x227 HERCULES vs. THE HYDRA
Plus more animated adventures of THE MIGHTY HERCULES
(3/27/99)

Written by Sandro Continenza (who also wrote "Sex Can Be Difficult") and Luciano Doria (who would never argue with Sandro)

MOVIE
Though his name doesn't appear in the credits for this festival of Italian beefcake, one can almost sense the influence of slaphappy mogul Dino De Laurentis at work. It's been said the role of Hercules was initially offered to blonde bombshell Jayne Mansfield by some co-producer who kept calling her "Johnny". Since the part called for animal cruelty, Jayne wisely passed it to her bodybuilder husband, Mickey Hargitay. With great courage, Hargitay assumed the mantle of mythology's oiliest hero, which demanded an incredibly short attention span, violent mood swings, a capacity for throwing set decorations, and a sexuality that spins as wildly as a weathercock in a Kansas Twister.

Vowing to avenge the most recent murder of his most recent wife, Hercules storms through the annual picnic of the Shriners of Arcadia. Because he forgot to bring jello salad as tribute, Herc must prove his worthiness to attend by tossing water balloons with the Shriner Queen (played by the forthcoming Jayne Mansield). He tosses fire axes by mistake... but his abysmal aim shields the Queen from harm. Hercules finally wins the favor of both her Majesty and her subjects by beating into pot roast the dreaded Elmerelsie, a mythical beast who is half-bull / half-cow. Herc postpones the inevitable liaison with her most Royal Rack in order to pursue Captain Extraneous, chief suspect in the murder of the Queen's designated fiancee. The chase ends in the Day Care Center Of Hades, where both hero and culprit are mangled in the gears of a giant, wind-up dragon. Herc survives... only to be bewitched by Gazongas, ruler of the Amazon Wood Nymphs, whose power over cellulite allows her to become a reasonable facsimile of the Shriner Queen. Lord Superfluous, the true villain of the story, takes this opportunity to whisk the real Queen off to the Laundromat of Hades. A chance encounter with the dreaded Cestus Sock Monkey (a mythical beast who is 50% cotton / 33% polyester) leaves the villain dead and the Queen defending her honor with a lint trap. Tragedy is averted by the sudden arrival of Hercules, who gropes the Monkey to death. While Herc contemplates settling down with the Queen, she begins picking out furniture for him to throw.

BOFF!
"I never see movies where the man's tits are bigger than the woman's."
--comment attributed to Groucho Marx

Balthayzr> Uh, Hercules loves the Hydra? This is a porn, isn't it?
Plumm> They couldn't even afford a new title card.
Balthayzr> Starring Sandrine!!!
Cthulhu> Sandrine.... a salt substitute.
Cthulhu> I think this one is before that summer of love when Newton became a stallion.
herberg> Gianni Salitari D.D.S.
Balthayzr> From his voice, I think Newton's a gelding.
Balthayzr> What would a Herc movie be without an opening attack by the Marvin the Martian crew?
Rolaid> Whoa, Herc got married?
Ironf> To a beard, Rol.
Cthulhu> Look at his hair... is he a hassidic greek?
Balthayzr> Herc's coming! Lock up your daughters!!
herberg> And your livestock ...
Cthulhu> Bell out of order... please knock.
BEMaven> only Herc could carry a half ton log so... gingerly.
Plumm> He coulda just walked around.
Balthayzr> We could throw the two guys wearing the kitchen drapes at him.
herberg> Okay -- why are her royal guard wearing french cut bikinis?
Plumm> This is that documentary about the gay origins of the Nazi party.
my-crow-soft> the trial of timithy ?
BEMaven> "your people need not be afraid of me."
Cthulhu> Timov, wan't she one of Londo's wives?
BEMaven> 'well, at least the top half of me.'
Balthayzr> You will face the trial of Timon and Pumba!
my-crow-soft> shot at location in palm springs, fl
my-crow-soft> those are some cannons.
Cthulhu> MY GOD!!!!
Plumm> this one's about to fall over.
Cthulhu> Chesty Love of the Ancient World.
BEMaven> what's with the totem? are they having a luauh?
my-crow-soft> man.... they must wait like 1000 pounds or something..
Plumm> no need to HG one-handed, mycrow.
Balthayzr> Vestal Virgins color coded for your convenience.
Rolaid> Crow, Herc doesn't swing that way.
Cthulhu> How can he possibly miss?
Ironf> Herc forgot to put in his contacts.
BEMaven> Herc: 'Relax. I saw this bit on Johnny Carson.'
herberg> And now ... I'll knock a cigarette out of her mouth.
Balthayzr> Herc's revenge has gotten kinda low-key in his old age. Gone from knocking over outhouses to recreating old rodeo acts.
BEMaven> why is that guy in the middle wearing a supporter on his head?
Balthayzr> I still don't understand how he got revenge by *missing*.
my-crow-soft> i missed something.
Rolaid> Crow, this movie is missing something.
Rolaid> WHOA!!
Rolaid> I officially vote this the BEST HERC MOVIE!!
Ironf> Now you know why they keep it chilly in movie studios.
BEMaven> does she always steal the shower curtain after bathing?
Balthayzr> "My name is Alaya" - "Of course you are."
my-crow-soft> is she like the hoegh of her time ?
Ironf> She is SO the hoegh of her time. Good call My-crow.
my-crow-soft> yeah... well i tend to spot hoeghs.
Plumm> So, she dies at the end of the movie in a gruesome chariot wreck.
my-crow-soft> whoa.. some riding there..
my-crow-soft> her boobs have the power to help innocentpeople.
BEMaven> so, Herc's mourning for Megara lasted all of what?... 20 minutes?
Balthayzr> No! All 5 of our cattle are stampeding!!
Cthulhu> Move 'em on, get `em up, Raw Herc!
Balthayzr> NO!!!! It's the Man-Eating Cow!!!
Cthulhu> Ferdinand! NO!!!!!
Rolaid> My God, Herc HAS been reduced to Rodeo stunts.
Ironf> Is he trying to get that steer to suck him off or something? Cause that doesn't look right.
Balthayzr> Yay!!!! Herc saved us from the evil Borden Cow!!!
herberg> Real cowboys could have done that in under 8 seconds.
Rolaid> Herc's a hero for killing a cow?
Balthayzr> Mansfield's togas supplied by the Hindenburg Zepplin Company.
Plumm> That was a coup getting mel brooks to dub that guy.
Balthayzr> I see the eunuchs are wearing their mourning panties.
Rolaid> And as a part of the Roman Burial, they put the dead guy on a catapult and launch him into the sea, only to plug up a whale's blowhole.
Plumm> Not a Black Mass, but a Pastel Mass.
Ironf> Don't these people know not to wear white after Labor Day?
my-crow-soft> they use their helmets to sweep up after all of this.
my-crow-soft> her hair is purple ?
Plumm> She swiped all of Vicki Lawrence's dye, I tell ya!
my-crow-soft> my breasts advise me to listen to you.
THX-1138> 'And we know him as a righteously fairy man.'
Balthayzr> 'I've shown nothing but friendship! Well, except for when I knocked down the gate and tossed axes at your queen.....'
Plumm> Feel a titty?
herberg> He said filititis ... Huh ... Huuhh... Huuhhh...
Plumm> Philitetes would be my guess.
Balthayzr> I didn't know Rome was located in a National Park.
Balthayzr> 'dammit, when is Hades gonna pave this road?'
Ironf> I bet he has to eat a lot of eggs for that yellow fog.
my-crow-soft> this is actually the condition of most arkansas roads.
herberg> 45 minutes in ... and not even a mention of the co-star, the Hydra.
Cthulhu> We have Hydra!
Ironf> The Giant Claw!
THX-1138> Call Godzilla!
my-crow-soft> ohh no ... he ran into one of the old disney rides.
Cthulhu> He being attacked by a Miniature Golf course.
Balthayzr> 'bad Hydra! Bad! No jumping on guests!!'
BEMaven> he's being terrorized by a Chinese parade!
Rolaid> So, 45 minutes into it, and we're already at the title fight?
Balthayzr> You think the Hydra would be more of a menace if it was mobile?
Ironf> well all I can say is thank goodness this Herc movie isn't goofy.
Balthayzr> It's a three-headed Luck Dragon!
Rolaid> I wonder when Herc will realize the Axe is useless against paper mache.
THX-1138> Nice for the Hydra to sit there while Herc chops its head off.
herberg> The other two heads don't even look put out.
THX-1138> The Hydra then.
BEMaven> you know, the cow put up a better fight.
Cthulhu> Mothra.... Mothra... Mothra....
Balthayzr> 'Dammit, Herc, you broke our Funhouse!!'
BEMaven> the land of Hanalee was in mourning today for Puff.
Plumm> Ancient Astronauts Amazon Corps.
Ironf> Layonya?
Balthayzr> Must be handy to have writing quills stuck in your helmets.
my-crow-soft> the trees from Jack Frost did a cameo in this.
THX-1138> The hell?
Balthayzr> The actual torture comes when Cerberus comes to piddle on him.
my-crow-soft> hmm, sex with the great amazon goddes has a price... you turn into a tree basically.
Plumm> Ed Grimley stars in . . . FROM HELL IT CAME!
herberg> Okay, now this is taking Arbor day just a little too far.
Balthayzr> 'Oh, I don't like becoming a tree, I must say.'
Plumm> 'Please don't put a spigot in me and drain my sap, Uncle Floyd!'
BEMaven> 'i have no doubt it's Hercules... only he would be dumb enough to attack a Macy's float.'
Balthayzr> Luckily for Herc, he was rescued by an intelligent herd of Secretary Birds.
Plumm> The secret occult roots of Amazon.com.
herberg> You may find you have a little balance problem after the transformation ...
Balthayzr> The leather suspenders are a nice touch.
my-crow-soft> well the title should read "Herc battling for boot, then a short interuption with a fight with a macy's float and then back to boot."
BEMaven> why does Herc need mud flaps on his shoulders?
THX-1138> Do the curtains match the carpet, Jayne?
my-crow-soft> this is what's going through herc's mind "duhh... boob... ahh boob....."
my-crow-soft> "words are giving me a heacache"?
BEMaven> apparently, the magic potion included a generous portion of silicon.
Balthayzr> Nice game of Ring Toss she's smuggling in her hair.
Ironf> ok. let me get this straight. Technically, Herc vs. the Hydra was over about 20 mins ago. Right?
Plumm> It's really called HERCULES IN LOVE.
THX-1138> The Hydra lost the fight because of Don King.
herberg> Is that Buddy Hackett with the whip?
Balthayzr> Speak, or we'll drop you into the dry ice!
Ironf> I will wear my melvin with pride.
BEMaven> so to be a member of royalty, you style your hair like curly fries?
Balthayzr> Mansfield. The model for all future WWF Boob Jobs.
Rolaid> Hey, I got distracted for a bit, what happened to Herc?
Balthayzr> He's getting Mansfielded.
Plumm> "If the Hip Hippos get here"?
Balthayzr> Hey, Herc! Can we have our dish towel back?
BEMaven> "she made you forget the woman you love." all she had to do was wait 20 minutes.
Balthayzr> See these trees? Some Kansas girl picked all the apples off them.
THX-1138> Break my twig and blood will flow.
herberg> Wow. There's got to be a better way to make that point than breaking fingers!
Balthayzr> And she goes after Herc with a giant DreamCatcher.
BEMaven> See Jayne run. Run Jayne Run.
THX-1138> The tree is groping her!
BEMaven> Jayne running top heavy was the stinger.
THX-1138> They want to save Boy George?
Balthayzr> "My lady, there is noise. Hercules may be coming!!"
Balthayzr> OOoOOOOoooOoOooOoOOoooo...
Ironf> Let my people go...watch another movie.
THX-1138> Why did the mob going after Frankenstein's monster join Herc?
Balthayzr> So they could use the carpooling lane, THX.
BEMaven> what? did they open the castle doors with a remote?
Balthayzr> I am completely suprised that Herc is gonna start tossing the sets at people.
herberg> Ah ... I see the plan now. By exerting himself and then walking around with his underarms raised ....
herberg> A yeti???
Plumm> Andre the Giant!
Rolaid> It's "Hercules vs. Bigfoot"!
THX-1138> Get your hands off me, you damn dirty ape!
Rolaid> So, the Bigfoot took care of Herc's work?
BEMaven> Monkeyboy is gonna be pissed when he realizes it's not Jayne Goodall.
Plumm> Eeegah?!
Ironf> whiff.
Ironf> monkey flip!
Balthayzr> Battle of the crotch shots!
THX-1138> Beastiality!
herberg> Oh now ... that's just disgusting...
BEMaven> is this one of the many loves of Hercules? i don't wanna know.
Ironf> Ax handle chop.
Ironf> And herc with the international object.
Balthayzr> And Moondog Spot goes down!!
THX-1138> I heard that outfit was made of yak hair.
Plumm> Movie, go away.

Time to separate the men from the boys with... THE MIGHTY HERCULES With the benefit of hindsight, it's clear now that a cartoon muscleman who clads his hairless legs in a fetching mini-skirt and strappy sandals would be a tough sell to young male viewers in the Sixties. Rumor has it that the chief animators of Hercules, the Danish twins Lars and Lex Hunkel, had evolved the appearance of the character through a combination of happenstance and necessity. More enamored of Norse legends than Greek mythology, the Hunkel Brothers wanted to produce a cartoon series based on Norn the Shorn, the infamous Viking cross-dresser. The imposing figure of Norn, who supposedly shaved his legs to cut down air friction in battle, inspired many bold tales about the sacking and pillaging of boudoirs throughout medieval Gaul. Unable to obtain grant money from the Norwegian government, the Hunkel Brothers were more than willing to accept an assignment from Trans-Lux Pictures to draw the Hercules adventures. As a simple matter of economy, they modified their previous model sheets for Norn, erasing the mink breastplate and the steel helmet with tassels on its horns. The resulting character might have eventually found a niche in syndication... but the market was glutted by Warner Brothers, who had just unleashed their Looney Tunes stable of animal transvestites on local tv.

Hercules Protects Helena And Newton When the animator carelessly forgets to draw in a plot device, Newton the Centaur and Helena the Permanent must fetch an old one from the Cave Of Forgotten Background Cels. The vile wizard Daedelus and his cat Dido try to waylay them, hoping to sell the plot device to the producers of 'Xena'. Fortunately, Hercules foils the wizard while working behind the scenes as a tall, lumpy script girl.

So you want to play ball, huh, Daedelus?"
-- Hercules

Plumm> and now, gay herc toons!
Ironf> WOoHOo!
Rolaid> NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
* Balthayzr changes topic to 'Hercules Toon-a-mania!!'
Balthayzr> "softness in his eyes....iron in his thighs...."
Rolaid> Wow, there's actually a woman in a Herc cartoon!
Ironf> ewwww, girls.
Rolaid> Look, it's Gargamel!
Balthayzr> She doesn't look like a blond Lois Lane at *all*.
herberg> 'You can ride me ... if you know what I mean...'
Ironf> "Hear that, Dildo"?
THX-1138> His eyes were moving like he was reading a cue card.
Plumm> Why did you fertilize the Great Gazoo with your horse sperm, Herc, my son?
herberg> 'In the secret compartment of my ring I fill... with an Underdog super energy pill.'
Ironf> Not vaginal at all.
THX-1138> It's more anal actually.
Ironf> 'I just shat myself, shat myself.'
THX-1138> 'You're on your own, on your own.'
Rolaid> It's the Lion from Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe!
THX-1138> You scared the homophobic lion!
Ironf> And now, Rolling Rock.
Rolaid> Okay, now the wizard's gone to Wile E. Coyote School of Villainy.
IronF> "So you wanna play balls Deadilus?"
Balthayzr> Deadalus gets his rocks off.
Plumm> These equine urethras . . . are clean clean clean clean clean!
Ironf> MORE! MORE!

Hercules, Newton, And The Evil Magician Still smarting from a boulder he caught with his batch, Daedelus steals a clamshell compact from Hercules' vanity table and uses the powder inside to become a Hercules doppelganger. The good Herc keeps the evil Herc occupied inside the Mystic Mountain of Lycra until Newton can set things right with a heaping gob of body paint. As a special treat, Newton gets his voice raised an octave at the very end.

Balthayzr> I'm still trying to figure out how destroying the sun makes Herc a Hero.
BEMaven> ~o/ fighting for the right...to keep his skirts real tight...~o/
THX-1138> An evil sphincter returns?
Rolaid> You just can't keep Gargamel dead.
herberg> Hey, didn't he take a rock up his backside in the last episode?
Balthayzr> The wizard's doing a bowl!!
BEMaven> uh, Daedulus...oysters are out of season.
Balthayzr> Bizarro Hercules!!
Rolaid> "Sufferin' Psyche"
Ironf> please don't zoom on his tail.
Balthayzr> Newton's got a new voice.
THX-1138> Did John Tesh do Herc's voice?
Rolaid> He could've just morphed into Herc the entire time he was in these cartoons?
Balthayzr> Good thing the Laws of Physics don't apply to Gods.
THX-1138> "This stuff is sticky, sticky."
herberg> Just let me wipe that mud off, Canteen Boy.
THX-1138> That's John Tesh, dammit!
Ironf> Shouldn't the bad herc have a goatee?
herberg> Is that the sound of the rocks or .....
Balthayzr> Why does the mountain make zipper sounds?
Rolaid> But shouldn't the mountain collapse without a base?
Ironf> He just did a self fellatio!
herberg> Of course ... you could just check and see who has the ring on.
THX-1138> That's not mud!
THX-1138> Money shot!
Rolaid> "Look, the mud I scrapped off your face."
BEMaven> you'll have to settle for being straight, Daedulus.
Ironf> Now go wipe your hand, Herc.
Rolaid> "I'd go celebate, Newton, either that, or find that Bigfoot again."
Balthayzr> Character Design - George C. Peed.
Plumm> It's Max Weinberg Herc!
BEMaven> BTW, no Hercules movies in April.
Rolaid> What???
BEMaven> next week...'I Was A Teenage Frankenstein'
Ironf> Followed by Gay Frankenstein cartoons.
BEMaven> yes, 'Milton the Monster'....how did you know?

BEMaven> "her husband...who became the stupidity of Manhood"?
Ironf> and now, some amature porn.
BEMaven> is that Carl Reiner conducting the interview?
Ironf> I hear Carl liked to make home porn movies.
THX-1138> Wow! 2 pound weights!
Balthayzr> Yes, with Phil Silvers behind the camera.
Plumm> He and Rob Lowe at the DNC.
THX-1138> "Our audience would like to see some ways you stay in shape."
BEMaven> 'yah...we do sit-ups together.'
THX-1138> "Me on the bottom..."
Plumm> first, clear your sinuses with a couple lines of coke...
THX-1138> "I'm a ready to fly!"
Balthayzr> Prancing's an exersize?
Ironf> "Why is it most people don't put out..?"
herberg> Because they are all a bunch of flabby girly-men.
Ironf> I hollowed these out and now I can store whiskey in one and coke in the other.
Rolaid> The interviewer is more interested in the guy than Jayne!
Plumm> Jayne is wacked out.
Ironf> Brrrppp.
THX-1138> "It's not hard either."
Balthayzr> "It's good for man and men and womans...."
Ironf> I call this the rump shaker.
Rolaid> Schwing!
Rolaid> Now the interviewer wants to see the guy swing his hips?
Balthayzr> I'm so glad we decided to make a short out of this guy's batch.
Ironf> Should she have a white area? I think there's ointment for that.
herberg> How long where they married, anyway?
Ironf> 4 mins.
Rolaid> Pink weights for the girls?
Balthayzr> 'They weight 5 pounds a piece. Toss in the weight of the dumbells, and Jayne's getting a real workout.'

STUFF OF LEGENDS