x77 THE OMEGA MAN (2/8/98)

MOVIE
This sci-fi "romp" is assuredly the magnum opus of Charlton Heston's oeuvre. Heston is the last man on earth... except, actually, there's a whole bunch of other people. There's a group of hippie Morlocks named the Family, led by fallen newscaster Matthias and Williams-lookalike Zachary. Heston lives the life of a king, ruling over a dead planet with bon mots delivered to no one but you, the audience. Taking potshots at the sub-humans who pester him daily is but a fringe benefit. Eventually, Chuckie-baby finds some other "normal" humans, including a sassy sister who eventually consents to sleep with the Messiah. Chuck's lovin' life, findin' cures and breakin' hearts, until the Family comes and ruins it, but fulfills the ancient prophecy that Charlton Heston will save the world (also see: The Ten Commandments, Return to Planet of the Apes, etc.) We were also pretty sure that there was a social subtext of some sort, but you can never be sure of these things, especially in the '70s.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE HIM
mgrasso> it's that u2 video with william burroughs
Djenk> 94.8...mellow music for mellow people
bowleg> You'll enjoy the apocalypse in style in the new Buick Skylark
BryanL> Official NRA Joke Here
shred> look out for the big WB shield...whew, turned just in time.
dungarees> 8-tracks and Impalas...these are the times when I miss being a gear chyck
BillBear> So, apparently, just *before* the apocalyspe, everyone parked their cars safely.
dungarees> So apparently pretty much everyone has taken some sound advice and left the Bronx, eh?
dungarees> Charlton Heston in My Clutch Purse, My Secret Shame
Djenk> Selling yourself a car is a sign of impending mental doom
BryanL> This is already a deep look at the collapse of American infrastructure.
BryanL> Chuck Heston -enjoying- Woodstock. This IS science fiction.
mgrasso> charlton's being educated in the ways of the discordians
Bice> He talks to cars, he talks to movies...what dialog!
bowleg> god, sentenced to watching Woodstock over and over again. This is a hellish vision of a post-apocalpytic society!
dungarees> The lands called USA appears to have been destroyed when it was buried under a pile of material labelled Current Resident
GersonK> "What no, I don't want to change my long distance service"
Bice> Wow, I wish I could get *my* phone to stop by yelling at it.
mgrasso> wow, chartlon kicks ass apparently... how'd i know *that* would happen
bowleg> He's having a Melting Man flashback.
THX-1138> Abort firings. Abort. These are the only pair of pants you have. Abort.
BillBear> Diarrhea is like a Chuck Heston raging inside of you.
BillBear> It's dusk in helltown...the mutants are a little friskier, the evening gin is a little smoother
GersonK> I'm not an ape, I'm a free man, so get your damn dirty information off me, you won't get a soilent green!
BryanL> This looks like the floor-level Today Show.
BryanL> They should have used Listerine to fight plague. Or is that plaque.
mgrasso> i'm smug even at the end of the world, baby
THX-1138> The day I believe Heston as a microbiologist is the day I believe Sharon Stone as a biochemist.
mgrasso> i'm sorry guys, this movie just kicks ass, it's just charlton being charlton
BryanL> What, exactly, made Hollywood think people would pay money to watch Chuck Heston talk to himself for an hour and a half?
dungarees> Thank you, Charlton, for leading our line of site directly to your crotch with that flashlight.
BryanL> Well, if the damn liberals had their way, the government would take away all our flashlights.
dungarees> Will the real Pam "Coffee" Grier please stand up
mgrasso> i'm sorry, it's not chuck's track suit that sells the movie. it's the "andromeda strrain meets shaft meets fantasy island" soundtrack
dungarees> Why do I have this feeling that Chuck spends an inordinate amount of time penning personal ads for himself?
BryanL> SWM seeks ANYONE! ANYONE ON THE ENTIRE STINKING PLANET! No vampires.
dungarees> Charlton Heston IS Aaron Neville in Jesus of Nazareth
mgrasso> well, charlton's completing his messiah complex finally
shred> due to a procedural misunderstanding, 27 olympic torches show up in Nagano
GersonK> hmmm, they're crucifying him. could that be a symbol of something/
shred> the Superbowl finally features a halftime show America wants to see
BryanL> I could get into watching Chuck being completely dominated by a hot black mama.
cthulhu> This is The Stand meets the Mod Squad.
dungarees> Doesn't it figure that the brother is the one who's gonna die?
GersonK> yes, fresh produce will be plentiful after the apocalypse
dungarees> Let's start a new race....hmmm...this could have potential as a pick up line, even for Chuck
Djenk> We have Interracial Sex With Moses sign
shred> usually when I have sex, I like to cut to a TALL building
THX-1138> Many wild animals would find Hestons showing of his large teeth an invitation to a fight.
Bice> Omega man, the film with the most teeth of the 70s.
dungarees> She's fought for the freedom to try on clothes...nekkid
Bice> Hey, you're white now. That'll be even better!
dungarees> I am become grey
mgrasso> this isn't going to end well, is it?
THX-1138> This is where Darkman got this scene from.
BillBear> Where is the Drinking Bird when we need him?
shred> Chuck on a stick.
Bice> Charlton Heston in the 1998 spear catching competition.
shred> two, count 'em, two crucifixtion metaphors in one movie.
mgrasso> : o/~ "he's the omega man..." o/~
* mgrasso swings his microphone
Bice> What cheery music for Chuck's death scene. As it should be.
Ironf> So what did we learn?
shred> I learned that blood isn't all that much thicker than water after all.
Ironf> I learned that Charleton Heston is Christ.
bowleg> I learned I didn't need to watch Omega Man and it's best to just talk on the phone.
Bice> I learned...absolutely nothing.
BillBear> I learned that Cherry Nyquil is more powerful than I ever imagined.
Ironf> I learned Andy Warhol is everlasting.
Djenk> I learned that the NRA must have had its hand in Hollywood at least since the 70s
Bice> I learned not to drink while watching AMC movies 'cause there's no commercial breaks. BRB.
mgrasso> i learned that fashion is very important after the apocalypse... and that charlton heston is paranoid beyond my wildest dreams
shred> I learned that Soylent Red is made from Heston!
Djenk> I learned I like short experiments
dungarees> I learned that people always sadly fail to follow through on the busting of Chuck Heston's ass
THX-1138> I learned that it's not how many years you live, but how you live them...no wait, that's what I learned during ST:Generations.

CHARLTON WEPT.
"There is no phone ringing, damnit!"
"Let me put the power to him... just a little nitro, baby!"
"You're full of crap!"
"Up against the wall, you mother..."
"That's me... your living playtex doll."
"I'm the ramrod."
"Hitch up your drawers."
"That's 160-proof Anglo-Saxon, baby."


THE STATIONS OF THE CHUCK

Violent.	Smug.	Shirtless.	Dentures.	Dead.

Not if you were the last mgrasso on earth!
I'M CHARLTON HESTON, FOR THE HOME GAME