x59 JAWS 2 (1/12/98)

MOVIE
In this sequel to Cabin Boy, we continue the saga of The Filthy Whore which has gone to Amity Island, Hawaii. This time, the crew is joined by the tan Roy Scheider and Darwin, who gets eaten within the first half hour prompting the hackneyed, "JAAAAAAAAWS!" yell by Scheider. Anyway, Scheider's son hangs out with Weird Al and some other fun loathing local teens who sit around in damp basements debating the visual nature of Dada as well as playing Magic: The Gathering. Through some odd act of God, they meet up with a rebel in a torn leather jacket who convinces them to take their bitterness to the streets, which they do by placing burning bags of dog urine on the laps of wheelchair riding senior citizens. It's only a matter of time before they take their hijinx to the high seas, where they get attacked by a man-eating great caucassian shark known only as Jaws (clearly a symbol for the Jews). With the aid of the Blue Thunder prototype, Roy saves the kids, and they all have a good laugh and story to tell their grandkids. The highlight of this film is when Roy clears a beach of people by shooting his gun into the air SIX TIMES only to get yelled at by David Hasselhoff. You could really feel the love between the two. Also, John Williams reprises his version of Dvorak's Symphony No. 9.

THE ATTACK OF CHOCKI - HALF MAN, HALF SHARK
dungarees> The weather doesn't look all the rough, and the tiny ship cannot be said to be tossed
ACTION: Q sings opening theme to riptide
dungarees> One hole mini-golf: a short-lived 80's fad
lando5> a high school band played at the launching of the SeaQuest?
mgrasso> princess di: the early years
dungarees> Girl from Ipanema by John Phillip SOuza
THX-1138> Tall and pale and thin and wasted...
dungarees> A young Weird Al Yankovic experiences formative shunning
lando5> Darwin: The Dark Side
Jamie> And throw Nick Adams overboard!
mgrasso> those yellow shorts are actually NBA regulation length from 1978
dungarees> Well, there's Tenille...where's the captain?
Q> okay, i hereby vote this movie the worst-dressed of all the movies we've done so far. i don't care if we're only ten minutes in, this is eye pollution
IronF> Oh I remember when all we had were 20 strong men to row the boat really fast for us to ski.
lando5> okay...is there anyone here NOT rooting for the shark at this point?
mgrasso> i want more movies written from the shark's point of view
dungarees> Shoil? SHOIL!
Q> stop attacking the boat or i'll emmolate myself!
lando5> yep...I'll DEFINITELY makeBass Masters for this one!
mgrasso> this group of kids later went on to go to camp with jason
BillBear> Dammit, Scheider, this is not your personal Orca!
dungarees> That's wasteful! There are starving sharks in Ethiopia
Q> no shark problem can stand up to the awesome power of my hairpiece
BillBear> GIVE ME BACK MY SHARK!
IronF> I loved my dead gay orca!
Q> for moment there scheider slipped into "mac alert sounds"
Jamie> Jaw-awaws! Come out and play-ay-ay!
THX-1138> This looks like a job for Blue Thunder.
Praxis> Blue Thunder, Hell... he needs seaQuest...
BillBear> That's the strangest recipe for jello jigglers I've ever seen.
dungarees> Oh dear...I never ever ever need to see his concave chest again, thanks
IronF> Roy's chest is made of pleather.
lando5> Three words...SMOR...GAS...BORD!! Oh, BABY!
dungarees> I'd LOVE to shoot a butt like that
lando5> Man...James Horner WISHES he was as consistently original and non-derivative as John Williams...
Djenk> it's not shocker, Schieder loves his BLu Blockers
dungarees> Yes! He shot a little kid! I LOVE this movie!
Jamie> The Roy who cried, "SHARK! SHARK! RUN AWAY!!! SHARK!!"
THX-1138> I know sharks! I watch Shark Week on the Discovery channel every year!
BillBear> Is that a picutre of Mr Roper?
Djenk> Hell, Roy, why stop there, there a half bottle left ther
Q> we come on the sloop john b...our bad haircuts and we...
Jamie> Captain Chachi.
THX-1138> She wishes she was Kate Winslet
lando5> Porkchops and Applesause...TOP O' THE WORLD, MA!!!
IronF> see if only they had all been nude, they wouldn't have had all that wet clothes wieght to pull around.
Djenk> Talking to yourself, Brodie. is a sign of impednign mental doom
ACTION: Q tries very, very hard not to make a twilight zone: the movie ref here
ACTION: Ironf is trying very hard not to make some sort of comment on fish and the girl.
lando5> is that a half-hitch or a sheep shank?
dungarees> She's adlibbing the Hail Mary...I'm pretty sure that's not allowed
Q> o/~ under the sea...under the AAAUUUUGGGGHHH!!!!!
BillBear> What this movie needs is more luffing.
Q> dung: blame syd field and his wonderful world of planting...and payoff
IronF> Jeez your dad is reatarded.
Jamie> Authorized Duplication prevented under Laws of All That is Good and Holy.
BillBear> Now the soundtrack thinks it's The Explorers.
IronF> little superman in the end there.
dungarees> I learned that Donny Most is not the least attractive red headed man on the planet
Djenk> I learned that Roy needs to keep his day job on the Seaquest
dungarees> I also learned that Roy is nothing without PETER
IronF> I learned that robosharks are indeed the deadliest "creatures" known to film.
Q> i learned that a bespectacled raimi superglued to a comm chair is the only thing that can make scheider look good
Balthayzr> I learned I liked Emeril's Blavkened Fish Recipe better?
Djenk> I learned that both feral cats and robosharks are susceptible to faulty wiring
lando5> I learned that watching Daniel Stern get run down like a dog can make Scheider tolerable for brief periods...granted, I didn't learn it in THIS movie, but I did learn it...
Djenk> I also learned that one should gargle before attempting virtual life-savign measures ;)

SHARK FIN SOUP
"I'm hungry."
"Make it go away. Make it go away."
"It's underwater isn't it? That's why it's so dark."
"Wanna fool around?"
"She's dancing! Dancing around in her towel!"

STINGER

CRAPPY TRIVIA: Original director John D. Hancock was fired and replaced by Jeannot Szwarc. John decided to devote his time to something he only referred to as "The Declaration of Independence."