x178 HOWLING VI: THE FREAKS (10/18/98)

FUR IS MURDER

Directed by Hope ("Pet Shop") Perello

Written by Kevin ("Philadelphia Experiment II") Rock

It's time once again to play I Could Care Less... the game where it pays to be indifferent. The rules are simple. While watching a HG movie, each player must find one character we could care less about than the rest of the cast. The player who finds the most unexciting character, the one we couldn't possibly care less about, is the winner.

MOVIE
Today we have a real toughie: "Howling VI", a thoroughly unnecessary sequel to the Joe Dante / Rob Bottin horror favorite. It contains as many tiresome characters per segment as a Jean Claude Van Damme double feature. For starters, we have a totally ineffectual town preacher who can't make the sign of the cross without blueprints. As an added burden, there's his winsome daughter, a total innocent in matters of chastity. Another candidate for dismissal is the supposed hero, a drifter whose repeated transformations into a werewolf causes an old groin injury to flare up. It would hardly be a HG movie without a ridiculously obvious villain: a circus owner who belatedly changes into a chrome-coated, limited edition vampire (available at the Sci-Fi Shop for just $49.95). There's also a town Sheriff who keeps mislaying his gun, Carol Lynley in a disposable cameo, and a bevy of circus freaks... all smothering under a thick blanket of obscurity.

Just pick the character that stirs your deepest feelings of apathy and dial MCMXCIX. Today's winner will receive a video containing every cameo appearance made by Stephen King in crappy adaptations of his stories.

HIDEBOUND
BEMaven> She's running real late in the triathalon.
BryanL> Teddy Ruxpin! NOOOO!
Ironf> Why is Vader chasing the poor fem?
Djenk> Bum in the desert? How'd hew get there?
BryanL> It's like Desperado, only with a valise instead of a guitar. He's a lawyer, I guess.
whitelion1> orchards of blood and sweat.
BEMaven> Oh, God. Amway found them.
BryanL> Tennesee Williams' Bram Stokers Howling 6: The Quickening.
Ironf> Director's cut.
BEMaven> He has a room in the attic of the church? Hope he likes bells.
Ironf> I got some bodies in the back that I need you to sew together and bring to life. Do that and you've got room and board.
BryanL> So. Some guy had the creative vision to mix This Old House and a werewolf movie. And we get to watch.
Ironf> Hot wood working action.
Djenk> Ferlin Husky sings your Gospel favorites.
BryanL> Hammer if you love Jesus!
Ironf> ok, that's enough of the music and church fixin' montage.
Ironf> No, I really mean it.
BryanL> Wow! A vagabond circus caravan! That's what the movie needs!
Djenk> Circus Of The Stupid.
BryanL> Something completely and utterly retarded this way comes.
Plumm> those early travelling gay scientologist road shows created quite a stir.
BEMaven> 'By the prick...'
Djenk> By the thumbing of my pr....no thats not right.
Djenk> So what do we have so far..... a british church restoration artist, a freakshow, and trailer trash.
Q> ya know, it just ain't a movie till there's trailer trash.
Djenk> I thought it wasn't a movie until we had pipes and hallways.
BryanL> Hm. He discarded a severed arm, and he keeps track of the full moon. Is the movie trying to tell us something?
Ironf> Woohoo. freaks.
BEMaven> Boy George in the freak show as a Karma Chameleon?
BryanL> Mummenschantz!
Djenk> When mimes mate.
Plumm> they're really into the annoying midget archetype, ain't they?
BryanL> They're really into the annoying MOVIE archetype.
Djenk> The Girl Who Smells Like Soda Crackers!
Ironf> Where's Shakes?
BEMaven> A clown dentist?
BryanL> So. No actual HOWLING as yet.
Q> only from the audience, bry.
BryanL> And you can buy tapes of your trapped in a room experience at our gift shop.
BEMaven> In the next booth...Sheryl Crowe.
whitelion1> see anything you like madam?
Ironf> cue ICP song.
BryanL> Museum of Oddities! SEE! The Usenet group WITHOUT morons posting to it!
Q> ew - does she have to nurse the teddy bear like that?
BEMaven> "What is that?" Honey, didn't the Freak Show sign provide a clue?
BryanL> The incredible, edible, egg.
Ironf> turtle boy. aheh.
Q> ick! time to wean the bear, toots.
Dark-Ride> I'm not acting. I'm this stoned out in real life, too...now, on to the half-man, half-tire iron!
Q> prehensile nipples. wonder why they never caught on?
Djenk> Oh gee...a drag queen...never see those anywhere....
whitelion1> and now the man that never is alone.
BEMaven> The streetwalker who's her own John?
Dark-Ride> And next we have Alligator Boy's grandfather, Gucci Shoes.
BryanL> And now, the hideous Half Spaz, Half Spaz!
Ironf> Huggybear, noooooo.
Q> ew - it's a black pee wee herman.
Plumm> Escher Fetchit.
Ironf> YES!
Ironf> He's a geek!
Djenk> Finger lickin gooooood.
whitelion1> that's when the Col. won't do.
BEMaven> Wait. he just killed Chicken Boy.
BryanL> Most of the geeks these days are too worried about salmonella.
Dark-Ride> Ozzy Ozbourne's old stage hand...
* Djenk just got the Escer Fetchit line...LOL.
Ironf> Hi, can I come in and be deflowered by you before my father runs you off the land with the shotgun?
BryanL> So, it's more like "the horning".
Q> no no movie, watching ugly people kiss through underexposure does not soften the blow.
Dark-Ride> Watching ugly people suffer from exposure, however...
BEMaven> Restored a church and fooled with the Reverend's daughter. My work is done here.
Q> was that an imploding belch?
BryanL> Oh, yeah. It's the change time.
BryanL> All his nails are indicating that turkeys, somewhere, are done.
Ironf> 'Bout time to hear some howling. I was begining to think it was a Marvel movie.
BryanL> How much celery does the foley guy have, anyway?
BEMaven> When did turning into a werewolf start giving you back problems?
Plumm> He should have poked holes in himself before he made his room a microwave.
BryanL> By the time he changes, at this rate, he'll have to change back soon.
Q> so this is a special kind of lycanthropy that just turns you into dee snyder?
Djenk> There's a real freak: A bad guy that can shoot straight....
Q> that's a really weird place to need a kotex...
Djenk> morelatinmumbojumbo.
BryanL> Ah, he's a sensitive new age freakshow owner. He's got a power crystal.
Ironf> I bet they explain that to be a piece of moon quartz or something similarly silly.
Ironf> egg throwing at the werewolf. America's pastime.
BEMaven> It's a small town. The Sheriff doubles as the Village Idiot.
GersonK> If you don't cook it, it's not really an omellette. let's be fair here.
Q> those bars look like doodle-chalk.
Q> mork's gonna be pissed when he finds out that guy has his suspenders.
Ironf> Huggybear scat. *sniff* 1 day old.
BEMaven> so what happened to Carol Lynley? did she do a walk-on and die-off?
lando5> Spiritual fulfillment. From Snackwells. Look for it in the breakfast cereal aisle.
Dark-Ride> We're past due for a visit from the Caring Psychic Family.
BEMaven> Snackwell predicts: The Circus Owner is a werewolf.
Q> shh! they'll hear.
Dark-Ride> Teens across America should sell their Marilyn Manson CDs and buy this movie. All the angst they'll ever need.
GersonK> Man, he could use some of those bio-pore strips.
whitelion1> don't give the cat to the geek.
Ironf> I say the cat is fed to the werewolf withing the next 15 mins or so.
Dark-Ride> Title fight: Alligator Boy vs. Wolfman. The winner: The people who went to see Ben Stiller's new movie.
lando5> down boy.
Q> jeez, that was so bad the cat wasn't even scared.
Dark-Ride> The most vibrant and lively people on the set this day were the ones from the SPCA.
BEMaven> Giraffe-boy shot this scene.
Djenk> The Pheasant Plucker and The Pheasant Pluckers Son!
GersonK> It looks like they waited till the last minute to rent their Halloween costumes.
BEMaven> *Gasp* The attendance doubled...in a town of 15 people.
lando5> man...this tie is really chafing...under this iron collar.
GersonK> A fleet suppository?
THX-1138> Is he chanting OSHA?
lando5> Arcade's talking dirty in Yugoslavian.
BEMaven> More back pain? Whatta wimp.
Dark-Ride> If ever there were a canine in more serious need of some Doan's, I wasn't privy to it.
Dark-Ride> Hey look! It's Ted Nugent!
GersonK> Man, Michael Bolton needs a shave.
BEMaven> Chaney, Jr. NEVER complained about back pain while transforming.
Q> that cat is heavily drugged - no 2 ways about it.
Dark-Ride> I'll pick the cat at 3>1.
whitelion1> by by, kitty.
THX-1138> If you are offended by pussy eating, turn away now!
lando5> who called 15 minutes?
BEMaven> Cat tossing. Sure worth the price of admission.
whitelion1> let's form a mob of ten people.
BEMaven> Yes, act like a town. Vote down the school millage.
lando5> we're not a town...we're an unruly mob...let's start acting like it, people!
Djenk> I've come to die stupidly...
whitelion1> its a couch, its a coffin its both!
Djenk> A Coffin/Futon combo...how neat.
BEMaven> So, the villain is a pewter werewolf?
lando5> why, he's like a young Olivier. Fred Olivier, that is.
Dark-Ride> I'm not too sure falling in love with a dog is proscribed in the Bible.
GersonK> Never kiss with Alpo breath.
lando5> let's melt down the family silver, folks.
BryanL> Where, exactly, in that Bible, is the Werewolf Killing Invocation?
whitelion1> the town had to import some people to make that big a mob.
GersonK> This movie even makes sex boring.
Ironf> It's a fine day for a white welding...
GersonK> The tension, the absolute lack of acting.
BryanL> There's something strangely tragic about a lone werewolf, going off to die, leaving the preacher's daughter behind... wait. Did I say "Tragic"? I meant "Stupid".
lando5> you see the devil...you shoot him. you see the werewolf...you might want to ask him to wise up a bit.
THX-1183> Building code under fire!
Dark-Ride> I wonder if ruffled shirts are standard issue for werewolves.
Ironf> He's a pirate werewolf.
BEMaven> Uh, the priest blessed bullets that were stainless steel.
GersonK> Sooo, there's a werewolf, and the townsfolk wanna kill him.
BEMaven> Maybe we should form a counter-posse. The HGamers outnumber the townsfolk.
GersonK> I dunno, I'm kind of pro-posse.
Dark-Ride> Small-town rednecks beating each other into oblivion. That, I would watch.
lando5> You shoulda hung on to the jammies, Ralph!
BEMaven> Is the villain's bust size increasing?
lando5> shoot and run, boys...shoot and run.
BEMaven> Wolfie needs a D cup at the very least.
Ironf> That puffy shirt sets the townsfolk off every time.
whitelion1> lizzy go get your gun.
Ironf> She gives love a bad name.
whitelion1> wow two in one shot!
lando5> David Bowie goes down like a wuss.
Ironf> deathhump.
lando5> so. WWF rules, then?
Djenk> lando: More like ECW rules....
lando5> fight choreography by Hanna-Barbera.
THX-1183> Put him in a body bag, Jimmy!
Q> this guy is what would happen if gul dukat and the grape ape had a kid.
BryanL> So, really, all this movie's been working up to is a cage match between the werewolf and Captain Shinyhead?
Ironf> nice tongue work there.
Q> yul brynner and richie sambora *are* la cage aux folles!
Dark-Ride> I'm not expert in vampire physiology, but I'm pretty sure the heart's on the OTHER side of the sternum.
Djenk> Sunshine, go away today....don't feel much like fryin....
BEMaven> So, he dies and turns into Tang.
BryanL> There's the whole budget, right there.
Dark-Ride> Betcha next time he won't forget the SPF-30.
lando5> don't you flap your jaw at ME, bloodsucker.
Dark-Ride> Thank you for not making us suffer through another psuedo-love scene.
THX-1183> And now he travels from town to town telling people they wouldn't like him when he gets upset.
lando5> he ain't heavy...he's my lizard-boy.
Ironf> Actually he goes from town to town hunting Jack Palance.
BEMaven> he's going someplace to flush Lizard-boy down a toilet.
Q> so what, if anything, did we learn?
Djenk> I learned that vampires should be more careful with their tent maintenance.
Dark-Ride> I think we learned, above all, that dogs are people too.
Ironf> I learned that this great country was built by the viewing of freaks and we should be proud of it.
BEMaven> We learned that church restoration is a SIGN OF THE DEVIL.
whitelion1> and now, the people who never worked in movies again...
lando5> Allied Lane Pringle Productions? Believe me...I'd have no problem stopping after popping THIS.

ANYONE SEEN SHAGGY?
"British? You mean like they got there in England?"
"Bloody great."
"You're the worst kind of freak...."
"We don't lock up people here for no good reason."
"Is this God's will? Putting some man on display like an animal?"
"You have to practise hard, so you can get good."
"Ian...change."

We have a winner!
Mr. John Smallberries of Lithgow, New Jersey correctly identified the Twin Mimes as the character for whom we couldn't possibly care less. In keeping with the spirit of the proceedings, Mr. Smallberries expressed absolutely no interest in receiving his prize. Check your listings for our upcoming I Could Care Less Tournament Of Champions...featuring the films of Andy Warhol and Stan Brakhage.

BEMaven bears the mark of the Candygram.

GENTLE TO MODERATE PRESSURE