x135 SLIDERS (6/8/98)

MOVIE
Born on Fox, home of such reality based programming as Cops, When Animals Attack, World's Scariest Police Chases, and Damon, bastard child Sliders has found itself adopted by the Sci-Fi Channel. For the billions of you Home Game fans that haven't seen Sliders, here's a brief synopsis of events thus far: The fat kid from Stand By Me creates a fully esterized sucrose molecule in hopes of curing obesity. Unbeknownst to him the product has certain side effects which people crudely refer to as "sliding." To escape the angry mob of over weight people suffering from "anal leakage," the fat kid makes an interdimensional portal formation device out of a cellular phone he stole from Bill and Ted. Activating the device within the Earth's atmosphere causes the fat kid, Pavarotti, some chick, some black guy, and the entire population of Macross City to be transported to alternate Earths. Anyhoo, we join our "heroes" returning to their home world only to discover it's been taken over by the Kromaggs and "The Master Oracle" Larry Ellison who promptly forces our travelers to buy a couple of his network computers and to take up $cientology.

A SLIPPIN' AND A SLIDIN'
THX-1138> Into the interdimensional vagina!
Plumm> a completely and utterly unbelievable tough bitch, but a tough bitch nonetheless.
mgrasso> you know, in an alternate universe, one that you could "slide" to, alucard is one of the best brains
dungarees> We've got to move. We've got to shake our booties.
dungarees> Squat work? Can you do that without some weird two-way colostomy bag?
Djenk> Alarms? Guards? What would a prison need with those?
dungarees> This is like the Playdoh Fuzzy Pumper Barber Shop Reality
Plumm> Rembrandt, we'll rewrite your role so there's less Steppin Fetchit schtick, okay? Just get out of here!
dungarees> Whoa...bad touch would be an understatement
Djenk> Oh god...hallways....they've turned Sliders into a true SCI FI ORIGINAL!!!!! ARRRRGHHH!!!!!
dungarees> Q-ball? The only way that makes sense is if he's sporting a bare scrotum.
* dungarees hopes for multiple railing kills
THX-1138> You've got moxie baby
dungarees> So are checks supposed to make her breasts look larger or like the member of a pit crew?
* MrBooze wonders when Quinn will finally have to face the evil Leaper.
Plumm> Right after he finds the one-armed man and architect David Vincent, Booze.
Djenk> Look into my eyes, listen to my heart, and ingnore the Kromag behind the curtain
MrBooze> I believe they actually spell it "Kromaggs", but yes, they are supposed to be highly-evolved cro-magnons or something.
dungarees> If it is Cro Mags, and if Cro Mags refers to the lumpy faced guys, then it's fairly accurate: a biologcial population of anatomically modern humans who just happen to look like Stubby Kaye
MrBooze> I've got a large blue elephant in my pants!
MrBooze> KroMagg Mind Games! By Marks!
Djenk> His parents are Ice Cream Men?
MrBooze> Space Age Foil Suits!
Plumm> We are sending you to another world, Q-el.
MrBooze> Uh huh. So who was it that attemptd to digest a good script and then crapped out this one?
dungarees> Did they stop these people in a used car lot and ask them to film this scene? They're less compelling than the 'actors' in DeVry commercials.
THX-1138> We just might be able to slide into a dimension where good writers are a dime a dozen.
MrBooze> A planet where Mormons evolved from MEN?
THX-1138> What if you slid into a world where Xenu was lord?
MrBooze> Maggie has to go to assembly to learn about how her body is changing.
dungarees> Bitchin' easter dress, toots
THX-1138> And welcome to God Stuff.
MrBooze> Ladies and gentlemen, JUDAS PRIEST!
monkeyfingers> Today we have martha stewert with us!
dungarees> Because today, we are going to rub naughty bits until the cows come home!
MrBooze> Welcoming music by Mannheim Steamroller
Plumm> Millennium: The Musical.
Plumm> did anyone here catch the writer's credit?
THX-1138> I don't think there is one. This is all ad-libbed.
dungarees> I like Madeline L'Engle's version of this better.
* THX-1138 still doesn't understand where they get their clothes
dungarees> They carry them in her uterus, THX
dungarees> Remember, Women are valuable as Breeders and Public Storage.
MrBooze> We shall bring you up before the high lord Lawrence Ellison!
MrBooze> Quinn should start carrying that timer on a strap or something, at the rate he manages to lose it.
THX-1138> They should stick it in Maggie's uterus.
Plumm> Romy & Michelle's High School Incarceration.
Plumm> Charles Atlas:Silver Age Spider-Man::Bowflex:Cable Age Sliders
THX-1138EB> Who are you? What do you want? Do you have anything worth living for?
monkeyfingers> we shall attack with deadly fumes of...........smoke
MrBooze> One last fondle before oblivion.
Plumm> Arseni-oooooooooooooooooo Hinnnnnn!
THX-1138EB> When do they find out it was God that's been sliding them?
MrBooze> Good grief, they're picking up sliders like fleas.
MrBooze> And, of course, "All kromaggs are evil". But other than that we want to combat prejudice.
dungarees> Did they send him to Mercury without sunscreen on his right shoulder?
Plumm> no thanks, too much foreign water gives me the sliders.
Djenk> And only love pads the film....
dungarees> I sure hope that she ignites the return of pink lip gloss
THX-1138> The people of Titani
MrBooze> UP next on Pedantic Theater
Plumm> http://www.usps.com/stories/spw/welcome.htm

SLIDE OVER TO A EARTH WHERE SHOWS EVOLVED FROM CRAP
"I've got less than 10 minutes before my vortex opens."
"Women are valuable as breeders"
"Be my love monkey"

1234! 1234! FILM FACTS! FILM FACTS! - Ken Steadman died in a dune buggy crash while filming the episode "Desert Storm." His dying wishes were to have the show cancelled to save humanity from the evil that is Charlie O'Connell, Jerry's evil non-twin, and to get a hummer from Kari Wuhrer, who happily complied.