Directed by: Thomas "Millennium" "Dark Skies" "The Pretender" "Nowhere Man" "Max Headroom" Wright
Written by: Dennis "Bronco Billy" Hackin
Produced by: Hulk Hogan and Vince McMahon(executives)
Brothers and Sisters, we are again brought together to witness a wrestler movie. Before you think this is a movie with a wrestler playing a regular guy, let me stop you. In this fine film, we have a wrestler playing a wrestler. What could be more natural? How about his contemporary wrestling enemy playing the bad guy?! That's right, Tiny "Zeus" Lister, Jr. was actually a wrestler around the same time AND he was billed against Hogan. So don't take what you see here as acting, take it as a day-in-the-life documentary kinda deal. Hogan has the world belt, greedy tv guy (NOT TED TURNER) wants to have the best show, hires a bunch of guys, "Zeus" wants to beat Hogan 'cause of an old grudge, they fight, and Hulk ultimately wins over bad guys and gets the girl. See just a regular work day in the life of Terry "Hollywood Hulk Hogan" Bollea.
Ironf> MEEEEAAAAAN GEEEEEENEEEEEE!
dungarees> Hulk's a Brek girl
Djenk> Those roids are coausing a drooling problem there, Hulkster
dungarees> So does this actually have a plot, or is kind of like an episode of Jem?
* Djenk wonder why they could use the name "World Wrestling Federation" but not "hulk Hogan"?
Ironf> Cause they would have had to pay alot to Marvel Comics
mgrasso> ironf: you know way too much about this stuff
Ironf> Yes I do.
dungarees> He's been using that Nutrogena spray on tan stuff again, hasn't he?
Bice> You! Swat at imaginary elves! You! Rock on the porch all night!
* Bice 's wife dispairs at the thought that Hogan's breasts are bigger than hers.
Djenk> World Television Network...not to be confused with Turner Broadcasting...not at all...never
dungarees> Hulk has chronic mastitis
mgrasso> aw, this is where ED-209 walks in and blows away the weaselly executive
mgrasso> this guy is cooler than dirk mcevil from time chasers
Matt> all no he broke the good china
Ironf> See in the movies, he wore red and black, in real life, it's red and yellow
dungarees> Is it just me, or can you not tell what's skin and what's tomato red spandex on Hulk?
* Bice 's wife sez: With the oiled skin, Hulk looks like a rotisary (sp?) chicken at Boston Market.
Ironf> nope not supposed to be Ted Turner at all.
Ironf> AT ALL
Djenk> He left a grease spot.....ROFL!
Ironf> This is just a roller-coaster of non-stop Hulk action, isn't it?
Bice> Is this real Kenny Logins brand soundtrack, or imitation brand Loggins?
dungarees> I was kinda thinking .38 special, Bice.
Bice> Yeah, I could see .38 special too. Or Night Ranger. Or just about a hundred other 80s bands...
Djenk> Nice Hoagie....Hoagie want a chew treat?
Bice> What a dignified performance. On both their parts.
dungarees> You know, it's been clinically proven that 80% of white guys can sing like that.
* Djenk not quite drunk enough.....afk
Ironf> Hulk is a fine American actor and I will not hear of his reputation being soiled.
Matt> Matt= Jamies brother
Matt> wonder were he is?
BillBear> I suspect Jamie has been called back to the White House for an emergency meeting...but perhaps I've said too much.
Ironf> I hear that GK had him snipered.
mgrasso> jamie is smoking cigarettes in a cabin in quebec
Matt> he has an apartment in Virginia Sarcasim learners
BillBear> Yeah, he told us that's what he tells his family.
Ironf> Hogan is really bloated cause of all those Roids, isn't he?
Plumm> Dogbert did the cinematography for all the boardroom scenes.
dungarees> Her hair just isn't 80s enough
Djenk> Our research also shows he has a huge steriod budget....
Bice> These two learned their lines phonetically, didn't they?
Ironf> Welcome to Roid Island
Bice> With that white suit and tan head, he looks like a reverse zit.
Bice> The majesty of wrestlers.
Ironf> Located somewhere in backwoods Kentucky
Djenk> And that slo-mo head butt served what purpose?
Bice> What makes me think there was a line missing there...
Djenk> Hell, theres a whole PLOT missing here
Ironf> ahhh classic a midget in a cage above the ring throwing peanuts to people
Plumm> Flashdance IV: Citizens on Patrol.
Djenk> Abdullah the Butcher: The early years
Bice> And I thought Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was an ugly movie...
Plumm> Roadhouse IV: The Voyage Home.
Ironf> and now some civilized sports: Dwarf tossing
Plumm> Despite all his rage, Hank's still just a dwarf in a cage.
Bice> The average college bar bathroom on a Saturday night.
Bice> Someone's gonna end up in those piss troughs...
Ironf> once again, NOT Ted Turner
Bice> So this movie is mostly just toothless hicks beating the hell out of each other. Makes me long for the nice scenery of Mortal Combat...
Matt> Ted Turners family : a Redneck story
Ironf> Zeus's arms are so muscled that he can't put them down to his sides
* Bice 's wife sez: Mr. T's retarded half-brother Mr. Z
Djenk> More no sells than half of Hogans entire career in 2 minutes...
Plumm> Did you see when Zeus was on Hercules last week? He grunted and beat the crap out of Salmoneus.
Bice> "You were in that Hulk Hogan movie?" "Yeah, but I'm not proud of it."
* Djenk feels queezy at the thought of an upcoming hogan love scene
Bice> I gotta go to bed. Glad they showed me that quick glimpse of Hogan in a speedo before I went though. Ewwww...
Djenk> Hacksaw Jim Duggan's less succseful cousin
Ironf> See they can't have names with more than 3 or 4 letters or they start to get confused
dungarees> These men need some correctol, stat.
Ironf> Hogan always had some of the femmiest clothes
Djenk> we have "hero opportunity" sign
Plumm> Thea Vidale in a role that will bore you.
Ironf> ARE YOU READY FOR SOME FOOTBALL!!
Plumm> ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HOGAN???!!!!!!
Plumm> ARE YOU READY FOR SOME HULKSTER???!!!!!!
Djenk> ARE YOU READY FOR SOME
fill inthe blank>
dungarees> I feel out of my element here, lads
Ironf> Well here is the romance part, so maybe that'll help some pants
Djenk> How can there be only one bed, and me with only a revelaing negligee...
dungarees> Hulk Hogan in violent orange horizontal stripes precludes romance.
Djenk> Hulkamania snoring wild!!!
Ironf> Since she is asleep, I guess I can take the sock out now
dungarees> oh the repartee...Grant and Hepburn live!
* Djenk has now officially had enough of this....
THX-1138> Ah the timeless art of seduction.
dungarees> If his tongue touches her anywhere, I'm going to kill someone
Ironf> Why does Hogan always wear Richard Simmon's shorts?
Ironf> All the good actors only have one eyebrow
* Ironf humms "I am a real American"
dungarees> This is turning into assault on Devil's Island! NOoooooooo!
dungarees> So the Mom's like you choose Jiff commercial is an interesting ad strategy in the middle of 'movies with balls'
* dungarees puts down the knitting and pays attention to the movie for a while
dungarees> Hey baby, wanna ride on the handlebars of my hog?
Ironf> Hogan, the nurturer
THX-1138> Grrrr. Zeus mad.
Ironf> Hulk emotes
dungarees> Is Hulk losing bowel control?
THX-1138> He needs to sign up for Don Lapre's program
Ironf> Full metal ZEUS!
MrBooze> You know, I have to admit, the Hulkster's been showing better acting ability than most stars in the movies we do.
MrBooze> Hey, man, he was crying earlier! That's PATHOS!
Ironf> Ahh yes this ends with the ring caving in, doesn't it.
Ironf> This is probably one of the closest matches Hogan has ever wrestled sadly
Ironf> He hit ZEUS so hard that he is no longer crosseyed
* MrBooze is still misty-eyed from Hulk's big emotional scene.
"It's about time you decided if you're a team player or not."
"We eat it"?
"You survived my little purge..."
"Entertainment? No thank you...."
"How do they know where we're going?"
"What's that smell?" "Dookie."
"America, dontcha just love it."
"And if you ain't got it, my brother over there'll rip your dicks off."
"Geez I wonder if he felt that."
THIS JUST IN
THX-1138> I called my ISP today and they said GK is a crazy grizzled old nut whose pissed over what they see is nothing.
Plumm> they don't think it's really GK?
Ironf> But was it "GK"
THX-1138> All indications point to GK
THX-1138> The REAL GK
Ironf> What indications were there?
THX-1138> It seems that he's in some crazed pissed off mood. He called my site a "pirate site" and he refuses to listen to the Windjammer dudes.
Ironf> Did GK invite you to the secret compound
Ironf> GK is down with the hackerz lingo then
THX-1138> Cool thing was when I called, I was really peppy and the 1st guy said I sounded a lot happier than GK
Plumm> that's fucking AMAZING, THX.
THX-1138> He said that when GK called, he had to him on hold to check the page out and he couldn't stop laughing.
THX-1138> And that he and his friends would like to order up some GK mugs.
Ironf> that's some good stuff
THX-1138> Yeah, I got it all on tape.
Plumm> was he disappointed when he heard there weren't any?
Ironf> And they could clearly see that it was a parody thing then
THX-1138> It seems that GK heard about the site from the Breath Asure people.
THX-1138> Oh yeah, they knew it was a total joke.
Ironf> He doesn't even do Breath Asure anymore does he?
Plumm> you've probably shamed him, THX.
THX-1138> I just went to the supermarket and saw a Breath Asure pack and it had GK's signature of approval on it, so I have no idea.
* Plumm sees head headline: "GK Realizes Life is Joke, Hangs Self With Absorbent Undergarments."
Ironf> Did you ask them for GK's contact information so you could get everything "sorted out"
THX-1138> Yep, but they can't give it out, just like they couldn't give GK mine. They did say they could arrange a conference call if I wanted
Plumm> You should add a "GK conspiracy" page.
Plumm> 1) Bill Corbett is GK.
Plumm> 2) Gilliam is GK
THX-1138> I took volunteered to take down the Merchandise page for now...and I was planning on putting a GKAS DAYS HELD HOSTAGE thing.
Plumm> 3) My column detailing Bat Boy's decadent times at GK's mansion was spiked by my editors.
Plumm> 4) GK tried to close your page.
Ironf> Bat boy is real ya know
Plumm> you didn't take it down, did you?
THX-1138> They advised against a call with GK for now since he's very pissy and closed minded right now. THat's why I took down the Merchandise page for now. Apparently that was his big concern, so maybe that'll cool him down enough to have a rational conversation
THX-1138> The Merch. Page is still there, just the link to it is gone.
Plumm> be prepared to contact Wired or the EFF or something.
Plumm> or annoy.com
Ironf> If he calms down ennough, are you going to see if you can start up an actual GKAS?
THX-1138> I asked them if GK had any other problems and they said he was only grizzled about the Merch. page, although there was "other information" that was incorrect.
dungarees> GK is stalking you, THX?
THX-1138> Good thing we didn't get that BIO page from Bow.
THX-1138> GK loves me and the attention I'm giving him
Ironf> I think there is more dis-information on there than correct stuff, isn't there?
THX-1138> I should hope.
THX-1138> I'm hoping he's angry at me so I can ask for an autograph to just drive him over the edge to kill.
Ironf> You mean you ask for 5 or so autographs
THX-1138> Of course.
Ironf> So you can sell them on the page
THX-1138> The guy I was talking to just kept chuckling while we were talking. It was so surreal.
Billy Cardwell finally got a push