x164 SCORPION 1 (08/22/98)

MOVIE
SPEAKMAN!! That's the name that is routinly yelled around Hollywood when a brash young producer has a kung-fu movie that he need helmed by a vetern of the genre. In this, they tried to expand his range by adding in the scifi/space element. They failed. He's ok during the kung-fu fights because that's his element. At all other times, he's outta his element. It's actually quite sad to watch and painful to endure.

I CALL FORTH SPEAKMAN!

BryanL> Jeff Speakman! The Kung Fu Jew! Stop with the kicking!
Ironf> Jeff "Perfect Weapon" Speakman
BryanL> Armageddon tired of this movie already.
BryanL> We have Space Door Foley 3000.
BryanL> We have 3.5" Floppies.
andre2> OF THE FUTURE!
THX-1138> Cold fusion? Does this mean the Saint is gonna show up
BryanL> And I think that was a 14.4 internal modem he was soldering there.
BryanL> Even if the best man for the job is Orville Redenbacher.
BEMaven> You WILL attend Saddam's tailgate party.
Plumm> First Blood, Scorpio One.
BryanL> Are you Speakman to me? You gotta be Speakman to me, I don't see anybody else here.
THX-1138> Any given episode of Soldiers of Fortune
BryanL> Adrian Zmed gives his life for the cause.
THX-1138> Please be the Challenger footage so this movie ends
MrBooze> Any movie with a cast member of "Revenge of the Nerds" has GOT to be great!
Ironf> Whew for a moment I thought it was Parker Stevenson looking for his alien buddy
Plumm> This is the role that set Rebecca Schaefer's stalker off.
BryanL> This is just like Event Horizon, only it sucks less.
Ironf> So far
andre2> I'm just waiting for Hal Holbrook to show up and go into a 3 hour speech.
BryanL> They operate on the same principle as Maglights. In fact, they're maglights with gunstocks glued to them.
BryanL> Here's a hint to prospective filmmakers. If lengthy scenes of guys in spacesuits breathing dragged 2001 down, they're damn well going to drag YOUR movie down too.
ServoT> in case you were wondering, this HASN'T been done before
MrBooze> Oh, no. We've found the stash of inflatable women.
Ironf> Or maybe it's that we are hooking into the com system and the footsteps are coming FROM INSIDE THE SUIT!
ServoT> Kids, always check the helmut seal before playing hide and seek in old refrigerators
Ironf> sour the milk SOUR THE MILK!!
BEMaven> Bet they're sorry they left the Interociter back at Houston.
BryanL> Our friends in the audience would call this "a lame-ass attempt at mixing political thriller and space hallways."
Plumm> Black ops? Like the heart-transplant guy we hear about every February?
MrBooze> Actually, in the future, all space stations are heated by chicken pot pies. When they eventually cool to below 200F, they can be used for rations.
THX-1138> Yes! More pipes and long hallways!
Plumm> So, brother (tm) portable typewriters are valuable spacebank-robbing tools.
Ironf> Why is Henry Rollins on the space mission?
BryanL> You ever think that they built a special building at SFC that's entirely made up of conduits and pipe-laden hallways?
andre2> We've got a cracked Spy vs Spy ripoff on the ship?
Ironf> They bought that public domain sound effects cd and dammit, they plan to use it
Bryan> After this, I think I'll rent "Murder at 1600" so I can enjoy a quality political thriller. Wait...
Bryan> They spent almost 20 bucks on that shuttle establishing that shot, they're gonna use it until the film wears out.
MrBooze> Space station develops secret to cold fusion, senator has space station sabotaged so he could sneak his operatives onto the nasa rescue team. Other secret govt agency puts their own agent (speakman) on the team as well.
Bryan> Now THAT'S the plot they should have used, Booze.
THX-1138> Oh faaaaantastic! Let's plant mines in the hallway of the space station!
Ironf> handsignals, signs of quality
Ironf> HooHaa called visable lasers, but then again, who couldn't have
andre2> SFC Originals: Forgetting to add the quality since time began
THX-1138> Weighted boot to the head
Ironf> Scifi Originals: looking around grogily since conception
Bryan> Nice that they've got a giant Duke Nukem medkit on the desk.
MrBooze> That's exactly the same sound effect Starcraft uses for opening/closing doors.
Plumm> Extinguisher fu
MrBooze> SPEAKMAN! The Rabbinical Roustabout!
MrBooze> Judaic Ju-jitsu!
Ironf> Is he a Kosher Kickboxer?
Bryan> Havanabuttkick
Plumm> Greco-Spacom wrestling.
MrBooze> Now that I think about it, the door sounds are the window maximize/minimize sounds from the "Robots" sound theme that comes with Windows
Ironf> I totally believe that isn't just a smoke machine, fan, and red light filter
THX-1138> We need Ted Striker.
MrBooze> And suddenly he's completely out of the atmosphere before he blows up
Bryan> Yet another two-hour epic that proves just how easy it is to get things produced these days.
MrBooze> Heh. The IMDB entry for Scorpio one has nothing listed except the assistant editor.
Bryan> Well, to be fair, the "M" in IMDB stands for "Movie", and this really isn't a movie per se.

ACTION POWER SPEAK...NOW!

"How long?"
"Power's power".
"We ate rationed mud."
"Can't get in."
"Pump, pump, pump."
"Damned hippy!"
"I forgot. We've got a couple of bombs on board."