x132 NIGHTMARES (6/5/98)

MOVIE
It's four, four, four stories in one. Inspired by (read: "ripped off from") Creepshow and TZ, this is a movie that keeps giving you more even when as you beg for mercy. Our first piece was written by a 12-year-old kid at a boy scout campout. It's the classic tale of a woman and her psycho, who get hounded by Helpy Helperson and his friends. The psycho is in the back seat, so while getting gas, the guy tells the lady her credit card is no good and he needs her to call in about it. She gets out and kills him. Our second piece, and sadly the most entertaining, has Emilio Sheen trying to get the high score on a video game in order to impress all the hotties that hang at the arcade, and you know they do. And in classic movie tradition, the game comes to life and eats him. The third piece stars Lance Henriksen as a small town priest that has lost his faith. And you know as well as I do that when you lose your faith, the first thing that usually happens is that a mysterious black pick-up truck starts stalking you. In the end, he hits the truck with some holy water and calls Peter Watts or something. Lastly we have the obligatory giant rat story. Seems a family has rat trouble when the giant rat comes looking for her kid that was killed in an hunting accident earlier that week. Good thing these people never throw away dead rats they catch. They give it back and the rat leaves. 'Nuff said. Excelsior!

BUY A FEW COMICS AND YOU TOO CAN MAKE A FILM

BryanL> It was a dark and fakey night.
SirDude> A movie with chapters?
BryanL> So, basically, this is a crappy Creepshow ripoff.
Plumm> which was a crappy ripoff of old Twilight Zone eps
BryanL> I'm not going to give you a ticket, miss, because I can see your nipples.
MrBooze> Rady! Are you Razy? Rere's a Raniac out Rere!
BryanL> You know, thanks to the stirring "cigarettes" scene, when these people are all brutally murdered, we'll really care.
THX-1138> Why does there seem to be some guy flipping through a girlie mag in a store in these movies
BryanL> And now... it's time for... Brak's! Tales! Of! Suspense!
Plumm> And there on the door . . . was a PROSTHETIC ARM, which she was able to pawn for 70 bucks, so it was actually a pretty good night for her.
Balthayzr> Uh, you're supposed to dispose of used oil, not put it in yer hair...
THX-1138> And Bob Newhart wakes up.
Plumm> Can I write a screenplay where some guy microwaves a cat and get it produced, then?
Ironf> So he is hustling video games?
MrBooze> This is the worst version of West-side story I've ever seen.
Plumm> I heard whenever you beat the bishop, the saints cover it up and send him to another diocese.
Balthayzr> Careful, his magic hairnet gives him +5 against weiner hustlers...
MrBooze> JJ runs back to the safe confines of the white man's arcade.
Balthayzr> Geez, in Last Starfighter, they didn't get this worked up about videogames...
* dungarees ' teenage self swoons over Emilio's 80s' manliness
Plumm> it's that Tek, Booze. Shatners been pushing it on the Sheen kids.
monkeyfingers> "Come on J.J. let's play an easier game like, smack the salami."
Balthayzr> Gee, dad's a boozehound. Whoda thunk?
MrBooze> The tribulations of the young video warrior in a society that just doesn't understand.
Plumm> He's not in to chicks. he's into beating the bishop.
BryanL> You know, if Chapter One is an urban legend, and Chapter Two is a crappy videogame parable, how bad are Chapters 3 or 4 going to be?
dungarees> This movie had better fucking have Burgess Merideth or somebody's going to die
Ironf> Wow look at the machine jerk around. He really beat the bishop hard
dungarees> This was the first videogame into which you could insert your own joystick, if you know what I mean
Balthayzr> You know, I had a similar experience with Donkey Kong...
Ironf> Did Mario come after you too?
MrBooze> Yeah, this happened to me while I was playing Pengo once.
dungarees> Notice the ragged breathing and the elevated pulse...the unmistkeable signs of the chronic geek masturbator.
Balthayzr> And there, on the joystick, was....A HOOK!!!
Ironf> man Chris Carter steals everything
Balthayzr> He didn't beat his bishop, he hoed his snake.
Plumm> Father Black: The Absent-Minded Priest.
Ironf> Man these last 10-15 years have been pretty hard on Lance's face
Plumm> Wow, this paralells his later doubts about the Millennium Group.
THX-1138> I'm having some blood of christ and altar boys over at my place later. You wanna stop by?
Balthayzr> Why is father traveling across the country? Does he turn into a big green monster during confessions?
dungarees> The Impala. The true sign of a manly man.
Ironf> Odd that Lance wasn't in the Beating the Bishop chapter
THX-1138> It's the Wraith pick up truck
Plumm> Frank Black IS Kevin Bacon!
THX-1138> I believe that truck is now starring in Team Knight Rider
monkeyfingers> I think that guy just made some holy water in his pants
Plumm> So, disbelief saved him.
Plumm> I actually like that moral.
Ironf> Lance you can drive my car, but Satan I love you. beep beep....beep beep yeah!
THX-1138> Nice pimpmobile.
Balthayzr> So, somebody read a lot of Stephen King short stories while working on this, huh?
Ironf> And huffed a lot of paint thinner
THX-1138> Cat's thinking, I was a star! I was in Strays dammit!
Balthayzr> Rat on a String! Fun for kids of all ages!!
THX-1138> Plunge that sink you dirty whore.
Plumm> She's throwing away money by not selling kitty to Barth.
Balthayzr> Dial-a-rat. Call and talk to a real rat expert. Pick up the Phone!!
Ironf> They made these movies from a pick-your-path book, didn't they?
Plumm> Must be those new Africanized killer rats.
MrBooze> It's saying: "Cheez-its. I want a large box or the kid gets it."
THX-1138> It wants Richard Geere
Balthayzr> I learned I need to gather all anthology movies and burn them for the good of mankind.
monkeyfingers> I learned that if you beat the bishop to much then you have the weirdest nightmares
MrBooze> I learned that Ford trucks can burrow underground.
Ironf> I learned that last segment was really something else. Exactly what? Only time will tell
THX-1138> I learned that my "good" dreams are more frightening than what Hollywoord thinks are nightmares.
dungarees> I learned that Lance Henriksen was the model for the original Howdy Doody puppet
MrBooze> I learned that driving in the rain is scarier than this.
Balthayzr> I learned ripping off bad Steven King stories does not make a good movie.
MrBooze> I learned that just about every story can be distilled down to the essence of "night of the rat"

COLD SWEATS

Featurette Titles
"The Stranger"
"The Bishop of Battle"
"The Benediction"
"Night of the Rat"

"You wanna play esse?"
"I got a pocket full of quarters and I'm headin' to the arcade...
"Now jack up the downs jones"
"They're animals! They can't do this!!!"

STORY TIME


Once upon a time (75 million years ago to be more precise) there was an alien galactic ruler named Xenu. Xenu was in charge of all the planets in this part of the galaxy including our own planet Earth, except in those days it was called Teegeeack.

Now Xenu had a problem. All of the 76 planets he controlled were overpopulated. Each planet had on average 178 billion people. He wanted to get rid of all the overpopulation so he had a plan.

Xenu took over complete control with the help of renegades to defeat the good people and the Loyal Officers. Then with the help of psychiatrists he called in billions of people for income tax inspections where they were instead given injections of alcohol and glycol mixed to paralyse them. Then they were put into space planes that looked exactly like DC8s (except they had rocket motors instead of propellers).

These DC8 space planes then flew to planet Earth where the paralysed people were stacked around the bases of volcanoes in their hundreds of billions. When they had finished stacking them around then H-bombs were lowered into the volcanoes. Xenu then detonated all the H-bombs at the same time and everyone was killed.

The story doesn't end there though. Since everyone has a soul (called a "thetan" in this story) then you have to trick souls into not coming back again. So while the hundreds of billions of souls were being blown around by the nuclear winds he had special electronic traps that caught all the souls in electronic beams (the electronic beams were sticky like fly-paper).

After he had captured all these souls he had them packed into boxes and taken to a few huge cinemas. There all the souls had to spend days watching special 3D motion pictures that told them what life should be like and many confusing things. In this film they were shown false pictures and told they were God, The Devil and Christ. In the story this process is called "implanting".

When the films ended and the souls left the cinema these souls started to stick together because since they had all seen the same film they thought they were the same people. They clustered in groups of a few thousand. Now because there were only a few living bodies left they stayed as clusters and inhabited these bodies.

As for Xenu, the Loyal Officers finally overthrew him and they locked him away in a mountain on one of the planets. He is kept in by a force-field powered by an eternal battery and Xenu is still alive today.

To learn more, please visit Operation Clambake