CHARLIE
IN THE BOX
Directed by Troy ("Pee-Wee
Herman's Christmas Special") Miller
Written by Mark Steven ("Big Bully") Johnson,
Steven ("Overnight Delivery") Bloom, Jonathan ("Once
Bitten") Roberts, and Jeff ("Dennis Miller Live")
Cesario
Produced by Irving ("Fast Times At Ridgemont High")
Azoff and Mark ("Red Planet") Canton
MOVIE
Released in 1998, this chirpy, big budget, bring-the-whole
family opus bears an unfortunate resemblance to the 1997 direct-to-video
flick in which a murderous psychotic continues his killing spree
after mutating into a snowman. Anxious to maintain a more upbeat
tone, the producers tapped Michael ("Batman", "Clean
and Sober", "Desparate Measures") Keaton to play
the title character, a loving but somewhat distracted family man.
He heads up an Aryan Nation blues band whose popularity stems
from the fact that they never finish their songs. The success
of Frost's musical career cuts into quality time with his Old
Navy wife (Kelly Preston) and his son Charlie, who vents his frustration
during hockey games by assuming the fetal position. Forsaking
a gig in order to spend Christmas with his family, Keaton's character
dies on the road when his car is violently edited out of the movie.
One year later, a seriously under-medicated Charlie blows on a magic harmonica which results in his dead father returning to life in the form of a snowman. Making the most of this Ice Capade in Purgatory, daddy Frost tries to teach his son the use of the J-shot in winter bloodsports while ducking his wife, who is phobic about large hailstones.
The remainder of the film is essentially a chase sequence,
with the plot struggling desparately to keep up with the audience.
Trademark> Oh, I missed the Jack Frost/John Lee Hooker collaboration... Cthulhu> Not Bruce Willis, but a clever facimille. AtomGrid> So, Michael Keaton was cast as Bruce Willis in the movie version of the Return of Bruno. How nice. BEMaven> if it's a fascimile of Willis, how can it be clever? Eoj> he makes Bruce Willis look.... well like Don Johnson. Trademark> Dweezil knows his singing bio-exterminators. AtomGrid> Wow, Ray Manzerak got fat. Eoj> with Steve Buscemi on bass. Cthulhu> Sign them what? Death Sentences? BEMaven> how did this band ever get together? do they make garages that big? Cthulhu> Jack and Elwood are waiting outside with big sticks for these guys. * BEMaven lights a frisbie with his bic and throws it. AtomGrid> Medford, home of the Donner party cookbook. Bice> Good to see Trevor Rabin still looks like an 80s music reject. AtomGrid> The Medford Grade School production of "Alive." Trademark> What's with the Lord of the Rings-level soundtrack? Is this really an epic battle? Eoj> they may take our sleds.... but they will never take... OUR FREEDOM! AtomGrid> You're going to be what's called "collateral damage", Billy. Trademark> I figured a live-action South Park would suck... Cthulhu> You know he's evil because he is eating a beef stick. Bice> Oh, he'll get two minutes in the box for that. BEMaven> get some yellow snow and it's just like paintball. Cthulhu> Amazing? He just threw a cheap shot, that's all. BEMaven> why the snowball fight in the first place? couldn't they wait for the sanctions to take effect? AtomGrid> Kid got an A in girl's PE. Eoj> you'll have to wait for your Daddy to finish banging some groupies but then he'll be home. AtomGrid> Oh, no Michael. The hat doesn't make you look like a TOTAL idiot. Trademark> 'Hey kid, wake up and meet your new dad.' Cthulhu> Keaton doesn't do well as a blonde. Eoj> ok , I'll do the film but only if I can wear a faggy earring and a REALLY stupid hat. Bice> How long do we have to wait for Keaton to die? BEMaven> blonde? i thought his toupee had rusted. Cthulhu> Not there dad, higher. AtomGrid> Now we need a stent to drain fluid from the Snowman's head. Cthulhu> You'll need that when they send you to the Big House. Eoj> I stole it from Alvin. Bice> Dad, you could have cleaned the spit out first. Cthulhu> I took it off a dead wino. Trademark> That had to be the wettest father-son kiss in film history... BEMaven> son: 'he's a great dad, but why does he have a Chia head?' Trademark> 'So are you going to "Straighten me out" or not?' Cthulhu> Take me now! Sub-creature! BEMaven> Keaton looks vaguely Swedish. BEMaven> and by Swedish, i mean he resembles a caribou. Cthulhu> How many cockney chimney-sweeps are there in Colorado? Bice> Hey, you missed it entirely. You could play for the Mighty Ducks! Eoj> the Gay shot? Eoj> great dad, I can now play hockey with tennis balls. Eoj> Henry Rollins as the mild mannered Hockey coach. Bice> ...but if you lose today, I'M GONNA BEAT YOU TO DEATH!!! Eoj> are you a LIAR? Cthulhu> WHAT DO WANNA DO WITH YOU LIFE?!?! Bice> Yeah, I'm so glad Trevor Rabin turned down Yes for *this* gig. BEMaven> nice routine, Keaton. you should consider putting it to music. Cthulhu> It STINKS! Trademark> 'Ah nuts, I wanted to be like Lemieux, but the cancer was really unnecessary.' Eoj> I really wanted to see the game but I was getting this really good hummer in the studio. AtomGrid> Opie... you live in an entirely different show. Trademark> 'You can't do it without growing a world-class mullet.' AtomGrid> I have to make money to buy your estrogen treatments, son. Please understand. Cthulhu> I wanted to be a great musician, son... but you came along. Trademark> 'Or we can stay at the Overlook. How'sat sound?' Cthulhu> Oh yeah... the gift that keeps on giving. Toiletries. AtomGrid> She won't grab his bag. What a relief. Cthulhu> Hi! I'm from the evil record company that going to tear you away from your family and get you killed on the way. Eoj> uh... our whole set is a couple of songs. Trademark> So he wrecks the car and gets taken in by Kathy Bates? Eoj> James Caan runs him off the road. Trademark> He's driving though Midgard. Cthulhu> You know... some people would STOP the car. BEMaven> 'sorry we got lost in the snowstorm and had to eat your Father.' Trademark> 'Look, we'll get you another one.' BEMaven> so a normal fender bender can kill Michael Keaton's character? fate is so kind. AtomGrid> They live in a town of perpetual nuclear winter. JoeAnthrax> "You can come out now, Harry Potter..." Trademark> He's hoping to channel the spirit of Lindsey Buckingham. JoeAnthrax> Ummm, that's not where the carrot goes... Cthulhu> It's a nice hat... after they laundered his dad's blood and guts out of it. BEMaven> so he made a Goodfellas snowman? Trademark> It's that special Tide with Evidence Eliminator, Cthu. Bice> Oh no, he's summoned the spirit of Patrick Roy. Trademark> As if by magic, a plot twister. Cthulhu> 'Son! I've been in Hell for a year! You've got to help me!!!' Trademark> 'And I'm a voice-over.' BEMaven> Keaton came back as a snowman? so hell really did freeze over? AtomGrid> It's a Marlon Brando christmas. Bice> You know... I've never done a snowman before... AtomGrid> Mom has pretty vivid fantasty life. Trademark> Man, snowmen apparently get women hot. Cthulhu> Break out the thorazin. Trademark> 'Oh dear, I was hoping that would skip a generation.' AtomGrid> This really is the nightmare before Christmas. Cthulhu> It's been a year and you'd figured she'd call a plumber by now. AtomGrid> Time for some International Widow blend coffee. AtomGrid> If only his name had been Jack Dogshit. JoeAnthrax> Henry Rollins freaked out by a snowman...this *IS* a fantasy... Eoj> Rollins would just call up Flea to come over and melt the thing with torches. AtomGrid> So, Mr. Snowman, did I blow dry 5 perms. Or 6? Bice> Mrs Bice sez: Who would have thought he *peaked* with Mr. Mom? Trademark> 'Hopping on my CGI sled to save you in a composite shot.' Cthulhu> I don't want my father ever telling me that he's "Coming". Cthulhu> It's a some what colder version of Mad Max. AtomGrid> Sorry, Mr. Bono. BEMaven> nice to see the kids in Colorado getting an early start on committing manslaughter. Bice> I'm trying to figure out who the target audience was for this movie. 7 year olds with attention deficit and a drinking problem? Cthulhu> How is he doing that without binders? AtomGrid> He violated Charley Brown's Christmas tree. Eoj> well, he can't reproduce now... that's a good thing. BEMaven> it was targeted toward kids whose dads are on death row. Trademark> I can't wait for the bit where Calvin puts Keaton into one of his snowman driveway dioramas. Bice> You don't know anything about me. You *are* my dad! Eoj> crap I had a good one and forogt what I was typing halfway into it BEMaven> the scriptwriter had that recurring problem, Eoj. BEMaven> thousands of kids must have left the theater wishing their dads would die and come back a year later as snowmen. Bice> Mrs. Bice feels insulted that no one saw her Mr. Mom line. Bice> Oh, Mrs. Bice corrected me - she just assumes you're all drunk. Trademark> Mrs. Bice needs her own keyboard. Bice> My carpal-tunnel agrees. JoeAnthrax> Well, this isn't the first time she's mopped up after Keaton... Eoj> experiment with Natalie at her house... I'm experimenting with the cable guy in an hour. Trademark> So how well can the first therapy appointment go when Charlie describes his father as "cold beyond belief?" Eoj> the weather guy is one of those plastic people from the enegizer ads. BEMaven> 'i turned the snowman, mom. he wanted to see you take a shower.' Trademark> Isn't that where Superman lives? Bice> Mrs Bice sez: I come here to think... and jerk off. AtomGrid> And right over here is where I keep the skulls of my victims. AtomGrid> The J-shot? I didn't know you were holding, my compadre. Trademark> Huh. It's not bad enough he's a snowman, but he's a passive-aggressive one at that. BEMaven> too bad Michael Keaton never had a place where he could think. Trademark> I'd rather have a dad who turns into a pool table, personally. Bice> You'd be surprised how many branches shaped just like hockey sticks and rocks shaped just like pucks there are lying around. Not to mention nets. JoeAnthrax> So many men have spent their lives searching for the J-Shot... err, wait. Trademark> 'You're not my real sculpture!' Eoj> did they import the one black guy from Colorado for this film? Bice> So he's got a fey accent and an earring, and she trusts him with her son. Trademark> I really hope the denoument involves an early thaw. Trademark> 'And I've decided not to move the venison in the freezer, so you're finished.' Bice> Rollins couldn't lay off the weed even for one day of shooting. Cthulhu> 'Throats and eyes!' AtomGrid> "Straight but relaxed." The kid should be so lucky. JoeAnthrax> That's my PERSONAL masturbation technique... Trademark> 'Grab with the left, punch with the right.' Bice> Hockey arena organs come with drum machines? Trademark> 'Make me like Eric Lindros. I want the rest of the season off.' Eoj> the kids not ever scored a goal and they let him wear 99? AtomGrid> The voices of those who've wronged him flash through Charley's mind. Bice> Now Charley gets to watch his dad run over by the zamboni. Cthulhu> What? No Zamboni? Trademark> 'We've got to get you to a nun's twat, dad.' AtomGrid> With that cart the snowman can now sell pencils out of a tin cup at the corner of Wabash and Adams. JoeAnthrax> Why is he breathing heavily... he has no lungs!!! Bice> Can't Santa just come and sprinkle some magic pixie dust on him or something? Eoj> Santa's busy fighting the Martians. Eoj> I hear Mr Hanky is avaliable though. Cthulhu> Isn't that ARNIE! THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD! Trademark> Boy, that friendship developed faster than a Steven Seagal love subplot. Eoj> they get lost on the way to Mork's. Cthulhu> Postive ID. Trademark> 'Button nose, two eyes made out of coal, c'mon. You know the rest.' AtomGrid> The snowman was white? So they're profiling. BEMaven> put him in the ice house, dummy, next to the chunks of the Blob. AtomGrid> The Thelma and Louise ending. Bice> Encouraging his son to jump from a moving truck. Good father. BEMaven> letting his son die of hypothermia. great father. AtomGrid> The Michelin Man is the best dad ever. Trademark> 'I've got your son. Send 600 pounds of Flav-R-Ice in an unmarked bag to the drop.' BEMaven> 'the call... came from inside the refrigerator.' AtomGrid> Jinx. Eoj> so Mom's a bank teller and Dad's a no talent musician. how the hell did they afford a nice big house and a cabin? Trademark> 'First one I've been sober for, so I'm just guessing.' JoeAnthrax> This story has so much in common with the Christmas story, it's almost uncanny... Cthulhu> And I got to get on with my death. AtomGrid> I have other boys with ergot poisoning to help, son. Eoj> the DVD edition has the outtakes where the mom gets her toungue stuck to the snowmans 3rd ball. AtomGrid> The next time you have a batman freeze-pop, think of me. JoeAnthrax> Wait, I'll always be in your heart... So why the hell did you show up as a freakin SNOWMAN?!? Cthulhu> So if they do a summer sequel to this, would he come back as a sand castle? Trademark> He's going to move to Montana and mail people ice balls. AtomGrid> Did the bad snowman touch you Charley? Show me on the dolly. BEMaven> son: 'best Christmas ever? but, Dad, we're Jewish.' Eoj> Patrick Swayze says hi. Bice> And the movie just keeps kicking us while we're down. BEMaven> 'one to beam up.' Cthulhu> Now to snow in a small midwestern farm community! JoeAnthrax> So, is Keaton effected by El Nino??? Trademark> On the upside, there's one less bar-band singer in the world. CHOO-CHOO WITH SQUARE WHEELS
AtomGrid> It's John Diehl from City Limits as Harley Earl. AtomGrid> "My name is Harley Earl and I'm a danger to myself and others." BEMaven> Harley Earl will kill us through our dreams. heed me! Eoj> My name is, my name is, my name is... Harley Earl. Cthulhu> My name is Harley Earl, millionare. I own a mansion and a yacht. AtomGrid> Go into the light, child. * BEMaven tosses tennis balls with numbers on them at GM cars. Eoj> have you got Negros Micro Racer? Bice> They make remote-control hummers now? Damn, I gotta get me one of those. JoeAnthrax> Wait, a giraffe talking about a "remote controlled hummer"?? The Hell!?! BEMaven> 'no, we don't have the hummer. and our staff doesn't have to pick up giraffe poop either.' AtomGrid> Thanks for giving Santa diabetes, Poppin' Fresh. Cthulhu> The Pillsbury Doughboy has always made me feel... dirty. BEMaven> "what if you had to outrun an avanlache on a garbage bag"??? BEMaven> well, i for one, wouldn't take out the garbage in avanlache country. the point is rather moot. AtomGrid> 'Having your torso found in the next county: Priceless.' BEMaven> spokesman: 'coming back as a snowman and creeping out your neglected son... $40 million.' Trademark> Why would an avalanche be on a garbage bag? COWBOY WHO RIDES AN OSTRICHE
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If his dad should magically
return, BEMaven has a bag of rock salt ready.
BUMBLES BOUNCES!
