x242 TEENAGE DEVIL DOLLS (4/24/99)

MOVIE
Agitprop auteur Bamlet Lawrence Price produced in "Teenage Devil Dolls" a fine example of 50s scared-straight educational films. "Dolls" is an intricate portrayal of one man's war on some drugs. Of course, back in the 1950's they didn't have as many drugs as we do today. The major pharmaceuticals back in the day were marijuana, various tranqs used in sleeping pills, and good old American heroin. Today we have crack, crank, ice, coke, crystal meth, the list goes on and on. Since there were fewer drugs back then, Price was able to better showcase each one. We follow young Cassandra Leigh into an downward evil drug spiral. Soon she finds herself always seeking that next hit, whoring for money, stealing, lying and all that good stuff that regular people do nowadays just for fun. We get to see her shoot up that junk and get that lovely warm feeling running up her arm and through her entire body. Her eyes glaze over in pure joy. We get to meet people such as Sven Bergman, a fine person of questionable ethnic background, and Jimmy Sanchez, "a mental defect." These are characters that we all know and love. We meet these people everyday and enjoy their company. With such enticing characters showcased in film, and the delicious use of the various drugs lovingly depicted, the viewer is certainly enticed to join this "drug fringe." "Teenage Devil Dolls" is examplary film for druggie recruitment.

MOVIES ARE BAD, MMM-KAY?

Plumm> 'Why don't they toke?!'
GersonK> Overdubbing, it's what's for dinner.
MSTPoopie> Oh God! TEENAGE Devil Dolls! I don't want to see Hugo go through puberty.
Ironf> Larry Price, Vincent's nephew
BEMaven> gramps is toking on a highway flare again.
Ironf> And now, at number one are the letter U and the numeral 2
Ironf> Remember, in the 50's motorcycles = raving drug mongers
GersonK> Mmm, kids, don't ride motorcycles. Motorcyles are bad, mmm-kay?
GersonK> Russel Packard, and his brother Hewlett
Plumm> so, mom was a slut.
Plumm> disembodied narrators have a very strange code of ethics
GersonK> Ben Stein is sooo stoned.
Ironf> It's puff, puff, pass, Nerdy McNerd
THX-1138> Jeepers, creepers, where'd you get those reefers?
Ironf> Don't fuck up the rotation. That shit'll get you killed by some fools.
THX-1138> They just smoke it to help with their eyesight.
Ironf> She became a strung out whore that would sell her body for weed money.
BEMaven> how can you be apart from the group when you riding jumpseat?
THX-1138> She joined the Trenchcoat Mafia.
THX-1138> Johnny was a sad loser who believed in the antiquated thing called love.
BEMaven> she sold the lower parts of her jeans for pot money.
Plumm> actually, they were hemp jeans, so she just smoked them
GersonK> Johnny was going to marry the first girl he laid. and she was gonna treat him like shit.
Ironf> Just Married... to the thai stick.
Plumm> ah, her good 50s doctor was giving her meth.
GersonK> So, like a good husband, he beat her senseless.
BryanL> And now, her depression will be represented by the flute.
Plumm> that's the problem with pot, it doesn't mix well with your 50s-housewife doses of methamphetamines
BryanL> Branson, Missouri: The Violent Years.
THX-1138> Maybe if they didn't sleep in separate beds, his wife would actually come home to him.
Plumm> if this goob can't even keep his woman in reefer, he deserves whatever he gets
BryanL> That was back when you got paid leave to beat the shit out of your wife. Ah, the 50's.
THX-1138> GOOFBALLS! THEY'RE KILLERS!
GersonK> Vitamin C. Gingko Biloba.
THX-1138> He's gonna have to jab a real big needle into her chest, isn't he?
BryanL> Still, I'll bet it'll be easy for him to induce vomiting.
BEMaven> this early pilot for 'Green Acres' needed some fine tuning.
GersonK> That's it. I'm giving up on the hope of dialogue.
BryanL> She's so stoned, she's walking right into the camera.
BryanL> "Stimulants"? What kind of sleeping pill uses stimulants?
BryanL> The Small Time Dope Ring: Next 5/Previous 5/Next/Previous/Random
Plumm> narrator got into the movie somehow and started stalking the starlet!
mgrasso> so, does that mean that officer kline gets to dress up like a woman and hang around the park?
GersonK> Never bring a tuba on a stakeout
BryanL> Kelsey Gammer, ladies and gentlemen.
GersonK> I've got some lovely Bunko Art on my wall. From the Chicago Bunko Colony.
Plumm> dope at a diner?! don't they have ice cream trucks out there?
GersonK> So you mean that ice cream truck that used to come around the college student ghetto at 11 PM _wasn't_ selling ice cream?
BryanL> I'm OD'ing on cop lingo.
THX-1138> And that scene went on to become Stakeout with Emilo Estevez.
Ironf> She's now a whore for the precient.
THX-1138> Since none of the actors talk, I take it they got payed next to nothing.
Ironf> Finally some good 'ole horse usage
BryanL> Margot Kidder!
Ironf> She should have used only dirt and filth.
GersonK> Sven Bergman? A Swedish Jew?
BEMaven> what's next...a pimp called Ren Hoek?
BEMaven> Sven ran a drug cartel called the Yumping Yiminies.
Ironf> I'mm need you to spread your toes, or expose your eyeball
BryanL> This has been a test of the Emergency Heroin System.
THX-1138> She was hopped up on budan.
BryanL> Narcotics Administration? I got my associates degree in that from Sally Struthers!
BryanL> Operation Cleanup managed to anally plunge over 20 suspected drug dealers in just three days.
BEMaven> thank god they finally busted up the Swedish-Latino pipeline.
THX-1138> Liam Neeson is the Darkman as Sven Bergman.
Plumm> ah, that last scene was filmed at the veterans hospital in l.a. i knew this was govt-prop somehow
Ironf> I'm sure the producers got a good piece of government backing for this
GersonK> So, really, this whole film was an elaborate scheme to get Mexican ass crack on the screen?
Plumm> dope on the moon. how'd it get there?
Ironf> This is why we need the giant 12 foot slick metal wall
GersonK> Yeah, sure, put a wall up to prevent some drugs and maids from getting in, but just let the flow of Jenningses, MJ Foxes, Diones, and Morissetes continue unabated
GersonK> But we were able to easily track them by the use of...RADAR!
THX-1138> Did the rubber industry pay for this movie? They seem to be showing lots of shoe soles and tires.
BryanL> Scary thing is, in the 50's, this was the porn.
THX-1138> The back of the truck is reserved for migrant workers.
BryanL> Bob Keesham was caught masturbating to this flick in a Florida movie house.
GersonK> It was the 50's. He wasn't masturbating. Just moaning loudly.
THX-1138> A bent spoon?! Uri Geller was here!
Ironf> WOW someone is getting jiggy on that wineglass
Plumm> they're just over the hill from harlan eillson's they could stop in there. . .
Ironf> He's busy writing Star Trek fanfic.
Ironf> Yay! The body is still warm. Line forms in the back boys.
BEMaven> she died as she lived... with her jeans riding up.
THX-1138> In the end, Cassandra made a bad court witness because no one believed her.
BEMaven> in a moment, the results of that trial....
THX-1138> Great, the movie has footnotes.
BEMaven> Lars Martinez was found guilty of trafficking in Swedes

DOOBIE, DOOBIE, DOO

"Addicts have a strange code of ethics."
"Bounced from the knee of one stepfather to another."
"She had undergone a gradual but drastic change."
"...inadequacies both real and imagined."
"Stimulants of undetermined origin."
"She was blazing a trail right into the East side of town."
"Addicts have one loyalty."
"It was a clean sweep all the way down to the bottom of the barrel."
"The perverted will and the determiation of the addict."
"He was reportedly farmed out to relatives in the neighboring community."
"And his amigo, Jimmy Sanchez, a mental defective."
"Too much dessert, not enough time."

THIS IS YOUR PROPAGANDA ON DRUGS

HG  M O N S T E R !

TEENAGE DEVIL DOLLS

"Dope"

Kingdom - Youth-destroying chemicals.

Genus - Plague upon innocent society.

Species - Heroin and Marijuana -

AKA: Smack, Goofballs, Wacky Weed, Mary Jane, The Stuff.

Special Powers - Causes high-pitched sounds. Can occasionally make victim out of focus and/or frame. Causes occasional spinning, laughing, and crying.

Weakness - Hard-boiled G-Men with spiffy hats and a Joe Friday voice with an impressive vocabluary of five-year-old street lingo.

Notes: All drugs turn ordinary newlyweds into rampaging criminal loonies, with the exception of our friend Nicotine, without which... our capable law enforcement officers would be royally screwed. Good night, and god bless.

Reefer Madness aka Tell Your Children is the 1936 prototype for the scared-straight-off-drugs film. A brother and sister each puff on a few joints, and the next thing you know they're accidentally members of a crime ring accidentally killing people. Everyone dies and/or goes to jail.

Hemp for Victory. During World War II, we were in a great crisis. The Nip war machine had cut off the supply of hemp to the U.S. war machine. To correct the problem, the United States Department of Agriculture this important 14-minute film to persuade patriotic farmers to grow the wacky weed and/or its less potent cousin. Hemp for mooring ships! Hemp for towlines! Hemp for any number of naval uses, both at ship and at sea! Hemp for Industry! Hemp for the Dead! Hemp for . . . VICTORY!

Easy Rider is Peter Fonda and Dennis Hopper's tour de force, an unabashedly pro-drug, pro-America bit of propaganda. As our two protagonists travel across the country in search of the American Dream and a good high, the careful viewer may be able to learn about the mind-expanding benefits of certain "illicit" drugs.

The Partnership for a Drug-Free America is today's number-one source for filmed anti-drug propaganda. From smashed eggs to celebs working off community service, these short films are beamed into the cortex of the average American several times a day. Depicted here is Carroll O'Connor (NOTE: not GK), whose son was killed when he and his cocaine habit got mixed up with the kind of unsavory dealers Prohibition creates. The private funds from this long-running public-private "Partnership" come from tobacco companies, breweries, and large pharmaceutical conglomerates. None of whom, of course, have any interest in keeping marijuana (where some 80% of the action in the War on Some Drugs is) illegal.

ANY QUESTIONS?