x124 NICK FURY: AGENT OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (5/26/98)

MOVIE
Only once in a life time does there come along a being such as David Hasselhoff. There are those that say he is the Anti-christ. Others say he is really talented. Still others say he is a hack. I tend to side with the later folks. I mean look at the stuff this guy puts out. Anyway, he is this big super secret agent guy that has retired, but an old enimies daughter steals her father's frozen body and kills one of Nick's friends. his of course brings him out of retirement. We get to see a crappy android thing for a bit, see Dave try to act cool, and basically that's almost it. THere really isn't a lot of action in this. In the end, the nogoodnics get away as usual. At least he didn't have any secret powers that we had to wait till the last 20 mins to see. BTW did I mention he was a hack?

KIRBY CRIES

BryanL> Zola... Z-O-L-A Zooooola....
nicklby> so ... Dr. Strangelove survived the blast!
Ironf> Stock footage Ahoy!
nicklby> "I sense ... smutty thoughts about Bea Arthur"
Ironf> Poison lipstick
KevinL> Too bad he didn't have rubber lips.
KevinL> Due to the probability that you will become violently ill, viewer discretion is advised.
Ironf> We need some generic super-soldier serum STAT!
BryanL> The Viper. She's come to vipe the vindows.
nicklby> the Intel guys are saving his life
Ironf> Someone get me a blood transfusion from Bruce Banner!
KevinL> He is such a Snake Plissken wannabe.
BryanL> Nick's going to use his notoriously variable stubble to destroy Hydra.
KevinL> So, basically someone shoved a Mag-Lite up his ass.
BryanL> Meanwhile, on the Fakeycarrier...
nicklby> doobie doodie doo!
BryanL> You know, one good BM and Hasslehoff will be just fine.
Ironf> So there is just one extra up in the inside of the truck. What's unusual about a body in the garbage in New York?
nicklby> so, how will the robot double factor into the finale?
Ironf> Much the same as the holographic Snake in the other movie
KevinL> Viper's poison has just given me explosive diarrhea is all.
nicklby> railingspalooza!
BryanL> Oh, yeah. That was Hasslehoff dropkicking.
BryanL> Dropkick courtesy "The Forest Warrior".
Ironf> Funny how they haven't mentioned how he lost his eye. See it was a freak beach accident. He was running and his pecks flew up into his eye.
Ironf> So squinting is cause enough for an eye patch
Ironf> And strapped to that missle is one Captain America
nicklby> you know who would really spice this movie up? Darkman!
Ironf> Could they not hire Forrest Whitaker for that role?
BryanL> So, they talk in their little doctor metaphor code every... fifth line or so?
Alucard> why is every one talking about FF7
Alucard> i beet that game all the time
KevinL> We need a "Chem-7" and a "Portable Chest Film" "Stat"!
BryanL> Hassan... chop!
BryanL> Any particular reason why they all haven't been shot by now?
BryanL> Maybe he should get an oxygen mask without holes in it.
BryanL> Action Hasslehoff!
nicklby> the flying beef wedge!
nicklby> even in a comic book that would have been stupid
BryanL> This is so incredibly climactic.
KevinL> You know, if you turn to Spice, you can hear the exact same sounds.
Ironf> Is the only thing he has is half used cigars?
KevinL> Somebody please tell me this isn't a pilot.
nicklby> oh, no. they're setting up a sequel
BryanL> Not a pilot, but apparently, the Hoffster's signed for at least three more.
Ironf> She's halfway to a decent movie by now
BryanL> God, what the hell could they put in the last six minutes, anyway?
Ironf> The Red Skull waking up
nicklby> cameos from the cast of Baywatch
Ironf> GK walking out and yelling about unauthorized products
nicklby> Nick Fury, giving up cigars? HERETICS!
BryanL> Did we learn anything?
nicklby> I learned that if a movie has a robot double, at some point he's going to be used to try to convince the audience the hero is dead
nicklby> I learned supervillainesses shop at Victoria's Secret
Ironf> I learned that there were many, many better choices for Nick Fury, that and GK surfs the web.
KevinL> I learned that David Hasslehoff can ruin anything, even a Marvel property that automatically starts out sucking.

HOFFISMS

"I'll get that vampire's blood if I have to suck it from her neck."
"Don't you cut me off you comic book cowboy!"
"Let's go kick some Hydra butt."
"No... you just killed my Life Model Decoy."
"Get it, Andrea? Pop-sicle?"
"Score one for the free world."
"She's halfway to China by now."

RECASTING CALL

BryanL> So. More better Nick Furies during Commercial Sign?
BryanL> I vote for the Taco Bell Chihuahua. Much better than Hasslehoff.
nicklby> Bob Denver would have been a betterNick Fury
BryanL> Helen Hunt would have been a better Nick Fury.
KevinL> Garth Brooks would have been a better Nick Fury.
BryanL> Pamela Anderson Lee, however, would have been a worse Nick Fury.
BryanL> But just barely.
KevinL> But would Hasselhoff made a better Barb Wire? I think so.
BryanL> Adrian Zmed... hm. Marginally better Nick Fury.
nicklby> hmm ... here's a tough one. Judd Nelson. Better or worse Nick Fury?
BryanL> Better. His stubble would have been more convincing.
BryanL> Harvey Fierstein. A -much- better Nick Fury.
nicklby> that's right, Popeye would have made a better Nick Fury
Ironf> You know who would have made a kick ass Nick Fury?
Ironf> A young R. Lee Ermey.
Ironf> I think Lance would have made a good Fury
BryanL> I think David Hasslehoff... oh, nevermind.
Ironf> GK better Nick Fury?