x68 TIMELOCK (1/24/98)

MOVIE
Here I sit less than 24 hours after viewing the "movie" Timelock and I still have absolutely no idea what happened. It's not that I forgot or anything. It's just that the movie seemed to have no coherent plot at all. At all! It all starts with Wormy von Worm getting put onto a prison ship where he meets his future boyfriends. After getting to the prison, he wears a blobby guy as a shield as there is the usual revolt that lets all the cons out. Instead of leaving, they search the prison and find Sitting Bull in cryofreeze and they thaw him. I think. He starts to lead them in the takeover of the entire join. Anyway Wormy chums up with the female lead cop person and they hang out together while Wormy continually gets caught and beat. Ohh fun. Eventually we get to find out everything is a dream as the chick wakes up to find Bobby in the shower.

PUNISHABLE OFFENSES
dungarees> Steve Adcock...wishes his name was JJHolmes
cthulhu> What's a Four Star General doing on a prison ship?
Q> why's she wearing a ghostbusters outfit?
ServoT> He's got his issue mike nelson jump suit
dungarees> That thigh holster makes her look hippy...
cthulhu> God, I could see the scanning lines!
Q> this guy has punchdrunk ex-foo'ball hero written all over his beefy mug
cthulhu> Flaps? Check! Fuel? Check! Rum and Coke? Check!
Q> ew - if nicholas cage and pee wee herman had a child: right here, folks. our hero
shred> it seems that his facial hair is in violation of intergalactic law.
shred> convicts...space...I think we've been here before.
Ironf> All I was doing was adjusting my pants in that theater, Honest.
BillBear> Well, if you want me to urinate on the sensitive electronic equipment...okay
shred> Whoever was hairdresser on this film was really overpaid.
Djenk> ANd I just fudged my shorts, over
shred> This is like After Hours 2: The Gay Space Prison Years.
THX-1138> That's actually the directors and producer's coke they're using for the snow.
dungarees> Jennifer Aniston wishes her hair was that layered
Djenk> The ship won't run without Windows 2098?
THX-1138> So those really powerful explosives are on a prison colony because?
shred> misses her with the rocket launcher...twice...yup, the world's best criminals...
bowleg> somewhere, wormy guys sits in his boxers watching an informercial.
Q> space white trash
ServoT> He's in jail for hacking and he doesn't know what a gigabyte is!!
dungarees> Please let him suffocate on a hefty bag.
THX-1138> Too bad the camera and all the other film couldn't fly into the flames
cthulhu> There must have be a sale on PVC pipe at Menards.
Q> nice hairdo on this kid - campbell's soup 'do gone awry
BillBear> Hmmm...let's see...I could deactivate the field that is keeping this entire planet full of violent criminals inside...
dungarees> You hurt my feelings and I need you to validate me!
Ironf> I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.
bowleg> you have nothing to lose but your taste.
BillBear> Um...11 million dollars? Nasa spends that recycling astronaught urine.
shred> why is this movie called Timelock?
ServoT> He's like a super killer and Sgt. Barbie and Nicky Cage just downed him
BillBear> So the plot is basically a series of scenes in which the hero gets captured?
shred> so, they locked him in the combination greenhouse/tanning booth/smoke house?
Q> it's time to end, movie. it was cute and all, but enough is enough
bowleg> Ray Dennis Steckler. On ice.
shred> prediction: if MST3K makes season #10, this will be ep. 1008.
Ironf> How in the world can a guy that wormy be the hero?
shred> Ass. He said Ass. Don't tell anyone at SFC I told you.
bowleg> this is like every ending to every SFC original ever.
Ironf> In any real universe, he would rip wormy a new one in no time.
BillBear> Ah...she studied classical woman fighting. Leaping on a guys back and screaming.
cthulhu> Dear God! I'm joining a monestry after this is over.
ACTION: Q refuses to believe this script was supervized in any way, shape or form
shred> In this case, I think the word "credits" should be replaced by "blaments"
Q> i learned that even at its crappiest, a raimi movie can beat the hell out of a scifi original
cthulhu> I learned to never trust lesbians in packs.
Q> i learned that it's possible to still mst a movie even though you're getting double vision from sleepiness
dungarees> I learned that Q is wrongitty wrong wrong wrong and Darkman was much worse than timelock
Ironf> I learned that even with painkillers, these are some bad movies.
cthulhu> I learned that future prisons carry everything from katanas to small nukes.
shred> I learned that handcuffs and lingerie do not guarantee a good movie after all.
Q> i learned that nicholas cage and pee wee herman should never ever reproduce
bowleg> I learned that if wormy guys have sex it triggers movie-length penal colony from the year 5000 dreams

MUTTERINGS FROM A GANGSTA
"Come on butthole!"
"Don't worry little man, it's better than sex"
"there's something in his tooth, sir"
"This is so bad..."
"They're all dead..._BZEEOW!_
"Ugh, I'm gonna be sick." "This would be the place to do it."
"He couldn't stand it that he was nailed by a machine!"
"Prepaaare to attack!"
"You dig me, dontcha?"
"Prrrr Go Tiger"
"Martin...I know that you are in the building. And I know you can hear me..."
"No, you look through the hole."
"It's not fair unless everybody's got the same pieces"
"Prepare for pain."
"I'm a hell of a crook"
"There...is...a hole...in your head."

BETTER SUITED TITLES
dungarees> Jane Goodall, from the Year 5000
bowleg> Damon Wayans IN Fakey Snow from the Year 5000!
dungarees> Inner ears from the year 5000!
ServoT> have we done "leisure suit of the year 5000?"
dungarees> Honey combs from the Year 5000!
cthulhu> La Feme Nikita from the year 5000.
dungarees> It's your basic prison break from the year 5000 movie