x116 PRAYING MANTIS (5/3/98)
Directed By: James "And the Giant" Keach
Written By: William "Little Buddy" Delligan and Duane "Shallow end of the
Here's the Story, of a Hungry Lady
Jane Seymour, like all of us, is a little bitter about The Rocky Horror
Picture Show. Why she chose to take it out on the Mayor of New York City
and Sam Houston look-alikes instead of, for example, Meatloaf, Tim Curry,
Susan Sarandon or any other of a host of people who are as annoying in
real life as they are in the 'film' we can't be sure. In any case, this
movie is something of a big huge giant rip-off since she does not even
take a nibble out of anyone's head. She does, however, manage to convince
the authorities that a claw hammer to the head is a likely method of
suicide among drunken sisters-in-law cum personal maids who have a taste
for the Bostwick.
Green is the Color of My True Love's
BryanL> Dr. Quinn. Medicine MURDER.
MST3Ker> "I wonder if he goes well with white wine?"
dungarees> So is she a woman of bugs, or a woman who IS a bug?
BryanL> Yes, this is 9-1-2. How may I help you?
dungarees> I wanna see her eat his HEAD! This is SUCH a gyp
BryanL> Hey, it's the Made for TV Tommy Lee Jones and the made for TV
KevinL> "Do you have that book? You know, the one by that guy?"
BryanL> Man, that's some major bonus turtleneck she's got going.
MrBooze> Only a murdere would wear a sweater like that.
KevinL> So, the mayor of New York City also owns a bookstore?
BryanL> You know, Jackie Collins, Katherine Wodewiss, those are all
Plum> I mostly write trashy novels now, as "John Grisham."
THX-1138> I usually write under the name T-Bone or Koko.
MSTPoopie> Sometimes I write as Dr. Suess.
dungarees> What she really needs is a gingerbreadhouse. Victims dig
BryanL> Artichokes, or just regular strangulation?
Plum> Mantis hint: Only marry and eat troubled loners, not succesful
businessmen with families.
ServoT> I thought this was going to be a religous promotional film for
THX-1138> Hi. I'm Zorak...I mean Linda.
dungarees> She was into scarification, food binding and artificial
cranial deformation...is that important?
Plum> Quinn is serving herself up the family country-style buffet.
MrBooze> Black Bra under a pink sweater? Before Labor Day?
BryanL> How about a little medicine woman for me, baby.
ServoT> Interestingly enough, the Mayor's secretly Ant-Man
MrBooze> They were burning the candle at both ends, then decided to
break it in half and stick it in two holders.
dungarees> GAAAAH! She's got a third leg!
dungarees> Doesn't any male star ever clue into the fact that women
with hair that shiny are just plain evil?
MrBooze> You know, if you combined both their wigs, you'd have a
decent head of hair.
KevinL> "She wears a disguise, to eat those human guys, but she's not
a girl, she's a mantis-boo."
BryanL> Meanwhile, back in "N.Y.P.D. Plaid"...
MrBooze> Maybe her mother was the freakin Avon Lady...WHAT'S YOUR
dungarees> You've given me hope again. You've given me head again.
What more could a guy ask for?
BryanL> Barry's relationship with Frank N Furter was better developed
than this, and he didn't propose to HIM.
KevinL> Barry's relationship with his gold motorcycle in Megaforce was
more developed than this.
lando5> yeah, but be fair, Kev...at least it was a FLYING
dungarees> Do you like the idea of having a wicked stepmother? Is
that what those crusty towels are all about?
BryanL> This movie would be so much better as an episode of "Brak's
Tales of Suspense".
KevinL> Dah dah dah dummm!
Plum> Like father, like son? Think about it, won't you? Thank You.
BryanL> This is just about the thickest character Barry Bostwick's
ever played. And that's saying something.
KevinL> A River Runs Through It II: Mantis Boogaloo.
Mantisrees> And that big bad buffalo plaid wearin' woman tooked it!
Mantisrees> Even as she leaves, she provides turn-down service and a
'how am I doing' survey
KevinL> Look, Bobby, fistfuls of crank and vibrating heat beads are
fine, but you've got to have something to fall back on. You can't ride
the snake forever, you know.
Mantisrees> Don't tell MrBooze, but I think I may have to marry Kevin.
BryanL> Talk amongst yourselves. I'll give you a topic. The Praying
Mantis is neither praying nor a mantis. Discuss.
BryanL> This movie is just plain sweaterrific.
Gutfish> she can sense the presence of her enourmous retinal glands
Mantisrees> Again, if no one ever thought to look in the little black
bag, these men have deserved everything they've gotten!
KevinL> In the kitchen, no mantis can hear you breathe.
THX-1138> Jane Seymour IS Meatloaf
THX-1138> I can't tell him. He's disappointed in my chronic wangular
ServoT> But the DNA on the envelope glue wasn't that of Betty,
consequently OJ simpson was tried and convicted
Mantisrees> you know, this is one of the best movies we've done in a
BryanL> And when you say "best", you mean . . . ?
Mantisrees> Well, I mean it's no Superbeast, but it's got a certain
joi de morte
Plum> I know what you mean.
KevinL> Hi, this is Betty. I can't come to the phone right now
because I've killed myself with a hammer. Leave your name, number, and a
KevinL> She's an alcoholic, and prone to bouts of depression and
Gutfish> picnic of THE DAMNED
Plum> This is like the Parent Trap, but with a Mantis-Woman.
Plum> and only one kid, but he does look like Hayley Mills.
Mantisrees> No one will remain seated during the gripping hurling
KevinL> Wow, I didn't know dead bodies rolled uphill.
BryanL> Anyone else hoping that she kills Bostwick and gets away scot
KevinL> Dear Cruel World, I just couldn't get those mortice and tennen
joints right, so I'm going to end it all...
BryanL> Oh, lady, the Romulans called, they want their hair back.
MrBooze> Are they actually getting married in a cemetary? That's cost
MrBooze> Dr Quinn, Medicine Ball Bootay
Mantisrees> So the fly fishing plot was to give her an excuse for
taking off the ring?
Plum> and planting it in Betty Lou's handbag, yes, rees.
Mantisrees> I would like to nominate this woman for president. Anyone
who can plan like that can run my government!
MrBooze> And her clumsy faking of suicides is almost clintonesque in
MrBooze> Whoa...screw you, denoument!
MrBooze> She had a pair of legs that demanded a steamy sax solo.
From the Home Game Trenches
MST3Ker> This room is unfair TURD-DOOKIE-CRAP-S**T, so there
ServoT> kick him, bry
MST3Ker> I dare ya!!!!
MST3Ker> poo poo
MST3Ker> pass gas
MST3Ker> rip a big one
* MST3Ker was kicked by Plum (TURDS STINKY-POO! )
BryanL> Oh, and for those keeping score, I've now been called a "dirty
cocksucker" AND a "KKK Loser" in the line of Homegame Duty. Do we have
* Plum hands BryanL The Grand Gragon Cluster.
* Plum hands BryanL The Grand Dragon Cluster.
* Mantisrees wants the grand Gragon Cluster
* BryanL graciously hands over my Gragon Cluster
Plum> I only give that to girls for formal occasions, dung.
* ServoT hands BryanL The Dust Buster
* BryanL will be keeping, however, my Grand Guignol Cluster.
Plum> I'll give you a ring my next prom.
Mantisrees> Does that mean we're not levalliered any more, Jamie?
* BryanL vacuums up Clark Bar crumbs
* Gutfish has a Grand Cheez-Wiz Cluster
Dungarees could teach Mantis Chyck a thing or two about what to do with