x87 SUPERBEAST (2/28/98)

MOVIE
Has the Home Game found its very own Manos? You be the judge. Superbeast reflects very well on that magical land of massage parlors and sorghum slave farms, the Philippines. Don't ask what happens, although it seems that a pre-melanomic scientisty-type woman is going to said Philippines to perform an important fetal pig autopsy. Then there's some sailing, some driving, some canoeing, and more forms of transportation. Oh, and bowling. There's a mad scientist, Filipino breasts, a couple of tortured extras, a great white hunter, and the denouement, the most shameful collapse of a two-hour filmic experiment ever. The random squeals and screeches on the soundtrack only enhance the psychic pain of the "viewing" "audience."

UNLEASH THE BEAST
dungarees> I really have this feeling that the National Geographic Narrator is going to spring up at any moment
nicklby> Music by deVol
BryanL> Alfre Woodard and Torgo, together again.
mgrasso> can we have some more sweat please?
mgrasso> they had a position on the set: "sweat wrangler"'
cthulhu> Welcome to Ferdinand Marcos Memorial Hospital.
mgrasso> filipino cinema has come a long way. i mean, just a few years before this, 80% of all filipino movies were hermaphrodite porn
BryanL> I have a feeling that by the end of Superbeast, we're going to be begging for hermaphrodite porn.
andre> just look at what's going on in this movie. I dare anyone to extract a plot.
dungarees> I just love to watch the top of a man's head while he has a whizz
mgrasso> hot stall love
andre> It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad Fillipino World.
BryanL> Randolph Mantooth! Noooooo!
mgrasso> and stock footage of marcos quelling rebellion is used
BryanL> Meanwhile, in another the same movie...
nicklby> and she walks into the propellers, the end
andre> if coleman francis could afford going on location, the results would go a little something like this...
dungarees> I wish our hospital used these stylish dark teal scrubs
andre> are you getting this?
andre> sound?
andre> SOUND!!!
Jawz> Riveting scene
nicklby> Frank Burns and the Breck Girl
Ironf> Hey baby still have you clitor...og that was last night
andre> Ward Cleaver?
nicklby> Beaver cleaver?
superhonky> eldridge cleaver?
nicklby> Meat cleaver?
superhonky> more tourist shots of a foreign land than any emmanuelle movie!
Ironf> this is one of those oddly involving movies like Manos and ISCTSLABMUZ.
andre> so for those of you playing along at home, right now we're hip-deep in SUPERBEAST. Note the lack of said Superbeast.
dungarees> Is she British Royalty now? Why is she signing autographs?
dungarees> She's kind of like an unattractive untalented Sharon Tate
KevinL> Like Tate after Manson got to her, rees?
BryanL> Mondo Dias. That's Spanish for World of Sweat.
dungarees> It's the Philippines, so the back seat is in the front of the car, you see.
andre> Yes, you'll enjoy the phillipnes in your new station wagon.
mg> mmm. pig fetus!
BryanL> A Five-Assed Fetal Pig.
andre> Santa Dog's a Jesus Fetus!
* Jamie wonders if FGH refs are legal.
dungarees> Bowling!
mg> bowling and a buffet... maybe the filipinos are ahead of us in some ways
BryanL> Meanwhile, Short Round makes time.
BillBear> It's the Filipino version of the kid from Mitchell.
dungarees> Nice daishiki....ah multiculturalism at work!
nicklby> Mako in his movie debyt
KevinL> I hope this comes out on DVD soon.
mg> deliverance... hot 'n' spicy... filipino style
Jamie> Superbeast is gonna squeal like a pig.
THX-1138> IT's good to go to the land of the superbeast without any armed support
mg> god, she walks like every step is an affront to her personal dignity
nicklby> oh, I get it. Col Kurtz saved them
andre> You're lucky to be near me, Dr Chad Smoothchest.
cthulhu> Anyone want to sepculate what the Superbeast is?
mg> the superbeast is all of us... society created the superbeast
THX-1138> The superbeast is a monster that takes the shape of a woman and enjoys tantric sex magick.
Ironf> I am so lusciously happy to have found you in the jungle.
BryanL> It's the Island of Dr. Moron.
super-reest> I think that Dirk Benedikt sued this guy for violation of hair piece copyright
BryanL> This is like Altered States, only without anything happening.
BryanL> That elaborate apparatus is designed to glean more cubes per hour than ever before.
KevinL> It's "Gleam-ing" the Cube, dumb-ass.
nicklby> come on, movie! Do something!
super-reest> You'll do me for only two yams? Do you have the pox, ma'am?
BryanL> Touch my long-tailed Macaque! Touch him! Love him!
super-reest> Hey, what he does with his macaque behind closed doors is none of our business
BillBear> Oh, yeah, Rees? What about the rights of that little macaque?
cthulhu> NO!!!! A SLIDESHOW!!!!
andre> Oh great. SLIDES
BryanL> You know, at this point, I'm actually nostalgic for Kristina, Roddy Piper, and candles being sliced.
nicklby> then she gets on a train and rides into a tunnel while eating a frankfurter
BryanL> So, the theme for the night is "unappealing topless Asian men". Got it.
super-reest> Superbeast gets all the chycks
BillBear> You know, if she had a sobakawa pillow she wouldn't be tossing like that.
andre> ah, it's that scene from "Trainspotting"
Jamie> Is Superbeast having couples counseling or something?
super-reest> I couldn't help noticing your batch in those Dockers. You stuff, don't you?
cthulhu> Where's Ator and the glimmering charm shield?
super-reest> And the body of a venus, but imagine my surprise! Superbeast looks like a laday!
BillBear> Jim Nabors swimming, ladies and gentlemen.
BryanL> We were standing around and talking, and we were thinking, why stand around and talk if we're not beiing filmed? So we came over here to stand around and talk.
super-reest> Mid-facial prognathism can wreak havoc on the adolescent's fragile self-esteem
xenu-cthulhu> He's got Barcley Reversion Syndrome.
* super-reest wonders if Ray shouldn't have thought of Superbeast rather than the Stay Puffed Marshmallow man
xenu-cthulhu> Now he looks like every high school janitor in America.
BryanL> The Most Mindnumbing Game
super-reest> Born Free had more tension than this
BryanL> My last bowel movement had more tension than this.
nicklby> the ep where Gilligan was hunted by Victor Mature was more exciting than this
Jamie> FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LET THE SUPERBEAST MASTURBATE!!
andre> Please make sure you don't give away the exciting twist ending of Superbeast.
Ironf> No one will be allowed to enter or leave the theater during the last 15 mins of Superbeast
Jamie> Get your stinking paws off me, you damn DIRTY SUPERBEAST!!!
cthulhu-beast> It was beauty that killed the SUPERBEAST.
nicklby> he learned too late that Superbeast is a feeling creature
BryanL> Well, at least the climactic scene of the movie also has nothing happening.
andre> ah, a rope bridge. Just what SUPERBEAST needed.
BillBeast> And of course, this is one of those very common spots that has a huge chasm *all the way around it*.
mg> no!
* mg weeps
cthulhu-beast> Ok... What did we learn.
BryanL> I learned I shoulda gone to bed at around 2.
nicklby> I learned to never watch this movie again
mg> i leanred that the philippines offer more than hermaphrodite porn and ortega lookalikes. they also have rope bridges.
cthulhu-beast> I learned that women want to have tantric sex magick with Superbeast.
super-reest> I learned that I can super my beast for only 39 cents
andre> I learned that the Phillipines offers unique vacationing opportunities, a rich meaty culture, sweat, and Dirk Benedict lookalikes.
KevinL> I learned to keep my big mouth shut.
Ironf> I learned that this movie was nothing but 2 hours of wasted time
THX-1138> I learned that if the Superbeast reached OTIII, he could cut rope ladders with his mind

WHEN THE SOUND WAS WORKING, WE COULD HEAR...
"Wow."
"Oh, Bambi Bambi Bambi! You're living in a dream world!"
"Wow."
"She was a prostitute. They never caught her."
"Wow."
"He was a pimp. And a thief. And a hatchet man!"
"Wow."
"Lucky for you I'm here to put you out of your misery."
"Wow."

WATCH OUT, ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER
andre> ok, let's compose a musical based on Superbeast.
mg> o/~ "the phillipines! stinking infested whore-filled dump! the phillipines!" o/~
andre> The phillipines! land of beasts that are super!!!!
super-reest> I don't know how to looooove him. Where's his pee pee does he haaaaave one? I'm confused. And underused.
BillBear> Oh, how do you solve a problem like suPERbeast!
andre> Consider yourself... A superbeast... consider yourself, one of the fillipino family! we've taken to superbeast, quite well...
* andre screams and dies
BryanL> She's a sweet and simple girl, my superbeast, a lovely lava lass it's true....
BillBear> Tomorrow! Tomorrow! I'll mutate...tomorrow!
BryanL> Oh my, I can't believe my ears... I have waited for this moment for years... how can it be.... the superbeast is going to talk to me.....
andre> SUPERBEAST! Now and FOREVER at the Wintergarden theatre!
KevinL> Superbeast lives in the phil-li-pines. Don't care in the least bout the phil-li-pines. I'm omewhere east of the phil-li-pines. Have a big feast in the phil-li-PINES!
cthulhu> I wanna know what love is... I want you to show me.....
BryanL> Kevin wins the musical contest....
andre> now let's move on to the swimsuit competition.

THE JOY OF SWEAT AND BLOOD ON THE SCREEN