x88 EARTHQUAKE (3/4/98)

MOVIE
Charlton Heston. George Kennedy. Richard Roundtree. I don't know, maybe I was expecting more from these three titans of 1970s cinema. As it was, we still got to see the EARTHQUAKE! Yes, it's Earthquake, the movie that dares to advertise mass destruction and not deliver on it into well into the third hour, setting the precedent for Jimmy Cameron's luxury-liner-sinking-as-porn flick, Titanic. This is one of those "everybody has a story" movies, and yet we still don't give a crap about any of them. Charlton Heston is the oily, unappealing protagonist, married to a castrating bitch-goddess from hell, who somehow has scored a 9-year-old mistress who just might've been attractive by 70s standards. Meanwhile, George Kennedy mugs and capers as a latter-day Officer Toody. A barely-recognizable Shaft plays an angry, black Evel Knievel who never quite enters into the plot. Lorne Greene rounds out the cast as the manhunter who won't rest until he gets Robert Denby. Oh, and there's a femmy Nazi national guardsman who wants to shoot the President to prove his love for Jodie Foster.

"I AM INDEED GEORGE KENNEDY."
mg> LA... before the riots
* quakerees hums the CHiPs theme
BillBeast> Credits filmed on a large breasted woman's t-shirt!
quakerees> I can tell already that Dorothy Spencer was asleep at the splicer
cthulhu> The Omega Man 2: The Resurection.
mg> judy garland at home
mg> "where are my PILLS, charlton!"
quakerees> So who is going to break the news to Chuck that his chest just ISN'T that attractive?
mg> and ladies and gentlemen, your earrthquake
cthulhu> Oh Charlton! Make the earth move!!!!
mg> it's going to be one of those "parallel story" disaster flicks... ugh
mg> and we have GK sign!
quakerees> Man, that steering wheel's got a hell of a lot more play than George does.
quakerees> Is he allowed by law to slip the pigskin to a child that young?
BillBeast> 11-year old ice skater with a child. Only in LA.
mg> she's positively anorexeriffic!
quakerees> No one will remain seated during the gripping line-reading scene.
quakerees> Does anyone else have the feeling they accidentally filmed some character development workshops and tagged them on to the 'movie?'
mjg> george kennedy *is* harvey b. dunn *in* sinister urge 2: the reckoning
quakerees> Meanwhile, George Kennedy talks the tidy bowl man down from the rim
BillBeast> The computer, sir? I'll have to unlock the punch card closet.
cthulhu> Sorry sir, the vaccum tubes are down.
BillBeast> Um, sir? We can'tg get to the computer. The Cal Tech grad students are running some "Colossal Cave" tests.
BillBeast> Attention, airplanes...we have had earthquakes that have obviously had no effect on you. Over.
quakerees> I miss people dressing like the interior of a mcDonald's Why can't it be the 70's again?
mgrasso> "lorne... i hear you've grown quite a mustache since i've been on vacation..."
* quakerees hypnotically traces the tie's diagonal lines
mgrasso> meanwhile, at a 70s gay bondage club
Jamie> Now, Oscar Madison will molest Drew Barrymore
cthulhu> Walter Matthau IS Huggy Bear, in Cheers.
mgrasso> this movie is a bizarre mixture of "omega man" and "dirty dingus mcgee"
Ironf> with a sprinkle of blaxplotation
quakerees> Wow....call me a chicken, but I would not be doing stunts on a track made of lincoln logs
mgrasso> 70s: decade of daredevils in upsetting costumes
cthulhu> The rides at Great America were so primative back in the 1970s.
BillBeast> So how did the bagboy interpret the national guard message as a call to peeping?
mgrasso> matthew mcconahey *is* the son of col. sanders in... my chicken, my secret shame
Ironf> Ma'm do you have any recently used panties that need smelling and fondling?
mgrasso> ironf: sorry, that's a ratmm reference. 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct. first down.
cthulhu> He just Torgo with better posture and a speech therapist.
Jamie> Maybe I should stalk more and meet some big-chested women.
Jamie> This guy's got "Book Depository" written all over him.
mgrasso> it's the new ride at disneyland: wattsland!
mgrasso> miles quade: the budget daredevil. "i'll jump any time for $49.95!"
cthulhu> Excitbike only for the Nitendo Entertainment System.
Jamie> When do the Seven Angels beat up the coke smugglers?
mgrasso> damn coke daredevils
* mgrasso spins from multiple-plot complex
Jamie> ooh, the quake!
cthulhu> Quake? Use the nailgun!
dungarees> The spirit of mother earth was a little late in getting back at the Spanish missionaries for murdering her native children
mgrasso> no, god, not the cows!
mgrasso> yes! now they're minute steaks!
cthulhu> Looks like someone's Puzz 3D got knocked over.
cthulhu> Dear lord! They're combining disaster movies?
mgrasso> earthquake: the movie that effortlessly combines stock footage of planes landing with a shaking camera to bring you the best in seismic simulation
dungarees> Well I'm glad to see the pilot looks calmer than if he had just downed a vial of ludes
BillBeast> This earthquake has already gone on longer than all earthquakes ever combined.
cthulhu> The last days of the Galactica!
BillBeast> Panty hose? Lorne's just full of good plans today.
Ironf> Why are these damp?
BillBeast> Lorne, now is not the time to get Rogie-Panty complex.
THX-1138> The only way to put people in LA out of their misery is to kill 'em.
BillBeast> HEY! Hand off Lorne's ass!
THX-1138> Please, get Lorne's ass out of my face!
andre> I'm sorry, but martial law has just been declared by the wormy guy.
BillBeast> What we need is a geologist to come in and take over this ragtag operation!
Ironf> Told ya Chuck always has a bitchin' set of wheels.
andre> Joe Patroni, in a role that will impress you mightily.
BillBeast> Snap the dog's neck!
andre> GK is thinking how he can cook it.
Ironf> Poodles, thems good eaten.
THX-1138> Most people argue which is cuter in this scene: GK or the puppy.
andre> Quick! Get me some #2 pencils, a squirrel, three charcoal briquettes and a Belgian architect!
BillBeast> Prepare to meet Lorne Green...IN HELL!
THX-1138> George Kennedy: Extreme Car Passenger
Jamie> Five the GK Way.
THX-1138> Rapes and "faggots." What a movie.
andre> and here comes GK to complicate things.
THX-1138> This romance challenges Rose and Jack's from Titanic. Okay, not really.
Ironf> Must....stick....finger.....in.....dike
BillBeast> Yeah, and there's a chance mole men burrowed out of the earth and saved them.
THX-1138> GK and Chuck are magic, just like when they worked together in Airport 75. Magick baby!
BillBeast> There's plenty of time before our crushing watery death!
THX-1138> Don't worry, Chuck will part it.
BillBeast> And they get washed out to the beach where they're impaled on syringes and medical waste. The end.
BillBeast> So...learned?
THX-1138> I learned that LA would benefit from a disasterous earthquake.
Ironf> I learned the power and emotion that is George Kennedy.
Jamie> I learned that I was too damn distracted build up even a modicum of interest in this stinker
BillBeast> I learned that Animaniacs song was spot on.
THX-1138> I learned that even in death, Chuck Heston lives on as long as we remember his spirit and his will to battle for the truth.
Ironf> I learned the in LA, even the super creepy get to oogle a long time before getting shot down.
andre> I learned that Earthquakes are REAL and that Lorne Greene can prevent them.
BillBeast> I learned that andre wasn't watching at all and he'd not fooling anyone.
andre> I learned that it's best to try to convert WAV formats instead of bothering with Charlton Heston vehicles.

MORE THAN THREE HOURS OF WASTED TIME
"I'm tuned to just the right pitch."
"Holy mother of God!"
"Barbara! Take off your pantyhose, dammit!"
"That dam up there is liable to go anytime!"
"I never shot a troublemaker before..."
"Be careful of the loose area down there."

TALE OF THE TAPE

George "the Animal" Kennedy		Chartlon "the Messiah" Heston
indeterminate	weight	lean, mean, fighting machine
39	hamburgers eaten in one sitting	prefers fishes and loaves
zero	societies destroyed	one (Return to Planet of the Apes)
one	airports saved	zero
one	official web pages	zero
zero	Space Ghost: Coast to Coast appearances	one
three	HG appearances	two

Winner? Push. There are no winners here.