Ever read The Hobbit, or the Lord or the Rings trilogy, sure, we all have. Well this movie stole greatly from them, plus had a sprinkle of showtunes, and a hole heaping tablespoon full of fey. I mean there is enough fey here to fill up three dumpsters plus a bit more. Tom Cruise, fey posterboy, stars as a slightly taller Willow. Farris Bueller's girlfriend stars as his girlfriend. Typecasting at it's best I guess. And some guy from one of the later bad Star Trek series. Anyway, she breaks the horn off a unicorn, and this allows Tim Currey to invade the world and mold it to his desire, namely making everyone act and look like TCurryfan. IT'S TRUE! So the king of all that is fey gathers with his friend Billy Barty, who for some reason speaks some Spanish in this film, plus some other fairy peoples, cause fairies flock to fey like flies on, well you know, to kill the devil and institute LRon as final ruler of all that is good and fine in the world.
FEY FEY FEY FEY FEY
KevinL> Music by Jan Hammer.
BryanL> Casio, master of the wavetable panflute.
KevinL> Or maybe Enya.
bowleg> so let me see... a prominent scientologist star, 3 hours, a cheesy demon, etc. Sounds really tempting.
BryanL> THREE hours? No way am I staying for three fucking hours.
Ironf> Dark Crystal: The Musical
Plum> Jim Henson's Gargoyle Babies.
THX-1138EB> Ewww, Gay Demon Subtext
Plum> Pinnochio Demon as Monica Lewinsky.
Balthayzr> Meanwhile, in the land of the Mutant Cottonwood Trees, the Dryer Lint harvest was coming in...
Balthayzr> I take it this movie is when Ridley Scott got his Soft Filter Lens assortment in the mail....
Plum> Yeah, lady, every woman and man in Hollywood "held little Magic" in the 80s.
GersonK> So, that's the way it is in that family
Balthayzr> Days of Fluffy Thunder!
Plum> Ever Crapter: A Legend Story.
THX-1138EB> Jack is homeless since he lost his job as a powerful sports agent
Balthayzr> Show me the pixie dust!!!
Balthayzr> Should we be worried that the hero is mesmerized by shiny things?
Balthayzr> Is this the FMV opening for Final Fantasy 27?
Balthayzr> So, unicorns actually have Twizzlers sticking out of their heads?
bowleg> let the record show that this cranberry apple pie is really good.
GersonK> so, to summarize the plot. The mangoat's up to no good, Tom and Ferris Bueller's girlfriend have frolicked, and some unicorns wandered about.
Balthayzr> Look! When you fuck with the unicorns, it makes stock footage of the sky go faster!!
THX-1138EB> Hey, the music from Forensic detectives
Ironf> Use your OT powers Tom!
Plum> So, they're trapped giant bottle of Orbit?
GersonK> Only Jack Frost can save her now
Balthayzr> So, unicorn are some sort of Weather Control? Explains an antenna that points to heaven, i guess...
Balthayzr> They're gonna get cancer breathing in all the asbestos in the air.
bowleg> All I know is, I'm glad I'm not watching "Shaft in Africa"
THX-1138EB> Aren't these characters from Power Rangers?
Ironf> They will be one day
Balthayzr> I miss the subtle villany of the Guyver.
Balthayzr> And Jack doesn't know enough to come out of the snow. Our Hero.
Balthayzr> In the land of Dairy Queen...
Ironf> Billy Barty!
Plum> Willy Wonka's Winter Pervertland starring Yoda.
GersonK> Tom does believe in fairies!
Balthayzr> So, doesn't he have to roll dice to see if that armor fits?
Ironf> This is some LSD induced cross between "Meet the Feebles" and a Grimm fairy tale, isn't it
Balthayzr> Since the head monster is Tim Curry, you think TCurryfan is one of the little guys?
Balthayzr> What's he doing? Gathering spices to cook the unicorn?
THX-1138EB> Isn't this the guy from The Wizard?
Balthayzr> "Assault on the North Pole, Starring Lee Majors!!"
GersonK> Would you keep your skirt down please, Tom
Balthayzr> Since when did badmition become a usable defense skill?
Balthayzr> Roundtongue? Isn't that Jonah's porn name?
GersonK> Buffalo shot won't you come out tonight
Balthayzr> So, I take it this is the slums of the Emerald City.
Ironf> Is this where they find out that thier strong man now works as a maid?
Balthayzr> Entrance designed by Wile E. Coyote.
GersonK> you know, some S&M clubs take things too far
Balthayzr> I'm detecting a supreme lack of Shaft in this sequel.
THX-1138EB> I love Tom's Goldar armor
GersonK> Really, what good is armor that stops 1/2 inch below your waist?
Ironf> I'm sensing strong pedophilic overtones here
Balthayzr> OK, this is beginning to smack of kiddie porn.
Balthayzr> Mr. Ridley Scott has some real issues to work out, and guess what? We get to watch him do it!!
THX-1138EB> Didn't NBC later re-make this as Merlin?
Balthayzr> I bet tCurryFan has that little speech as her start-up sound.
BEMaven> Did everyone in this movie disguise their voices?
Balthayzr> Yep. Golden armor is *perfect* for covert missions.
BEMaven> Why is Tom Cruise dressed like Tina Turner?
Ironf> Cause Travolta dressed as Ike?
Balthayzr> And to top it off, all the heroes have glitter glued to their faces. Yes, its Fey: The Motion Picture.
Balthayzr> And she releases the 13 Ghosts of Scooby Doo.
Balthayzr> That's what this movie needed. More Goth.
Balthayzr> Well, now we know where Joe Bob got those horns on his chair from....
THX-1138EB> He's almost pushing Dorn
Ironf> man looking at Simone is like looking at a board
THX-1138EB> He's gonna call Elron
Balthayzr> I bet this movie had a Shit-blowing-around Wrangler.
GersonK> o tom, no crouching
Balthayzr> This is what happens when Tolkien's estate lets those copyrights run out.
THX-1138EB> For "the Devil" he really doesn't have a well-developed upper body
Balthayzr> "Dear Penthouse letters> I am an Evil god of a minor dimension. I never thought this would happen to me, but..."
BEMaven> I beginning to think the lady with no cleavage is a metaphor for internships at the White House.
THX-1138> Just like a Scientologist to bring a pantless suit of armor to a demonic fist fight.
Balthayzr> And cruise holds out a cape with an anvil behind it.
GersonK> Want to know how to defeat the Mangoat in a swordfight? Page 296.
Ironf> Cue Highlander theme
Ironf> or various Queen filler music
Balthayzr> She must be infected with too mant Thetans.
Balthayzr> It must be OK. There's just nice crap blowing around, now.
Balthayzr> Moral: Trust others to fix your messes.
Ironf> That or never touch anything long and hard
GersonK> I mean, it's over, it's done, so roll the credits already
THX-1138> This wants to be a power ballad so much
Balthayzr> I learned that this was filmed on just about as many sets as The Undead.
GersonK> I learned armor doesn't have to protect your batch
BEMaven> I learned never to eat spicy food after watching "willow".
Balthayzr> I learned the power of ElRon can cure the death of a loved one that screwed up your job.
GersonK> I learned Tom Cruise and John Travolta are loaud and proud
BEMaven> I learned that bigass directors suffer from learning disabilities.
Balthayzr> I learned that directors shouldn't be allowed near camera equipment after reading The Hobbit.
"Stay clear of toadstool rings, and willow trees"
"You're no beauty yerself!"
"I only wanted to touch one."
"Here's to Jack, loving fool and fairy friend."
"You don't really need to eat me, do you ma'am?"
"Am I not sweet?"
"It's just more fairy glamour."
"letttt the sunshine in..."
"The birth of new world awaits your stroke."
GREAT GOOGLY MOOGLY!
*** Batman (firstname.lastname@example.org) has joined #MST-HomeGame
Batman> I need recruits
Ironf> dununununu Batman!
Batman> for the Internet JLA!
Batman> for the details come to #Batcave
* Batman out!
bowleg> I'm intruiged and bemused by this whimsical Batman.
*** Batman (email@example.com) has left #M
Balthayzr> Hey, the Batcave is recruting Justice League members!!
bowleg> Balth, didn't you hear? He's starting an Internet Justice League!!! AMAZING!!!!
bowleg> I want to get in on the ground floor of that, to be sure
THX-1138EB> It could get as big as the George Kennedy fan club.
Balthayzr> I call whatever super-villian is the first to wipe them all out.
GersonK> Yup Balth, I think we need to start our own Legion of Doom. I dibs Solomon grundy.
* Ironf wants to be Solomun Grundy
Balthayzr> Fine. I call Sinestro.
* GersonK grunts incoherently at Ironf
Ironf> me solomun grundy. me bash you real good
bowleg> Can I be one of the villains that stood at the back and didn't really say much?
bowleg> Failing that, dibs on
* GersonK picks up Plum and clubs Ironf with him.
bowleg> "Black Vulcan"
GersonK> sorry Plum, you shouldn't have been standing there
Ironf> BV was a good guy
bowleg> your point is? I WANT TO BE BLACK VULCAN DAMNIT!!!
* Ironf finally agrees to be Gorilla Grodd
GersonK> I knew you'd see it my way. wait a second, Gorilla Grod IS cooler. what the hell was I thinking
I've gotten e-mail on why it takes so long to get these pages up after a game. Well we here at HG Industries strive to do very extensive research on each and everypage. And this time we have struck gold. Shown here is Batman, who was so kind to think of us when he wanted to start up his own Internet JLA. After hiring some of the best papparazzi, we were able to score this other fine picture. Yes we have discovered that Batman is playboy Bruce Wayne! There you go folks.
UPDATE Due to our error in not realizing that secret identities are secret for a reason, millionaire playboy Bruce Wayne was killed last week in a freak "accident". It seems he was shot, set on fire, poisoned, attacked by killer penguins, half-eaten by a giant man eating plant, all while at his home. Sorry Bruce.
In a releated story, HG Industries have learned that Superman is really Clark Kent. More to follow.
SAUCEY GK NEWS
George Kennedy and his 66 year old wife have legally adopted their 4 year old grand-daughter Taylor. Taylor's *mother* is Kennedy's 32 year old adopted daughter from his first marriage - she has had drug problems and is currently in jail. [Globe 6/2/98 p. 12] m.p.
The following views are not supported or endorsed by HG Industries
I saw several scenes being made from Thunderbolt & Lightfoot in my hometown, Great Falls, MT. I watched some filming at the church George Kennedy got roaring drunk every night in the Horizon Bar.
Another commercial that gives me grief is that damn George Kennedy and the bitch who doesn't like some dude's breath. I think George should stick to hemerroid and gas relief commercials. Or maybe he should be plugging that ointment that relieves "winter itch", I'm sure a fat blue hair like George suffers from that.