X134 SATURN 3 (6/7/98)

MOVIE
Based on Shakespeare's, "Hamlet," Saturn 3 is a tour-de-force of fecal matter. The movie starts with some TIE Fighter pilot getting sliced by the dubbed Harvey Keitel, who's playing a caucassian Benson in charge of a group of thieves who botch a robbery. Keitel takes a Cobra trouble bubble to a remote base sitting in the asteroid fields of Saturn. The base is manned by two "lovers" played by Kirk Douglas and Farrah Fawcett. We discover Farrah is conducting some crazy experiment that involves her transferring her brain power and wrinkles to Kirk. They take some drugs and "git it on." Of course, this being the future there's a lot of hallways, blinking buttons, and a complicated surveillance system which allows the couple to make amateur porn videos that they can sell on Earth to horny kids. Keitel builds some huge robot that goes berserk that rips his face off and wears it as a mask while trying to rape Farrah. "Chicka-wacka" music is provided by the great Elmer "Bolero" Bernstein whose music you might recognize from Robot Monster, Johnny Staccato, McQ, Leonard Part 6, and Canadian Bacon.

BY THIS TIME MY LOINS WERE ACHING FOR PORN
BryanL> It's a flying Infoseek logo!
TroyHXandurson> Saturns 1 and 2 were either lost or destroyed.
BryanL> It's the end of Buckaroo Banzai!
Balthayzr> And now, Blue man Group.
Plumm> Ldies and Gentelmean, .... the Vienna Boys Choir!
Plumm> Dark Helmet's gone nuts!
BryanL> That's what they get for installing a big cheese slicer in their airlock.
crow> and they killed kirk in the first 3 or 4 minutes of the movie
BryanL> That's what Trek 5 should have done.
Plumm> The Imperial Guard went to ITT Tech.
Plumm> I didn't klnow Cinderalla's carriage had vertical launch capability.
BryanL> Also Ripped Off Zarathustra.
Balthayzr> Space, for $19.99.
crow> saturn 3 can be your for only 3 yearly payments of 29.99$
TroyHXandurson> It's the dawning of the age of Aquarious.
Plumm> Kirk is subletting from the rich guy in Soylent Green.
TroyHXandurson> You can stay here on one condition, don't sleep with my daughter.
Balthayzr> Blues! Its a killer!!
MrBooze> Meanwhile in Earth II
TroyHXandurson> So that container is gonna be like the breifcase in Pulp Fiction?
Balthayzr> GIP!!!
TroyHXandurson> Oh my god! She has no nipples!
MrBooze> Man, I got a smudge on my glasses there or something.
Balthayzr> What's with the beeping? They recording phone calls?
TroyHXandurson> Keitel checking out doggy anus is wrong
Balthayzr> Find the blue M&M and win a dream date with farrah!!
crow> the sex toys got really complicated in the future
Balthayzr> It's a cybernetic super-bong.
Balthayzr> Mother brain?
Ironf> and thus Inspector Gadget is born
Balthayzr> Go-Go, Gadget sex toys!!
crow> the procces of making goat cheese is complicated
MrBooze> Wow, Homebrewing has gotten really complicated.
Ironf> Is that a new desiel engine?
TroyHXandurson> The Slam Man looks beter than this robot.
Balthayzr> It's a killer desk lamp!
TroyHXandurson> Hector the Molester.
Plumm> Kietel-Five is alive!
Ironf> Hector's a chunky fella, isn't he?
TroyHXandurson> Moff Tarkin called, he wants his uniform back.
Ironf> He's all porned out
Balthayzr> Nice coincedince for the chess set to have such huge square pieces.
TroyHXandurson> Always bet on black Hector
Balthayzr> Kirk Douglas and his robot pals, were caught in an endless chase...
Balthayzr> Good girl. You can pick a toy out of the prize bin.
Plumm> No, Mr. Kietel, I expect you to take a greenhouse to the groin!
Balthayzr> Look! I played the Skill Crane and won a Harvey keitel!!
Ironf> Tin foil suits...of the FUTURE!
Plumm> The leather's all hot and it hurts and stuff.
Ironf> Hector was the *first* coke machine hookd up to the net
TroyHXandurson> That's what you get when you put a drug dealers brain in a robot
Balthayzr> Daisy........daisy.......give me your answer.......doooooooo......
Ironf> Can he rebuild Hector? make him stronger? Faster? Better?
Ironf> Pimpbot 2000 starts upgrading
Plumm> Hi, I'm Kirk Douglas for Metamucil.
Balthayzr> Kirk's been injecting Viagra directly into an artery.
crow> what's up with the steam or fog ? it seems to be comming out in random ammount of places and yet serving absolutely no purpose
Balthayzr> Space farts. They stay around forever in micro-gravity.
TroyHXandurson> Harvey Keitel IS Professor Plum with the lead pipe IN Clue!
MrBooze> You know, someone should have told all these actors they forgot to eat their mint before they went to bed last night.
Plumm> Johnny Five is lethargic.
MrBooze> This is why candlemaking should be strictly controlled.
TroyHXandurson> Turn it on when I yell Hoochie mama!
Ironf> Hoochie Mama!
Ironf> Hoochie Mama!
Ironf> Hoochie Mama!
MrBooze> Robot's like to secretly dress up as Harvey Keitel. It's sad, really.
MrBooze> "Yes, please visit out Saturn 3 base which is very nice and is also quality."
Ironf> and another Kirk movie ends with the guy blowing up
MrBooze> And why am I watching an insiders view of a snowglobe?
MrBooze> Nina Blackwood?
Ironf> Would you like to buy some crappy 80's cds sir?
Ironf> I learned that I was much more interested in what was on my computer than this piece of 'film'. I've seen better film on teeth.

FLY THAT KEITEL
"You've been listening to our coo-coo"
"Doesn't it disgust you....to be touched by an old man"

TRICKED OUT TRIVIA: The film was started by John Barry, but he was fired and replaced by Stanley Donen because he kept violating the robot.
Saturn 3 was Nominated for the 1981 Razzie Awards (Worst Actor: Kirk Douglas, Worst Actress: Farrah Fawcett, Worst Picture: Stanley Donen).