x20 RED DAWN (10/16/97)
MORNING HAS BROKEN...AND
IT'S THEIR FAULT
Directed by John "Whimper" Milius
Written by John "MooOOM" Milius and Kevin "Wrap" Reynolds
Sangre de Pilon
If I were an evil overlord...I certainly wouldn't be looking to take over
a small brat-infested town in Colorado, but nobody asked me. This movie
was kewl when were 10, but it didn't outlast the red paranoia of the
Reagan Era. Could Swayze be the reason? Could it be the deer blood
drinking? Maybe it's Jennifer Grey and her incredible performing sucking
chest wound. Nah, she gets blown up. That's a highlight if I ever saw
one. The real tragedy here is that Lea Thompson lives to make Caroline in
the City. Oh, and the rest of the world outside this town is still
presumably occupied by a tantalizing mix of Cubans and Russkies.
Thus Spaketh Swayzethustra
denby> It was after the prologue. Nothing survived after the... Robot
Holocaust.
Balthasar> Story by Soldier of Fortune
denby> Anytown, USA. I great place for an INVASION USA!
denby> Nice Lego hair, mr Charlie Sheen.
Balthasar> And the school rethinks the wisdom of busing in from
Havana......
denby> Once again, why are russians attacking non-militairy targets like high
schools?
nicklby> the commies want our cars!
dungarees> Even the dodge darts
cthulhu> You know, if I were the leader of a Marxist Totalitarian Country, some
piss-ant town in the rockies would be my LAST target!!!
THX-1138> Better than taking over South Florida slums.
dungarees> I think this is all a horrible misunderstanding of some bad
performance
art
Balthasar> The NRA did not get their product placement's monies worth.
denby> Dad! Waaaah! These evil commies came and shot my teacher and
snagged on me!
dungarees> No new pope has been chosen
denby> Get all the mechanical pencil lead, too!
dungarees> What we need is mormons
denby> Wait! We forgot the bacon bits!
dungarees> THe way his hair flutters in the breeze is ever so dreamy
nicklby> lesseee, one gun ... Cuban army. Yeah, that'll work
THX-1138> I guess it's his way or the dirt road way.
Balthasar> "The invasion has slowed down traffic on I-95....You might want
to find
an alternate route....."
nicklby> you know, Oliver Stone is somewhere going, "I wish I'd thought of this
first ..."
Balthasar> Geez, Rambo or Ahnold would have had those guys stacked like
cordwood by
now.
denby> Hell, even Topo Gigo would have stopped the invasion by now.
Balthasar> Meanwhile, The guy in charge of the wargames discovers the map
is upside
down....
THX-1138> They're using the metric system. They must be commies.
Balthasar> "And get all the Nut Logs from the Stuckies!"
denby> After this invasion blows over I think I'm going to start bouncing
semi-professionally....
Balthasar> Meanwhile, Piggy is selling them out to the Commies...
dungarees> Swazye teaches young actors the art of the manly hug
cthulhu> Oh this is one of those "Mens Movement" get togethers were they
hug and
bang drums and cry.
denby> As long as no sucking is involved, it's OK by Swazye
Balthasar> Warning! Jingoism level is dropping!
cthulhu> Have a nice steaming cup of flukes and parasitic worms!
dungarees> If they get into a salty vs. sweet conversation, I'm outta here
Balthasar> mmmmmmmm.......deer tick soup........
THX-1138> Sorry, clean teeth are not allowed under the new communist
regime.
nicklby> so where's the line for the toilet paper?
dungarees> Oh, you mean they rounded up people arbitrarily designated as
suspicious
and detained them? HOw unamerican
denby> Jeeeeeeed!
dungarees> And one day, you'll be dead, yo yo? (please?)
denby> Harry Dean Stanton IS Frank Zappa.
nicklby> "Remember when I told you to drink that deer's blood? I was kidding."
dungarees> Unfortunately his children are red necks unfamiliar with big
words like avenge
Balthasar> "Tech support.....can you hold for a day?"
denby> Oh great. The usual protagonist-harboring lovable coots.
denby> As long as no one starts sucking jocks or anything, I think I'll be
fine.
dungarees> I, for one, am committed to not sucking jocks
nicklby> Here are my cajones. I don't need them anymore. The wife
emasculated me
THX-1138> This is my special edition director's cut laserdisc of Roadhouse.
Keep it
safe.
denby> I like to keep up trapped in a box for hours. Then I have my way
with them.
It's fun!
Balthasar> Meanwhile, the Poles use the invasion to take back all their
lands.....
nicklby> "In tennis, I always bet on the lesbian"
nicklby> you know what this movie needs? Coleman Francis
dungarees> This movie needs Jack Kevorkian
nicklby> "Cubans in Colorado. How did they get there?"
Balthasar> "Flag on the Rockies..."
Trumpy> that was the worst motel 6 I've ever stayed in!
denby> This is Mr Patrick Swayze. He cannot be seen. Would you please
stand up.
THX-1138> Coors, the official beer of invading communists.
Balthasar> Who has to make potty?
denby> So what this movie is saying, is that in a pinch, wormy whimperers
lead by a
philosophical bouncer can defeat a trained army with superior equipment?
Balthasar> let's see, that's a 20% add on to the To Hit roll for partial
cover.....
Balthasar> You know how many box tops I had to save to get my own army?!
dungarees> Swazye of Arabia
dungarees> Smoked redneck...nothin' tastier
denby> could we just skip to the part where you explain why you don't know
the the
capital of texas?
nicklby> well, I for one am not going to miss Texas
dungarees> Hell, the can have all of the southwest
nicklby> Wow, those vodka farts are deadly
Balthasar> Millions of people are dying and we decide to play football.
dungarees> It's nice they've made the invasion festive with tinsel
denby> He tampered in Swayze's domain.
dungarees> Make a woman of her, that'll shut her up
denby> Wall-to-wall-whimpering. It's whats for dinner.
Balthasar> I'm about to flip this scene over to check for the Hallmark
sign....
dungarees> That is definitely not a stud finder
nicklby> It's ok, we don't need to know what's going on. We're just the
audience
dungarees> Is a turkey baster really appropriate here?
downer> was he suckling the rocket?
denby> Never before has the screen been alive with such passionate small
fruit-eating....
nicklby> they have citrus detectors!
denby> DO YOU HAVE ANY FRUIT TO DECLARE!?!?
downer> it's the 100 yard dash with a dead body competetion.
dungarees> It's an Apocalypse where apes evolve from Swazye
Balthasar> Set disbelief on "Complete Suspend."
Balthasar> The music got tinkly. Something bad must have happened.
dungarees> Don't you fret, Monsiuer Swazyeus, I don't feeel any pain
Balthasar> COUGH! Dying people are supposed to cough!
dungarees> And why is Swazye wearing a condom on his head?
THX-1138> All this to control a few acres in northern USA.
hateswayze> Such tasty payback. Now I guess they have to recapture the REST of
america.
dungarees> Wow...he'll have great quads in death, though
downer> pay attention to the breath coming out of the dead guy.
hateswayze> They just took over a small town? THAT'S IT!?!?!?
nicklby> I learned you never trust Whiny Guy
hateswayze> I learned that it's possible to stop a communist invasion using
only
mealworms and dirt.
dungarees> I learned Never eat bagels with relish lest you get shot in the
chest,
dragged around on a horse and have to end your miseries via grenade
Balthasar> I learned that if you believe in yourself, you will get killed
last.
hateswayze> I learned that cuban communists are good, god-fearing men deep
down.
downer> i've learned that people are peolpe too.
dungarees> I learned not to take over Podunk if I want to rule the world
hateswayze> I learned that Patrick Swayze needs to pay for his crimes against
humanity.
THX-1138> I learned that Soylent Green IS made out of people.
Balthasar> I learned that video game warfare can be applyed to real life.
What this movie lacks in quality, it makes up
in....well...er
dungarees> I was just thinking this was everything Fargo wasn't
Balthasar> That's what this movie needs! A woodchipper!
denby> And some actors....
denby> and a good script....
nicklby> and a good director
dungarees> And smorgasbord
Balthasar> And believability
denby> and a funny-looking guy
dungarees> And an uncircumcised guy
