x52 LOST TREASURE OF DOS SANTOS (12/28/97)

MOVIE
Lost Treasure of Dos Santos is the ultimate in washed-up TV "superhero" showdowns. An evil syndicate (see Bionic Showdown), headed by Joe Don Baker, undertakes Operation Grand Slam which calls for the destruction of $60 million dollars of gold in hopes of bringing economic chaos to the world. But how? This is where the pure genius comes into play. They decide to look for help in American Ronin magazine and find an ad for the Six Million Dollar Man, now a free-agent. Joe Don purchases the services of Steve Austin by promising to repair his worn down bionic prosthetics. Unfortunately, The League of Justice has discovered Baker's devious plan, but since all the real superheroes are out doing important stuff like sleeping, they send TV's Flash, who in turn elicits the help of Kung Fu's Kwai Chang Caine. In retrospect, Caine was a good choice since his slow motion fighting skills do a good job of off-setting the Flash's speed. Anyway, they recruit a rag-tag team of freaks to aid them in their battle which includes a wormy/nerdy guy. Some "conflict" happens, there's a lot of rock climbing, and they find the gold. But when Baker makes the mistake of asking Austin, "DIDJA GET THE GOLD!!!" Austin gets angry and realizes the error in his ways. In the end, the Bionic Load gets his solid gold bionic limbs, Cain buys himself a hummer so he doesn't have to walk anymore, and the Flash gets a girl, but so does the wormy guy and that cheapens things. Tim Curry and Ernie Hudson show up as rocks and Robocop as a bar of gold while Cathy Lee Crosby of TV's "That's Incredible!" appears to moderate the battle.

THAR BE GOLD IN DARE DEM HOME GAME
BryanL> Ah. Family Channel Western Gothic Medieval Bold.
jess> If it's got "David Carradine" in the credits, you know you're in for pure movie magic.
BryanL> David Carradine. Live at Red Rocks.
bowleg> The Young Juan Valdez Chronicles.
BryanL> Lee "The Bionic Load" Majors
* jess makes Six Million Doll Man eye-noises.
bowleg> Did ancient astronauts leave booze hidden where David Carradine can find it? Read the book.
Jamie> Wow! My 7th grade bio notes!
jess> It's ancient toilet paper!
BryanL> It's the docs to Might and Magic.
mg> oh, it's the designs from being from another planet
BryanL> Not Janine Turner, but an incredible simulation!
jess> Man in a wheelchair, grizzled old fool....this is how the X-Men started, isn't it?
bowleg> A young stephen king works on his 17th novel.
BryanL> Jim Henson's Jeff Goldblum Babies!
jess> When did Dyan Cannon start waiting tables.
Jamie> So, when did Lucas give the go-ahead for The Paunchy Indiana Jones Chronicles?
mg> susan dey *is* kate capshaw in the yuppie indiana jones chronicles
BryanL> Boy, I wish -I- had a rich ethical real estate whiz to bum 10 grand off of whenever I feel like it.
bowleg> Great. I have to sit next to the stinky guy.
jess> Lee Majors IS Indiana Jones In Fall Guy: The Goofy Years.
HasNoName> Imagine what it must have been like to hear this music in it's original form, while he played it in his bathroom.
mg> we rented the humvee, and we're gonna film it, dammit
jess> Wait....Lee Majors...pick-up truck - does this mean we can expect Heather Locklear?
jess> I hope they kill the wormy guy first.
BryanL> Just open the laptop up and keep going, nerdly.
bowleg> unavoidable HG law: every film MUST feature a wormy guy.
bowleg> Rick Moranis IS Bill Gates!
HasNoName> Medical background as away to introduce characters is an underused film technique.
Jamie> Hw many frogs does Lee Majors eat in a day, anyhow?
mg> lost continent's got nothing on this rock climbing
Jamie> Scorpions. Why did have to be crappy fakey scorpions?
mg> cell phone lady = genesis from the real world
Jamie> Lee Majors and Dyan cannon. Once middlng lights, now forever consigned to cable movies.
jess> Is anybody else hoping she has to cut him open and crawl inside him during a blizzard?
bowleg> I wonder why Carradine went for the Torgo look, anyway.
BryanL> Didn't think a group of people getting off together in the desert could be shown on the Family Channel.
jess> Butts and rocks...that's all this film is.
mg> lee majors: spokesman for the hernia council
bowleg> Lee Majors certainly follows in the footsteps of great cinematic loads.
mg> greed = death in any treasure movie
Jamie> The gold was found alive and of normal size, 3000 miles away in Fort Knox.
BryanL> They're gonna learn that the true meaning of the treasure of Dos Santos is to love each other and Jesus. I just know it.
BryanL> This is just like Avalanche, only with rocks instead of snow, and Lee Majors instead of David Hasslehoff.
* Jamie notes that an offical Utah state govt page proudly lists this as a film made in Utah.
mg> the garish death-mask of kathy lee crosby
BryanL> Man. An hour of set up for an hour-long cave-in drama. We never learn, do we.
bowleg> please, no more nerdly butt shots.
Jamie> Carradine's gonna pull some Kung Fu on Load.
Jamie> Some Major Kung Fu, if you will.
bowleg> that is some grade-A shit dialogue.
AndrewP1> Maybe Nerdy's supposed to be comic relief...
bowleg> this movie would work a lot better if a mechanical monkey appeared and informed everyone that they could GET YOUR TICKETS HERE GET YOUR TICKETS HERE.
BryanL> Boy, this is just like the dinner scene from Titanic, only it sucks.
bowleg> Faster Pussycat.. BORE! BORE!
BryanL> So, the plot devices are resolved by a bunch of walking. It figures.
BryanL> They've found... the basement!
Jamie> Pee-Wee Herman's bike is down there!!
mg> there's your freakin' gold!
Jamie> The Conquistadors had a smelting plant with them apparently.
mg> "hey, these have property of the SS stamped on them!
Jamie> And the Interior Department put them all in jail forever. The End.

LOST TREASURES FROM CHINGA TU MADRE
"I have had enough of you for two lifetimes!"
"Life is not some joke, man!"
"My heart is filled with adventure... my mind keeps telling me to be careful."
"Is there any pus coming out of it?"
"Otherwise, I'm just an old fool"
"The next year, I got my foot stepped on by a tractor."

"We hate you Wormy, oh yes we do. We hate you Wormy, and your friends too. You are such a puss, screw you. Oh Wormy we hate you."

CRAPPY TRIVIA: Lee Majors, David Carradine, and Cathy Lee Crosby decided to work for scale because they didn't deserve a penny more and they need all the money they can get to cover gambling debts and rehab bills.