When alien Devo fans from Planet X ask to borrow Godzilla and Rodan for a little "cleaning" job to take care of their own little three-headed, two-assed monster problem they charmingly call Monster Zero, Earth says "good riddance." Wackiness ensues when the aliens predictably use magnetic waves to control the tiny monster minds and turn them against Earth. Through the power of love and really annoying noisemakers, Earth is trumphant as always, the aliens blow themselves up in a fit of pique, and Monster Zero flies away with his tails tucked between his asses. Not to be missed is Godzilla's famous "victory dance." As goofy as it looks, it really was an actual dance called the "Jumping Shie" which was popular in Japan at the time. That Godzilla. What a goof!
BROTHER, CAN YOU SPARE A KAIJU?
MrBooze> Meanwhile, enjoy some shots of pool chlorine dispersers
MrBooze> Starring NICK ADAMS! And some funny-named asian people.
dungarees> Sobakawa helmets!
MrBooze> The ancient secret of buckwheat husks revolutionizes space travel.
* Ironf turns and nods to people
dungarees> They're either sobakawas, or their helmets are filled with soothing mineral ice
Ironf> They're heads are kept cold for freshness.
MrBooze> You didn't contradict him, did you? You are a woman, you know.
MrBooze> We think Planet X is the ultimate source of the Jerky Boys
MrBooze> It's possible that these are unintelligent radio waves. They may just be rebroadcasting Howard Stern
Ironf> How DO they cram all that gram?
dungarees> It looks like a big grass spot, but maybe it's the sea....or a giant blueberry pancake
MrBooze> Rotating IUD. Over.
THX-8311> Models by Estes.
dungarees> Tampon technology was scary in the 60s
Ironf> I bet they use that footage in reverse for the take off later.
MrBooze> Lowering pooper scooper...
dungarees> Extending dental mirror
MrBooze> So they flew out to planet X to search for lost watches and change?
dungarees> Aaaagh! A huge slice of bread is going to crush us!
MrBooze> Wow. Even the space ship has a wheelchair lift. That ADA is unstoppable.
Ironf> Look on the hill, a small boy with short shorts is waving.
THX-8311> Damn you! I go for a glass of Tang and you jump out to become the first man on Planet X! Bastard!
MrBooze> Lowering Space Explorer Ken
dungarees> Those granny boots are pretty fly.
THX-8311> Flag on planet X. How did it get there?
MrBooze> "Plant the flag". That's what the astronauts call it.
Ironf> Gah reverse scratches! Watch out!
dungarees> It's a durkee fried onion shower! Run!
THX-8311> Thunder and lightning. Crimson and clover. Think about it won't you?
dungarees> So....Japan likes to be on top, eh?
Ironf> These aren't bottom Japanese then, huh Pants?
cthulhu> Really Dung... you need to watch more violent animated porn.
MrBooze> Were these Crop Circles created by visiting Earthmen?
THX-8311> He stepped into the cylinder...and vanished.
Ironf> I am Mr. Fuji, do not resist or I will hit you over the back with my cane or flag.
MrBooze> It's White Sale day at NASA.
MrBooze> The light is mother. The light is father.
dungarees> The light decides who will stay and who will go
Ironf> DON'T CROSS THE BEAMS!!!!
dungarees> This is a really bad subliminal wonderbread ad
MrBooze> Did ancient astronauts play with Nick Adam's head?
MrBooze> Enter the vagina!
Ironf> Meet the diaphram.
THX-8311> The Japanese Devo
MrBooze> On my planet, alll children must spend 1 year with their head in a bowling ball polisher.
THX-8311> Monster Zero is like a storm raging inside you.
MrBooze> Ghidorah just got drunk on Boone's farm and is now out joyriding and shooting at rabbits
dungarees> How can you be THAT scared of a monster that shoots silly string?
Ironf> I wonder how much the average Godzilla movie cost. Twelve, thirteen bucks?
MrBooze> Nah, this one had a huge budget thanks to Nick Adams massive salary.
Ironf> Isn't water DI-Hydrogen Oxide?
dungarees> I wonder how the reception is on those wicked Hell's Angels yarmulkes
MrBooze> However, do not let your females handle this miracle drug.
* dungarees considers having a cervical camera installed too
MrBooze> Meanwhile in the Center for Big Buildings....
dungarees> Is she the head of the geishas union or somethign?
MrBooze> They call me "Fabian"
Ironf> Well he tans nicely.
dungarees> Oh man....give him the hippity hop helmet back, please! Anything but the white man's fro!
THX-8311> White man in love with an asian woman? Must be yellow fever.
Ironf> Just look at that hair eat the scenery.
Ironf> I gotta go get blowed up real good.
Ironf> But it's funny radioactivity that only tans out faces and not our hands.
THX-8311> Feel the interaction...the intensity. It's like Homicide.
cthulhu> Wait a minute... I thought that Japan wasn't supposed to have a military!
THX-8311> Godzilla, now with more bubbles and scrubbing action.
MrBooze> The chlorine dispenser is taking off!
MrBooze> Wait for it. Godzilla looks incredibly adorable in a minute.
THX-8311> Funny, he doesn't have a mute or power button on him.
MrBooze> A planet where men evolved from Droopy?
dungarees> Are those 'aim here' buttons over their hearts/
THX-8311> So the neck brace aliens.
cthulhu> They came from the same planet as Gordi LaForge.
Ironf> The Big G-Daddy
MrBooze> He's so CUTE with his tail tucked like that!
MrBooze> All those guys are thinking "if I could tuck my tail like that..."
MrBooze> Wait! "To Borrow Godzilla"...IT'S A COOKBOOK!!!
cthulhu> If these aliens are so advanced why do they need to outsource for monsters?
MrBooze> It's just more efficient, cth. They're savvy businessmen.
cthulhu> What... does... God... need.... with.... Godzilla?
MrBooze> Hah hah! These japanese women will believe anything.
dungarees> What's wrong with you, bitch? I mean, other than you not having a Y chromosome?
Ironf> Have you ever tried to feed and clean up after one of these monsters?
cthulhu> We can't come back... we don't know how it works... GOOD BYE!!
THX-8311> Don't forget Godzilla's chew toy!
MrBooze> We will now begin the ritual game of popomatic trouble.
THX-8311> Golgi vesicles AWAY!
cthulhu> My God... it's full of `zilla
THX-8311> Godzilla, Starchild of the future.
MrBooze> Meanwhile, Tuggles the Tug Boat makes a startling discovery
THX-8311> That's another project you've bungled, Mr. Bungle.
* dungarees wonders about the Wisdom of using Walter Matthau for Japanese voice overs
dungarees> It's the O'Hare United terminal
THX-8311> Into the Time Tunnel!
cthulhu> A planet where trapdoor spiders evoled from man!
Ironf> Strobe light vaginas. I like it.
MrBooze> All vaginas are strobe lit, Ironf. Admit it, you've never looked.
dungarees> They're not so great, Ironf. You have to have warnings for epileptics tatooed on your vulva.
cthulhu> Wake up Godzilla honey... we're at grandmas
MrBooze> Uh oh...Godzilla's getting an enema
THX-8311> Sorry, I don't remember you. Must be the rohypnol.
MrBooze> The hell? Rodan? Is that you? What did we drink last night?
THX-8311> Dance of joy
MrBooze> Rodan is basically a big three-headed water wiggle.
* MrBooze does the godzilla victory hop
cthulhu> THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS!!!!!
cthulhu> Be sure to flush when your done.
cthulhu> Whitman Samplers OF THE YEAR 5000!
MrBooze> Rodan has apparently forgotten he can fly.
THX-1138> I love you! Stay alive no matter what may occur! I will find you!
MrBooze> From now on, Hitler's first name was...MITTENS!
THX-1138> From Adult Entertainment Weekly: Joyce Allen, star of Anal-conda, has signed on to star in The Monster From Planet XXX.
MrBooze> This is it, people. We have no choice. Do we still have Gamera's cell phone number?
THX-1138> If it's played backwards, it says "Godzilla is dead."
cthulhu> Quick! Someone call Voltron or G-Force or even that A-ko chick!
MrBooze> The Japenese are really sorry they passed all that anti-monster legislation in the 80s.
MrBooze> Get Michael Crichton! He can tell us how to make some dinosaurs!
dungarees> She's a slave to her vibrator.
Ironf> This is what happens after King Kong was aquitted for beating Godzilla.
THX-1138> I got chunk of guys like you in my stool alien boy!
Ironf> Oh right in the uterus.
Ironf> Now, Now, he said the bars were soundproof, not the space inbetween.
MrBooze> Rand McNally wants their globe back, sir.
cthulhu> Why not, Don Corleone can't refuse a request on his daughter wedding day.
THX-1138> Damn, someone must have uploaded a computer virus with their Mac.
cthulhu> You know, Japan must have a lot of tax money set aside for monster damage.
cthulhu> The weapon was designed by Kurt Cobain and Rober Downy Jr.
Ironf> Godzilla ate a whole container of Altoids. You know they are curiously strong.
MrBooze> AHHH! The violent porn media center! RUINED!
MrBooze> Oh, man! Not the DRAM factory! Now memory prices are gonna skyrocket!
MrBooze> If you think about it, is a big red bullseye really the best design for a flag?
THX-1138> Godzilla's having a stroke!
* MrBooze imagines in the big Disney animated Godzilla that Ghidorah will be voiced by Mel Gibson, Danny Glover, and Joe Pesci
MrBooze> It's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited!
cthulhu> Someone stick a wallet under his tounge!
dungarees> why do we CARE about the recent advances in cotton candy technology at this juncture?
Ironf> Godzilla has been working out using the slam man, I see.
THX-1138> Godzilla's gonna tie it's heads and tails together into a giant bow.
Ironf> I learned that Godzilla is a damn fine dancer.
MrBooze> I learned not to trust aliens that lurk in your lakes and polish their heads.
dungarees> I learned that a plot comprehension devices should have been issued at the outset
THX-1138> I learned that the new Godzilla movie would be better if it involved more battling monsters.
cthulhu> I learned that nearly 1/2 of Japan's GNP is in Monster Protection.
THX-1138> I really just want Rampage: the Movie
ALIENS CAN'T LIVE BY HYDROGEN DIOXIDE ALONE
"I have found a love beyond all computation."
"You guys are sick freaks. Have fun with your little movies and spilling semen on the floor." -- Ispep, under the guise of Ekoc
There are two words that sum up the indomitable heart and spirit of Godzilla vs Monster Zero: Nick Adams.
Starring in the pivotal role of "Astronaught Glenn," Nick Adams brings that good old yankee fire to the tired Godzilla franchise. Born to the name "Nicholas Adamshock" in 1931 (just four days after Della Reese) into the sweltering Summer of Nanticoke, Pennsylvania, Nick's career shot skyward like bullets on the 4th of July. From his unforgettable role as "Moose" in Rebel Without a Cause, to the soft gooey center he revealed in Pillow Talk, Nick was the gaseous giant at the center of every film he appeared in. Beloved by his peers, Nick even received an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor for his role in 1963's Twilight of Honor, but lost that award to the despicable Melvyn Douglas for his unremarkable appearance in Hud.
It has been reported that Nick's career ended tragically in Beverly Hills, California on February 7th, 1968. This is in fact not true. Nick's career had already ended a few years earlier. He did, however, die of a drug overdose that day. For the record, Nick Adams was uncircumcised.
Here's to you, Nick Adams! One of the good dead ones.