x99 LEVIATHAN (3/29/98)

MOVIE
Well if you were to take a few good movies and cut and splice, you might end up with this one. Leviathan 'borrows' HEAVILY from the Alien series and just places the shabang under water instead of in deep space. We start by getting to know the crappy crew. There are honestly a few good actors in the bunch. We find out this is a mining colony.....I mean a mining facility down on the ocean floor. They go out and find a Russian wreck, and of course find some vodka. Seems that this hooch has gone really bad and has something in it to reorder someones DNA. Don't ask. Anyway two folks drink the hooch and they mutate and join to become a killer that is stalking the ship for the others. Their company tells them there is a hurrican, which is a lie. BTW Paul Reiser does not play the company guy. One of the crew, not an android, betrays them and the rest have to kill it and escape to the surface. The monster thing comes after them and the token black guy dies. In the end, Buckaroo slugs Roddy Piper's regular Sat. night thing.

TINY BUBBLES
Balthayzr> Time compressed and edited for time. And it's still 2 1/2 hours...
andreagain> Stan Winston, you have shamed the family.
THX-1138> I really like the Seaquest location titles including that little beeping noise. It's just so bloody quaint
mgrasso> exo-squad!
Ironf> Sphere 1989
KevinL> I will now make the only Leviathan joke I can think of which I do not need to be watching Leviathan to make.
KevinL> Leviathan: Isn't that where people call in and donate money to buy jeans for homeless people?
Ironf> The early prototypes for Robocop weren't that good, were they?
BryanL> They say 2% of the population can blow their own suits.
THX-1138> Yes, thank you Kevin Arnolds voice.
andreagain> How to Succeed at Bug Powder Injection Without Really Trying
BryanL> Leviathan Vs. The World Crime League
andreagain> Welp, I gotta go meet Ginsberg and Kerouac for lunch. Back in a bit.
Balthayzr> We got Ernie Hudson, and some girls. We made the quota!!
mgrasso> ok. weller with glasses or without... which is more believable?
Ironf> Well they need a nerdy guy, so I say with glasses
mgrasso> i think he needs the samurai 80s headband and a jetcar
BillBear> Right after this, she flew to Romania to play the android deputy in both "Oblivion" movies.
BryanL> He's the Cabin Boy of the movie.
mgrasso> peter weller: the poor man's jeff goldblum
BillBear> Richard Crenna: the poor man's Gene Hackman
andreagain> Richard Crenna: the rich man's Roy Scheider
Balthayzr> He fell into that abyss!!
BryanL> If they're that upset about losing a sixpack, they should enroll in a twelve step program.
andreagain> Are we not loads?
andreagain> Wow! This is just like The Secret of Al Capone's Vault!
BillBear> Meanwhile, Kevin Coster swims by in the background
andreagain> criswell predicts... the hooch stern stole infects him or something.
BillBear> Ballistics was part of my pre-med.
THX-1138> They're overlooking the obvious. The Leviathan and its captain were trying to defect with the help of Alec Baldwin.
BryanL> They're overlooking the obvious. It's the sub from "Down Periscope".
Djenk> No one will be seated during the "Desalined Water Transfer & Jogging" Scene
Balthayzr> "I can't get this damn Overthruster to work!"
BryanL> The lives of two B actors don't mean a hill of beans in this crazy underwater mining colony.
BillBear> We'll return to Deep Star Leviathan Sphere Six World after thise messages...
Balthayzr> Well, 1/2 an hour, and what do we have? Fake spider and booze.
Ironf> Black Belt Jones, water ninja.
andreagain> ah! there's latex all over my arm!
Djenk> He must be running Plot Point 1.3 Beta
Balthayzr> Great. She's gonna turn back into the Little Mermaid.
THX-1138> Hurricane? Why that's as coincidental as Cerenna speaking russian.
Balthayzr> Larry Fine Syndrome.
THX-1138> Guess she'll have to wear a Warhol wig from now on.
BillBear> "Okay, but I'll only do a nude scene if it's relevant to the growth of my character."
Ironf> Watch out for leviathans.
Balthayzr> I, however, am always in favor of scenes involving wet white undies.
Balthayzr> Here at Devry, we teach you how to deal with Morphing menaces. And, you get good pay as well!!
THX-1138> You know, this movie could really use a talking dolphin right about now.
Balthayzr> So, Russian Vodka turns you into a Sea Bass. Got it.
cthulhu> Scotch will turn you into a Lampry.
cthulhu> Gin will turn you into a sea horse.
Balthayzr> Whiskey makes you an Sewer Lobster.
cthulhu> Coke will turn you into a Eel.
BillBear> So...every twisting current makes the ship bang and creak, but they don't notice the release of 7 escape pods?
BillBear> Wow, having razor-sharp fangs in your palms really takes a lot of the fun out of masturbating.
BillBear> Has anyone wondered why there are huge flamethrowers on an underwater mining ship?
Balthayzr> Boy, Dr. Octopus has really let himself go...
Djenk> Kingston fish-monsters, Lights quickly and easily
andreagain> where's the exoskeleton?
Ironf> Frank foresaw this and decieded not to come on the trip.
BillBear> No mutant alien genetic mutations were harmed during the filming of Leviathan.
Balthayzr> I learned how to cut-and-paste scripts to make a movie.
cthulhu> I learned that booze kills.
Djenk> I learned that Stinky Guys go first, and that is how it should be
Ironf> I learned that you can never take a bunch of parts from ok movies, put them in a blender, and come out with an ok movie.
Balthayzr> I learned there is no way to make a man-in-a-monster suit look dangerous.
cthulhu> I learned that undersea communities off the future will be populated by women running around in their underware.
andreagain> I learned that Richard Crenna is one hell of a Roy Scheider.
Djenk> I learned that if you pick a soda pop spelled backwards as an IRC nick, you are a loser with no life
THX-1138> I learned that predictability in a film can be fun, and that God consdiers the home Game a sin.
BillBear> I learned that Reba can't take the pressure.
Balthayzr> I learned that tight hair bun = Evil female Boss.
andreagain> I learned that Daniel Stern couldn't last an entire movie.
Ironf> I also learned that commie hooch is BAD!
BillBear> I learned I can say "dammit" to my computer, and it will understand.
Balthayzr> I learned that the producers of the original Alien need to sue people more.
andreagain> I learned you need the new drivers for it to parse "dammit"

GLUB...GLUB...GLUB

"What a pair!"
"I almost had an accident today"
"You know, I stood next to a guy who blew up his suit once. I'll tell you, that was not a pretty sight."
"That may be the size of it, Bubba"
Sixpack: "One tiny little hole in a fucking toe of his suit, man. No bigger than your dick. Yeah, the way the ocean came in, the pressure just crammed his whole body up into his helmet. We just buried his helmet. That would have been you, DeJesus"
DeJesus: "Hey, I know about implosions."
Sixpack: "Yeah, I bet you do. I bet you were imploding in your pants
"Just don't call me cracker..."
"I'm going to pop your tops... all six of 'em"
"Damn it! I wanna discuss the division of shares!!"
"GONE! Bitch we still here"
"Let's blow this thing so we can all go home!!"