a Buff Bagwell NWO Top Hat?
andre2> This movie is all Price, all the Time

LaQ> mr. vandemar???
Ironf> Mr. vandelay?
andre2> wow, Corman picked up some gels and WENT NUTS
MrBooze> 'Wow, that was amazing. I almost belived I was a fey wine taster walled up in a cellar.'
Balthayzr> So, hypnosis causes uncontrolled eyebrow growth?
LaQ> red coat, pink scarf. did this guy let dr seuss dress him again?
MrBooze> Basil Rathbone really missed his calling as a Dr Who.
MrBooze> People don't say 'I fear' enough any more.
MrBooze> 'I fear I must evacuate my bowels, sir.'
MrBooze> 'I fear I shall need to wash these underthings.'
Balthayzr> I suddenly have a craving for some Johhny Walker Red.
BEMaven> I suddenly have a craving for bricking up Roger Corman.
Balthayzr> Uh, why did they toss the cameraman in the fireplace?
andre2> He was responsible for the freeze frame idea earlier.
MrBooze> Wow, this isn't the least morbid conversation.
dungarees> Vincent had an all ruffles all the time clause in his contract in honor of liberace
MrBooze> Did he bring Tweety?
MrBooze> 'I tought I taw a fey howwow actow.'
Balthayzr> Look, he brought a little TARDIS!
MrBooze> Sadly, they never realized the problem was just that he was slowly being strangled by his shirt.
dungarees> Hand doctor...is that what the kids are calling it these days. Mojo, hand doctor, it all ends in hairy palms and tears.
Balthayzr> Uh, this is not a good time to look at vacation slides...
LaQ bids the master come out of the little tardis, and actually make this movie interesting
Ironf> ~o/ Spinning wheel, round and round. What goes up, must come down... ~o/
MrBooze> 'Slideshow boring...losing...consciousness...'
BEMaven> 'Now, Vincent, you are the king of disco.'
Balthayzr> Big deal, I got a color wheel for my christmas tree, too.
BEMaven> 'If you can hear me, nod once. If you can't hear me, nod twice.'
MrBooze> 'Does my assisting your husband into death please you?'
Balthayzr> The dead snore?
Balthayzr> 'I'm in heaven. Robin Williams just ran by.'
MrBooze> Valdemar, stop speaking into the fan.
LaQ> he's channeling the spirit of a dalek.
andre2> Roger bought a vocoder, and DAMN IT, he's gonna USE IT!
Balthayzr> Someone wanna adjust Vincent's tuning?
BEMaven> 'Exterminate. Exterminate. Exterminate.'
Balthayzr> "Beast till"?
MrBooze> o~/ Please release me, let me goooo. o~/
andre2> "I will release you when I am ready"
Balthayzr> That's what you wanna keep around the house. A friend trapped on the edge of death.
BEMaven> Actually, Carmichael is just a ventriloquist.
Balthayzr> There's a choice, ladies. Vincent, or Basil?
andre2> Vincent at least wouldn't touch you.
MrBooze> Wouldn't he, Andre? Wouldn't he?
BEMaven> A Betty Crocker nightmare.
Balthayzr> 'I'm melting!!!'
BEMaven> So you're dipped in caramel when you die?
LaQ> yummy
MrBooze> See? See? It was based on a book! It really really was!!!
Balthayzr> So, Melting Man was adapted froma Poe story?
andre2> Roger, you've got some explaining to do.
Balthayzr> How much technical assistance does it take to say 'SLEEEEEEEEEEEEP!'
andre2> a lot more than you'd imagine.
BEMaven> The 'technical assistance' meant keeping the actors on the set at gunpoint.

Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
MrBooze> I learned to just not let the cat in.
Ironf> I learned that Corman appearently can't read
BEMaven> I learned not to drink when I stagger.
Balthayzr> Or see the color Red.
andre2> I learned that even though Corman made a few good Poe movies, he couldn't keep it up without viagra.
MrBooze> And, I learned how to taste wine like a screaming queen.

LAST SOUSE ON THE LEFT
"Now you have seen me. Are you content?"
"I cannot give...you know."
"She kept saying over and over...IT WAS THE BABY!"
"I drink my food."
"Could you spare a coin for a moral cripple?"
"A bit heavy for a Margeaux."
"Give you three guesses."
"We're right behind the wall...right behind it."
"Even as I speak, I am physically doomed."
"Can you hear me? It is my voice."

WALK ALONG THIS LINE