x109 LORD OF ILLUSIONS (4/17/98)

MOVIE
In Clive Barker's made for cable, edge-of-your-seat Quantum Leap romantic comedy thriller, Scott Bakula, reprising his role as Sam Beckett, finds himself leaping into the body of Harry D'Amour, a New York private dick. Barker's magnum opus takes us into the deep and dirty world of people with rubber chicken and felching fetishes. Felching, the activity in which so many of today's hip kids and jocks partake, being when someone, having just accomplished anal sex with another, decides to orally extract the product of their union. The head of this felching/chicken fetish cult is Nix, who was forced to resign thirteen years earlier due to a sex scandal involving hot dogs and bologna. The scandal created a chasm and split the cult into two groups: Nix's followers who want to bring cold cuts and meat products into their rubber chicken/felching world, and those wishing to maintain the status quo, a group led by Philippe Swann, the man who deposed Nix. Swann's wife, Dorothea, portrayed by the big assed Famke Janssen (best known as Goldeneye's femme fatale, Anne L. Sects), hires Beckett for protection when the battle between the factions intensifies. When Swann is killed by a cyanide laced rubber chicken, Beckett and Dorothea decide to engage in some rich felching, which allows Barker to show off his skill as a director. Many critics agree Barker's use of sepia filters, lipstick cameras, and slow motion, act in concert to bring a normally boring scene to life. Gene Siskel raved about the intensity "that turned his genitals into a Jello-like quivering mass of flesh" delivered by the scene's most memorable moment - shot from within the prismatic, artery and vein lined colon, the audience is treated to a dizzying display of Bakula's tongue dexterity. Eventually, Sam and Al quash Nix and his followers allowing Sam to leap.

WATCH ME PULL A HOMEGAMER OUT OF MY EAR
Ironf> So is this a remake of Evil Dead 3's opening?
BryanL> Hopefully, the movie will start once we get past all this cinematography.
BryanL> Post-Apocalyptic Batch Shot.
andre4> letterboxed. for your protection.
Ironf> This round will be the Hoedown
BryanL> Clive Barker's The Mod Squad.
BryanL> Buffy's gonna kick all of their asses.
THX-1138EB> These are the lost scenes from Boogie Nights.
andre4> Clive Barker's Jesus Christ Superstar
BryanL> Jump back! Gotta crucify myself!
andre4> WE MADE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BryanL> Why do they have Screen Beans on the walls?
BillBear> Cause Screen Beans RULE Bryan. That and this film was financed by Microsoft.
BillBear> He can TUNE!
THX-1138EB> Just like a Load of Illusion to bring psychic powers to a gun fight.
BillBear> This is the flashback before he becomes Robocop.
BryanL> He's kind of the Ernest Borgnine T-1000, isn't he.
BillBear> Ah, the Medicine Bag. He's going to inject some juju.
dungarees> Oooh...the suit vest and T-shirt. Someone should tell Scott that Phillip Michael Thomas made a mercifully small splash in the fashion world.
BillBear> I gotta get me one of those psychic screwdrivers.
andre4> Clive Barker's Sunset Boulevard 2: Beyond the Portal of Hell
BillBear> The doughy man in the iron mask.
BryanL> Great. Now he's a wrought-iron bar puzzle. I hate those things.
dungarees> Making phrenology work for you.
BryanL> I am Bakula! I don't drink... beer.
BillBear> Listen to them...the children of the insufficient light...what muzak they make.
THX-1138EB> Now chase him around with a phallic sculpture.
BillBear> Was a naked albino man grimacing at McCauley Culkin?
dungarees> I am Dieter..and now is the time on Sprockets when we Toacha!
BryanL> Hey, gay occult guy, Norman Osborn wants his widow's peak back.
andre4> Martin Lawrence in his most chilling role yet.
BryanL> Too scared to die, too full of knives to live.
dungarees> A little lesbian love by the pool, that's what this needs.
Ironf> Not Warhol, just an incredible simulation
BillBear> I make my future with duct tape and plaster of paris.
THX-1138EB> I think that hat crashed in Roswell
dungarees> Man, Dom Deluise gets all the chyx
Ironf> Welcome to Sigfred and Roy!
andre4> I am the lizard pretentious king!
BillBear> You will believe a gay man can fly!
dungarees> And somewhere, Dennis Miller is constipated
THX-1138EB> Ladies and gents...I AM the Phantom of the Opera
andre4> it's sort of like a more pretentious version of that Tick torture chair.
BillBear> This was much funnier when Penn & Teller did it.
dungarees> Only because Teller couldn't scream
THX-1138EB> Always bet on black.
andre4> i mean, when you have bigass swords that fall periodically, you have to expect that sort of thing once in a while.
Ironf> Well he's no Damacles
dungarees> Scott Bakula IS Marcia Brady in Girls Just Wanna Have Fun
andre4> cocaine cut with kool aid!
BillBear> Like sands through the circus geek.
BillBear> Oh, sweet merciful crap, a magicians convention! NOOOOOO!
dungarees> Suddenly, Clive Barker works in a sybaris commercial.
Ironf> And Harry Blackstone Jr. finally snaps
dungarees> walter, i'd love to autoerotically asphixiate you
andre4> Hey, that character actor guy!
dungarees> I can reproduce with a tree shrew....that's how powerful my sperm is
dungarees> This is me. I am the Walrus
THX-1138EB> Sam, there's a 76% chance that you're here to ruin your career.
BillBear> "Hey, what's that in your ear?" "My ear, why not guess what's in MY FIST, YOU PRETENTIOUS FUCK!" WHAM!
BillBear> Scott Bakula is kind of like a beefy Alan Alda.
dungarees> When a mommy diety and a daddy diety hate each other very much, they like to toy with mortals
THX-1138EB> So the grand illusion is that this is a movie?
* Jamie <-- SFCless.
Jamie> Every time I go out for drinks, bowleg sneaks walruses in my apartment and starts fucking them.
andre4> hey, nothing wrong with screwing a walrus in the eyes
Jamie> Good thing they make such damn tasty steaks, andre, or else, i'd be pissed off. andre5> mmm, you taste like that hologram guy
Ironf> And we now interject some sex for your viewing pleasure
pantalones> LEt me guess, farah, you suck people's cocks and you're a slut
farah> oooohhhh...harder please
BillBear> Bullets are an excellent fire retardant.
pantalones> Who would have thought that origami could be such a cool evil superpower?
WhiteKnight> Any Robotech fans here?
BillBear> I'm writing an erotic gay porn story about Roy and Rick Fokker.
andre5> oh, you write gay robotech porn too, Bear? We have more in common than I thought!
THX-1138EB> Bear, I loved your Claudia/Lisa lesbian one
andre5> oh! I had no idea that was you. It was classic. The enema scene brought a tear to my eye!
THX-1138EB> Exactly when does the lording or illusioning happen?
pantalones> He's a crappy god, really. Maybe the god of parsely, but nothing big
BillBear> Of course, since the cleaning lady's dead, no one will ever clean up that mess.
Ironf> Bryan Lambert IS Walter AT Minicon
BillBear> Scott Bakula: funny or not funny floating?
spiroagnew> not funny.
THX-1138EB> not funny
spiroagnew> very very not funny.
Ironf> mildly amusing, but not funny
Ironf> falling to his death.....funny
BillBear> Run! It's the Raimi Cam!
BillBear> Slim Fast makes the pounds just melt off.
pantalones> Why is he giving the wall oral pleasure?
BillBear> A person should never buy comic books from any place where they can not also buy a slurpee.
Ironf> I learned Clive Barker doesn't make that good a horror movie.
BillBear> I learned having a job makes Bow crank.y
THX-1138EB> I learned why I didn't see this movie in the theaters
spiroagnew> I learned that I have a walrus fetish, an undying hate for Clive Barker and Bakula, a headache, and can't sleep.

ILLUSIONARY QUOTES
"What are you going to do to me?"
"You need a woman's touch in here..."
"He was a FREAK!"
"And they all came."