x85 SHAFT IN AFRICA (2/28/98)

MOVIE
Shaft in Africa is one hatefull movie. We never get to see Shaft in a turtleneck, Shaft shoots and beats on a fake Black Samson. Shaft is stripped and put under hot lights only to bury himself in the sand. Little Shaft is discussed in some detail. There are talks of clitorectomies. All in all, this isn't a pleasing movie. Shaft gets his hubcaps boosted and goes home, only to be jumped by the fake Samson. Shaft is knocked out, pantsed, and tested. He passes and is offered lots of money to bust a present day (1973) slave ring of people being abducted in Ethiopia and shipped to Paris on boats to be slaves. Shaft is taught the ways of the Ethiopian in under 2 days and sets out on his challenge. He easily slides into the role and enters the ring. From there it breaks down and no one can tell what went on afterwards. Oh and there was almost no sound that a person could understand. All I know is in the end, Shaft ended up with a woman that still had a clitoris and he got to go home.

SHAFTAPALOOSA
bowleg> Gary Coleman IS The Fugitive
BillBear> With the guy that played Mr Drummond as the US Marshall.
THX-1138> Starting out with the phone call. This IS a Shaft movie
Balthayzr> Why does Shaft only attract femmy white villians?
Ironf> Davey Jones, bad guy
THX-1138> Because femmy white people are attracted to the villain occupation
Ironf> Love that Shaft font
bowleg> Willie Jonah!
bowleg> AHAHAHAHAHHAHAH
BillBear> But still filmed in PANAVISION. Some things at least never change
BillBear> Silliphant. I'm refusing to believe that is not a Dr Seuss character.
THX-1138> Is that guy wearing anal beads around his neck?
Balthayzr> 'Must.......get......turtleneck. Source....of...power!"
THX-1138> The trap door Shaft lies in wait for a passing bug.
BillBear> Good thing he's uncircumcised, or he'd have a devil of a time getting all the sand out.
bowleg> Ah! A black boris karloff!
bowleg> I mean Basil Rathbone.
bowleg> or someone.
BillBear> Slave Jive? It's the newest dance craze from brazil!
Balthayzr> Great. The black Jaws is the chaperone.
Jamie> The Shaft Cycle is based on a millenia-old oral tradition.
Jamie> Actually, I do have to give Shaft credit for covering the female circumsion thing 20 years before the rest of the media.
BillBear> Just take my payment out of the "wear and tear" on your daughter.
Ironf> Shaft don't take no check
Ironf> Shaft just does that so he doesn't hafta talk to honkeys
Balthayzr> Starvin' Marvin Airlines.
BillBear> That's not africa! Where are the woman carrying jugs of water on their heads?
Ironf> Welcome to Ethiopia: Please don't feed the people
BillBear> It's Maxwell Smart's fighting stick.
BillBear> Say, Baby, you still got your clitoris?
Balthayzr> I get people like this next to me on the bus, too
Balthayzr> If this hut is rockin', don't come knockin'!
BillBear> Maybe his giant gold ring is giving away that he isn't some stray native.
BillBear> So, what happens when he fights with his stick and immediately shatters the lens of the camera?
Ironf> Dog's humping him. hahahahahhahaha
Balthayzr> Richard Roundtree is tricked into signing up for the TV series.
BillBear> The bullet actually said "whoooooooooaaaahh!"
Balthayzr> Ya gotta love an old fashioned neck-twist.
BillBear> Shaft's building up quite a collection of passports, isn't he?
Ironf> I need a bad Joe Don movie to wash me of this filth known as Shaft in Africa
Balthayzr> Great. The only people who speak in a normal tone of voice don't speak english.
BillBear> "The african camel groans under the great weight of Shaft"
Balthayzr> Cindy Lou Who, who just loved to screw.
BillBear> So...to summarize this transaction...if I masturbate on your boat and record it, you'll buy me an emerald?
bowleg> 4:44AM. Watching "Shaft in Africa". What a fulfilling life I lead.
Balthayzr> Shaft puts him out with the Sleeper!
Balthayzr> Makes you wonder what kinda garbage plots didn't make their way into SHaft movies.
Balthayzr> Kathie Lee's got another cruise going, I see.
Balthayzr> Geez, Shaft is gonna die of dehydration before this is over.
Jamie> just to make sure, Shaft is on a slave ship in the 1970s?
Balthayzr> I thought it was Ted Turner's wedding.
bowleg> name 2 movies we've watched worse than this.
BillBear> Hercules in New York.
THX-1138EB> Streets of fire
Ironf> Leonard part 6
BillBear> Forest Warrior.
Balthayzr> Principal.
BillBear> Forced Vengeance.
Ironf> x46 MIRACLE IN THE WILDERNESS
bowleg> Shaft in Africa is just maliciously bad, thoroughly dull, unintelligible, you can't hear the dialogue, etc etc
Ironf> It has Kris clearing his nose on screen using only a thumb and lung pressure
BillBear> Shaft sets fire to ancient Rome, then returns to the worm hole.
Ironf> they don't make fire traps like they used to.
Ironf> I like how they don't let the suck-ness build up. They stretch it out with bad commercials.
Ironf> French people piss Shaft off.
bowleg> OK, each of you, in turn, give me your interpretation of the plot as you percieved it.
Jamie> Well, bowleg, I got here late, but I know that Shaft met a lady with a clitorectomy, went to Africa, and screwed her. Now he's getting electrroshock. Anyone else?
BillBear> Emir's son volunteers for stupid mission to bust slave traders and is killed. Emir captures Shaft and forces him onto same stupid mission. Shaft's cover immediately fails him wherever he goes. A dog dies. Shaft is put on a boat, watched the masturbating girl die, then goes to france and looks at a burned up black guy, then yells at Hercule Poirot about slavery.
BillBear> Oh, and Shaft also stops to turn a young woman away from clitorectomies by making sweet love.
Ironf> The first guy killed was a relative of the guy that kidnapped Shaft and then tested him so he could infiltrate the ring of people that kidnapped Ethiopians to ship to France to become slaves.
Balthayzr> Shaft is on a mission to stop forced circumsisions. He also discovers a love for stick fighting.
THX-1138EB> Shaft is hired to find proof of a white slave trade, but he ends up falling in love with one of the bosses (a paraplegic with a fetish for ruber chickens) running the trade, code named: Snapdragon. They run away to Africa and make sweet gay love.
Ironf> I like THX's movie better. Can i switch?
BillBear> I think the soundtrack needs a moving ballad by Celine Dion or Trisha Yearwood.
Ironf> That or a boom mike that works
mgrasso> whoa. the entire jamiacan bobsled team... plus alternates
BillBear> Some of those africans look suspiciously puerto rican.
bowleg> You know, mgrasso, I bet from where you're sitting this doesn't seem like THAT bad of a movie.
Jamie> I learned that I'm going to bed right now because Shaft in Africa killed me.
bowleg> nothing!
bowleg> no learning.
bowleg> stop right here.
THX-1138EB> I learned all I wanted about circumcision
Ironf> I learned Bulkrose is still scared to come in here totally
mgrasso> i learned that i should come into more homegames 10 minurtes before they end
BillBear> I learned that you can discuss clitorectomies on TNT, but can't say "ass".
Balthayzr> I learned Shaft is a FireStarter.
Ironf> I learned there IS a Shaft film that featured no turtleneck wearing.

SHAFTISMS

"Where did you study stick-fighting, Mr Shaft?"
"Mr. (mumble) would be pleased. Also by the fact that you are circumcised."
"My second question... how good are you with the stick?"
"Man named Shaft ain't gonna be bad with a stick."
"Now wait a minute. I'm not James Bond. Simply Sam Spade."
"I want names, baby!"
"I figured it out with the little grey cells...."
Girl: "How big is your phallus, Shaft?"
Shaft: "Say what?"
Girl: "How big is your cock?"
Shaft: "I guess it's shrunk to about 20 inches by now"