x181 HOUSE ON HAUNTED HILL (11/13/98)
SCHLOCKMEISTERS
Directed by William "Money back if you die" Castle
Written by Robb "The Tingler" White
MOVIE 
The house, which may or may not be on a haunted hill, is just your run of the mill mansion with all the bells and whistles. There is an acid pit in the basement, for one's garbage, of course. Then there are the secret passages in the walls which allow one to move around discretly. Let's not forget the trick mirrors, chandeliers, player piano and the like. All this just so Vinny Price can scare people. He's a zillionaire that gets his kicks by inviting some folks over to spend a night in the house. The prize is a big hunk of dough. To kick it up a notch, Vinny gives everyone a live pistol. BAM! In the end, Vince does a half-gainer into the acid. This was the first film to feature "Emergo", which was nothing more than a plastic skeleton that would swoop around the theater at key moments.
EMERGO!
EMERGO!
SHOCK-O-RAMA
GersonK> "The old fake skeleton a string trick"
BEMaven> Someone still has their finger in Vinnie.
GersonK> Hey, it's that guy. You know, Mr. what's his face, from that thing
BEMaven> Vincent minus body...an improvement?
Bice> The sign of a quality movie - promise cash for death. Worked for the Screaming Skull...
Ironf> Same guy Bice. William Castle
Ironf> He was the model for the John Goodman guy in Matinee
BEMaven> I shudder at how that lady gripped her strap.
Bice> The picked a pretty cheery font for the titles of a horror movie.
Ironf> Am I the only one to notice the similarity between Vinny and John Waters?
BEMaven> yes, the type invokes the shrieking horror of Dick Van Dyke.
Ironf> Yes, I know him, I hand deliever his porno
Q> how money-conscious of her to make all her bras out of tinfoil
BEMaven> A fetching outfit? He's the dom and she's the sub?
GersonK> This moment brought to you by Booze. It makes the pain go away.
Bice> Suddenly it's Casablanca
Q> i want whatever instrument they use to make that woo-woooooooh noise
GersonK> Back before opec, oil was so cheap, people used it instead of cosmetics
Ironf> Vinny has the sauve turned up to 11
GersonK> "Experementing with wines" e.g. he drank himself stupid.
Bice> Oh yeah, we only get the acid changed every 3000 miles.
Djenk> Of course, its a special movie acid that produces no toxic fumes....
BEMaven> Frank Llodyd Wright put a vat of acid in every home he designed.
Bice> Say, I have a feeling it's dangerous upstairs. Why don't we stay down here and shag like minks?
GersonK> Closet. Vincent spends a lot of time there.
Q> gramma's moonwalking
Ironf> And Vinny breaks out into 'This is THRILLER, Thriller night'
GersonK> Remember how there were those "special kids" at school? that's the same kind of special they meant when they said special effects.
Q> sheesh, what's with the hand gestures, is she trying to signal air traffic control?
BEMaven> This time, lance bumps his head on her cleavage.
BEMaven> it floats on its own flatuence.
Ironf> Has anyone explained Baba Yaga's presence yet?
Q> with that candle flame and the reflection off her bra, i bet you could roast a few potatoes
GersonK> It's hard to be suave with a head bandage.
BEMaven> she's not going to get much of a tan with that aluminum lining on the inside of her robe.
Ironf> It's to help her shoplift BEMaven
Bice> The pilot episode of "The Addams Family" wasn't very good, was it?
GersonK> Aaah, Booze and guns. American ingenuity at its best.
EMERGO!
EMERGO!
Bice> Check her into Overactors Anonymous
GersonK> Guns don't bore audiences. Bad movies bore audiences.
Ironf> Shatner's toup!
Djenk> well, that killed a couple of minutes
Bice> I've seen this before. In the end it turns out the old bounty hunter was killing off all his younger competition...no, wait, that was Brisco County.
Ironf> No, it turns out it was a serial killer that came back to keep his body count rising to be the best serial killer ever, no wait that's The Frighteners
BEMaven> no, it turns out to be the retired judge who wants to punish the guilty. No, wait. That's Agatha Christie?
Ironf> She has a hell of a skyhook
Ironf> It's the shoes
BEMaven> theory: she set the noose and got a running start.
Bice> "What man hasn't wanted to kill his wife?" Well, me for one.
BEMaven> they saw too much. that explains the whining saw noise.
Ironf> She's watching you right now, isn't she Bice
Bice> Ironf - I can't talk now - the modem is bugged.
Ironf> The eagle flies at dawn then
Bice> It's always a nice day if it doesn't rain
* GersonK has wanted to kill Bice's wife.
GersonK> but then, I want to kill everybody
BEMaven> anyone notice that the interior wasn't designed by Frank Lloyd Wright?
GersonK> anyone notice that the screenplay was written in a lunchbreak.
Ironf> It was written down?
Bice> When a mysterious rope is wrapping itself around your ankles, it's always best to stand perfectly still.
BEMaven> William Castle wanted to slip in some bondage, but his wife came on the set.
BEMaven> Snackwell predicts it will end in the cellar with the child-proof acid.
Bice> Honeywell predicts Mr. Price in the corridor with the rope.
Ironf> Crackheads say it doesn't end
BEMaven> a living skeleton and a ventriloquist. what talent.
Djenk> Nes-tea plunge!
Ironf> Quite a little puppet show he has
Bice> That would have been more effective if he had looked at the camera
Ironf> and now back to the crypt keeper
Djenk> the "great" William Castle
Bice> By great, I'm assuming he means fat.
Bice> Well, it's bed time for bice. And I didn't learn a damn thing from that movie.
BEMaven> I didn't learn nuthin', neither. No commercials to edjucate me.
EMERGO!
EMERGO!
SMELL-O-RAMA
"If I was going to haunt anybody, this is the house I'd do it in."
"Do you remember the fun when you poison me."
"Don't let the ghosts and the ghouls disturb you darling"
"Lance is gone...and there's a ghost.'
"Nothing that money won't cure"
"You really believe in your pet ghosts, don't you."
"Would you all like to see one of those heads?"
"You're drunk!"
"You sot!"
"Where's what's her name?"
"What man hasn't wanted to kill his wife?"
Ironf has yet to collect his money for dying.
EMERGO!