X156 PRAYER OF THE ROLLERBOYS (8/10/98)

MOVIE
Remember the 80's, decade of big hair, big hair bands, bad rock power ballads, and big hair. Sure there really wasn't a lot to look forward to back then, we we strived on. The 80's were also the heart of the "Corey" movement. Corey Haim and Corey Feldman, two "actors" that had minimal success apart, but were gangbusters together. It's a shame that both Coreys weren't in this, I guess. Anyway, this is Haim in a future where the Japanese have bought almost everything, except the monopoly on bad hair. Corey and his little bro live on the streets and deliver pizza, except when they are rollerblading, as most homeless do to pass the time. Well there is a gang out there making some drug that looks like a candy instead of a narcotic. Also Black Ceaser's father stars as a guy that gets beaten often, cause that's what kids do. Oh, this drug has a side effect. It makes your noodle wet and you can't have kids. And there's lots of bad fashion and bad, bad hair. Corey went through around 5000 bottles of activator, and that was just to drink.

AHH I JUST DIED IN YOUR HAIR TONIGHT!

Bowleg> Corey Haim in a role that will Feldman you.
Bowleg> dated beyond belief.
THX-1138> Basically Gleaming the Cube then
Bowleg> SEE! Corey Haim's brother ingest weird glowing drugs!
Bowleg> SEE! Corey Haim ravaged by real-life drug abuse!
Bowleg> SEE! An Arquette being an Arquette!
Bowleg> SEE! Annoying kids!
Bowleg> THRILL! To the Beverly Hills Guy
Ironf> So now the Japanese bottoms own the world
THX-1138> Nice Stay Puft marshmallow man hat
Ironf> That was Corey in his real life clothing
Bowleg> The day of Hitchcock's seemingly one-take movie is coming?
THX-1138> Shot on location with the men and women of Pacific Blue
Bowleg> Ladies and gentlemen, Roc.
Ironf> This role was made for Tiny Lister.......too bad he didn't get a call back for it
THX-1138> See Patricia Arquette smile and show off her crooked tooth.
Bowleg> And now, bad rock.
Ironf> Barber Shop Quartet members of the Fuuutuuure!
monkeyfingers> dangit the crack house is on fire
Ironf> ummm the house jumped right out in-front of me officer. really
Bowleg> but first, a bit of gay erotica.
THX-1138> Hard to believe Fox is picking this up as a series
THX-1138> The cast of Starlight Express!
THX-1138> Captain Eo on skates!
Bowleg> This is sort of like the Seven Samurai only with gay teens. and it's not good.
Ironf> Scatman Crothers looks on
Ironf> so pedophilic incestous subtext
THX-1138> PIS
Ironf> This movie is full of PIS
Bowleg> You know, if I were 8 I might enjoy this movie.
Ironf> and it were still the 80's
Bowleg> ah, the archetypical "wizened old black man mentor"
Bowleg> Corey spends a full 4 hours a day on his hair. It's a medically proven fact.
THX-1138> It's EEEEELECTRIFYING!
Bowleg> NIN Lite
Bowleg> You know Trentie is ashamed of this.
THX-1138> I want to make love to you like a gerbil
Bowleg> I want to fuck you like a George Kennedy.
Djenk> Head Like a Haim, Corey's so Lame....
THX-1138> I never knew Corey could still get movie roles
Bowleg> Say, Corey. Lose the bandana.
THX-1138> The Rollerboys are the best damn stock traders! They've diversified dammit!
Ironf> Why are people paying so much money for those little wax bottles with colored sugar water in them?
Bowleg> kids love the green coloring, grownups love the brainkilling rush!
THX-1138> To be a Roolerboy, you have to have sex with Marky Mark and his prosthetic
Bowleg> Man, his hair pisses me off.
Bowleg> You're a gay boy in bondage now!
THX-1138> Damn! I'm missing part of shark week!
Bowleg> I'd rather witness the evolution of a bowel movement.
Bowleg> phew. he's going overboard on the gay factor with that outfit.
Bowleg> first you have to star in some porn films made by Loggia. I hope you don't mind.
Bowleg> mmmm, you taste like Corey Feldman.
THX-1138> Wow, I can buy lots of hair gel with this!
Bowleg> Miss arquette, you really need to buy a better wardrobe.
Bowleg> accentuate the weirdness of your skull with new Bad Haircut brand haircuts.
Djenk> And we have Corey-sex
Ironf> It's like he broke off a little piece of Spielburg and Lucas and joined them together
Bowleg> You just know this movie is going to be a "cult classic" come 2027
Bowleg> Gee, wonder if Unca Remus is going to suffer a bit soon?
THX-1138> The internet is bery bery good to me
Bowleg> Speedbagger, best amphetamine packager in the district.
Bowleg> A friend saw both coreys in a bathroom doing lines of coke a few years back
Bowleg> now that's a photo op!
Bowleg> You know, if this movie didn't have Corey, lost the rollerblade angle, updated the haircuts, and aquired some taste... it wouldn't be too bad. Or not.
Bowleg> hold me closer, clammy Corey.
Ironf> the B-13ers, only a quarter as good as the B-52s
Bowleg> I got a haircut that's as big as a whaaaale
Ironf> I like that instead of a regular office chair, they use a wheelchair
Ironf> So the rope is an additive that makes you sterile
Ironf> Appearently we need to make a version that goes into hair gel, to rid the world of these folks
Ironf> Uhh I didn't like the way he was stoking that big black shaft thing
Ironf> Notice that alot of the commercials with this movie have involved hair?
Bowleg> 10 feet away and they can't hit the leader with automatic weapons
Bowleg> stunt Corey!
Ironf> spin an toss corey
Bowleg> thay guy was like 7 feet tall
Bowleg> with a big poofy wig
Ironf> I think they call that a fright wig
Bowleg> I'd don't understand why they never just shoot villains in the leg or something in situations like this
Ironf> Ahhh Mr. Gibbs lives
Ironf> and hey kinda ok hair
Bowleg> always leave room for a sequel.
Bowleg> we're going to a new place... to a series.

GET THAT MAN A COMB!

"Yo! Honeypot!"
"Woah fire!"
"So whadda tell that pollack detective?"
"Bango"?
"Rollerboys aint nothin' new"
"Got a minute ram-rod?"
"Fine-ass roller pud!"
"you've been handling him"
"Rules are rules"
"I want to make you feel good"
"I wanna make you feel good"
"Rollerslut... smoke her out?"
"What are you guys doing, making love? C'mon!"
"Once in, never out."
"Give us the drugs, dum-dum"