x90 THE QUICK AND THE DEAD (3/9/98)

MOVIE
Oh yeah baby! It's March Madness in the Old West! They're all coming to play for the national gunfighting championship, baby! Hey, here's that plucky Beaver from Oregon State, Sharon Stone! She's gunnin' for the top spot, but look out! Gene Hackman, the wily veteran with a chip on his shoulder, thinks he can lay her out. Think we'll see these two duke it out in the final round? Hey, ya gotta love #5, Leo DiCaprio, the diaper dandy from Titanic U.! And how 'bout the Demon Deacons' representative in the tourney, Russell Crowe! Lance Henriksen, the wild card from Nevada, doesn't look like he'll last too long with this competition! Coach Raimi has certainly put together a tournament with a capital T! It's awesome baby!

Shoot me.

THE N00KED AND THE 3LIT3, D00DZ
mgrasso> edited down to its rotten core
HasNoName> They'll have 15minutes of extra space at the end and show the edited for TV version of "Evil Dead"
Ironf> Young whores of the ollllldd west
mgrasso> is anyone else just really bored with sharon stone's impression of clint eastwood
jess> I think Clint's prettier.
jess> Hackman's got his own wind machine.
HasNoName> "This is Robb Weller with Movie News. Reprising his Oscar winning role as Western Heavy, Gene Hackman shines in "The Quick And The Dead"."
Ironf> The actual sound of Lances face moving.
mgrasso> hong kong ripoff #2
KevinL> Gee, never seen this sequence on Xena.
mgrasso> lance hendricksen *is* super fly *in* the george hamilton story
Bice> the hell? Did I just see a dog faced man?
BryanL> It's her six-chakram-shooter.
BryanL> His boys? He has five testicles aged 8-12?
jess> Across the empty barroom their eyes met...and nothing happened.
BryanL> He blew a little girl's thumb off in Reno just to watch her cry.
BryanL> And now, the getting out the guns montage.
mgrasso> this is what we like about raimi: batman-cam
Ironf> There must be a camera shot from behind the bullet. There simply must be.
Bice> Is anybody's pulse racing at this point?
BryanL> No! Not Red!
Ironf> Red's dead baby, Red's dead.
HasNoName> The only one who could ever teach me was the gun of a preacher man...
BryanL> Only these people could be surprised at getting shot in a gunfight.
BryanL> Not lance! Noooo!
Ironf> Sad thing is he foresaw this happening last Friday.
HasNoName> Gene Hackman is good being a prick in anything.
jess> I am woman, hear me shoot, in numbers too many to dispute
HasNoName> Don Knotts in "The Frilliest Gunfighter"
jess> She's Sharon Stone - she'll do anything wearing pants. Or a kilt. Or jodphurs.
HasNoName> That's a snub nosed revolver!
jess> Sharon's got a bigger "revolver" than Gene does.
Ironf> That's a snub-nosed hackman
HasNoName> Tonight, on a very special MST-HomeGame, the gang comes under attack from a Nuker.
HasNoName> With special appearance by Bill Gates and Al Gore.
BryanL> He's a Shootist. Like that movie.
KevinL> I'm a shootinister.
BryanL> He's shootesque.
KevinL> He's shootly.
BryanL> So, it's a single elimination bracket? That's not fair. They should use the Swiss system.
BryanL> He came, he spoke briefly, he died. Ernie Hudson, ladies and gents.
BryanL> Meanwhile, back on "Reluctant Preacher Gunfighter Theater..."
jess> Thank you, Mr. Raimi, for stealing from John Ford. Again.
BryanL> Hommage, Jess. Hommage.
jess> You say Hommage, I say Frommage
Bice> Watch out for snakes.
KevinL> Quincy, Medical Examiner of the old west.
Bice> The blind arming the blond.
BryanL> I LOVE MY DEAD GAY INDIAN SON!
KevinL> She looks exactly like Leo DiCaprio, you know that?
BryanL> Suddenly, Antonio Banderas comes into town and kills everyone with his guitar case.
jess> Yay!
Bice> We all win!
BryanL> And he didn't even die saving Kate Winslet.
jess> Gonna cry, baby?
BryanL> Should have thought of that before you got into a gunfight, Kid.
Ironf> And in the end, he is reduced to what he is, a big crying baby
* KevinL wonders if Leo DiCaprio has ever been in a movie where he -didn't- die.
jess> Just like a DiCaprio to bring a whore to a gunfight.
BryanL> How many outfits does she HAVE?
jess> Sharon Stone IS Mrs. Howell in "Hang The Crepe High"
HasNoName> Ms Stone's wardrobes by Ginchiest of Arizona.
BryanL> Sharon Stone's destroying the village in order to save it.
HasNoName> They're blowing up the fake town of Rock Ridge!
andre> Dresdens of the Olllllld West
HasNoName> And sooo it goes!
BryanL> My name is Iniga Montoya. You shot my father. Prepare to act.
Bice> There's your speeding bullet shot.
BryanL> Shit. I was going to do a "hole through him" joke, but I couldn't remember Bill Plympton's name.
KevinL> Of course, if you're paying attention to the long shot before that scene, Gene's shadow is behind and to the left, not directly in front of him.
Ironf> Back and to the left
Ironf> Back and to the left
Bice> That was worth staying up for...
HasNoName> Did we learn anything, aside from to protect against Nuke?
andre> I learned that the ollllld west was chock full of bad perms.

OK, SO RAIMI DIDN'T WRITE THIS ONE
"Hey, do you want some breakfast or a little more of what you had last night?"
"There's nothing on this earth that frightens me right now."
"I'm about the only guy around here who can take him."
"I decide who lives or who dies!"
"If you live to see the dawn it's because I allow it!"
"I wanted to [strange pause] you from the very first time I saw you."
(and thousands of feminist Sharon Stone bon mots deleted)