Put a bunch of real wrestling afficionados in a room with a highly inaccurate biography of Jesse Ventura, and you're guaranteed 50% humor, and 50% bitching about the movie's inaccuracies. Nils Allen Stewart, a proud Scandinavian, plays the wrestler formerly known as John Janos Jingleheimer Schmitt, in the hope of breaking big just like Jason Scott Lee did with The Bruce Lee Story. Don't hold your breath. In this recursive, metafictional look at the life of Minnesota's governor, we are guided through the life of fakey Ventura by an even fakier present-day Ventura in a near-Joycean denial of the persistence of memory and the linearity of time. We follow Jesse through his early years, killing Commies in NAM, becoming Ron Kovic upon his return, entering the musty, homoerotic world of rassling, creating a persona only 75% inspired by Gorgeous George, marrying a biker chyck, planting his Agent Orange-infected seed in her womb, and eventually running for public office. Yes, only a state which could produce both the Coen and the Lambert brothers, Joel Hodgson, Garrison Keillor, Craig Kilborn, Bob Mould, Paul Westerberg, Prince, AND Judy Garland could elect this flamboyant fakey Ventura. Special Guest Stars: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin and Goldberg as Norm Coleman and Hubert "Skip" Humphrey, America's first gay tag-team champions.
FIGHT FOR THE RIGHTS OF EVERY MAN
Ironf> Let'sss get ready to JESSSSSEEE!
KevinL> Aaaaw yeah, boyyyy.
mgrasso> calls calls calls, calls from the public
KevinL> Is everybody ready to put the smack down?
KevinL> I hope everyone here has plenty of time to bleed.
BryanL> I'm not sure. Let me check my Franklin Bleeding Planner.
mgrasso> who will play schwarzenegger?
BryanL> I have one free hour for bleeding, but that's it.
mgrasso> why does jesse look like cuba gooding jr.?
Ironf> Chris Canyon ladies and gents.
mgrasso> good lord, this is wrong.
KevinL> Was that kid wearing an NWO t-shirt?
Ironf> Jesse never wrestled in the WCW
BryanL> Obviously, they're using 90's wrestling tropes in their 80's wrestling reenactment.
mgrasso> continuity by:
Ironf> ahh the grandma in the wheel chair move
BryanL> I don't think there WAS a WCW in 84, was there?
Ironf> It may have been still the AWA
KevinL> Crowd Favorite vs Rule Breaker.
BryanL> NBC's much better at finding body doubles for flaming pickup trucks than they are for governors.
Ironf> I hear they have this Jesse rigged to burst into flames at the end of the match Bry
KevinL> Do the Eye-Gouge, you turkey-neck.
mgrasso> yeah, this guys kinda lumpy.
BryanL> And such an inspired music choice, too.
mgrasso> flashback to NAM!
BryanL> Clubber Lang is down!
KevinL> Coke O.D.
Ironf> He says it's from Agent Orange.
* Bice wants to be Jesse's girl
KevinL> Yeah, but he smokes cigarettes wrapped in bacon.
Ironf> cough cough homo cough cough
mgrasso> "i'm not just the hair club president... oops."
BryanL> Hm. Don't look like him? Don't sound like him? Guess we're supposed to take it on faith that it IS him.
mgrasso> they got the accent down. kinda.
BryanL> We needed one of those John Madden arrow things before.
Bice> Crayon captions with pointy arrows - the sign of a quality documentary.
BryanL> David Byrne called. He wants his suit back.
Ironf> Hi, I'm wide.
mgrasso> this is like "it's a wonderful life," huh?
KevinL> I live in Minneapolis, Jesse. Your daddy did a shitty job of fixing our streets.
Ironf> Wow they even faked the "I am the greatest" speach.
mgrasso> they eat cafeteria style... why aren't i surprised.
BryanL> Yep. I'm buying this incredibly ironic coincidental dialog.
Ironf> I hope they hit on his whore usage
mgrasso> it's not jesse without WHORES.
BryanL> I hope they don't touch on the whole no underwear thing.
Ironf> That is soooo NOT Superstar Billy Grahm
mgrasso> is he singing "mama said knock you out?"
BryanL> Popcorn! Steroids! Poor policy!
mgrasso> popcorn, peanuts, cheap political hucksterism!
mgrasso> shit, bry!
mgrasso> jesus CHRIST.
BryanL> Scary, ain't it?
Ironf> Kev, your governor sells popcorn?
Bice> This movie has all the subtlty of "Starfighters"
BryanL> This is just like An Officer And A Gentleman, only it sucks... more.
Plumm> If you don't so your jumping jacks, how we can hand over this base to the ChiComs 25 years from now, WORMS??!!
Ironf> You gotta fight, for the right, tooo beeee JESSSSSEEEE
KevinL> Jesse was never actually a SEAL, he was really a Navy WALRUS.
KevinL> Goo goo gajoob.
BryanL> "They try and fail?" "They try... and die."
mgrasso> wow. that looks like they lose a lot of recruits that way.
Ironf> WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUCTION JESSE!
BryanL> Training scenes ghost-scripted by Robert Heinline.
KevinL> Only 1 percent of SEALS actually survive the training, the guy with the M-60 smokes the rest.
mgrasso> but they let demi moore in. go fig.
mgrasso> he sounds more canadian than minnesotan.
Ironf> That's actually the Brain's robotic body.
Bice> Why is Henry Rollins playing Jesse?
BryanL> Berkeley, 72? He's gonna found the SCA?
Plumm> No, he's gonna invent the Jesus Freaks.
Plumm> what? birth thru NAM in fifteen minutes?!
BryanL> Now he looks like Shatner.
Ironf> If this is Jesse, I don't want to see thier faux-Stones.
BryanL> Costumes and motorbikes! This is fantastic!
KevinL> Okay, the be-suited Narrator Jesse is really starting to bug me.
mgrasso> brainerd! where's frances mcdormand!
BryanL> Hey, 50's cars on the street in the late 70's!
Ironf> He looks like the guy from 3'oclock high. The Bully.
KevinL> Jimmy! You look like shit, Jimmy.
BryanL> It's a Changeling! Get him!
BryanL> I just got some steroids from the Farmer's Market, if you'd like.
KevinL> You know I never had no use fer book-learnin', pop.
Bice> Now he's being played by Hulk Hogan. I'm really confused.
mgrasso> is he fighting macaulay culkin?
BryanL> So... he's had this epiphany HOW MANY TIMES ALREADY?
Ironf> Please don't let the be-suited on show up between the sheets.
mgrasso> twice the jesse... twice the FREAKIN'
BryanL> He's a slow learner even when he's talking to himself.
KevinL> I wanna wear tights and a feather boa, and roll around on the floor with other sweaty men. But not in a gay way.
BryanL> More of a Viking way?
mgrasso> finally, a wrestling school where you learn to beat the shit out of the referee.
Ironf> camel clutch!
mgrasso> this guy plays jesse like he's a fucking shyster lawyer in a TV ad.
BryanL> It's like Jesse's here doing an infomercial for Jesse.
BryanL> We are as one. We've formed Riffing Voltron.
mgrasso> form the.... head!
Bice> Wow, I never realized that professional wrestling weeded people out until only the truely ignorant remained.
Ironf> The hell!? The be-suited one can interfer with the real life?
KevinL> Nick Bakay IS Jesse Ventura.
BryanL> And we see where Wrestling's Secrets special pays off.
mgrasso> told you this would work.
Ironf> You think that Jesse is watching the be-suited Jesse watch the other Jesse?
BryanL> I forget sometimes just how bad network Teevee is.
Plumm> I heard they tried to have a shittier framing device, but standards & practices shot them down
BryanL> I heard they looked for a shittier framing device, but were in fact unable to find one.
mgrasso> well, i heard that the patty duke movie stole their idea of multiple jesses, but they still used it.
BryanL> They're wrestlers! Identical wrestlers! A boa makes them lose control!
mgrasso> movie sign
mgrasso> sweaty lifting-belt sign, sorry.
BryanL> Hey, he's finally getting the gruff voice going.
mgrasso> i think it's because he just finished off a fifth of scotch.
Bice> What the hell are they talking about? Since when does wrestling have technical jargon?
KevinL> And that's where I met my Nevada hooker.
KevinL> C'mon. Bring on the hoors.
BryanL> We're already past Hoors. We're into One True Love territory. No hoors.
Bice> You know, it's rare that you can find a bimbo who's also into fake violance.
mgrasso> she likes her sweaty men touching each other, that's for sure.
BryanL> Whirlwind courtship. One rasslin match and bang, she's his.
KevinL> He just told her it's fake, and yet she still feels the need to cheer. Not too bright, is she?
BryanL> He's so not filling out that suit.
Balthayzr> Nice to see Jesse wore his best Motorcycle outfit for his wedding day.
Ironf> Hey! The real Jesse doesn't wear underwear!
mgrasso> a change of underwear??? damn, where were the fact-checkers!
Plumm> grasso: maybe he got dressed up for his wedding
Ironf> well technically underwear could be a clean white wifebeater shirt
Balthayzr> Hillcrest Motel: Hosting Wrestler Impromptu weddings since 1957.
KevinL> Then he pile drives her and breaks her neck.
BryanL> I can't even begin to imagine the sickness involved in this scene.
Bice> First pizza delivery guy I've ever seen wearing a tie.
Balthayzr> I needed to bleach my hair until I went prematurely bald.
Plumm> he's bleaching!
Balthayzr> He looks like a negative of Tarzan.
BryanL> That is, wihout a doubt, the most psychotic wedding night in the universe.
Plumm> She's running through all her old dildo nicknames.
Bice> "The Dimwit"
Ironf> How about 'Stone Cold'? No, that'll never work, ever.
BryanL> Did you say "The Limpdick"?
Balthayzr> How about naming youself after a psychotic Marvel Superhero?
KevinL> Call yourself "The Potty". You could urinate on people after you beat them.
Ironf> That's the Urinator's gimmic Kev.
KevinL> Oh. Sorry.
Balthayzr> If Micheal Buffer and Vince McMahon had a child.
BryanL> You're a warrior. Of the glass jungle.
KevinL> He's a whore-ior.
Balthayzr> He's the Warrior? We changed Bio subjects in mid-stream?
Bice> Jeeze, I wouldn't want to see what Jesse "The stool" Ventura does to his victims.
Balthayzr> Authentic Jesse "Wolfpac" T-shirts.
Ironf> Gold-berg! Gold-berg! Gold-berg!
Balthayzr> Goldberg's older than I thought.
KevinL> Jesse so never wrestled Goldberg.
Balthayzr> Goldburg! Goldberg! Gol-Golberg!
BryanL> NBC's attempt to curry favor with the hardcore wrestling geeks is doomed to backfire, methinks.
Balthayzr> This is just such an acting stretch for Bill, isn't it?
Bice> Why was that one guy in the crowd holding up a STOP sign? What, did they run out of cardboard signs to give the extras, so they ripped one off the street outside the studio?
KevinL> Not only that, but they're using stock Goldberg footage.
Balthayzr> How can ya tell, Kev? Goldberg fights the same exact way every match.
Balthayzr> "Hi, dad! I'm a hero to trailer trash everywhere! Are you proud of me?"
BryanL> This would be much cooler if those were Tom Green's parents.
KevinL> He's 35, it's a little late for phases, don't you think?
BryanL> WRESTLING MONTAGE!
Plumm> meanwhile, I was being born.
Balthayzr> I don't remember Jesse having a beer gut.
Bice> What's with the "floating over the crowd" shot? Is he god now?
Balthayzr> He's been taken up, Bice.
BryanL> Yeah, notice how Jesse's always wearin' shirts in the rasslin scenes?
mgrasso> i heard paul wight's going to play andre the giant. very few prosthetics required.
BryanL> Nice Macho Man impersonation, guy.
Balthayzr> Macho Man voice over?
KevinL> He dresses like Jesse, but he talks like Randy Savage.
KevinL> He's kinda like Queen Amidala that way.
Ironf> That's because he has bitch tits Bry.
Balthayzr> I also don't remember Jesse ever doing the Neste Plunge.
Balthayzr> Of course, I don't remember Jesse wearing a suit and stalking himself.
Bice> Is this over at 10, or does it go on for another hour?
mgrasso> a full 2 hours. the last half concerns zoning laws in brooklyn park.
Ironf> It's a 4 hour special.
KevinL> It's a 16 hour miniseries to compete with Cleopatra.
Ironf> Time Stalkers II starring Jesse Ventura
Plumm> Of course not, Balth, that was part of the Shadow Government's time-travel experiments.
KevinL> Actually, that narrator isn't even an actor, it's just the Jesse-in-a-Suit doll on a stick.
BryanL> Nah. The Jesse In A Suit doll's suit fits.
Balthayzr> Get ready. Observer says there's a part where Jesse defends Bret Hart against Vince after the Title Screw-job.
BryanL> What's a title screw job?
KevinL> When McMahon gave away the title even after Hart won.
Ironf> screw job is an ending that's anything other than a clean pin
Balthayzr> Hart was supposed to keep his title, but Vince had them ring the bell because he "gave up".
Ironf> Hart spit a big goob right in Vinny Mac's caw.
Balthayzr> Hart chased Vince into the backroom and busted a knuckle on his head.
Ironf> But don't take my word for it.
Balthayzr> For more wrestling stories. visit your local library.
Balthayzr> There's "Belinda and her Big, Sweaty men" by Lance Buttman.
Balthayzr> He's got her in the Figure Four!
Ironf> And his son double-crosses him and comes out cesarean!
BryanL> Nothing improves a delivery like drill sargenting.
BryanL> F. Lee Ermey, Midwife.
Balthayzr> And the baby puts the wetnurse in a headlock.
Balthayzr> He's fighting the Incredible Crash Dummy!
mgrasso> he's wrestling john walsh?
BryanL> I didn't think Jesse was much of a tagteamer.
Balthayzr> I'm detecting a supreme lack of Adrian Adonis here.
Balthayzr> Jesse, if you can't play nice with your toys, you can't play anymore.
Balthayzr> Midget in a towel. Always a ratings grabber.
KevinL> Jesse "The Hoffa" Ventura.
Balthayzr> Jesse teleported!
mgrasso> politics in the locker room. hand me the dr. scholl's powder, jesse, i need to quell your swelling political aspirations.
Plumm> SOLIDARITY FOREVER, SOLIDARITY FOREVER, Jesse will make us strong! o/~
BryanL> And now, for those who enjoyed our earlier footage, here's our earlier footage.
Plumm> did Jesse really start a wrestler's union?
Balthayzr> He tried, Jamie.
Ironf> That's why he was booted from the WWF, suppossedly.
Plumm> he tracks closer to Reagan than I thought. Maybe he will be President.
Plumm> But a Bush will muscle his way on the ticket and another family friend will take a shot at Jesse, and he'll back off messing with their drug markets.
Balthayzr> In his final match, Jesse made himself submit to the lung bloodclot lock.
KevinL> He's a Biological Time Bomb.
Balthayzr> Should I be scared that the faux-Jesse refers to himself in the third person?
BryanL> This is just like that Simpson's episode with the cannonball.
Ironf> Hi, I'm a supersized crazy Dennis Hopper.
KevinL> And he's goin' to the Amoeba Hop.
Balthayzr> ANd now, Jesse tries to get his own videogame started and is fired by Vince McMahon.
Balthayzr> Doctor Demento is playing Gorilla Monsoon?
mgrasso> gorilla monsoon?
mgrasso> no, no, no.
Ironf> NOT GORILLA MONSOON!
Plumm> looks more like mr french
Balthayzr> I think, honestly, that that is the guy who plays the new Captain Kangaroo.
Balthayzr> I also never knew that the WWF was called the WCW until recently.
BryanL> More WCW banners... it's like they paid for product placement.
mgrasso> well, at least the agent orange didn't make him sterile.
KevinL> Trash that baby, Jess.
KevinL> And get a mop.
BryanL> Your father's stirring moral rectitude has forced the baby loose!
mgrasso> maybe they'll get stuck in an elevator, and hilarity will ensue.
BryanL> A little DX7 vibraphone to represent the miracle of birth.
KevinL> This is the "Jesse's wife squeezes one out" theme.
Ironf> This would have been a great pilot for a series.
Balthayzr> Jade? He named her after Race Bannon's kid?
Ironf> Be-suited Jesse could, umm, we'll call it 'leap' into the lives of people and bitchslap them.
Balthayzr> Not the Spanish Announcer's table again!@
Balthayzr> Cheesehat! Cheesehat!
mgrasso> is this a commercial for "lancer"?
Plumm> They said they only needed one gay wrestler!
Balthayzr> Warning! Thinly disguised Bret Hart Alert!!
BryanL> Man, Jesse's devotion to the fundamental archetypes of rassling is touching.
Balthayzr> Tonight, the part of Raven will be played by Scott Levy.
mgrasso> with ben kingsley as the evil manager.
Balthayzr> Yes! Go get the Vince McMahon clone that looks like Verne Gange!
Balthayzr> OK, Jesse's fever dream is over. Can we see his actual career now?
Balthayzr> mmmmmm.....4 steel pins in my skull......
KevinL> Later, we get to see the bruhaha that occured when Sonny Landham wouldn't stop upstaging Bill Duke on the set of Predator.
BryanL> Hey, cars from the 70's! It must be 2007.
Balthayzr> I never knew Jesse suffered from Munchausen Syndrome.
mgrasso> rainier wolfcastle!
Ironf> Bad faux-Arnnie
KevinL> So, Batman and Robin came BEFORE Predator?
BryanL> Man, we missed out on a Jesse TV series.
Ironf> They should have had the be-suited Jesse rise up from the sludge like Rambo.
Ironf> Campaign headquarters: The Blue Oyster
BryanL> He's mastered the art of delivering bon mots between bullets.
Balthayzr> So, Jesse learned political savvy from dead ducks?
BryanL> It's the Exxon Valdez story all over again.
KevinL> Here's where Jesse joins Greenpeace and becomes an Eco-Terrorist.
BryanL> I've been to city council meetings. They're nothing like this.
Balthayzr> Jesse first tried to solve the dirty water problem with a cage match. When that didn't work, he went to a town meeting. And had a cage match.
KevinL> That damn pollution is killing our wildlife before we get a chance to shoot it!
Plumm> Wow, the government access channel was smoking that night!
mgrasso> he talks like he's in a anti-perspirant commercial.
KevinL> Actually, it's Vancouver. It's cheaper to shoot there.
Balthayzr> You can see Mulder and Scully shooting in the background.
mgrasso> the minneapolis opinion?
mgrasso> real paper, lamberti?
BryanL> Totally fake paper.
Balthayzr> "i'm a weenie."
BryanL> "I was beaten by a bunch of kids!"
Plumm> too bad he didn't do anything about the biowarfare ops they worked on your bronchitis, Bryan.
BryanL> If they fake age Dad any farther, this'll be The Mummy.
KevinL> He was always a closet heterosexual, just like David Bowie.
Balthayzr> Ya can't tell Canyon was booking the movie, huh?
Balthayzr> Did he just call him "Brain"?
BryanL> Bobby "The Brain" Gumbel.
Balthayzr> "Adrian!!!! I did it! I'm mayor!!!!"
BryanL> If Dad dies during the interview, I'm leaving.
KevinL> Actually, Bryan, Jesse's parents were killed and eaten by George the Animal Steele.
Balthayzr> They completly skipped the part where he single-handedly saved all the kids in the burning orphanage by picking up the water tower and pouring it over the flames.
mgrasso> the SECRET ORIGIN of jesse ventura
Balthayzr> This has the stench of Dean Devlin all over it.
Balthayzr> Now, does President Jesse appear and start narrating over the Governor Jesse scenes?
BryanL> "What You Say." "What Jesse Hears"
Balthayzr> The Brooklyn Park council was run by the Chipmonks?
* KevinL actually currently resides in Brooklyn Park, MN. No joke.
Ironf> were you around during his mayoralship?
Ironf> He suplexed the caskit into the grave
BryanL> They put dad in the coffin with a bunch of live scarab beetles.
BryanL> Shouldn't MOM be going through the things? Oh. There she is.
Ironf> George "The Dead" Janos
KevinL> Now there'll be no one to fix the streets, and the potholes will just grow and grow.
BryanL> Now they're ripping off plot points from S1 Babylon 5.
BryanL> "You never told me you were at The Line!"
Balthayzr> I understand Jesse tried to get his father back by challenging the Grim Reaper to a Lumberjack Match.
Ironf> It's called Darwinism
Ironf> look it up.
KevinL> Stupidity is nature's way of weeding out the stupid? Huh?
mgrasso> damn parents.
mgrasso> they must be stupid, nature's weeding them out.
Ironf> That's why I know I can make a pact with the devil to bring her back. Really!
BryanL> Man... Jesse's parents just aren't that hearty.
Balthayzr> Ah. The old "Showing emotion by gasping for breath" routine.
BryanL> I don't think KFAN was either FM, nor up that high on the dial.
mgrasso> there *is* no 108.5
mgrasso> that's like VHF 4
KevinL> This is the spot on your dial 3 points higher than it actually goes, so you're not even hearing this.
BryanL> Maybe it was 108.555.1212.
mgrasso> and now, we reach sweet, climactic denouement.
Plumm> no, denouement is after he wins, dude
* Plumm draws a chart.
BryanL> Governor Gump.
Balthayzr> Bubba? In Minnisota?
Balthayzr> Yes, I think Dusty Rhodes is alive and well.
BryanL> Someone kick this movie's ass.
KevinL> That's it boys. Great work. Oh, and your asses are lookin' mighty fine in those tight pants.
mgrasso> is it me, or is this movie languishing like a monday night WWF classic match from the mid-80s?
Balthayzr> Also note that, despite the product placements, they completly skipped over his WCW career.
BryanL> I don't think I realized the extent to which docudramas can, well, make shit up.
Balthayzr> ANd no exciting footage of Billy Grahams 45 hip replacements! I feel so slighted.
BryanL> Oh, god, I remember that, Balth.
KevinL> Remember what?
BryanL> Them actually showing one of Billy Graham's surgeries on WWF.
Balthayzr> Vince McManon Filming Graham's Hip replacement surgery and showing it on Prime Time Wrestling.
Balthayzr> Ugh. My local news is interviewing Sable at 10:00.
Balthayzr> "DO you find that your 50 pounds of implants help you preform the one wrestling move you know?"
BryanL> Heh. We've got Jesse hisself on local news.
Balthayzr> I'll trade ya.
Balthayzr> I think "The Jesse Ventura Story" refers to a badtime tale Jesse wove for his kids.
Balthayzr> bedtime tale, even.
Ironf> HE CAN MOVE FASTER THAN LIGHT!!!
Plumm> Vote for me! I'm weaselly!
KevinL> Two guys on a motorcycle. At least that's not gay.
BryanL> And I think the odds of Dean Barkley riding the back of Jesse's hog are pretty fucking slim, too.
Balthayzr> To a Democrat, *Both sides* of an issue means the regular left wing and the extreme left wing.
BryanL> Um... I don't remember this at all.
Ironf> Bry, Kev, did this cut air?
KevinL> Fuckin' kill me now.
KevinL> It cut cheese, Iron.
mgrasso> holy shit, i go to make a sammich, and sister souljah shows up?
Plumm> i had the same sammich experience.
Ironf> Can they not even get the rights for "my governor can beat up your governor"?
mgrasso> got to admit, though, that kid's got tyrell's weird-ass eyebrow down.
Balthayzr> The only thing in this movie that actually happened is that Jesse is a carbon-based life form.
KevinL> Wow, they said "Pioneer Press". They must really be filming in Minnesota.
mgrasso> ah, remember these days of 1998, fellas? when we followed jesse's campaign with increasing interest? those were the days.
BryanL> Heh. Backroom politics... only it's frontroom.
Balthayzr> Why is Jesse debating William Shatner?
KevinL> Norm "Quimby" Coleman.
Plumm> Because he's stalking himself.
* mgrasso coughs up some sammich crumbs
Balthayzr> Jesse "The Doppleganger" Ventura.
mgrasso> surprisingly, skip humphrey and norm coleman played each other.
mgrasso> ah, fakey email.
mgrasso> the circle (jerk) is complete
BryanL> All the kids were abuzz in their chatrooms about the Jesse guy.
BryanL> There weren't Jesse figures.
KevinL> Church? Mom, dad says he could body-slam Jesus any day.
Balthayzr> So, the Jesse dolls were just recolored Hollywood Hogan dolls?
Plumm> did the wife really name him and write the commercials, or did they make that up too?
BryanL> I loved legalized prostitution when I was in the army!
KevinL> Legalize pot and hookers so I don't have to break the law so damn much!
Balthayzr> "Where do you stand on Prostitution?" " Over one fifth and main.....oops."
Plumm> GO JESSE!
BryanL> Again, the Minneapolis Opinion
BryanL> They need that Hitchhiker's Guide caption. "THIS NEVER HAPPENS". Blinking on and off.
Plumm> I love it when he says those convoluted campaign quotes verbatim stacatto.
Balthayzr> "I never said I was against cold coffee and runny eggs!"
KevinL> I think what the jerk meant to say was that he'd rather have a hooker than a wife. Oh, that's not right.
Balthayzr> Vote for Jesse or we'll show you his batch!"
mgrasso> so, let's see.
mgrasso> this movie is an hour and a half of midget wrestling, and a half-hour replay of his commercials.
KevinL> Hey, Jesse was wearing underpants for -that- one.
BryanL> Ladies and gentlemen, that was the most accurate thing in this entire movie.
mgrasso> yeah, he got the wink down, fifteenth take.
Balthayzr> I hear Jesse tried out for this, but just wasn't right for the part.
BryanL> Jesse wanted script approval, but nobody approved of the script.
Balthayzr> In the end, the whole thing will turn out to be some plot by Lex Luthor.
Balthayzr> Well, the wretling parts had scripts, anyways.
Balthayzr> Yes, I use 48 point font in my e-mail all the time.
mgrasso> jesse sits back and watches the fireworks.
mgrasso> and we enter jesse's fantasy world.
Balthayzr> Whoa. Jesse's gone bye-bye.
KevinL> Jesse's turned into a delusional schizophrenic?
Balthayzr> And Kane's coming out to be his vice-candidate!
KevinL> If I'm elected, I won't try to fix anything.
BryanL> Now -that's- a goal he's achieved.
Plumm> Hey Jesse, you;re so wacked, you're so wacked you blow my mind, hey Jesse! o/~
Balthayzr> Could we have some more secrets of wrestling revealed, Jesse?
Ironf> I'm a handsome man.
mgrasso> quiche, anyone?
Balthayzr> And Jesse brings the viewers some nice Rice Crispy Squares.
KevinL> We bought our votes, just like Jack Kennedy.
mgrasso> augh, i'm having seizures from the fakey web page.
BryanL> I also don't recall him wearing the fringe jacket.
Balthayzr> Who's narrating now, Doogie Howser?
mgrasso> wow, against helmet laws.
mgrasso> start seeing ex-wrestlers.
BryanL> Jesse kisses the ass of the constituency!
KevinL> Gary Busey was right!
Plumm> movie go away
mgrasso> wackiness quotient.... rising.
mgrasso> noogies. wow.
Balthayzr> I'm sensing the director just kinda gave up at this point.
Ironf> Is he wrestling in Japan for a exploding corners match?
BryanL> There was this weird organ music, honey. Did you take your Ritalin?
Balthayzr> So, Minnesota has a law that you can't wear a suit until you hold public office?
KevinL> This docudrama is so flawed, I hear Jesse loses the election at the end.
BryanL> It's not like there's tons of footage of him NOT WEARING THE JACKET.
Ironf> I remember this night fondly.
Balthayzr> We all do.
mgrasso> i was on irc.
mgrasso> like every other night.
mgrasso> i was in fucking canada, unable to share in america's victory.
mgrasso> whoa! smokey the bear comes out for jesse!
Balthayzr> "Governor Ventura, we'd like to glue this Official Governor Suit to you, now."
Ironf> and his dad appears like Obi's ghost
Plumm> NOw it collides with the Tim Daly Waco TV docudrama, and Clinton sends in the tanks to kill him.
Balthayzr> And, the NWO runs in and beats Jesse down.
KevinL> Actually, if I recall correctly, he wasn't wearing that jacket when he gave this "speech".
BryanL> This movie makes a bold statement. "We at NBC can lie about events that happened six months ago, and you won't care, because we've systematically drained your attention spans to a three-minute maximum."
KevinL> We shot the world. But we did not shoot the deputy.
Plumm> his dad
Ironf> HAH I kinda called it
Balthayzr> "THanks, Yoda."
BryanL> What the hell was that?
Ironf> Wow, really?
Plumm> boy you can say that again
mgrasso> called the obi-wan thing, ironf
Balthayzr> ANd Jesse sees the light, just like in Blues Brothers.
Plumm> I hope someone grabbed that
BryanL> Good one, Kev.
Ironf> I got it plumm
KevinL> Jesse's dad was the last man to ever fix a pothole in the state of Minnesota.
Balthayzr> The next 5 minutes are made up of Jesse speaking his mind, and then retracting it 2 days later.
Balthayzr> Stay tuned for Scenes from next Sundays "Blatant Lies Theatre!!"
BryanL> And now, NBC Nightly News. We made this shit up too?
BryanL> There's no war in Kosovo! SUCKERS!
"A six-month kick in the coconuts."
"But let me tell you, those are coconuts worth having."
"Pain is good. Let's sell."
"Come on. Who cares, right?"
"Win if you can, lose if you must, but always, always cheat!"
"No way in hell Raven goes down tonight!"
"Hey Jesse, de exploshuns are ready!"
"I used to hide stuff like this in my trunks!"
"The American Dream still rocks!"
We plebeians couldn't attend the black tie gala affair of the inauguration of Governor Jesse. But thanks to Minneapolis/St. Paul Action News 4, and the helpful captioning of HG Industries, you too can feel like you were there, eating the Governor's patented Rice Krispy Squares and guzzling Old Mil from a fluted champag-en glass.
|"Right now, my colon is as tight as a snare drum. Just like this. *clenches fist* I blame Agent Orange."|
|"Jesus, look at the glare coming off his head! It's like a shiny melon!|
|"So, the black helicopters fumigate the streets of downtown with the chemical, and we give that wuss Lambert bronchitis. Sounds good."|
|"Jesse, how does Secretary of Defense Schwarzenegger zound? At least I don't have to be born in ze U.S. for zat job."|
|"Who's the white governor who's a sex machine to all the chicks? Jesse! Damn right."|