x54 ROCKY IV (1/1/98)

MOVIE
This tour de force dares to go where no other Rocky film has ever dared to go by appealing to jingoistic gay men. Like all prior Rocky films it has the mandatory gay porn sub-text, but it also adds to the mix a multi-racial "Jungle Fever" love and a comment on man's growing dependence on technology. All this is set on an uber-patriotic backdrop interrupted by montages. Basically, Apollo, Rocky's afro-american Grecian lover, gets killed by the Russian Ivan "The Backlit Dragon" Drago, but not before James Brown prances around and wipes his ass with the American flag. Rocky remembers other films in the form of montages before deciding to seek revenge by fighting Drago in the Motherland. He eventually goes to Russia where he trains by running in the snow and cutting down trees in another montage sequence. Tied into this montage sequence is Drago's montage sequence which reveals his Punch-Out training technology. The big fight day comes, Rocky bleeds, Drago bleeds, they exchange AIDS tainted blood and all is good. In the end, we learn that big sweaty men in shorts are indeed capable of loving their country and that the US is the best damn country in the entire world. Oh, and there's some creepy gay robot.

AN UNRELENTLESS MONTAGE OF RIFFS
mgrasso> oh rock 'em sock 'em robots
bowleg> I pity the fool who uses stock footage.
mgrasso> "i am the atomic powered robot! please give my best wishes to everybody!"
BryanL> It's the Kraftwek 2,000!
bowleg> fake robotics, working hand in hand with Hollywood to bring you a crappy Rocky film.
Baalzamon> AI takes the next step: servitude
AndrewP> It's a very Rocky anniversary...
bowleg> I vill bore him.
* Jamie liked the cold war episode of Six-Million Dallar Man better
Jamie> You know this is the 80s. Even the help has a Walkman.
bowleg> the prototype for "Mike Tyson's Punchout"
Jamie> The harder he hits, the more Skeeball tickets he gets.
bowleg> Burt Young in a hanes t-shirt eating. This is what movies are made for.
THX-1138> This is the type of music you could just lie down and go into a coma to.
mgrasso> dolph is confused by the bright lights
lando5> AHHHH...Tommy Tune choreography!!!!
Baalzamon> suddenly, communism doesn't seem like such a bad idea
BryanL> This was that time in the 80's when they experimented with putting the music videos in the movie.
bowleg> suddenly, Hacksaw Jim Duggan makes his appearance.
Ironf> HOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Ironf> RED corner haha
Jamie> The meat-slappers are working overtime in this one.
mgrasso> "you too can stop the desecration of the dead bodies of innocent animals.. join the aliiance against foley meat-usage"
lando5> and apollo's head flies out into the 15th row...
mgrasso> rocky has a special relationship with apollo's nipple it seems
mgrasso> "yo sal! how come they ain't no brothers on that belt!"
BryanL> So, basically, Apollo's philosophy gets him dead, so Rocky says, "Yeah, I'll go with that".
Jamie1> LET'S GET READY TO FLASHBAAAAAAACK!
mgrasso> rocky IV: 83% new footage
BryanL> Great. A homoerotic flashback music video to the tune of a ripoff of Bon Jovi's "Livin' on a Prayer". That's what I wanted to see.
mgrasso> i wanna see rock and apollo cavort in the surf again
THX-1138> I prefer the montage over the original idea of Rocky delivering a 20 minute monologue while holding Apollo's skull.
bowleg> oh shit! I missed the turnpike exit!
mgrasso> rocky departs his graceful mansion as the robot/sex toy looks on
Jnanite> he looks like he just did an irish spring commercial
lando5> and Delroy Lindo beats Boris Spassky in six straight matches...
BryanL> It's Little House on the Tundra!
BryanL> You're the one... that punched the Russian... so the Cold War continued... so Frank Stallone kept getting work...
bowleg> Meanwhile, Nicolai Volkoff admires the plucky stallion.
lando5> so...how come all of drago's high-tech russian exercise equipment has english readouts?
BryanL> We can make the sequel. We have the technology.
bowleg> Drago has Punchout! technology on his side, never forget it.
BryanL> This movie's a montage of montages.
mgrasso> that time machine only works when drago punches it
bowleg> I miss the robot.
AndrewP> Draco's being developed in a darkroom...
Jamie1> From steps in Philly to mountains in Siberia . . oh, the stirring parallels.
lando5> "Imus brek you?" what does the alterni-Stern have to do with this?
Baalzamon> Superman is going to be pissed when he finds Dolph took his boots
THX-1138> After this movie, every Russian girl wanted to grow up to become Draco.
BryanL> Frank Stallone's take on the Russian national anthem.
lando5> that's a fine sheen of sweat you're wearing there, Dolph...
bowleg> I distincticly heard the phrase "oh salmonella" on that anthem
AndrewP> I heard "nacht borcht"...
BryanL> I heard "Kill your boss... Kill your boss..."
Jamie1> LET'S GET READY TO RUMBLECHEV!
THX-1138> I hear the people on the Rocky newsgroup don't accept Rocky IV as canon.
BryanL> Mouthguard by Richard Kiel Industries.
THX-1138> N...N...N...NWO. New...New...New...World Order.
BryanL> The movie ENDS with a montage!
mgrasso> so you know they're russian, they'll wear those furry hats
lando5> oh, this is great...I could sit and watch Sly get punched in the face all day...
BryanL> Well, I've certainly seen my quota of sweat spraying of of big meaty manbodies.
Baalzamon> look how he's skillfully blocking his punches with his face
Ironf> And Rocky is now 100% retarded.
BryanL> Speech! Speech impediment!
Jamie> I learned that Babylon 5 is coming to TNT.
mgrasso> i learned that foley is an art, not a science.
Baalzamon> I learned that your robot pal is fun to be with
BryanL> I learned that you can never have too many montages, apparently.
bowleg> I learned that montages are an unholy creation that can consume your very soul
bowleg> I learned that communists are big stupid meanies that kill Carl Weathers out of spite
AndrewP> I learned that nature is a better teaching tool than science...
THX-1138> I learned that I'm proud to be an American.
Ironf> I learned Rocky is a not so much a movie, but a bunch of montages strung together.
AndrewP> I learned that Narns are annoying...
THX-1138> I learned that, "I can."
Baalzamon> I learned that J'Kar looks even more frightning without the makeup
mgrasso> i learned that vegas is a terrible place to die
bowleg> I learned that an effective boxing strategy is to simply punch, and then punch more.
Jamie> I learned that Stallone based his assessment of Soviet technology on the CIA's really bad reconnaisance reports.

GAY PORN SUB-TEXT (AKA GPS)
"I see... a lot of people hate me."
"Then how do you explain his freakish strength?"
"Yo! Can you turn your robot down?!"
"You're still on top, Stallion."
"God, I feel born-again"
"I can't get over the size of this russian."
"This is bizzare, Creed is over the hill...."
"It is physically impossible for this little man to win"
"Rocky taking punishment... trying to get inside"