SPREADSHEETS
SPREADSHEETS
Directed by William ("Elephant Walk") Dieterle
Written by Barre ("Conquest Of Space") Lyndon
Produced by Frank ("The Naked Jungle") Freeman Jr.
MOVIE
With the breathless finesse of a leaf blower in a poker game, Hollywood runs another historic figure through the pulp mill to produce a distorted pasteboard melodrama. The victim this time is the ancient Persian scholar officially known as Abu al-Fath Omar ben Ibrahim al-Khayyam, portrayed by either Cornel Wilde or Troy Tempest. Hailed as the greatest poet of the Sun Bloc Dynasty, Omar still misses out on the royal perks, such as receiving the heads of your enemies in a big recipe box. Worst still, his beloved Sharain, played either by Deborah Paget or Barbie's New Friend, is betrothed to the Shah of Persia, played by either Raymond Massey or Jed Clampett. Omar's response to these dire tidings is a protracted tantrum. He pours wine on the palace floor, shuns the advances of an obliging slave girl, and fusses over a new calendar format. When the dreaded Cult of Assassins vows to kill a prominent sheik by midnight, Omar grudgingly donates the use of his clock. His eventually tires of sitting on the sidelines and slips into the Assasssin's fortress, utitlizing his vague resemblance to a movie star. Happily, his visit coincides with the daily tour of the fortress' weak spots. Mixing together generous portions of naphtha, limestone, and a combination of 11 herbs and spices, Omar whips up a fresh batch of Greek Fire and leaves it with the Assassins durinng a potluck siege. As the enemy fortress is reduced to the geological equivalent of fondue, the conveniently dying Shah releases his claim to Sharain in hopes Omar will quit pouting. During a droning recital of his collected works, Omar's visage is spread across the afternoon sky...much like the Teenager From Outer Space.
I COUNT THE DAYS
Balthayzr> Not Vincent Price, but an incredible simulation!
BEMaven> Why is he padding his bra on the outside?
Balthayzr> Ceiling done in Early Egg Carton.
surfacedweller> He's the Sultan of Swing!
Plumm> - - And now I really must go pee.
surfacedweller> - - There is a good actor we cannot be.
BEMaven> funny how it rhymes in English.
* Balthayzr gives BEM a babel fish.
Plumm> There once was a man named Dave,
Plumm> who stored dead whores in his cave.
Plumm> He must admit,
Plumm> it smelled like shit.
Plumm> But think of the money he saved!
BEMaven> With that face, Cornel Wilde should have been a Thunderbird marionette.
my-crow-soft> we'll just sit on the floor i guess.. no chairs left..
Balthayzr> So, he gave the Sultan head?
my-crow-soft> yei, bill gate's head!
Balthayzr> He named his brother Two-Tush? Why?
Balthayzr> "Why do they stay so close to your back?" "Well, this one's a Greek...."
surfacedweller> There's too much damn commaradarie in this movie... someone kill someone!!!
BEMaven> "see yourself for the last time as a maiden." you're holding the mirror in the wrong place.
Balthayzr> And she walks across a pool of Grape Jam, as tradition commands.
surfacedweller> rhubarb, arabic rhubarb.
Balthayzr> Please accept this Turkey Lifter as a token of my affection.
Plumm> Meanwhile, in TECHNICOLOR.
Ironf> Does this have talking fish in it?
Balthayzr> Two-Tush. Soup Turren. Names that will go down in history.
Plumm> and please tell me this other guy is not Sebastian Cabot.
Ironf> CAAAAABBOOOOTTTTTT!
Balthayzr> Burden of a wife? Glad Mrs. Balth was out of the room....
Plumm> I look soft, my lord!
Balthayzr> Collar? Whoo-hoo!!!
surfacedweller> yaffa? are those plastic blocks?
BEMaven> "make yourself a place to sleep". she has to build an addition?
Ironf> Hash!
Plumm> hashish? Who uses that stuff?
BEMaven> Redcaps....first they move your luggage then they kill.
surfacedweller> talk about a clock-watcher!
Ironf> "Bebob"?
surfacedweller> hip-hop?
Balthayzr> The action never stops! First, poetry, then watching a clock work!
Ironf> that was a bit goofy.
Balthayzr> I suppose I would be dead, too, if that guy was laying on me.
BEMaven> 'how about that? my clock was slow.'
surfacedweller> assassins must be easy to spot if they all wear red caps.
Balthayzr> I think the Dress Code for Assassins isn't having the effect they wanted.
Plumm> Omar's getting comfy, isn't he?
Ironf> Ahh he poured off a bit of his 40 for his homies.
Plumm> Dude, Omar is so high.
Balthayzr> Why is Omar drinking out of the Bacon Grease can?
Ironf> This isn't a very good prequel to Boogie Nights.
my-crow-soft> you know it might just be that they are not arabic... nah..
my-crow-soft> why would they make a movie with people that
are not arabic... it's silly.
Balthayzr> Can Omar just *say* something? Why does everything have to be an Acceptance Speech?
Ironf> This is the best game of Risk EVER!
Balthayzr> Hannibal had elephants, this clown has flying rats.
Go figure.
Plumm> Osama En Vogue-Ladin!
Balthayzr> You will love my new calander. I took all the Mondays out of it, and put in an extra Saturday!
BEMaven> This cast is oddly pale. Has all of Persian kept out of the sun?
Balthayzr> The drone Arabs often fight over the right to rule the Arabic Hive.
Ironf> Ohh the Shat dropkick.
Balthayzr> StarTrekFightMusic.wav
surfacedweller> rhubarb, fight rhubarb.
Balthayzr> Sleeper Hold!
surfacedweller> I didn't know Arabs wore slacks back then.
BEMaven> now hand him a folding chair.
Balthayzr> Just pull the donkey's tail. It's how all these episodes end.
surfacedweller> So before they can fight, they have to fight.
Balthayzr> 'I have next shot at the title!'
surfacedweller> I have next shot at the queen.
BEMaven> two heads, dipped in wax and honey. but how many grams of fat?
surfacedweller> please tell her to stop that singing!
Plumm> so who won the bitchslap fight of succession?
BEMaven> yes, he can wait. slaves depreciate in value.
Balthayzr> Mind available seperately.
Balthayzr> Wed his Yaffa? Is that some Euphamism for some odd sexual act?
Plumm> Some freak tried to wed his yaffa blocks and was taken to the emergency room.
Balthayzr> This movie has more Instant-Tan lotion than a Hogan family reunion.
Ironf> Hash!
Plumm> ish!
surfacedweller> The center is "A La Mode"?
Balthayzr> Assassins and terrorists from Syria? Since when?
Plumm> for those of you playing along at home, each drug ref is a bong hit.
* Plumm exhales.
Balthayzr> Take this money to UNICEF?
Balthayzr> Here, hold my sack.
Ironf> That's naughty.
BEMaven> uh, Omar, should you be wearing a yarmukel?
surfacedweller> Lynda Carter's got it goin' on!!!
Balthayzr> Uh, why does she have a gold-plated Windmill Cookie around her neck?
surfacedweller> Wow, an outdoor shot!
* Balthayzr laughs as the foley artist has the horse canter up the mountain.
BEMaven> A matte painting. What cunning camouflage.
Balthayzr> Wow. We just learned about roman rocks!
Ironf> Was that a Rolling Rock?
Balthayzr> Am I hearing Ted cassidy?
Ironf> Who's voice is that? They've done other things too.
BEMaven> "I heard of a rock with many arches." Those lousy McDonald franchises.
BEMaven> One of those assassins sounded like Mel Cooley.
surfacedweller> It's The Chief!!!
Balthayzr> He's right, it's the guy from Get Smart!
* Ironf lowers the dome of silence.
BEMaven> Oh, piss Shah!
Balthayzr> Bizzare women are the easiest to sell.
* Balthayzr buys a dozen.
Ironf> We use it to clean furniture.
surfacedweller> Would you believe...6 secret chants?
BEMaven> ..and thus began the fine tradition of villains revealing
how to destroy their fortress.
Ironf> What does the juggling guy have to do with the Koran?
surfacedweller> Wow! He can juggle 2 balls!
Balthayzr> While holding his sack.
surfacedweller> Ok, it's SEVEN!!! I GET IT!!!
Ironf> Dogpile on the new guy!
surfacedweller> They took 7 hits of hashish.
Ironf> They've got 7 tickets to paradise.
Balthayzr> This looks like a Trek set, but without the realistic walls.
Ironf> 'Damn I'm swarthy.'
Balthayzr> The Grand Master lives in a giant wicker basket?
BEMaven> 'may your shadow cover the earth...fatso.'
surfacedweller> Nice plumage.
BEMaven> he wrote the calendar on his T-shirt?
Ironf> And get this, his week has 7 days.
Plumm> GODDAM ILLUMINATI!
Ironf> "Fame is a breath on the wind" what?
Plumm> it means fame is transcendent in time.
Plumm> or something.
Plumm> Goddam, do we have wait for the end before Omar gets some dreds and works for MSNBC?
BEMaven> "once I have showed myself in Neeshapur."
Is that a fabric?
Balthayzr> Does Ma Lick work for two-Tush?
Plumm> Omar just really really wants to build the wolrd's biggest sundial.
Plumm> ON BELAY?!
Balthayzr> Uh, yer gonna set a mountain on fire? Here, work
on yer calander some more...
BEMaven> uh, is limestone flammable?
Balthayzr> It is when it's really a styrofoam set, BEM.
BEMaven> If he unearths fissionable uranium next, I quit.
Balthayzr> And they dig into the Batcave.
BEMaven> and they run into Ro-Man.
surfacedweller> Couldn't they just light the assassins? They seem pretty oily.
Balthayzr> Cliff Diving!
surfacedweller> She might be okay.
Ironf> plop.
Balthayzr> 'I'm not cleaning this up.'
Plumm> ROCK AND ROLL, PERSIA!
Ironf> Not very good mortar.
surfacedweller> "When the suns first rays strike the gold dome..." Who wrote this crap?
Ironf> Omar.
Plumm> So Omar basically wanders around ordering all his old friends killed, then.
Ironf> Break on through, to the other side.
BEMaven> Why not release the babe to Omar right now? what a goof.
Balthayzr> That we may make the Beast with 2 Backs.
BEMaven> I didn't learn that in math, Balth
Balthayzr> It was extra credit.
surfacedweller> Black gold, Texas tea.
BEMaven> "more limestone!"
Balthayzr> Limestone not only burns, it explodes.
BEMaven> "more limestone!" he's building a Japanese rock garden.
Ironf> Boom baby boom, yeah yeah yeah.
BEMaven> oooohhh, ahhhhhhh.
Plumm> The Leaning Mountain of Arabia.
BEMaven> more limestone!
* surfacedweller pukes into his trashcan.
Plumm> I'm dead now. Don't drink mead.
Balthayzr> All hail Omar, the rock-burner! The pigeon-tamer and calander-maker!
Ironf> That was a pretty good show for HGing.
BEMaven> yes, but it needed more limestone.
RUG BEATERS
"I must bend to the right of a King."
"See yourself for the last time as a maiden."
"They are users of hashish."
"The day I came, I brought 2 noble heads..."
"I heard of a rock with many arches."
"May your shadow cover the earth."
"I would have filled your mouth with pearls..."
"To think that my fate depends on these little birds."
"More limestone!"
METER READERS
In some unfathomable way, characters who dissolve into a special effect for a movie's finale are often stirred to write poetry. Omar Khayyam was not the only one in our MST realm to succumb
to the Muses...
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Ro-Man (Robot Monster)
I cannot...yet I must.
No Calcinator dust |
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Derek (Teenager From Outer Space)
Farwell Sparky...
Farwell Humans... |
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Mother Abbie (Guiding force behind the 'The Stand')
Dream in seas of corn |
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Thrill as Omar struggles to create a new calendar in a lair of Assassins!
The reformation of the Moslem calendar was a collaborative effort involving a number of experts. Omar was an important contributor but not the sole author.
Watch in awe as Omar unleashes the fury of Greek Fire!
The Byzantine Greeks kept the formula for their incendiary liquid a state secret, prefering not to share it with their Persian adversaries. One of the supposed ingredients was lime...not limestone.
Cheer as our hero brings down the Assassin's stronghold!
As a fanatical band of Shiite extremists, the Assassins continued to operate well past Omar Khayyam's death.
See for the first time the amazing adventures of Persia's Superstar Poet!
In his own time, Omar was more famous for his exceptional skills in mathematics and astronomy than his poetry. The most popular English adaptation of his poems, done by Edward Fitzgerald in the 19th century, has been assailed by some scholars as a distortion of the original writings.
Never forget what you learned here today...Hollywood is a seething hotbed of vicious lies. Always consult the HomeGame archives for distortions you can trust.