THE ACCUSED Balthayzr> After losing his residuals, Thing is forced to make crappy movies until the Yellow Pages commercials kick in........
dungarees> This is looking suspiciously like the charming Catskills Inn
featured in Dirty DancingServoT> No wonder it's in crappy hand writing, they didn't want anyone recognizing their names
nicklby> hey ... where's the forest? I cant see it through all those damn trees
THX-1138> I preferred the sequel, The Finger much better.
Balthayzr> Cool World II: The Gathering.
Q> it's always cute to see a horror movie that has the sheer guts to use the "three men and a little lady" font
mgrasso> michael caine, secret member of the illuminati
dungarees> Does he have antlers?!?
mgrasso> he's got antlers!
dungarees> Oliver STone? you have tricked me into this, fiends...
nicklby> If he kisses Chris Reeve in this one, I'm leaving
cthulhu> How are the Kama Sutra classes coming dear?
dungarees> He looks strikingly like Willy Wonka in this.
nicklby> is Mike the kid on the Dutch Boy paint cans?
cthulhu> No, he's the Quaker Oat Quaker.
BryanL> This is the Merchant Ivory horror flick, ain't it.
Ironf> she wants to be a Scientologist.
KevinL> Practicing for the Lumberjack Games.
cthulhu> Then Jean Luc Picard come to see him.
Balthayzr> Just then, Shatner rides up and offers to help.
dungarees> Freddy Krueger, the Waltons Mountain years
BillBear> Salem, no!
ServoT> Since when do cats chow on lizards
Balthayzr> Obviously not a cat owner. Cats eat everything.
Balthayzr> Should a man ask "how small?"
mgrasso> ring of regeneration +5, apparently
dungarees> So I wonder if Michael Caine makes everything he bakes satistying and delicious
BryanL> This is some serious Manos-style driving, here.
Merlynn> I think Mike lost more than the hand.
BillBear> Please keep your arma and legs inside the vehicle at all times.
Ironf> that's gonna leave a mark.
nicklby> quick, get the Bactine!
KevinL> Get him some Nova-Caine.
andre> Ah, frolicking in the grass covered in blood.
THX-1138> Now he has to get a cow puppet to draw his cartoons for him.
BryanL> Nothing ruins a Sunday Drive more than packing things in ice in the hopes of reattaching them.
cthulhu> And on the door handle was THE STUMP!* BryanL wonders if they hired a stunt stump for this movie.
BillBear> You know, god forbid I ever lose a hand, but if I do, have no doubt I'll be having a hook attached.
Balthayzr> Oh, and your severed limb will try to kill you. This is normal.
Balthayzr> Wave bye bye, daddy! Oh, I'm sorry!
KevinL> He lost his hand, but his forearm grew 6 inches to compensate.
BillBear> Remember how I was going to leave you? Now that you're disabled I love you again.
BryanL> Speaking of phantom feelings, let's make love, honey.
ServoT> I like this better than your other stump
cthulhu> Hot Stump love!
BillBear> I guess "Hand Jive" *isn't* there song anymore.
BryanL> Because her kiss, her kiss, is on, his wrist...
Q> what a performance, folks! let's give him a - uh, never mind
BryanL> Man, that's not a real stump. That's just a salami painted pink.
andre> Man, unmowed grass makes for gripping cinema.
dungarees> If you sever it, it will come
ServoT> ...I should attach a robotic Punch and Judy to this stump...
THX-1138> And it slaps him on the ass
BryanL> He's doing one-handed pushups, like Jack Palance.
dungarees> So does she have her head attached by a collar...is this like a missing appendage support group?
* Q removes lady's choker scarf and watches her head plop onto the table
BillBear> I think he should paint something festive on his stump, like a happy face or a barber pole or something.
THX-1138> If only he could find that hand...then he could take that
detaching thumb joke to a whole new level.Q> uh oh - thing's got the dt's again - "get these spiders off me, man!!!"
nicklby> From the people who brought you Fame ... it's Obscurity!
Q> that beetle wants to hold his haaaaaand
cthulhu> Is the bug supposed to be the hand's side-kick?
Ironf> It has been scientifically proven that you lose most of your body heat from your stump.
Balthayzr> No, yer penis has a complex cuz you lost yer hand.
ServoT> why is his wrist perfectly round anyway? mine's oval
THX-1138> A hand crawls around and Ed Wood is there
Q> ah yes, young oliver delights us with a scintillating "memory" montage
KevinL> He should just scatter pieces of paper that say "Go Away!" in Braille around his bed at night.
cthulhu> Is it my imagination, or does the hand have seperation anxiety?
andre> Quality prosthetic limbs... in about an hour.
cthulhu> ...And on the stump was THE HOOK!!!
nicklby> with this hand ... I can strike fear into the cowardly and superstitious. I shall become ... The Hand!
KevinL> Well, at least, during the winter, he'll have a use for all his odd socks.
cthulhu> Mandro The Hand of Fate.
Balthayzr> To live like the Man-dro! To be like the Man-dro!
mgrasso> michael caine is... "zestfully DEAD"
dungarees> But Ironhead! What's with this thingy?
BryanL> Wow. The hand became a knob. What a metaphor.
* Balthayzr angrily tosses combs at Michael!
dungarees> Michael has been replaced by a new and more powerful fro
Balthayzr> The Alpha hair quickly looses to his younger rival.
Q> oliver stone IS torgo IN the ortega story
Balthayzr> The MasTer lIkeS PeOplE To GivE Me ThuNderBirD!
KevinL> Back and to the left, damn you!
andre> man, the world really needs more wafer-thin femmes in tight new age aerobics outfits.
Balthayzr> He's got a Luke Skywalker hand, and she has Leia hair. This is getting just a *little* odd.
cthulhu> The Incrediable Journey: Thing's Story.
BryanL> Hi, I'm Janie, and I've got both hands.
nicklby> I'm Billy and I like to draw hooters
Ironf> My nam is Alucard un i lik comcs.
BillBear> You can't have enough sepia in a house's color scheme.
ServoT> no wife and no hand, sex is gone from his life
BryanL> It was a dark and stormy night. Suddenly, a hand rang out!
BillBear> A mint! The hand is a very nice housekeeper.
BryanL> So, the hand not only moves around on its own, but is smart
enough to leave foreboding symbols on pillows?Balthayzr> He should set out some Chinese Finger Traps.
KevinL> Someone left the hand out in the rain.
Balthayzr> Hey! I left a hand and didn't get a quarter!
BillBear> Mandro looks kinda like Keith Partridge.
dungarees> Mandrow IS Tom Cruise in Legend
nicklby> It's Jack Skellington, the Pumpkin King
andre> and Caine makes time with the students.... POOM!
Balthayzr> Why are the pages all sticky?
Balthayzr> Wanna see my cover of Crack Whore Magazine?
BryanL> Beer, sex, beer. What a night.
nicklby> dear Penthouse, I'm a one-handed cartoonist ...
Q> did the double bass upstairs just fart?
Q> now the beer farted. what the hell??
KevinL> You know, his left hand doesn't know what his right hand is doing right now.
dungarees> I think the hand wants a manicure maybe? What's it's motivation here?
cthulhu> I keep wonder what thought-provoking, left-wing statement Oliver is making in this film?
* Q did not know that bodily appendages are colorblind; prepares to call discovery channel
dungarees> Ah, so the hand can only see in zaprudervision
KevinL> Michael Caine and Meg Ryan in When A Hand Loves A Woman.
BryanL> That hand keeps putting people into Vaseline Intensive Care.
THX-1138> Talk to the hand girlfriend!
dungarees> What's the hands deal with her? Can't he just ask nicely for some sugar of his own?
andre> did the door fart?
nicklby> what is it with that farting noise?
Q> oh, i get it - oliver stone's wild palms was a sequel to this! it all makes sense now!
Ironf> I left my hand in SAAAN FRAAANNNCISCO!
andre> Big Stupid suddenly develops common sense.BillBear> "honey, remember that thing we talked about trying with your stump..."
KevinL> You know, if Michael Caine struck a truce with the killer hand, they could come up with some bitchin' guitar chords.
BillBear> Operator! My dad just killed my mom. Yes, I'll hold.
Balthayzr> "If your mom was killed by a crawling foot, press one. If it was a crawling arm, press two. If....."
BryanL> You know, try all you might to inject deeper meaning into it, but when all is said and done, if youi make a disembodied hand movie, you're gonna end up with a guy and a chunk of rubber flailing around and looking stupid.
BillBear> They must be in California. The punishment for multiple murders is being sent to a swedish psychologist.
Balthayzr> So, what did we learn?
cthulhu> I learned that you should just keep your hands to yourself.
nicklby> I learned that Oliver Stone productions always get out of hand
Q> i learned disembodied appendages can, at will, defy the laws of both gravity and physics
andre> I learned that Frank Miller breathed new life into the Mandro franchise with his many graphic novels.
KevinL> I learned that Manos, The Hand of Fate isn't the only sucky hand movie.
dungarees> I learned that Michael Caine was born to hand jive
cthulhu> I learned that TNT will even censor out flat-chested girls.
nicklby> I learned not to sleep with 21-year-old interns ... whoops, wrong lesson
andre> I learned that it's ok for Michael Caine to say "fuck" on TNT as long as his accent is really thick.
Ironf> I learned that Michael Caine's hair is actually scarier than his disembodied hand.
ServoT> I learned that friz and fingers don't miz
BryanL> I learned too late that hand is a feeling creature.
ServoT> I vote for forehead
"Never looks at my ass..."