AARON NORRIS ANY BETTER??
Directed by: Erik Carson
Written by: Paul "Morgan Stewart's Coming Home" Aaron, Leigh Chapman
Chuck Norris was bitten by an acting bug while at a kung-fu demonstration. This bug imbued Chuck with the power of kung-fu fighting, a semi-decent wardrobe, and the power to star in a bunch of films and tv shows. It also gave him the strange power of Chucky-Sense (tm) , this allows him to sense danger, by hearing a super reverbed voice in his head. Unfortunately, he didn't gain the power of acting, which is why we gathered here today. It really is a pity since he has been in a bunch of films and shows and such, you think he would have learnt how to act by now, but I guess all that kung-fu training eats up his time or something. Whatever.
BryanL> American "Wakka" Cinema.
mgrasso> whoa! peter tork!
BryanL> Chuck during his "red" phase.
KevinL> He's scanning us!
mgrasso> cheech and chong's commando camp
BryanL> Ah, yes. The great Irish Wetbacks of the 80's.
Bice> Hey, I paid for the accent lessons, I'm usin' 'em
BryanL> You know what they say, if it ain't garrote, don't fix it.
Bice> Patty Hearst, the Hollywood years.
Ironf> That's a lot of hair he has
mgrasso> you know, they shouldn't have put the quaaludes next to the m&m's in chuck's trailer.
BryanL> Scott "Peter" Jennings, kicking ass on the evening news.
Bice> Sparkling dialog. First date always requires the use of the phrase "throwing up".
BryanL> I like the way you incorporated the martial arts into your moustache, Chuck.
mgrasso> wow! his spidey-sense is tingling!
BryanL> Chuck's spid... damn. Shouldn't have been eating salad.
Bice> First time in the house, but he knows exactly where the fuse box is.
MrBooze> The voices in Chuck's head are at it again.
KevinL> Maybe he should turn down the reverb level on his inner monologue.
KevinL> If you reveal our location I will personally gouge out you eyes and skull-fuck you!!!
BryanL> Hey, a few hours is enough for Chuck to have sex with her 20, 30 times.
mgrasso> "have you hugged your ninja today?"
Ironf> Cleef has an ear-ring. He's with the times
BryanL> Not an earring, actually... it's a quick release catch for his brain.
Bice> Sure, I hand my car over to strangers every day.
mgrasso> physics takes a holiday in... "the octagon!"
Ironf> Now he stalks her, just like he does with all future dates
mgrasso> meanwhile, on the set of "hammer"
Ironf> will he escape the maze of fertilizer bags?!!
mgrasso> labyrinth. starring the cruel elegance of david bowie.
BryanL> Just like a ninja to bring a garrote to a knife fight.
Bice> You outta be more careful who you talk to - you could end up talking to Lee Van Cleef
mgrasso> i love the nebulous term "terrorists" in this movie.
mgrasso> in 1979, "terrorist" = "iranian"
KevinL> 1997: "terrorist" = "any vaguely middle easterner" or "Russian Mafia"
mgrasso> kenny loggins, no!
* KevinL takes note of all the meaningful numerological confluences of the number 8 that show up in "The Octagon".
BryanL> Like Chuck's eight facial expressions.
BryanL> Sure, six of them are "stern", but still...
Ironf> or 8 words he knows
KevinL> Well, actually, he's only got 1, but that's 8 -divided by- 8. See?
Ironf> If you look out the window Chuck, you can see where the ninja are pretending to be a hedge
KevinL> It's no real surprise that Chuck's inner monologue consists of short, stilted, incomplete sentences.
BryanL> You know, Nick Hammond looks at that guys hair and says, "Damn, that's big 70's hair."
MrBooze> He's got to change back into Dr Detroit now.
BryanL> Hey, Chuck, ask your buddy Rich Hall to do a Sniglet!
mgrasso> meanwhile, meaningless training continues
MrBooze> Oh, he's French. Kill him.
mgrasso> ah, the frenchie's gonna buy it.
Ironf> This is an old school ass whipping
mgrasso> more of this movie takes place in hotel lounges
BryanL> Man, the foley guy's completely out to lunch in this movie, isn't he.
mgrasso> so, ninja training school consists of tapping each other lightly with bamboo sticks and witnessing your classmates die horribly? ok.
Ironf> Japanese Gladiators really didn't take off like the American version did, did it?
mgrasso> it's Marlboro man auditions
Ironf> Why is Jack Hanna hiring mercs?
mgrasso> he's sick of the monkeys pissing on him.
BryanL> Kev, I think we should start a campaign to become the official Milk and Cheese of the Homegame.
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* MrBooze senses the imminent arrival of "Milk"
Milk> Sense THIS!
* Milk hits Booze with broken bottle
MrBooze> Everyone knows that milk and booze don't mix.
Ironf> Is Cleef Chuck's very own Jack Flack?
Milk> Chuck's actually interested in a furburger.
Ironf> You must first wear these fabulous fur underwear.
MrBooze> That's a much better chest wig than Austin Powers had.
Milk> Try to keep up, we go even faster during the movie. :)
* Milk realizes that emoticons are way, way, WAY out of character for Milk.
mgrasso> hmm. the concept of riffing is alien to so many of our special guests
mgrasso> so... who's more psycho, guys, this chick or margot kidder?
Cheese> See, you can only get there in a special car powered by oral sex, and they always make me drive.
MrBooze> She died as she lived...with something sliding down her throat.
mgrasso> booze no! foul!
* Milk is cracking up too hard to call foul on Booze
mgrasso> chuck takes more phone calls than shaft.
mgrasso> but, alas, without the turtlenecks, there's no comparison.
Milk> Random scenes of the French will be included to fuck with your mind.
Ironf> The famous French faction of Ninja
Ironf> screw ninja, cleef uses a gun
Cheese> It's pretty sad to be a ninja who gets his ass kicked by Dwight Yoakam.
Ironf> Where in the world is *ugh* Ninja Joe!
SirDude> Let's see how many more sceens we can put into this movie where Chuck Norris isn't wearing his shirt.
mgrasso> what kind of a psycho sleeps in khakis?
SirDude> He stumbles onto a Vietnamese POW camp.
Ironf> So, just like a Marvel superhero movie, we get to wait till the last 15 mins before we see Chuck in full ninja mode
mgrasso> i like the authentic ancient japanese hi-fi on the shelf there
Ironf> Oddly enough, it was made in America Grasso
mgrasso> if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the cleef-team
Cheese> All their ninja training and it still eventually degrades into an old-school beat-down.
mgrasso> after this, there'll be logrolling and strongman competitions.
Milk> Ladies and gentlemen, the ending to every Sho Kosugi movie ever.
Milk> Sai, are those Bugle Boy hakama you're wearing?
mgrasso> he's the iron samurai sheik
Milk> Katana Hot Tin Roof
Ironf> Use the sleeper!
mgrasso> figure 4!
Milk> Kick, punch, it's all in the mind!
Cheese> Do the eye gouge, you turkeyneck!
Milk> Ninja been gedde gedde good to me.
MrBooze> I miss Chuck's whisper-overs
Milk> So, it's day, and it's night, and it's sunrise, and its midafternoon, and it's red, and it's over?
Cheese> Yes. End. Over. Right. Cover me. You hard bastards.
MrBooze> I learned...um...
mgrasso> I learned lee van cleef is not nearly as believable without a small furry pet... norris doesn't count
Milk> I learned that an octagon has eight sides, and that Tim Conway starred as Sheik Weezer Ceezar Pizza Pizza Deezen, or some damn thing.
Cheese> I learned that if it's an octagon, that means it sucks 8 times worse than anything else.
Ironf> I learned that Chuck has a very serious mental problem that he probably needs to get checked right away.
SirDude> I learned that Chuck Norris has so much chest hair that it looks like he's wearing a sweeter.
MrBooze> I learned that the guy from Conan the Destroyer played Frog in Best of the West
Billy Cardwell's Ironf-Sense is on the blink