x220 HERCULES vs. THE MOLOCH
Plus the animated adventures of THE MIGHTY HERCULES
(3/13/99)

Directed by Giorgio Ferroni (AKA Calvin Jackson Padget, C.J. Padget, & Jackson Padget)

Written by Remigio Del Grosso (AKA Sven Bergstrom) and Arrigo Equini (AKA The Art Director)

MOVIE
Actually, it's "Hercules Against The Moloch". Well, to be completely honest, it was originally "The Conquest Of Mycenea". No, it's more like that waxy aftertaste you get after a night of...uh, never mind. Whatever its title, this flick is another sorry example from that chapter in Italian Cinema known as the Callosities Era. Hoping to cash in on America's brief fixation with sword and sandal movies during the Cold War, the Italian film industry tacked the Hercules moniker on every title they exported in that period. For a short duration, "La Dolce Vita" was renamed "Will Success Spoil Hercules?", "The Bicycle Thief" became "Hercules And The Velocipede", and "The Leopard" turned into "Hercules vs. The Spotted Puma". The overnight success of Spaghetti Westerns put an end to this orgy of aliases, but not before "Moloch" was deposited in our drive-ins. It features the usual megillah... a wicked queen, scheming aristocrats, haphazard priests, revolting gentry, and an embarrassing monster. There is, however, a shockingly low amount of Hercules content. In his place, we get Gordon Scott as the early Roman ancestor of The Man With No Name. Addled by a fusillade of bad English dubbing, he struts from scene to scene, uncertain of his name or purpose. Only when beautiful women are shackled for arbitrary torments does he finally accept the mantle of Hercules and ends the tyranny of Moloch, a house-broken demi-god who hides his face behind the brooding mask of the RCA Victor mascot.

SLY BOOTS
BEMaven> why are they doing the credits against a wall of turd?
Ironf> Those are some hip sideburn warmers.
BEMaven> whose stockings are that guy wearing?
Rolaid> So, any explanation for the riots yet?
Ironf> Someone's taken a bite outta all their shields.
BEMaven> "and you bear one in your womb NOW" thanks for clueing her in, pops.
Cthulhu> How do they know it's a boy? I didn't know the Myceneans had ultrasound.
Ironf> I always knew that the Roman's came up with removable mohawks.
BEMaven> why is that Centurion dressed like a stove?
Ironf> Did he say she was laden with booty?
Cthulhu> They keep their powerful man-god in the cellar? 'Bring out the Gimp... errr I mean Mocloch.'
BEMaven> "may they return enriched with hostages and laiden with booty."
BEMaven> is it okay if they just return laid?
Ironf> Good evening, I'll be your jackle headed godling tonight. May I suggest the house wine?
BEMaven> Astro the Pup is their god?
Rolaid> And she comes around right as he's about to eat her.
Ironf> Hmmm Scooby snacks.
Cthulhu> Glockus: Greek god of austrian double action auto-loading handguns.
Cthulhu> Errrr... Wasn't Hercules supposed to be in this movie?
BEMaven> uh, i think that's Herc on the right.
Rolaid> Um, the guy in the velvet shirt.
Ironf> It's good to see that Tom Savani was made King.
Cthulhu> Who likes short shorts.... They like short shorts.
Rolaid> Um, can someone help me? I'm lost.
* Rolaid cries.
Ironf> It's like a bad acid trip. Just ride it out and eventually you'll find your way.
BEMaven> another thing...that isn't Gordon Scott's voice.
BEMaven> they dubbed the only English-speaking actor in the cast.
Rolaid> "Slaughter-whorehouse Five"
Cthulhu> I think they are making up for an "inadequacy."
BEMaven> 'any of you virgins? no, the guys don't count.'
Ironf> yes she is a fine piece. Huzzah to you.
Cthulhu> Back to the daylight chariot race to fight the night-time battle.
Cthulhu> It does take a brave man to wear a hat like that.
Cthulhu> Who's that banging on the Hammon organ?
BEMaven> hammon's gay lover, Cth.
Ironf> He looks a bit like a thin Phil Hartman.
Rolaid> "Boo! That's only a prop sword!"
BEMaven> they're going into battle with brittle swords? the women shall weep.
Ironf> It was a prop and he could barely break it. What's that say about him?
Rolaid> That Herc is gonna whoop his ass soon.
BEMaven> uh, Rol, he IS Hercules.
Rolaid> He said he was Glockus or whatever.
BEMaven> but he still might whoop his own ass.
* Rolaid is hopelessly lost *sob*.
Ironf> He changed his name for tax reasons.
my-crow-soft> so, this is where the americal gladiators originated?
BEMaven> rasslin!
Cthulhu> Hercules trained at the James T. Kirk School of martial arts.
my-crow-soft> oops.. 5 point penalty..
Ironf> and it's a full nelson.
Ironf> followed by a chicken wing.
Ironf> and a flurry of double axhandle chops.
Cthulhu> Oh... Hollywood meat slammers are back.
BEMaven> he's wearing Black Velvet....he's hot.
Cthulhu> I thought he was from Thebes.
Ironf> He's the plebian Thebian.
Rolaid> That's the first thing that I've heard in this whole damn movie about Hercules.
BEMaven> "tell him what you told me"...that he has big melons?
Ironf> Whip it good.
Cthulhu> Ca-rack that whip!
Rolaid> He's not very good at aiming, is he?
BEMaven> "who told you that the stones needed whipping?"
Rolaid> Wait, so herc *IS* Glockus then?
Cthulhu> Herc, Glockus... MAKE UP YOUR MIND, MOVIE
BEMaven> actually, only one part of Hercules is called Glockus.
my-crow-soft> now.. i don't think he can get away with that mini-skirt
Ironf> why not, he has the legs for it.
Rolaid> "Wanna see me break this dagger?"
Cthulhu> Zeus? Oh wait... this is split personality Herc.
Rolaid> Who knows, Herc might actually be Moloch in a split personality, along with Moloch.
Ironf> you know, that strangely borders on weird.
Rolaid> Hercules vs. Sybil.
Rolaid> That was the weirdest form of sex I've seen.
BEMaven> did Herc learn that move as a cheerleader?
Ironf> Now, it could be just me, but I thought that Herc was supposed to be much stronger than a regular man. Why has he been having a bit of trouble with these people?
my-crow-soft> he forgot to take his gincogen.. so he was a bit weak this evening.
my-crow-soft> i need your help.. my area needs spotting...
Cthulhu> No wait... I'm Hercules... no wait Glockus.... Hercules... Glockus.....
BEMaven> i think he is a professional Hercules impersonator... available for parties.
my-crow-soft> ahh the multiple personalities of hercules, years later it would pay off however.
BEMaven> spotted area, Crow? that can't be healthy.
BEMaven> ...except for Dalmatians.
Rolaid> Here comes the hip hop rock 'n roll solo that made it a part of the 'American Pop' movie on AMC.
Cthulhu> When does the Tulsa Doom turn into the snake and they start serving finger soup?
Rolaid> "My Glockus, My Hercules" sung by Earth Goddess.
BEMaven> with Italy's rich cultural history, you'd think they'd know how to build sets that were convincing.
Rolaid> It doesn't work very well when you continually sword fight with the same thrust.
Rolaid> Ugh! I just said Thrust in a hercules movie!
* Rolaid cries.
Ironf> Nice to see they aren't ashamed of wearing girdles.
BEMaven> he's Hercules until someone stronger comes along.
my-crow-soft> were people stupid back then? i mean their leaders were women...
BEMaven> i never suspected that the Greeks invented the beehive hairdo.
Rolaid> Guys, wasn't there Moloch somewhere?
Ironf> no.
Ironf> It was all a rumor.
BEMaven> "each of you will be chained with one of these unfortunate girls."
my-crow-soft> huh... that was weird.
my-crow-soft> i sorta like that part of their culture.
Ironf> He has to use that much aftershave cause he doesn't wash well.
Rolaid> Speak of the Devi-er, Moloch.
my-crow-soft> i want kibbles and bits.
Ironf> He might want to look into getting a pair of fingernail clippers for that.
Rolaid> So, anyone feeling suspenseful?
my-crow-soft> agh. he has a open leg mini-skirt....
BEMaven> and he comes in thru the doggy door.
my-crow-soft> yes... ultimate frisbee is on!
Ironf> Ohh sorry, this movie was actually Herculoids vs. Moloch. It's just that Gloop and Gleek are busy.
my-crow-soft> and musical chairs begins.
BEMaven> from this evolved the game tetherball.
Rolaid> He got the prop sword Herc broke!
my-crow-soft> ahh... see what happens when you don't use the new steel?
Rolaid> What's the point of this game again?
my-crow-soft> who breaks the most aluminum objects.
Rolaid> I think Herglockules won then.
BEMaven> all the weapons in this movie are crap. didn't they learn anything in the Bronze Age?
my-crow-soft> music by the John F Kennedy Junio High School Band.
BEMaven> does she really need a warrior who busts all his gear?
Rolaid> Oh, there's a war going on somewhere too, no relevance to this movie though.
Rolaid> Herc made whoopee!
Rolaid> And he didn't even have to take off his pants.
THX-1138> Nice football padding.
Rolaid> Moloch!
Rolaid> Our title villain!
my-crow-soft> sackranage? that's sacking something ?
BEMaven> "you've inherited a king's throne when your Father passed one?"
my-crow-soft> now wait... that guy just has brooms on his helmet.
THX-1138> Wow, his cod piece is actually made from the scales of a cod.
my-crow-soft> ahh..ah..ahahahahaha..... ha-hah-ha... not much of a song.
Ironf> That's Aquaman, THX, so that's to be expected.
Rolaid> So, he can break a prop sword, pull out cement blocks and break chains, but he can't break down the door?
my-crow-soft> what hercules really needs is spinach..
BEMaven> if it's an Earth goddess, why is he looking at the sky?
Ironf> please don't rub your body like that, extra in green.
BEMaven> cheap swords, cheap shields, cheap bars. the metalsmiths in this movie should be hung.
Ironf> cheap acting.
Rolaid> Wilbur!!
Rolaid> Cheap whores.
my-crow-soft> mr. ed was their highest paid actor.
BEMaven> "to the horses"? she was standing next to one!
Ironf> It's an exciting race. Who will win, Ed or Francis?
THX-1138> Marvin the Martian, you will take Hercules in the valley.
Rolaid> "And away from my semen?"
THX-1138> Engage the enemy in heavy contact?
BEMaven> i understand. you divide your army in 3 parts...head, torso, and legs.
Rolaid> Okay, Herc is in Movie A, Glockus is in Movie B, the War is in Movie C
THX-1138> This is nothing like the end of Glory.
my-crow-soft> the retreat theme is pop goes the weasel.
Rolaid> Oh no, they killed Mister Ed!!
my-crow-soft> actually it was a stunt double.
THX-1138> And who's is Moloch?
my-crow-soft> mr ed doesn't do stunts...
Ironf> He's the jackal guy you haven't seen yet.
BEMaven> not so much a Clash of the Titans as a Clash of the Tight Asses.
Rolaid> No, the Jackal is another one of Herc's personalities.
my-crow-soft> so this is like 100's of 10 minute movies combined together?
BEMaven> Moloch is either Scooby Doo or Astro.
my-crow-soft> or dino.
Ironf> Tiny Lister plays no part in this film.
BEMaven> panty raid. and only the guys are wearing them.
Rolaid> They're slowly storming the castle.
my-crow-soft> the butt pirates are here.
Rolaid> Wasn't Hercules somewhere in this movie?
BEMaven> i thought his name was herclock.
Ironf> No, it was Swell Guy.
Rolaid> Oh, it's "Herglockules".
Rolaid> Someone, shoot me, now.
Rolaid> please.
Ironf> That's bad doggie breath.
THX-1138> It's ladies night down in Moloch's cave.
my-crow-soft> i would think that some good music would make this movie better.. like some r&b into this...
my-crow-soft> maybe some new age metal.
Rolaid> It's the Devil Doll!!
BEMaven> it's Tatoo and he's grown.
Ironf> Two thumbs up.
my-crow-soft> it's Paul Allen.
Rolaid> Ladies and Gentlemen, our title fight scene.
BEMaven> so the Myceans worshiped a pumped-up Troll doll.
Rolaid> Who knows, burning his face might actually improve it.
BEMaven> Moloch is another name for barbecue ribs.
THX-1138> We'll never go hungry again!
Ironf> Come git some.

Get Ready For... THE MIGHTY HERCULES!

There has been considerable speculation as to why this cartoon, riddled with potentially lewd undertones, ever saw the light of day in the early Sixties. One theory suggests that Hans D. Lux, a successful operator of Danish theme parks, wanted to create a cartoon franchise to rival Walt Disney's Magic Kingdom. In a hastily organized Copenhagen studio, Lux's animators conceived of a formidable, dark-haired Aryan warrior and dressed him in a powder blue, single-shoulder sarong with a micro-mini hemline and revealing side slits. To make him easily recognizable from a distance, they added a decorative cummerbund and strappy black sandals. In a nod to feminine viewers, this incarnation of Hercules was compelled to wear a fabulous ring in order to retain his godly powers on Earth. Lux wanted the cartoon to be the centerpiece of a prime time show titled "The Real Manly Children's Playhouse"... but the deal fell through when Mary Martin declined his offer to act as host. Ultimately, "The Mighty Hercules" received only limited exposure in the syndicated television market and 25 cent movie booths.

The Giant Bored with endless Toughman Competitons, Hercules descends from Mount Olympus to Ancient Greece where he can look at life from both sides now. Responding to the entreaties of Helena the Shaver, Herc squares off against a 30 foot wino and a pet dragon that can shoot blue flamers from both ends.

THX-1138> Whoo hoo!
* Rolaid cries.
* Rolaid rips his eyes out.
my-crow-soft> hercules.. he has fun destroying the sun.
THX-1138> Iron in his thighs?
my-crow-soft> iron in his thighs.. how did you get there ironf ?
THX-1138> It's the Ambigously Gay Duo!
THX-1138> "Here I come Theseus!"
THX-1138> STOP THE SCROLL!
Ironf> "Get pumped at..."
THX-1138> Oh, this is like Wings of Desire.
Rolaid> So Hercules strength comes from a ring?
Rolaid> WAH!!!
Rolaid> I just saw up herc's skirt!!
BEMaven> incoming batch shot.
my-crow-soft> he also doesn't shave.
Ironf> 'Don't be afraid, I don't like females.'
BEMaven> he's like Sailor Moon, Rol. draws power from jewelry and make-up.
Ironf> GPS upcoming.
THX-1138> "Beat it before I send my dragon along."
Ironf> "After I take care of your dragon, I'll take care of you."
my-crow-soft> dino !
BEMaven> hhhroooo! godzilla!
Rolaid> Noooo!!!! He just killed Puff the Magic Dragon!!
THX-1138> Oh nooo, he got stuck up the dragons ass.
Ironf> Herc's Theme sung by Johnny Nash.

The Many-Headed Hydra Newton, that loveable, pony-riding centaur, works another scam by organizing the first Renaissance Festival in Ancient Greece. When the Three-Headed Hydra of Hock crashes the gate, it's up to Hercules to save the day with the Giant Lemon Peeler of Dionysus. His task is made more tiresome by color commentary from peasants in the peanut gallery.

Rolaid> NOT ANOTHER ONE!!!!!!!
BEMaven> "hero of thong and glory?"
Rolaid> Puff's back!
BEMaven> in the Learning Forest?
Ironf> I like how you can always tell what part is gonna move cause it's a different color than the rest of the object.
BEMaven> if that's anything like the weapons in the previous flick, herc is dead meat.
Rolaid> Shoot me.
Ironf> I bet he rides him before the cartoon is over.
Rolaid> Please, for the love of god.
BEMaven> centaurs = load.
THX-11384> "A good stiff breeze should send it back where it came from."
BEMaven> what the hell, does this fight have a ref?
Rolaid> You know, if these people would shut up, Herc might actually see what's coming at him.
my-crow-soft> that's some banging goin on.
BEMaven> same crappy weapons. How did we ever make it to the Dark Ages?
Ironf> please sir, may I have another?

The Minotaur Disguised as an LA Lakers Girl, a monstrous half-man, half-bull slips into the Castle of Calgon and steals the Ceremonial Plunger. To retrieve it, Hercules and his Swedish hobby-horse Newton must brave the Maze of Careless Freudian Associations.

Rolaid> Another one???
BEMaven> "fighting for the Reich?"
my-crow-soft> a bull with a bitch skirt.
BEMaven> i'm bullish on coups.
my-crow-soft> that sounds like Zorak.
Rolaid> It's herc, and his mighty stallion!
THX-11384> Shazam!
Ironf> That's actually a cock ring.
BEMaven> that Minotaur runs like a screaming femme.
THX-11384> "Into my endless maze, where no man can ever get out."
my-crow-soft> it's the deadly fart.
THX-11384> It's a giant money shot!
Ironf> The Cocoon of Cletus?
THX-11384> All it ever wanted was to be loved.
Rolaid> "The royal seal! The Royal Seal!"
Ironf> That is such a butt plug.
BEMaven> i don't get it. did Alfalfa get reincarnated as a centaur?
Rolaid> IF they play one more damn Herc cartoon, I'll kill myself.

The Official Theme Song
(With a Special Dedictation from singer / composer Johnny Nash to Rolaid)

Hercules... hero of song and story.
Hercules... winner of ancient glory.

Fighting for the right... fighting with his might.
With the strength of ten... ordinary men.

Hercules... people are safe when near him.
Hercules... only the evil fear him.

Softness in his eyes... iron in his thighs.
Virtue in his heart... fire in every part...
Of the Mighty Hercules!

OLYMPIAAAAA!