Produced by: James Dodson, Reonne Haslett
Directed by: James Dodson
Written by: Redge Mahaffey
The movie allegedly occurs in an alternate "Dark Ages" 15th-Century England, according to the imdb, so it only makes perfect sense that Leonardo DaVinci plays a key role. A young boy named Tee is soon bought and kept by David Warner, a medieval squeegee entrepreneur who begs in the streets during the day only to return home to his state-of-the-art s&m basement apartment at night. Warner gets his great wealth from the Delta Knights, a splinter faction of Ordo Templi Georgeum. After David Warner dies, Tee sets off on his own and soon takes up company with a painter named Leonardo. As they look for Archimedes' screw together, David Warner chases them. In order to kill David Warner again. DaVinci invents gunpowder and blows him up. Horrified by the destruction his invention has wrought, Leonardo orders that all copies of Huckleberry Finn in the village be burned. The End.
/\ Warner/ /\ knight
Plumm> movie sign
BryanL> Isn't this the one with a bunch of Renfest types as extras?
Plumm> I think all the extras are played by Bryan Lambert, actually.
Ironf> Odds are even if this is really, really, really bad, it'll still be better than the Conan and Robin Hood series
mgrasso> dennis moore, dennis moore, etc. etc.
BEMaven> I thought the Delta Knights was a sorority.
Ironf> Are you automatically made head bad guy if you have the goofiest hat?
Plumm> Andrew Lloyd Weber's ROAR.
BryanL> That's the rule. Goofy = Evil.
BryanL> David "Slumming" Warner
BryanL> This can't be ancient times. They haven't got shit all over them.
BEMaven> "Anyone got change for an 8 year old?"
walter> Burlap: for all your costuming needs.
mgrasso> ah, comic book store owners of the middle ages
walter> Dolph Lundgren IS Gandalf IN the Sad Community Theatre Production
Plumm> Surely one of you fine gentlemen have some sublimated pedophilia you'd like to work on, wot?
mgrasso> he's holding him at bay with a pool skimmer
walter> I suppose I should unmute the tv now to really enjoy the crisp, witty dialogue.
Bice> So, the town harlots are bidding on slaves? We're off to a flying start.
Plumm> James Dodson? Is this a Focus on the Family Production?
mgrasso> harvey keitel *is* elminster *in* reservoir dogs II: back to the ren faire
mgrasso> this movie has a budget. and that scares me.
BryanL> Budget? All the extras brought their own clothes.
Plumm> Not a budget, so much as a crew who could pillage the easy marks at the latest SCA convention
Bice> All the extras brought their own filth?
BryanL> All their budget went to paying David Warner scale.
Plumm> Are you a horse, or are you Clint Eastwood?
BryanL> I went through the desert on a horse like that once.
BryanL> Oh, David, Macy's called. They want their Santa beard back. And you've gotta pay to have it dry-cleaned.
mgrasso> what do you like to do, old man? oh, i dunno, play chess, screw.
walter> Fagin, the pedophile years.
BEMaven> You never know when Santa will fall off the wagon.
BryanL> For a poor guy, Warner spends a lot of time at Pier One.
Bice> Easily startled by fake beards. Hope this kid isn't the hero.
Plumm> What kind of man are you that removes your beard without flint or Norelco?
walter> day for night falls on the serengetti
BEMaven> Ahh, the Magic Kingdom.
Bice> GBK - gratuitous batch kick
walter> Moustaches of the ollllld european wesssst...
Plumm> John Rhys-Davies as Keenan Wynn in Medieval Preverts!
mgrasso> the touching "unshackling scene."
walter> I usually just molest Arnold and Sam, but tonight I'm making an exception. Take a look at those magazines.
mgrasso> that was "dudley," crapleg.
mgrasso> yes, i *am* a subscriber to diff'rent strokes fanzines.
* Plumm hands walter 30 points for "Diff'rent Strokes" molestation episode ref.
mgrasso> this issue: dixie carter or kathie lee gifford? the better wife for conrad bain?
Plumm> answer: Regis Philbin.
walter> Conrad Baine: Loving Patriarch, or crazed Aryan Nations Psychopath?
mgrasso> as a medievalist, i want to smack this movie. and it's only 15 minutes in.
BEMaven> Lord of the Dunce.
mgrasso> ah yes. these were jolly times. especially bubonic plague and random sectarian slaughters.
walter> Shekels: hours of fun.
BryanL> OK, take the coins out. You can keep your dice in the pouch.
mgrasso> and we have delta knights.
BryanL> Mr. Boeth Jangles, dance.
Plumm> Cave Dwellers guy!
BryanL> Insurrection! The wacky game for goofy peasants!
mgrasso> "thong? the fish is ready."
LordBob> Tracey Takes On . . . War.
walter> I wonder how long it'll be before we hear continues cries of "Cabot! Cabot? Cabot! Cabot. Cabot!!! CAAAABOT!!!!"
mgrasso> by my bare bodkin, this flashback is foul.
BEMaven> Hey, Vultare! I loved "Candide." Planning a sequel?
Plumm> The Green Hornet's sidekick.
Plumm> No, Inspector Clouseau's sidekick.
Plumm> No, wait! O.J.'s sidekick!
mgrasso> reading *is* fundamental.
BryanL> You can read! Reading is fundamental!
* BryanL is perpetually doomed to be half a second behind.
Plumm> Fine, be a young sage. I still say, given thyme, you'd make more as a young Rosemary.
mgrasso> not "master T", "mister T"
BryanL> Not Master T, Mister T. He pitieth the fool.
mgrasso> although you did add the pitieth riff
walter> I think it's time bryan went through with that neurosurgery.
BryanL> Get the fuck out of my head, Grasso, and stop using all the fast neurons.
Plumm> arma virumque cano Trojae qui primus aboris, and all that.
BryanL> I'm gonna put my laundry in the dryer. Stay away from your laundry, Grasso.
mgrasso> no virgil, please.
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walter> Biggles! How's Algy?
Plumm> Biggles went off to comb his hair.
mgrasso> ted raimi?
Plumm> this guy ain't quite as mighty as Joxer, grass
mgrasso> i wouldn't know. i don't watch that seething cauldron of lesbionic innuendo (xena)
walter> he sticks to pure uncut xenu.
Plumm> bry, Kevin gonna show tonight?
BryanL> I guess not, Plumm. I'd suggest that Grasso's filling the Kevin role tonight, but if that were the case, I'd be beating -him- to the riffs.
mgrasso> i've adopted bryan
BryanL> As part of the new "Adopt-A-Bryan" program.
GersonK> Banging the old mortar and pestle. *wink* *wink*
BryanL> Grasso's now my sugar daddy.
walter> the mongoose's dress is made of silverfish.
mgrasso> the jewish moneychanger? perish the thought!
BEMaven> It's the Chicken of Bristol on horseback.
* walter goes off on a mastubatory George Kennedy epiphany
mgrasso> so, the costumes are mid-renaissance, the furniture is louis XIV
BEMaven> It's like Jay Leno writing Ivanhoe.
walter> he needs a napkin to wipe off all that acting dribbling down his chin.
mgrasso> this is like deathstalker without the tits
BryanL> So, half a corset, a leather skirt, and the wings from a giant packet of Always. There's yer medieval outfit right there.
Bice> The foley artist went a little overboard on the creaking knees there.
mgrasso> she's a linebacker for the world league franchise in scotland
BryanL> Music by PDQ Crap.
walter> dear lord. We're only 20 minutes into this.
walter> The Duke of Fey.
Plumm> They all refuse to wear copious amounts of hair oil. They are certainly in league with the devil.
walter> so why the accent hodge-podge?
GersonK> Solitare Pick Up Sticks - this season on ESPN2
mgrasso> ah. pick up stix. the ticket to any apprentice's dreams of magic
Plumm> dirt, kid.
walter> it's a condom.
Plumm> eat some
BEMaven> Just pick your chopsticks and eat, kid.
Ironf> and for those playing at home, everyone except Warner has a GK number of 2. Warner was in Airport 79.
GersonK> Aaah the master's porn store
BryanL> It's the crap-cave!
BEMaven> Hell of a big chamber pot.
mgrasso> is that rush on the soundtrack?
walter> rick wakeman in a coma.
Bice> In other words, Rick Wakeman.
BryanL> We beg because, well, it's just not ENOUGH wealth.
BryanL> Spies like us?
walter> it allows me to be in star trek films with impunity.
BryanL> Oh. They're Jedi.
Plumm> Enlightenment through dope. have a toke, son.
Ironf> And we have a really cool clubhouse
walter> now help me put a towel under the door.
mgrasso> not jedi, but an incredible simulation
BEMaven> "For the Renaissance shall soon be here and we'll all be painting."
BryanL> Life in a Northern Town?
GersonK> The plot is weak in this one
walter> Illuminati! AGHHHHH!
Ironf> Cause at the age of ten, you are already 8 inches
Bice> It's the instruction book for Ultima V!
walter> A Young Man's Introduction to Freemasonry
Plumm> We come from a place that's a land down under, far away from the city.
BEMaven> I thought his coming was five-told at least.
walter> first, lose the 70s gay man handlebar moustache.
mgrasso> necronomicon: the pamphlet.
GersonK> He that will pull the rod from Warner's cheeks is the rightwise King of England
BEMaven> Archimedes...wasn't he a sex therapist?
mgrasso> that is SO gay. nice fakey wall.
BryanL> See? Staples.
Plumm> Let's cram every medivalist/Weekly World News reader's wet dream into the same movie!
GersonK> Oh, screw Archimedes
mgrasso> well, they didn't know how to staple *correctly.*. maybe bill and ted left it there.
BryanL> Please. All Archimedes did was sit around and play with his lever all day.
GersonK> The greatest scientist of all times? Batman?
mgrasso> random screeches? superbeast?
BryanL> Yeah, they'll bring on the Industrial Revolution by finding a bunch of Greek scrolls. Got it.
mgrasso> all throughout history, the Order has been allowed to engage in man-boy love.
Ironf> I thought his name was Travis?
Plumm> You must tell Do about the spaceships, Ti.
BryanL> M. Do Ti?
walter> Mr D'oh!'s Castle?
Plumm> Wow, this movie just got weird.
GersonK> commercial sign
Bice> I think I need a beer to keep up with this one...
BEMaven> I need a grog.
mgrasso> i need mead.
BryanL> I need air conditioning.
walter> fa-phone ringing. back. soon.
BryanL> ::sniff:: it's like old times again.
mgrasso> bry: i was JUST thinking that
Plumm> I call dibs, BTW.
mgrasso> damn you
GersonK> Plumm, stop twirling your mustache
mgrasso> ah well. i guess i'll just continue translating medieval gemological texts
BryanL> I've been working on some Monsters, BTW.
GersonK> movie sign
BEMaven> What's with the names in this movie...they read like a "Variety" headline.
mgrasso> oh my god, he's a girl!
Ironf> We call them poppers
BryanL> They're the magical Roofie Darts of Fintibulan.
Plumm> congrats on the impending Biceling.
mgrasso> staff fighting! he's black samson's distant ancestor|!
mgrasso> way to go, bice! nice virility there!
BEMaven> He's firing a toner cartridge.
GersonK> But I can't see a thing with the blast helmet down
BryanL> Quest of the N.R.A. nights, apparently.
Plumm> aren't we all Samson's spiritual kin, though?
walter> are you going to raise the tot strictly on lumpy gravy?
Bice> Thanks all - and it only took us 8 years of continuous sex to achieve it.
BryanL> They're having a labor-Manageh dispute.
BEMaven> By now, you should be Black Adder.
GersonK> Hey, the kids in Hanson
BryanL> A Moor. Also known as the only black guy at any Renfest.
mgrasso> "i'm sorry, the answer is 'moops.' "
BEMaven> Clayton Moore has a patch over his eye?
Ironf> You always get moor at Menards
Bice> The Wacky Wizard Wamphor.
mgrasso> it's a shopping list! foucault's pendulum
walter> someone get umberto eco on line two.
BryanL> Get yourself a steaming dungeon full of savings at Menards!
Ironf> The wizard Wimpy? Bribe him with a hamburger
BEMaven> What is your name?
Plumm> Lurch passed out at the organ again.
BEMaven> What is your quest?
walter> he who wishes to cross the sea of fate, must answer me these questions twenty-eight.
Ironf> Magi? Do you have any gifts?
BEMaven> What is your favorite color?
Plumm> Richard Kind, GO AWAY!
walter> Captain Lou Albano?
Plumm> It's something I've been working up for the mayor.
BryanL> She's got condom earrings.
Bice> And deflower virgins. No wait, that wasn't part of it.
Plumm> Or to give a slap on the belly with a wet trout?
walter> those shoulderpads must make negotiating doorways difficult.
mgrasso> alchemical montage
Bice> That bad guy does look like a cross between Zappa and the Hawkman from Buck Rogers.
walter> someone call the ZFT and bring up moustache infringement
BryanL> I wonder if their papers are in order?
mgrasso> kevin arnold's dad?
Bice> Now he's a frajita
BEMaven> Sodiummm. o/~
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Plumm> nice, walter
mgrasso> uh, walter? "not bad."
walter> I just thought you all needed to be reminded of VULCAN is all.
mgrasso> abuse of fixed channel!
walter> golly. someone ring up shred.
mgrasso> shred. the name puts fear in my heart.
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Plumm> Old Spice!
mgrasso> geri? sorry about getting fired.
* Geri kicks plumm
walter> How's the unemployment going?
***Plumm sets mode: +o Plumm
Ironf> Are you finally gonna tell us about your hair?
walter> it's a shame about being on the dole and all, but keep going.
walter> I smell abuse coming up.
Bice> That kid's got a real simian look going. He should consider tucking those ears under the turban.
walter> Mind those fixed channels, gentlemen!
BEMaven> "Your father he is."
Plumm> In the morning, I'll show you how the Wedgie Board works.
walter> It's time for your backgammon lesson.
Ironf> I'm sure he'll wedge something in the kid before morning
Bice> He's going to be a train conductor!
* Geri stabs everyone who was talking at the beginning when she came in
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mgrasso> ow. i've been "stabbed."
BEMaven> Godspeed but mortal films just crawl.
walter> there goes a manly little 14 year old boy.
BryanL> Man, how dare we treat people like that badly.
Plumm> I charge you with crimes against equinity!
walter> dirt: for all your brown needs.
Bice> Aargh - sudden commercial sign. And after a fake-out too. Gave me whiplash.
BEMaven> Serf's out.
BryanL> So. What are the odds the Brains will mention anyone's GK number when they get around to this?
Ironf> Ummm nill?
BryanL> Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
Bice> GK number? Wassat?
BryanL> It's like a Bacon number, only with fat pork instead of Bacon.
* GersonK wonders what his GK number is.
walter> GK Number! how can you guys invent GK jargon without my approval? I need everything in writing.
Bice> Kevin Fat Pork. I saw him in Porky's, I think.
mgrasso> don't merchandise that idea. GK's hoary hand will reach down from the holy GK complex and smite thee
walter> PIRATE SITE! PIRATE SITE!
* GersonK always considered linking two actors without using KB "Kosher Baconization"
Ironf> Gk's head explodes
GersonK> movie sign
Bice> Oh, oh, I think I've got it! Herpes!
BryanL> There's a casting choice. Let's get us the mutant offspring of Ted Raimi and Jerry Lewis.
BEMaven> I miss the quiet dignity of Billy Crystal's wizard.
walter> was that comic relief?
Bice> Nice boob statues in the foreground there.
Plumm> For God's sake, I got lost in the Special Olympics 50-yard-dash!
Ironf> Mama Cass
mgrasso> janeway after she loses her job on voyager.
BryanL> I didn't realize there were Divines in the Middle Ages.
mgrasso> secret agent super urchin
walter> Ah, the traditional voiceover.
walter> Bring out your alive.
mgrasso> huh. how gaily bedecked he is.
walter> I'm expecting simon jones to pop out at any second.
mgrasso> the mound from "legion of ants killer fire"
Ironf> What is up with those giant papier-mache igloos?
mgrasso> oh. dragon dice.
Bice> They're playing dungeons and dragons.
BryanL> Got him right in the leather vest with his tiny dart.
Ironf> Oy! me skullcap!
Plumm> The Pushcart Wars 2: Merry Olde Englande!
mgrasso> lou diamond phillips has been imprisoned!
mgrasso> stifling non-action
BryanL> I came for you, all right? I learned it by watching YOU!
BEMaven> Aren't you a little short to be a stormtrooper?
walter> wassup? Grasso, how "olden and historic" is the expression "wassup"? speaking as a fradulent scholar, that is.
GersonK> Hey, isn't he all the kids from Home Improvement?
mgrasso> wassup? i think any knight that was "down" would've used it.
BryanL> Wassup is an early corruption of "wassail".
mgrasso> besides, you know the sicilians are descended from.. well, you know.
BEMaven> so, dragging in the dirt whitens your hair?
BryanL> First coined by Sir Martin of Lawrence of Arabia.
mgrasso> refer you to professor hopper in "true romance"
Ironf> Groin kick, 2, 3, 4
BryanL> No, dragging in the dirt finds the places we got hurt.
Bice> OK, this movie has fufilled it's quota of batch kicks now.
BEMaven> "no point-ed sticks."
mgrasso> was he just shot?
walter> Aye aye. I'm going to take a refresher course on pantomimes first, though.
mgrasso> guns? no, no
GersonK> run away! run away!
Ironf> They're magic boom sticks
Plumm> So, medieval gunplay.
mgrasso> shop smart, kids
walter> Quick, onto the same set shot from a different angle slightly redressed!
Plumm> The cameraman's hit the mead again
Ironf> clip, clop, clip, clop, BANG, clip, clop, clip, clop
Bice> Who's talking?
BryanL> It's Beggarman! His beggar sense is tingling!
walter> Ah! the batposse! WASSUP!!!
Plumm> bread and butter.
GersonK> This is not the boy you're looking for.
Ironf> WOW! His whole group has goofy hats.
BryanL> Now, THAT'S original. A young hero's old mentor killed halfway through the movie by a black-armored guy in a big hat.
mgrasso> so, we've got italians and vikings mixing in one fictitious society
walter> Bryan, what are you implying?
BEMaven> "I don't want to go on the cart."
mgrasso> god = force
walter> tights and overacting week.
BEMaven> He died as he lived...getting shafted.
BryanL> And he fades away, leaving nothing but a hank of $1.99 clearance broadcloth from Jo-Ann's.
mgrasso> i prefer to call it "medievalists with aneurysms week"
Bice> How late does this movie go?
walter> until sunday afternoon.
GersonK> His odor has become more powerful than we could possibly imagine
BryanL> Lord of the Caffeine!
BEMaven> It will be over by the Renaissance.
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walter> I feel a slight disturbance, as if a million mincing harlequins cried out, and were suddenly silenced...
Ironf> This first movie covers till the invention of the H-Bomb I think
BryanL> Bah. He's off to continue his non-stop sex.
Ironf> Medieval Cleavage
BryanL> Mmmmm. John-Rhys Davies being carted around the set on a big pulley system. That's golden.
BEMaven> she's drained by all that short pacing.
walter> and clipped, pompous emoting.
GersonK> Meanwhile, at the Waffle Hausen
mgrasso> feather boas and paps. the life of a medievalist
BryanL> Heavy Gods. The new novel from Terry Brooks.
walter> Baldrick! HAVE YOU BEEN EATING DUNG AGAIN!?!?
Ironf> Ancient Sewers
BEMaven> He shut down the tractor beam.
mgrasso> what does the "s" stand for? "sod off." well, none of my business really.
BryanL> The HILLS are alive...
BryanL> The STATE PARK is alive...
Ironf> with the sound of mucas
walter> the PRODUCER'S BACKYARD is alive...
BEMaven> "Sir Tee bravely ran and fled..." o/~
walter> Russ Meyer's Quest for the Holy Grail!
mgrasso> uma nicole thurman kidman?
Ironf> Weren't you in Titanic?
BryanL> So, his old man dies, so he goes down to the basement, grabs all the dough, and blows it on whores? FINALLY some realism!
mgrasso> well, it's hardly a polaroid.
Ironf> Soul stealing. yep that's classic
GersonK> And hardly worth stealing
mgrasso> leonardo? the turtle?
walter> you can get 12 gilders for a good soul on the black market.
BryanL> Where'd you ditch the other three tur... dammit, Grasso.
walter> stop infernoing in here.
* mgrasso screams at crone-whore
walter> Cronewhore needs her own spinoff series.
BryanL> Stop screaming at your crone-whore, Grasso, and get back to riffing on this movie.
Plumm> So, the herochild has been slowly poisoned with medieval estrogen throughout the course of the film, is that it?
mgrasso> coke whore, crack whore, crone whore.
mgrasso> and on the bed... was a HOOK
mgrasso> and a pelt
walter> Cronewhore is today's secret word.
walter> have you a SAG card?
Ironf> Have you a whore?
Plumm> My feyness for a horse!
GersonK> That's their answer for everything, arrest people as spies
BryanL> Boy, it's too bad David Warner's character died. I miss him.
GersonK> Bry - maybe he'll be back?
BEMaven> after the whorehouse, those horses look good to them?
Ironf> Ahhhh fey hero music
mgrasso> break out your casio sequencer, it's medieval music ahoy!
BryanL> Um, why exactly did his little ponce-jump deserve the "triumphant" setting on the DX-100?
BEMaven> There's more gore in a Muppet movie.
BryanL> Three! Two! One! Contact!
Plumm> No, I'm a Gamma Squire, brilliance.
mgrasso> yes, befouled history once more. leonardo ladies and gents
Plumm> Mount this horse with me.
mgrasso> that's how the templars used to ride... two to a horse
mgrasso> and we all know what *they* were like
BryanL> He tucked the slave market under his shirt.
Plumm> Medieval welding... oh.
BEMaven> Turn around in the saddle? what have you in mind?
BryanL> So, would you say, perhaps, that you have a bad feeling about it?
BryanL> Still, it's nice to see that George Lucas remains a powerful "influence" on the direct to video film industry.
Ironf> and Bry, in the war, there are two guys just alike. Clones even. See, Clone War and all.
Ironf> I doubt the ID4 team could have done a better 'homage'
* mgrasso sniffs the homage
BryanL> Qui a coupe le homage?
GersonK> oh Huzzah already
mgrasso> damn you! SPOILER SPACE!
BEMaven> I know he's dead and all...but couldn't they liven things up by dragging the old geezer again?
mgrasso> and don't use "bloungie" without my permission!
BryanL> Hey, is it just me, or was that horse totally not white in the last scene?
mgrasso> this is where they find out the wench is a man... the crying game gets medieval on your ass
Plumm> Andy Griffith in No Time For Breasts.
mgrasso> princess leia?
BryanL> They've got a dark-haired scoundrel bickering with the princess!
Plumm> Andy Griffith in No Time For Breasts.
mgrasso> yep. it's official. it's a ripoff.
mgrasso> now, castle = death star
BEMaven> When does she kiss a Wookie?
mgrasso> i just wish we had a couple of wisecracking golems
Plumm> Do you think a wench like her and a guy like me... ?
BryanL> Man, she's hot. My red five is standing by, ifyaknowwhatImean.
GersonK> Hah Bry, I've got a red six
BryanL> Oh, thank you all for those images. Someone call Jonah.
GersonK> No wait, I got a gold leader
Jonah> My red 13.5 is standin by.
Jonah> Red Eight when soft.
BryanL> "I'd just as soon kiss David Warner." "I can arrange that!"
mgrasso> i just don't like the fact that the han solo equivalent is the actual historical leonardo. i've haven't been so offended since rhys-dvies played him on voyager.
Plumm> Wait, this guy is supposed to be DaVinci?
BryanL> Oh, wait. Leonardo... Da Vinci? He's supposed to be friggin' Da friggin' Vinci?
Ironf> can we turn the foley down a bit?
mgrasso> yes guys, where have you been?
BryanL> That's it. Kill this movie.
mgrasso> "i come from a small town named vinci"
Plumm> uh, not caring about this turdburger at all is where we've been, grasso.
* walter wanders back into "movie"
mgrasso> fair enough.
BryanL> Pretty soon, Da Vinci will invent the bicycle, and they can have biker scouts.
Plumm> With gun mounts, Bry
BEMaven> Are we ever going to see the Deep Magic?
BryanL> Well, we can't expect him to go a whole two hours after his long absence.
mgrasso> you're calling him a load? he's doing his first game in months!
walter> much as this movie engrosses me, msg-flavored foods need my help.
mgrasso> oh, wait, he is a load.
Ironf> No, sir. You lost your pride around the time you starred in the TMNT movie
Ironf> A six letter word for an airplane operator: George
BryanL> They're Ewoks.
Plumm> Are those like Ekocs?
mgrasso> they're a model of the death star on his desk!!!
mgrasso> "one more thing: you are an idiot."
Ironf> That's a rather large bong he had on the desk.
BryanL> Quick! Make the horse float! they'll think it's a god!
BEMaven> Arboria from "Flash Gordon".
mgrasso> flash...... AAAAAAaaaaaaa
Ironf> Robin Hood: The Ride
mgrasso> they bought it at pier one
Plumm> Hank, the angry medieval dwarf
BryanL> Yeah. It's so dark. If it were any darker, I'd be unable to see the sun.
mgrasso> leonardo invented helium, apparently
BEMaven> Ape city from "Battle Of The Planet Of The Apes."
Plumm> oh, BTW, I read that the Apes Cycle will be hitting AMC in September.
mgrasso> the age-old apes cycle
BryanL> Leia: Warrior Princess.
Ironf> Grasso, were there really this many chef boyardee hats around back then?
mgrasso> yes. boyardee was the last of a great Order of medieval chefs
mgrasso> i hope to see someone wearing a digital watch or perhaps using a covered stagecoach
BEMaven> We'd also love to see you get hammered again, Leonardo
BryanL> It's Byron!
Plumm> Oh, well, kill him, then.
GersonK> so, is Fennel the Seasoning Princess Hanson's sister?
Plumm> Everyone gather 'round, 3PO's telling stories!
BryanL> Let's all have a quick, viscerally satisfying round of kicking this movie right in the nuts.
BEMaven> What's going on? Someone has to know.
Plumm> Leonardo and the fey boy are invading the Ewoks in order to find Atlantis or something, Maven.
mgrasso> "invading the ewoks." people have such cute names for sex.
BryanL> What's that bridge over, anyway?
mgrasso> troubled peasants, bry.
BryanL> One bridge, eight angles.
Plumm> It's a bridge over troubled acting.
BEMaven> "Damn circus midgets."
BryanL> Anyone else find that guy yelling "I'm coming!" really disturbing?
Ironf> My fey ankle!
* mgrasso kills movie
BEMaven> Well, her upper half was always a princess.
mgrasso> ah yes, the ewok feast
BryanL> Her name is Princess, and she is funky.
Ironf> For her brother, he leers an awful lot
Plumm> Laura San Giacomo IS Princess Leia!
Plumm> The Best Little Whorehouse in ... where is this supposed to be, anyway?
mgrasso> they're going to raid warehouse 23
Ironf> Wor weapons so they can blow s*** up
Plumm> commercial sign
Ironf> Wor = For
BryanL> Wor! Good god, y'all!
Plumm> What is it good far?!
Plumm> Obsalutely Nathing!
BryanL> Soy it Ogoin!
Plumm> Whot is it gaad far?
Plumm> etc etc etc!
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, the mixed up vowels "War" sketch. Tip your waitrons.
* mgrasso gobbles propecia
BryanL> We could be on Kwik Witz, Plumm.
Ironf> Bry, you see the Cheese Sketch with star wars toys?
BryanL> Yeah! That fuckin' cracked me up.
Plumm> Kwuk Wutz?
Plumm> movie sign
BryanL> A man, a plan, David Warner... Panama!
BryanL> His forple blade when fnicker fnack! Fnord.
BEMaven> Did you bring...the shrubbery?
BryanL> Will someone please stop that man from saying "Dragon!"
Ironf> Does this smell like a dragon? *rippp*
mgrasso> thank you terrence.
Plumm> Drag on. Drag on. This movie don't mean nothing, it don't mean nothing, and we can't understand. Drag on.
BEMaven> The dragon sketch...thank you very much.
* mgrasso is bewildered by "host segments"
Plumm> Well, grasso, the host is a segmented creature, such that when you cut it in half, it can regenerate.
BryanL> I believe there are six host segments per host round.
walter> Cave Dwelling at last.
BryanL> This is no time to go ice fishing.
mgrasso> a big gaping hole. *that's* what this movie is.
walter> Fear is the mindkiller, dontchaknow.
* Ironf imagines Walter's Mexican wrestler movie to be a bit better than this.
walter> well, maybe if you squint your eyes a lot it would be.
mgrasso> ah. roman porn. on the wall.
walter> Man can fly? Man, you are so high.
BryanL> You will believe a man can fly.
Plumm> So, Leo *discovers* the helicopter.
mgrasso> leo's got the gravity bong everyone! wooohooo!
Ironf> An even bigger bong
mgrasso> this movie is just bongs and star wars.
mgrasso> much like any college in america, really.
Ironf> It allows us to go to the 8th dimension
BEMaven> "Atlantis, The Lost Continent"...who says producers don't know how to pillage?
Plumm> commercial sign
Plumm> You go swimming in gravity bongs, don't you, grasso?
walter> Grasso wakes and injects every day. Wooohooo
mgrasso> actually, making pasta in bongwater is really quit ebreathtaking
walter> so has anyone broken down and consumed the blazing new "Rodeo Burger"? Feeling cheated?
* BryanL finds the idea of onion rings as a burger topping borderline obscene.
mgrasso> and the BK onion rings are like these identical discs of batter. they simply *suggest* onion.
BryanL> I heard that the CSPI said that one Rodeo Burger had the same amount of fat as four thousand Hollywood liposuctions.
walter> BK onion rings don't leave me with a strong oniony impression.
mgrasso> why was jerry o'connell dressed as "bob" dobbs in last week's sliders?
Plumm> that was the other o'connell, grass
walter> because he wanted to make up for being left behind during X-day
mgrasso> and why do i even watch the promos?
Plumm> they slid to a world where the govt had everyone high.
mgrasso> ah, thank you plumm.... [bong hit]
Plumm> he appropriated the dobbs pipe after he was sufficiently drughappy/content.
* walter packs maryjewwana into his ears
mgrasso> why does everyone think i'm a stoner, anyway?
walter> you get higher that way. Known, proven, scientific fact.
Ironf> cause you are
mgrasso> go drink your moonshine there ironf
* Plumm throws stones at grasso.
walter> Because of the goatee, obviously. Damn beatniks.
Plumm> movie sign
BryanL> And now they're gonna open the arc of the covenant.
mgrasso> this is like the end of beastmaster III, except without the giant koopa
BEMaven> The Amazing Rando meets Eastman.
BryanL> They snuck out while Warner was playing with his balls.
BEMaven> By the Power of Numbskull!
mgrasso> ah yes. we have splay sign.
Ironf> It's was all Patty Duke's father's fault
Plumm> Schallert is EVERYWHERE!! EVERYWHERE!!!
BryanL> Meanwhile, on Brisco County, Jr.
mgrasso> or wild wild west, your choice
Plumm> Too bad they locked Rube Goldberg up for usury after he invented this thing. No one else knows how to use it.
mgrasso> usury.... *snortle*
Plumm> cause Goldberg is a Jewish name, see, and it's medieval and stuff.
BEMaven> He tampered in Rube's Domain.
mgrasso> she's good with a blaster, kid.
walter> you smell like old men's semen.
Plumm> Why is every goddam sword and sorcery movie a goddam half-assed Luddite tract??!!!
walter> NeoLuddites of the olllllllllld westeast.
walter> the Delta stands for heavy drinking.
BryanL> Delta stands for CHANGE. Which you just blew any chance for, kiddo.
Ironf> We love to make crap movies, and it shows
BryanL> What were the odds the "rights issues" surrounding this turdburger had more to do with SFC trying desperately to save face than actual "rights issues"?
Plumm> And our hero, Leonardo DaVinci, ends the film with a book burning.
Plumm> "The Delta Knights were denied a cable access project, at least for a time." ??!!
mgrasso> doesn't SFC realize that *everyone* already knows how bad their originals are?
Plumm> well, that was a movie.
walter> there, you are... like a throbbing star...
Plumm> Okay, let's start an epic poem about the Delta Knights.
walter> Ok, chaucer away.
Plumm> I sing of arms and a filthy man . . .
walter> Delta Knights, bringingeth goodness and runningsrun
mgrasso> um, "abandon all hope, ye who enter here?"
Plumm> And the rosy-fingered dawn did bring light to the wine-dark cinematographer.
mgrasso> then the demons fart out the theme song.
BEMaven> All these people just to do establishing shots?
BryanL> "Herman Beeftink's Music Score Mixed By". That's the goofiest credit ever.
BryanL> Special thanks, Grateful thanks, and Grateful acknowledgments?
BEMaven> Did this movie consist of just gallavanting?
mgrasso> and gadding.
walter> and mincing. Don't forget the mincing.
walter> and poncing. plenty of that.
BryanL> Quite the turd.
SONG OF CRONEWHORE
"Bring on the girl"
"Time for food."
"Go on, go on, you know what I want."
"He's dull and diminutive"
"Return the map. return what you have stolen from me."
"No one wears my face but me!"
"You're stealing my soul! Why you little troll!"
"You're a ripe one yourself."
"We should get out of here."
"doo doo doo doo"
Heavily edited byPlumm.