X196 PEOPLE UNDER THE STAIRS (1/16/99)

STARE MASTERS
Directed by Wes "Scream" Craven
Written by Wes "Swamp Thing" Craven
Produced by Stuart M. "Joe" Besser, Dixie "Cup" Capp, Wes "I do EVERYTHING!" Craven, Peter "Australian for beer" Foster, Shep "Lightfoot" Gordon, Marianne "Hollyweird" Maddalena

MOVIE
This Wes Craven "masterpiece" is based on the true story of a Eritrian couple living in Belmont, California in the early 1970s who locked up trick-or-treating kids in their basement. In this artistic adaptation of the tale, a young boy named Fool (Brandon Adams of the cinematic Moonwalker video) is pulled into the dark underworld of crime when his sister's boyfriend, Leroy (played by non-Golden Globe winner Ving Rhames), forces him to burgle the house of their kooky landlords. Teaming up with Larry Dallas at the Regal Beagle, the trio encounters a world of wacky misunderstandings as they attempt to enter the Fort Knoxian home. One of the funnier misunderstandings ends in Larry's demise when Leroy and Fool hollow him out in a Trojan Horse scheme. Eventually, the two remaining geniuses find themselves in the house unable to escape the inane banter of Stanely and Helen. Driven to insanity, Leroy blows his head off with a shotgun alerting the arguing couple to the presence of the intruders. On his own, Fool runs through the house avoiding Tim Curry, Professor Plum, and the Gimp. He eventually ends up in the basement where he finds hundreds of caged Morlocks. Crap-his-pants scared, he takes off in the opposite direction and meets Alice, played by A(llison).J(oy). Langer of My So-Called Life and Meet the Deedles fame. She propositions Fool only to be rebuffed when he reveals he "belongs" to Michael Jackson. Fool convinces Alice through a long melodramatic Truman Show-esque speech to join him on his journey of escape. With the help of Roach, an escaped Morlock whose tongue has been removed, they free the caged freaks in the basement, escape from the house, and stop Max from releasing the NOC list.

THEY'RE BUYING A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN
Plumm> There is no try. There is only Wes Craven.
THX-1138> There....is....another....person....under the stairs
Ironf> the punishment oddly enought is 3 jabs with a fork, but she lost it, so...
THX-1138> See, if he had only kept his golden Globe instead of giving it to Lemmon, he could have sold it and bought a better van
Plumm> We don't any of you people's Chitlin cookies.
THX-1138> Boyz Scouts in the Hood
Ironf> Pedos on wheels ma'am. Your husband placed an order.
Plumm> The meter is UNDER THE STAIRS!!!
GersonK> Meter? I sure did!
THX-1138> It's all the Eskimos moving in. The neighborhood was a lot better before they came
GersonK> The exciting word of burglary - brought to you by the career insittiue
Plumm> Make a better vodoo doll trap, and the world will jam open your door with a crowbar.
Ironf> Those aren't pillows
GersonK> "Doctor of burglary maybe. You're lucky I'm teaching you a trade"
Plumm> Jurassic Park 2 2: Gymnastic Bugaloo.
Ironf> It takes till the end before they find out that her husband is the werewolf.
Plumm> He really should have studied at DeVry.
THX-1138> Spencer? Are you for hire?
Ironf> Rectum! Dang near killed 'em
GersonK> Really, in my day, you didn't go into burglary unless you were prepared to work for your gold coins
THX-1138> I wonder what the rent is like for a room under the stairs
Plumm> It depends. Is it a studio room? Are the Stairs on the Lower East Side.?
GersonK> The Post had that story on the guy who was only paying $99 for his plac unbder the stairs
Ironf> But the place blew up cause he had side gas tanks
Ironf> Originally they just wanted Burt and it was titled Rug and a Half, but....
Plumm> He's looking for Jack benny's vault.
GersonK> Now is that a dubloon or a piece of eight?
Plumm> Homeless Morlock War Vet, care to give money?
Plumm> Honey, the dog smells coloreds.
THX-1138> That'll give you a permanent afro
Ironf> Presenting Spike Lee's "People Under the Stairs"
GersonK> Dogs come running for the great flavor of Ving Rhames
THX-1138> His package is in the open. Repeat, his package is in the open.
Plumm> Ms. Gibbs did a wonderful job.
THX-1138> Hi, little black boy. Will you rape me?
Ironf> Massa got me workin'
Ironf> And she goes on to be the drunken whore on My So Called Life
Plumm> Merryl Streep's caught in the blender again.
THX-1138> Bring out the gimp
Plumm> The S&M Communist Gun Club.
THX-1138> Spokesman for NAMBLA everyone.
GersonK> 'Oh yes, little boy, you're a very good burglar - for me to poop on!'
THX-1138> It's Wes Craven's Laugh-In!
GersonK> 'oh, oh, a trap door very clever - very good trcik - for me to poop on!'
THX-1138> Hi, I've got good gums and teeth!
Ironf> He's Bruce Campbell on roids!
Plumm> Festive inner-wall lighting
Ironf> "That dumb bear trooper." New this fall on ABC
Ironf> plumm is a dirty jew
Plumm> I'm a dirty international banker jew who controls the world.
Plumm> secretly.
Ironf> He died as he lived. Dirty in a furnace
Ironf> It's the little Johnny flame suit
GersonK> Usually, a place with more that much crawl space and a full horde of unholy warriors goes for close to $1 Mil - even more in a good school district
GersonK> Oh, and they've got a stalker Shrine too - that'll hike up the price
THX-1138> release the hounds, Smithers!
THX-1138> Stay alive! Wherever you may be, I WILL FIND YOOOOOOOOU!
GersonK> the crazier they got, the greedier they got, and the greedier they got, the crazier...
GersonK> The moral - cops are suckers for fancy tea service
GersonK> In the sense that we keep her locked up in the walls - oh my - did I say that out loud?
THX-1138> Converse, the official shoe of breaking into people's houses, beating people, and freeing people living under the stairs
Plumm> This is actually the director's cut of Tonya Harding's wedding video.
GersonK> *sniff* remember when Roach stuck out his tongue stump? Those were good times, weren't they?
Ironf> Resident Evil: The Quickening
GersonK> Who are we going to trust, your granddad, or the guy in the leather suit?
Ironf> I'm Gimpman
GersonK> To the Gimp-pole, Robin!
Plumm> Bugs Bunny is having a party in the oven!
GersonK> Hey, he's found Scrooge McDuck's stash!
Ironf> reeee reeeeee reeeeee reeeeeee
THX-1138> It was Alice, with the knife, in the kitchen!
Plumm> The People In the Cabinets, Also, Did We Mention That part?
Ironf> the paper was nothing more than a bunch of Euros
THX-1138> Looks like a normal party in the hood
GersonK> You know, they would've gotten away with it if it weren't for that meddling kid
THX-1138> I'm free! Free to be shunned as the ugly freak I am by society!

CAREBEARS, STARE!
"Where's your fork? WHERE IS YOUR FORK!"
"She's been feeding that thing behind the walls again."
"Bad girls burn in hell."
"I need to check your meter."
"Your mother sleeps with cats!"
"A man ain't dead just cause he's lying on the floor."
"Your father is one sick mutha"
"I don't want to see another cop or cookie in my life."
"YOU LITTLE JUDAS!!!"

From time to time, we at the HomeGame like to recognize talent. Sure, it's rare to find such a thing in the movies we watch, but statistics, the universe, and Stephen Hawking with his creepy computer voice say it happens once in a while. Right now, we'd like to take a moment and alert you to a rising star brimming with excitement for his craft of acting. If he were a stock, and we were your investment advisor, we'd tell you to buy him up. If he were a transvestite hooker you'd be well advised to get a piece of his action, even if you weren't into that stuff. Who is this young talent you ask? It's none other than Sean Whalen, AKA Roach. Sean has starred in many blockbusters and is well on his way to becoming Generation X's Clint Howard. Who can forget the touching performance Sean gives in "Batman Returns" as the paperboy. Not since Chris Elliot and the video game did being a paperboy

seem so cool. Normally a risky maneuver, Sean went against type and played Wormser in "Revenge of the Nerds III: The Next Generation." The move payed off as he landed a role in "Doppelganger" as the empathic gas man. It's said his awesome performance increased local power and gas company recruitment ten fold. The obvious acting power of this young man caught the eye of Pauly Shore who immediately cast him in "Jury Duty." Unfortunately, the role didn't allow Sean to fully display his acting talents. Unable to find a job for several months, the eager Sean took a pay cut to get the role of Bone in the big budget aqua-action movie "Waterworld." To his misfortune, the movie was a box office failure. Slowly, his life began to spiral out of control. Sean found himself selling his furniture and doing boat shows to feed himself. While selling antiques at a doll and gun show, Sean ran into Tom Hanks. After much pleading with Hanks, he was cast in the prized role of Heckler in "That Thing You Do!" Armed with a letter of recommendation from Hanks, Sean pulled a coup by getting cast in "Twister" as Sanders which lead to his memorable role of Karaoke Party Guest in "The Cable Guy." Most recently, Sean has appeared in the summer blockbuster alien-fest "Men In Black" as a passport officer. Comically enough, Sean's most famous role is not from film, but from TV. As part of the million dollar "Got Milk?" ad campaign, You may recognize Sean as the guy who sinks his teeth into a peanut butter filled sandwich only to have a radio contest call him and ask, "Who shot Alexander Hamilton?" That's right. Sean was that guy. Thanks to the commercial, Sean's place in pop culture history has been firmly secured in the phrase, "Aruuh Buuuh." The fact he has gone from the highest peaks to the lowest valleys and back again to top is a testament to his superb acting skills. Make room in the skies because this kid's a rising super star!

I found Gimpy.

CRAPPY TRIVIA: Fool is named after the infamous Fool of "I pity the Fool." Wes Craven chose the name to honor his best friend at the time, Mr. T (AKA Mr. Tiberious) who is best known for delivering the line. Tiberious, stricken with breast cancer at the time, met Craven through the magnanimous Make-A-Wish Foundation.
CRAPPY CRAPPY TRIVIA: Tiberious' first wish was to wrestle Hulk Hogan, but Hogan refused citing "racial problems."
CRAPPY CRAPPY CRAPPY TRIVIA: Tiberious' cancer is believed to have been caused by a rare, carcinogenic gold paint only sold in Mexico.

THX-1138 lives in his own bile under a mall escalator.

WHO REALLY SHOT ALEXANDER HAMILTON?